Im Going Nuts With This Nc Thing

[Tony_TJ_MX]

Ok I'm new here, but I've been reading for like 3 weeks now. My ex broke up with me on my bday, well, we were more like friends with benefits because she had broken up with me in april, and the last breakup happened in agust.

 

She just got weird over time, ever since the beggining of the year, we were together for 1.5 years. We had so many great times, but these happened when she couldn't travel. She's very wealthy, doesnt go to school and does not have a career or anything but she is an incredible person, and I know she has many deffects and my relationship had many flaws, but I just can't let go, she lit up my life, she's the only woman that has made me think of marriage and children. I may confuse you so try to follow up please ...

 

We live in Mexico so you know how things are here, insecurity is everywhere, and some time after she started to act weird she told me that really close family of her's had gotten kidnapped and killed, so that's why I never let go, I was always there for her. Well, she moved to another state, kinda far from where I live but she told me that we could work this out, there are planes and buses and cars and many things right ? well, on my bday she was extremely late and I kinda got desperate because I planned to spend the evening with her but she arrived like 6 hours late. I called a lot during this waiting period and all she could tell me was "i'll call you" ... when I got to see her she was mad, then she told me that another family member had been kidnapped and i told her "why didn't you tell me that something was wrong? I would have postponed everything, no details just tell me something's wrong" ... Anyways, she went from "i dont want to do anything anymore" to "let's break it off right now, there's no point in going further". Ahh, but she then told me, "I didnt want this for us, I wanted to take the next step with you, to get back together for good".

 

Well, all dignity and pride set appart as always, I started to chat with her on the messenger, and she was as usual with me, like nothing had happened, I tried to be cold but couldn't and she told me to be the same as always so I did that. I sent her an email about getting back together, no matter the odds and she said "ok, let's see what happens, just dont pressure me." After a week of chatting she told me that she was coming to my city for something and I told her if we could see each other to which she said yes. As the day got closer I asked her again and she said "I dont think this is good for us right now, I dont know what you may want to try?" I felt like I had been a pervert before or something, I was always a complete gentleman to this lady, so I snapped. I told her that I was getting tired of her games and she told me to stop playing then, and that was the last time I talked to her on the messenger, about august 28 or so. I called her about 3 days after that and she answered all mad and told me "be quick please" so I just hanged up. So that was my last phone call. She called my mother so she could see her and pay some money she owes me but hasnt called after that and that was about a month ago.

 

I know things are really messed up, I know that, but how do I just let go of this woman, she got used to me contacting her, we had many bad fights before and breakups but I always called back and got together again, but not this time, I've managed to not do it by going to the gym and hanging out with friends and playing videogames with my brother She has a pride as big as Earth and will not contact me no matter what, I learned this through 2 years of relationship between friendship and being a couple.

 

The thing here is, do I call her ? I really need to know how she's doing, or maybe to get some closure, I asked many times if she didn't love me, or if there was someone else, or anything, and the answer was always negative, she did love me and there was nobody else, just her problems. I want to be there for this girl, I know she's going through some rough times, do I break my NC and give in to my heart's desire ? I also know she's the type that goes out of communication with everything when she's depressed, and that's what i've noticed here, no changes to her myspace, no signing up on the messenger. I'm crazy about this girl, she's everything I've ever wanted from a woman, she made me touch the sky and now I've been falling down ever since and I dont know when I'll hit the ground. I've cried like a baby for weeks, if not for my beautiful family and friends I dont know what would have happened.

 

Do I try to get my closure by calling her ? or texting her? anything ? Ahh love, so beautiful yet so painful, I saw myself growing old with this girl, I want either to keep my hopes alive or give up.

 

Thanks to this forum I've managed to survive day by day.

 

Tony

[dreamguy]

Alright mate... I'm not sure I follow here. You are saying she broke up with you twice in a row ? I'm sure you know this is not possible. The real break up was in April but you were in denial (the first stage people go through after a break up) and you thought you guys were still together.

 

Personally, and as much as I'd like to believe her, I doubt family members were kidnapped. I mean once is probable but twice ? Are they being kidnapped for a ransom since she belongs to a rich family ?

 

Look at it this way: When someone loves you and they are in trouble they usually don't shut you out of their life like she did.

I hope I'm wrong but I believe those were all fake reasons she used to distance herself from you.

 

Then she said she didn't want this for you guys... she wanted to take the next step with you, to get back together for good

Give me a break ! If she wanted to take the next step she would have done it ! Actions speak louder than words. Period.

