its starts at nothing

[billa1962]

I grew up rural VA, broke the country mold and moved to Atlanta GA, then decided I liked summer so I got a job in Grand Cayman and lived in the beautiful Caribbean. I was walking down the road one night with a girl i knew, she put a pipe to my mouth, i thought it was weed, it was crack. My life spiriled out of control. I'm a fujative from Cayman, I snuck on a drug charge and I tried to make a new start in Sarasoata Fl. Didnt take long for me to find crack got fired from jobs decided to go back to Atlanta where again quickly found crack. I;ve had 5 hospitlizations for suicidal ideation and or attempts. I was diagnosed major depressive disorder. I could beat the crack and did 4 months in rehab to turn around and use. Long story short, I'm 7 months sober in Colorado therapist sees me once a week and lota of group. In the pat I was always treated for substance abuse and it didn't work because substance abuse was a side effect of what was really wrong. The crack ruined me but before that alcohol, weed snoerting coke, I self medicated all the time, cross addicted. No I'm clean the now say I'm Bi-Polar1 and Borderline Personality Disorder and Anxiety to to PTSD (Another story) My point is I've been through * * * * seen street life, had guns pointed at my head and didn't care, found dead bodies and heard people getting killed. Death is not pretty and if nothing else you wanna go natural so you can look pretty. Not a day goes by I don't think about slitting my throat slashing my wrist, and fight the temptation of stepping in front of the truck. Every F***ing day. I take my meds and I do what I'm told. I can't work because I screwed my mind up so much and my illlnesses were all aggrevated by the subtance abuse as well. I used to make $100.000.00 a year i have nothing, blame it all illness blame it on drugs but no matter what I try to blame my destitution on it all comes back to me making bad choices. My Bi-polar didn't make smoke or crack, thats was my decission. So now I got nothing, but you know what nothing is a place to start. Start making good decission, stay in those groups, talk to someone, get help with decissions it starts there, but you got to do it take that step. I relapased 4 times, but I don't call it that, I wasn't ready to really give up so I call it taking a break ad getting back to it. My addiction will follow me always, but with therapy, my mental health willl improve with help and family I can rebuild and learn to make those descissions that will help me get past the nothing I have then you get past what you got, tiny steps baby steps but it gets there. You know, everyone is a little messed up, its called unique by some, I say the world is nuts but either way we have common goals we can achieve

 

Sorry for the long winded story, just hope someone gets some good out of it, I know, you know we knowi we struggle we help each other.

[Anotherday]

Just to put a different spin on things Billa, Bipolarity is a huge issue and has greatly screwed up my life. The incidence of substance abuse is at least 60% with bipolarity. The rule rather than exception. I started abusing substances at 13, but my first clinical depression was at 9. Diagnosed at 22 with cylcothymia (mild bipolar) followed by years of drinking. Now I struggle with Bipolar 1 depression, addictions, OCD (least of my worries) and agoraphobia (to an extent). I'm 48, MBA, haven't worked to speak of in 4 years. Nothing to show for anything except my goal of a house paid for so I have a roof over my head. Was my main goal in life. Achieved it, but life means nothing really.

 

With help, we can push ourselves to improve. It'll take working meanial jobs to establish some good references, addressing addictions however we can, taking the meds as prescribed, a good shrink, talk therapist, support group and hopefully some trustworthy friends. It may take years. It requires commitment and never giving up. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about, but others who read this may not. God bless.

[billa1962]

thanks you are so right and some can be manged with meds but for me borderline Personality Disorders gets in my way by nature chaotic relationships, even with therapist and not many meds to help so its a re learning process as you know I'm 44 right there with it never too late I hate to see people give up and I see it everyday and I want to shake and say it could be worse, and take to the depths of Atlanta streets but people don't react to that so I try to show them and also I'm not ashamed to show when its hard, when hurts and when I do wonder and then I wonder if I'll be manic tomorow as you know but I chase those suicidal ideations away the best I can We all need help regardless of what I call the "Whatever Disoreders" because lables just make you feel worse so it then becomes "whatever I gotta do" corny I know it works for me and always always helps to hear from others were all sick in different ways but non is worse than the other. A rant I feel hypomania setting in, not suprising I was pretty deep in blues to all a good night morning or afternoon.