 

And she told you to be the same as always ? How is that mate ? Just like you described it: All dignity and pride set aside ?

Of course she wanted you to act as you usually do... constantly being there for her no matter what she does/says. But what you fail to see is that by doing that you were encouraging her to treat you bad.

 

Basically she was pushing you away and giving you vague answers and you were being there for her more and more. Never encourage another person's wrong behavior. When they treat you wrong let them know calmly but firmly and stand your ground.

 

You said something that caught my attention as I was the EXACT SAME guy you are today and it NEVER works. If, by any chance, it works once or twice it's usually because the ex pities you and feels sorry for you. Do you want to be with someone who feels this way about you ?

 

You said: "she got used to me contacting her, we had many bad fights before and breakups but I always called back and got together again".

 

I'm going to be brutally honest with you mate... she is treating you like a doormat and she has lost ALL respect for you. If you cannot respect yourself enough to stay away when she has wronged you then how do you expect her to respect you... let alone love you ?

 

but not this time, I've managed to not do it by going to the gym and hanging out with friends and playing videogames with my brother

Good for you ! You should have done this a long time ago but it's never too late to regain your pride and sense of self-worth !

 

The thing here is, do I call her ? I really need to know how she's doing, or maybe to get some closure

No you don't call her. You have called her every single time in the past. Did it yield the desired results ?

 

I asked many times if she didn't love me, or if there was someone else, or anything, and the answer was always negative, she did love me and there was nobody else, just her problems.

We all have personal problems and yet they don't make us break up with the person we love. If she did love you like she says then she would be with you today. Sorry to be blunt again !

 

I'm crazy about this girl, she's everything I've ever wanted from a woman

Are you sure about that ? I think you deserve an honest and mature woman. Don't you think you are feeling this way because you cannot have her and you want what you cannot have ?

 

I've cried like a baby for weeks

That's ok ! Crying is not a shameful act. Just don't do it in front of her. If you must cry then do it when you are alone and let it all out.

 

Do I try to get my closure by calling her ? or texting her? anything ? Ahh love, so beautiful yet so painful, I saw myself growing old with this girl, I want either to keep my hopes alive or give up.

You can give yourself the closure you need. Tell yourself that there's nothing you can do for the time being. You tried and every time you contacted her after a break up the relationship failed again.

Ask yourself why it did ? Work on the things you can fix about YOURSELF to become a better person whether she comes back one day or you meet someone else.

 

That's the only way you will ever be in a successful relationship; by being a strong willed, indepedent man who knows he doesn't need anyone else to be happy.

[Wandering_Sword]

I say give her a call if you don't have any preconceived ideas of what the outcome may be. Do not approach this as a way to get back in her good graces as it will only lead you dashed hopes and dreams. But if you know that talking to her while trying to maintain composure is going to be difficult, don't call. Best to go NC for a little bit to gather yourself and if you truly think that you can handle it better, then by all means try communicating with her.

[TijuanaJones]

Hi there Tony! First of all, I live in TJ as well...

 

Your story is quite similar to mine in many aspects. You were with a very stubborn girl, which apparently didn't like to speak her mind about the relationship and discuss the details of it.

 

I really don't think that you should contact her anymore, but at the same time I can relate to your need to get closure. I did it in a number of ways. Once I forced a conversation and asked her point blank if she wanted to try again or be friends. She said "friends" of course, so right then I knew all hope was lost, so I went into NC.

 

My ex was everything I thought I wanted in a girl, but the truth was that I was letting my heart see her in a way which she really wasn't. I put her in a pedestal and I fabricated a fairy tale around her, so it became very hard for me to distinguish reality from fiction. The truth was also that I was settling for less than I deserved. This girl was the best one YET, but not nearly enough of what I need and want.

 

We looove drama, (too many soap-operas are to blame, I think haha) so we may even feel that we are love martyrs, and that enduring all the pain and suffering will ultimately pay-off, but in reality we miss the point of seeing that our exes CHOSE not to be with us, for their own reasons, which are perfectly valid, tough maybe not logic to them or us.

 

I think you have done everything that could be done: You stated your desire to be with her and help her thru her rough times, and expressed your loyalty and willingness to adapt. Well, maybe there is just one thing left for you to do: Let time do it's job and let her reflect on all that has happened and come to you on her own terms.

 

Whenever she comes back to you, DON'T push the subject of getting back together, let her bring it up. Trust me on this, I blew my chance of getting back together with my ex by pressuring her...

 

Anyway, I hope this helps. Feel free to PM me.

 

Saludos!

[Tony_TJ_MX]

Yes, I think I'll keep on going with the NC, it's the best thing to do, and yes, I had her on a pedestal but thinking about it, and even though it hurts, she's not what I need right now, she's just too difficult to handle, everything's a mistery. Who knows what'll happen in the future but for now I'm gonna focus on myself and nothing else, easier said than done because she had my total attention, my world turned around her but life goes on and not having her in any way drives me crazy sometimes, but she chose this, so ... I'll respect that.

 

Thanks for your comments, I really appreciate them, they made my decision much easier and I now see the facts behind the NC.

 

Tony

[dreamguy]

Tony, you seem like a wise person. If your strong will matches your wisdom then I think you will be fine. You truly deserve someone who knows what they want.

[flying]

I am so sorry to hear your story and its not hard to understand to pain your going through. Hopefully this doesnt sound to hard, bur I honestly think that your ex has treated you quite badly. Maybe the answer to that is in the fact that she doesnt work or study- no one is demanding any thing of her, no responsibilities in her life. Any way, by saying things to you like I am breaking up with you, but I wanted to go back, is a way of trying to give you the guilt. Shes not only leaving you, she also wants you to see that it is your fault andf what you have lost. Breaking up with you on your birthday is so cruel.

I trully think that if you want to maintain a relationship with a person who shows that kind of inmaturity, you need to be very sure about where your limits are ans show them to her. Never letting her getting to far, to step on you, manipulate you, et cetera. But if you are like most of us, a loving and nice person, you dont want to engage in that, having to do that.

I would suggest you try andnot keep conatct with her, and go on with your life. Having said that I know its hard...

[Tony_TJ_MX]

I find that it's just hurting really bad when I stop and think about it, I miss her a lot, everything about her, It was 18 months of knowing her and talking to her either by phone, messenger or text msgs, but in retrospective, as a friend told me once, I was extremely happy for a week and then a crying mess for 2 weeks because she was on a trip or something. That's the way she is, and I knew it from the beggining, but at first she put on the effort, not like i would have wanted but she tried. She had a surgery about 6 months into our relationship and I can say that that was our moment, she couldn't travel for 6 months and that's when we got together so nice, I saw her at least 3 times a week, she was always available for me, but as soon as she could travel she was gone, no more time for me, she changed so much, like if something turned off the switch, I asked many times about the change, and I got no reply, ever. I could say more about the many changes but i'll keep that to myself, but I can say that I had to stop thinking in myself, I was in the relationship just thinking in her, at least I learned that, to not be selfish. Anyways, it's like I had a crash course in relationships with this lady. She will always have a special place in my heart, she was my first true love and my first real relationship, only God knows what happened to her, but I have to move on right ? time does not wait for anybody.

 

Thanks for all your support, some words hurt but deep down I knew this, I just wanted to read it from someone who doesn't know me, an objective opinion, not from someone who knows her and me, that may have biased opinions. Once, a friend in common told me "we women are weird, but she's something else, more than that". So true.

 

Thanks a million, this has opened up my eyes, it's tearing my heart appart but I have a big heart I've been told, so it's going to heal and be ready to love again.

 

Keep the words coming, you are my rescuers when I try to send her a message, I just come here and read your words and I get my strength back.

 

Greetings from Tijuana

[dreamguy]

I assume you are mostly referring to me when you say some words really hurt. Of course you know I am not being rude but sometimes one has to be blunt when they give you the truth.

 

That said, I know you cannot stop loving her as the heart doesn't have an on/off switch that you can instantly flip but the pain will lessen with time. No matter what you are feeling right now things will get better.

 

You know, my story is similar to yours in the sense that when my ex was here, in the same country, she was all over me and even when we had fights I was always able to make amends.

It all changed, she changed, when she got a job offer abroad and she traveled. Suddenly, her newfound financial and social independence made her reconsider everything and gave her the ego boost she needed to break free.

 

Your ex might have had time to think about the relationship when she was away knowing she already had some doubts. Distance then contributed in transforming those doubts into fear. Fear from the unknown, a future with you, commitment... so many things.

 

You are smart because you have drawn a lesson from your misfortune/break up. Some people wallow in misery all their lives and are doomed to repeat the same mistakes the next time someone worth keeping comes along.

Be proud and do not worry about the future for no matter what happens you will ultimately come out as the winner if you keep up this attitude.

[Tony_TJ_MX]

I think im gonna end up crazy, I just get a sudden rush of emotions when the night falls, I miss her, I want to know how she's doing, beg her to come back, but what for ? I'll just keep playing xbox i guess, but this is by far the worst thing that's ever happened to me, and I realize how lucky I am in some way, to have this as my worst pain. Time is my friend now, it's just that it goes so slowly and the healing is taking too long because I see no improvement.

 

Now that i got that out of my chest I can go now. By the way, I wrote her a big email, I just didn't send it, I have it there just in case of I dont know what.

 

Good nite

[dreamguy]

One of the characteristics of NC is that it ALWAYS gets worse, much worse, before it gets better. This is usually the period where dumpees break NC.

They simply feel worse than before instigating NC and so they think things will keep going downhill and the hurting will keep increasing. They give up and they contact the dumper only to find more frustration and rejection in most cases.

 

However, any person who has been there will undoubtedly tell you that the sun does shine again.

No matter what you are feeling now, no matter how hopeless, how painful, how lonely, how pessimistic... you will smile again one day soon, sooner than expected, when you look back at all this and all you will have are memories devoid of any excruciating feelings.

 

You have the answer. Why would you beg her to come back ? Do you think if you do that and she accepts then the relationship will be any better ? Do you think she will treat you with the respect you deserve ?

 

Keep posting here mate. We are here for you. We have all felt the unbearable pain. It does go away.

[Tony_TJ_MX]

Ah same time as yesterday, and the memories kick in and I want to pick up the phone and call her or send her a message or email, anything ... it helps that my little brother has the day off tomorrow so he's here playing and I'm not left all alone, that really sucks right now. I'm in day ... 40 something of NC, I dont know how I've done this, how I've let go what I consider could have been the love of my life, who knows what lies ahead but for now it's all looking and feeling bad. It's like my hopes and dreams where taken from me, but the crying has stopped for the most part, only when I need to release my anger and emotions I cry. How can she be like that ? how is it that someone changes so much, to not even care about you anymore, when at one point you are in all their plans and dreams and the next day you're out?

 

I feel like writing all this to her, I never got to tell her many things, but I see no point in doing that, maybe I'll have to get my closure by myself.

 

This sucks, life sucks, I hope the light shines in my life soon because it sure is dark right now ...

 

Tony

[dreamguy]

How can someone change so much you ask ?

1) If they never loved you in an authentic way to begin with.

2) If they are the type of person who easily loses track of what they want.

3) If they still love you but are capable of hiding their true emotions because they believe the relationship can never work out.

4) If they take you for granted because you keep showing them what they mean to you even when they treat you shabbily.

 

And the list goes on...

 

If you feel like writing to her to give yourself closure and say what you never got the chance to say but you wouldn't be affected even if she doesn't reply or if she gives you a rude reply then I see no harm in doing it.

After all, I wrote a letter to my ex and I wasn't even expecting her to reply. She texted me 1 week later saying she wasn't ignoring my email and she had just seen it. She will think about everything and write back.

 

If, on the other hand, you want to write to her in the hope that she will reconsider then do NOT write because you might not get the answer you are seeking.

[Tony_TJ_MX]

Honestly, I dont know what I want, my thoughts vary by the minute, one minute I'm sad then I'm happy, I start to write her something but then I change my mind. It's all very weird, before this, I knew what I wanted in life, then she came and I had more strength to keep doing what I was doing, but now that she's gone I find myself lost, not knowing which direction to take.

 

But I had to experience this I guess, to really test myself and know how much pain I can endure, because I think that previous to this I had not suffer enough.

 

So I'm not mad or anything, I'm sure everything happens for a reason, but it sure is giving me my dose of sleepless nights, endless tears and heartache, a lot of that.

 

Thanks for the words.

 

Tony

[TijuanaJones]

Honestly, I dont know what I want, my thoughts vary by the minute, one minute I'm sad then I'm happy, I start to write her something but then I change my mind. It's all very weird, before this, I knew what I wanted in life, then she came and I had more strength to keep doing what I was doing, but now that she's gone I find myself lost, not knowing which direction to take.

 

I can totally relate... Our mind sometimes works against us when we are feeling down... At my lowest point after my breakup, I was willing to change my goals in life to accommodate her... That's nuts! I was willing to relinquish my dreams! Not anymore, not for anyone.

 

Someone who truly loves you will accept you as you are, respect you, and tolerate the differences between you, not force you into becoming her pet.

 

Write down your mission in life and don't you change it for anyone.

[Tony_TJ_MX]

I know that now, I will never let anyone interfere with my goals and plans, ever. I should have known earlier but love made me blind and kind of dumb, but there's nothing I can do now but move forward. I dont know why I keep feeling this urge to call her, it's not getting any easier, I'll keep busy I guess ...

[Tony_TJ_MX]

So... I received some big news today, something I had been after for quite some time, while I was with my ex. So, I dont know why I decided to text her the good news, yes, that was stupid, but since she was always so supportive I thought even though we're not together anymore she would be interested to know ... but nope, no congratulations or anything like it.

 

Yep, that was a dumb move ... and I deserve anything you have to say.

 

Tony

[TijuanaJones]

Don't be so hard on yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. It's ok to falter sometimes... It's a long and hard process, but it will ultimately make you stronger.

 

Keep it up! And congrats on the good news

[dreamguy]

Don't worry, everybody on this forum has done things like that (and much worse too) so it's ok.

Try your best not to repeat it anymore. Learn and move on.

 

Expect to become weaker at times as it all comes in waves. One time you're at the top then the next you're at the bottom but, as time passes, you'll find yourself at the top more and more until you no longer feel the urge to share anything with her or get in touch with her.

 

The key is perseverance. Stick to what you are doing and I garantuee you will get where you want to go.

Don't focus on the mistakes you make along the way, it's bound to happen as you are human. Instead, always keep your focus on the ultimate destination you want to reach: Achieving happiness with or without her.

[Tony_TJ_MX]

Damn, she signed in to her msn messenger, she had not done that in months, why do I still have her in my list ? I dont know, I thought I erased her but ... I didnt. She sent me an instant message congratulating me, and telling me that she wanted to talk but at a later time, when both of us are healed, or at least better. Now my question is ... what did I do that damaged her ? she sure is weird, and complicated, and kinda' crazy i guess. Anyways, I erased her. I dont know if this happens a lot but when I saw her online it was like my vision went blurry, and my heart skipped beats or something, it was like it wanted to get out of my chest. I guess I'm still very attached to this woman, give it time Tony ...

 

Thanks dreamguy and TijuanaJones for keeping track of my "evolution", although it seems like I've been going in reverse for the last couple of days.

 

Tony

[dreamguy]

Like I said... sometimes you are going to feel down and extremely sad as if she just broke up with you 10 minutes ago. It's absolutely normal !

 

When you feel like this NEVER act on your thoughts and/or desires to contact her because you will regret it later on when you are on top of things again. Always give yourself at least 1 day to regain control of your thoughts.

 

My ex used to do the same thing. I used to text her and she wouldn't reply then she would sign in to MSN. She couldn't message me because she would normally be blocked and thus unable to see me.

 

At least she congratulated you. I bet she is still attached to you too, just not in the way/intensity you would like her to feel.

 

NC is the way to go. If she wants to talk to you at a later time (as she said she would) then she knows how/where to find you.

[Tony_TJ_MX]

Wow, I didn't feel sad at all today, and weekends are specially tough on me since that's when I usually went out with my ex. I'm feeling calm, relaxed, I'm thinking about her, but not I'm not sad, it just felt good to know about her yesterday. Anyways, I better get some sleep because tomorrow I need to wake up early.

 

Have a great sunday.

 

Tony

[TijuanaJones]

I'm glad you blocked and deleted her from your msn. I rarely sign in anymore. I haven't used myspace for months...

 

It's hard to keep a strong will, but not impossible. Keeping yourself busy is the key to get stronger. Whenever you feel the urge to break NC, just get away from your PC, cell phone, etc. and talk to a friend. It helps to vent...

[Tony_TJ_MX]

Oh shoot, suddenly I miss her a lot but I wont do a thing, but I sure miss her, even though I remember all the bad things and everything, I sincerely love that woman, but there's nothing I can do so that's that.

 

Have a great day.

 

Tony

[dreamguy]

Hey Tony,

 

These times where you will miss her like hell will keep haunting you for a while. Don't expect them to just go away as if you had never met her.

 

I'm going through a very difficult period myself after having sent an email to my ex and having received a reply from her stating that she sees us as friends... as two souls helping each other right now.

 

Sometimes I feel I'll be ok without her then, all of a sudden, I feel I miss her more than anything in the world as images of moments we had together during those 3 years start popping in my mind out of nowhere.

 

If you are interested then you are welcome to take a look: