Random tips for shy people

[No Spaces Rob]

Hello, I have come a long way since I joined eNotAlone, in lots of respects. The most important being that I respect myself a lot more, but I'll get to that later.

 

- I had my first proper relationship

- I started a new job and have made a bunch of new friends

 

I am not brilliant, but I used to feel very depressed about my situation at 25/26 years old and thinking I was abnormal when it came to interacting with people (especially girls). I thought I would be alone forever and that I was creepy. Now I don't feel that anymore. That's more important than losing your virginity, having a girlfriend, going out and meeting new people. What I am talking about is just realising you do deserve to be loved, and feeling that people will continue to like you, even love you.

 

Tips:

 

--- Don't try to be someone you're not. If you are not the type of person that is comfortable going to nightclubs, don't worry about it. Too many people think that that is how everyone else meets new friends and meets members of the opposite sex. The reason you might think it is that these types of people are the more outgoing, extroverted people and thereforeeee they may have had more influence on you. But are you really that sort of person? What about those who meet people doing other activities. You might not hear about it because they're not as vocal. There are lots of other ways to meet new people and that might involve playing chess, playing poker, playing some other sport, bushwalking, art, music and more. They are just as valid as going to nightclubs.

 

Don't go to the beach to approach sexy women/men if you're shy. Think about it. They're complete strangers. They're hot, and they are in swimwear. Very intimidating. Similar thing with nightclubs. They are looking their sexiest and they're complete strangers, in an environment in which you're not comfortable to begin with. Instead, go to dinner or drinks with people you know, or join clubs if you don't know friends like that. If you're geeky, get used to it. Join a science fiction club or something. Clubs are better than meeting complete strangers and if you're an introvert, they probably match your interests better.

 

--- You can get too focused on scoring a date (or sex) with the opposite sex. If you've never had a meaningful relationship before, you're getting older, and you're kind of desperate, I don't expect you to believe this one. But at least hear me out. You should be focused on meeting lots more new people not JUST on getting dates. One sin is to see every attractive girl/guy as someone you probably should be chatting up, and then you'll probably hate yourself for not chatting up every attractive person you see, because you've somehow convinced yourself that you're a failure for not being able to talk to yet another attractive person. That's useless - you need to start talking to, interacting with people, without being focused on getting a date all the time or beating yourself up because something was just a brief interaction without asking for a date.

 

--- Be proud of your introversion. Don't try to be an extrovert if you're not, it's impossible. Know that lots of people fall in love with introverts.

 

--- Don't worry about the past. If you've never had sex, it so ceases to matter once you're in your first proper relationship. If you had a lonely childhood or early adulthood, it so ceases to matter when you start meeting new friends.

 

Even if you slightly older like in your 30s or 40s, don't feel as if it's too late. You still have interests and you can still go out and find people who share those interests. Once you do, will you really care about what life was like before? There's no way to go back to it.

 

--- Lots of other people have problems than you might not realise. Seemingly outgoing people may have issues with intimacy that makes relationships hard and breaks people up causing great pain. If you get hurt or rejected by a future relationship, it's not necessarily your own fault. That person may have issues of their own to sort out.

 

--- If some girl/guy really likes you, you'll definitely know it. If they seem hesitant about being with you, then they may not be interested, they may hate themselves, they may be upset about a past relationship, they may have eaten a bad curry which has caused an embarrassing problem, or anything else. You may never know the reason. Move on. You can't fix their problem for them. Blaming yourself is idiotic too.

 

--- Sometimes people just need to be alone. Recognise that in yourself and when you feel it, do something alone you're comfortable with like go to the movies, go shopping, go for a walk in the park or on the beach or something else. Spending time alone is good for you.

 

--- At some stage in your life you'll probably feel as if you should avoid people because you would only be a burden to them, or somehow interrupting their lives, if you talked to them. Realise that you need to fix this thinking. People who are confident that others like them know that everyone is just a person, like everyone else. Nobody is a burden on others just by talking to them. Rely on your friends for support, don't avoid them in fear that you're interrupting their ordinary lives.

 

-- Make small talk with people of all ages, even old people. Do it in natural settings like if you are buying a train ticket or choosing something in a shop. Realise that some conversations end quickly and some people may just not be in the mood for talking (maybe they had a fight with their girlfriend, they have sick family members, etc). The shortest conversation is a smile that's returned. If someone returns your smile, then an interaction just happened. Feel good about that.

 

--- Getting your heart broken often happens, and it often makes you sad or depressed for many months. But it'll improve your social skills because it helps you better understand how people feel about each other, and you'll feel more 'normal' because you'll have been through what most other people go through.

 

--- Forums like these help occasionally, but (sorry guys) you shouldn't really rely on forums like these to make you feel better about yourself. It's a community of people with problems just like yours, which can get really depressing and it can give people a false sense of the magnitude of the problem. It seems as if most people here are a lost cause, right? Remember that for everyone on these forums that complains about their problems (and I don't mean to trivialise anyone's problems), there are more who got over their problems and no longer have a need for these forums. People are driven to hang out here when they need support, but when they make new friends or get into a relationship and they're happy, they don't need to post here so they just don't. Just remember those people exist.

 

--- Stop giving yourself false rules. I saw one person here ask if 15 minutes of talking to a woman was enough time before asking for her phone number or on a date. That's ridiculous. You can do it within the first 5 seconds and you may even have a better chance of success, who knows. Don't follow rules as if they will help you. You'll only get frustrated because you'll blame any problems you're having on yourself, because you were following the right rules and yet it still went wrong. Sometimes a person just has distractions in their life or issues that need sorting and thereforeeee they don't have time for you.

 

Other false rules include kissing after seeing them a certain number of times, phoning them a certain number of days after getting their number, and more. Sure these rules can be helpful once you understand them, but if you do the wrong thing and you realise why it was wrong you'll get a better understanding of what the problem is. In my opinion.

 

--- Take care of your personal hygiene, but don't go overboard on your appearance.

 

--- A smile is the secret to attracting any stranger. If someone is too hot/sexy to talk to, just smile and if they smile back, you'll feel good. It should happen from time to time too.

 

--- If you have family around such as a mum, dad or sibling, then try and remain good friends with them if possible. Talking about issues with someone as close as a family member can be helpful, and their advice, whether good or not, will be heartfelt. That matters.

 

--- Some aspects of socialising are like a game, so they may seem unnecessary, but play along anyway. For instance, introducing yourself, handshakes, hellos and goodbyes, small talk, putting on a brave face etc may seem fake to you, but they help strengthen friendships when you don't know someone new. You can still share your deep, emotional self with your close friends though. Similarly, try to at least pay some attention to your presentation - ie your clothes and hair.

 

--- Meeting someone online is not the same as meeting someone in person. I guess I can't talk since I have never used online dating; I saw it as an oxymoron. Dating in my mind should be done in person. My views are shared by a a lot of people, so if you don't agree you may want to keep in mind that a lot of people think that a relationship online is a 'fake' relationship somehow. I don't think it's fake at all, but I want to point out that it is different.

 

--- Some people will interpret your shyness as rudeness. Don't beat yourself up over it. It's an easy fix. Even if you can't carry on a conversation you can still introduce yourself, or if you already know them just say "hi" and then their name. Maybe comment on the weather or something that's there, and then say "see you later" when you leave them. Make your you look right in their eye and smile. There. Now nobody will think your shyness is rudeness anymore. Don't worry if you spend the entire rest of the time being silent and not knowing what to say. As long as you observed basic requirements like a friendly "hi" and a smile when you first saw them that day you won't be thought of too rude or snobbish to talk to them.

 

-- A friend of mine told me this one: The act of exercising, particularly jogging, makes you feel better about yourself if you do it enough. When your heart beats fast and you sweat, your body releases hormones which improve your mood and sense of well-being. I must admit I don't go to the gym or do heaps of exercise so I and being hypocritical here.

 

--- Getting over shyness is not about growing social skills. You already have them. It's about killing of your negative feelings about yourself and realising you are an interesting and worthwhile person and you deserve people's respect, friendship and love. In other words, it's about respecting yourself.

 

--- Changing isn't easy and you will have setbacks, maybe over the next few years. Changing will never happen unless you make it happen. Reading these forums isn't changing, though it may give you ideas. Just get out and change what you do.

[shy2cool]

Very good and inspiring post there mate.

[Timebandit]

Fantastic list!

 

I would like to add one rule, though:

 

Learn to forgive yourself again and again

 

(OK - I took the rule from Sheldon B. Kopps "If you meet Buddha on the road, kill him")

[SheepLy]

man, awesome list it hit on the majority of problems i am dealing with, and what a great way to start the day by reading these =)

[ninnin]

damn good list man!

[scotty77]

A lot of good points listed but it is possible to become more extroverted and talkative,if you really want it bad enough.I will never be the type who can meet anybody at a bar/nightclub but have come a long way in every other setting.

[No Spaces Rob]

I'm willing to guess that virtually all people in this forum would like to be more outgoing than they currently are. However most are likely to be introverts. So you can certainly become more outgoing and improve your situation but in my opinion you shouldn't look at the people who thrive in environments like clubs and bars and put yourself down because you're not one of them. Aiming to be like someone else can be causing some of your problems, because they're probably just a different type of person to you.

[Tealc]

One sin is to see every attractive girl/guy as someone you probably should be chatting up, and then you'll probably hate yourself for not chatting up every attractive person you see, because you've somehow convinced yourself that you're a failure for not being able to talk to yet another attractive person.

 

OMG yes! Thank you. Never seen that mentioned before.

 

--- At some stage in your life you'll probably feel as if you should avoid people because you would only be a burden to them, or somehow interrupting their lives, if you talked to them.

 

Amen. Seldom seen that one.

 

--- Getting over shyness is not about growing social skills. You already have them.

 

Now that's just not true. Some of us are shy because we really have been deprived. Even those who have been out of the house have not necessarily developed the skills.

 

Not long ago, I didn't even realize that when someone asks you a question about yourself, the easiest way to follow up is to ask them the same. That sounds like an abysmal lack of social skills to me.

[dan39]

Yes I agree with Teal'c.. if you don't have social skills you simply don't have them and learning them helps

[John14087]

yeah just don't try this guy's tips in california! I mean I've tried this and guess what none of it works!!! as i have said before YOU MUST HAVE SOME SORT OF UNDERLYING PHYSICAL ATTRACTiON FOR THIS TO WORK, you cant be some sort of joe blow and expect results, You do that and you set yourself for disappointment and failure!

[No Spaces Rob]

Hi John, I think that you think negatively about yourself and that it's more than just a hold-up, it's actually the root of your problem because your negative attitude to yourself is quite apparent.

 

The purpose of my tips wasn't to give you a list of things to do in order to solve all of your problems. In fact, I made it quite clear that if you are expecting all your problems to be solved simply by reading these forums then you'll just make yourself feel worse. I also wrote that changing yourself isn't going to happen quickly or easily, and you will continue to have setbacks, maybe even for a long time into the future.

 

If you think that your situation is somehow different to everyone else's because you live in california then you're kidding yourself. If you think that your situation is different to everyone elses because you are not physically attractive then you're downright lying to yourself (first, there's nothing wrong with the way you look and second, whether you have the balls to talk to someone has nothing to do with physical attraction and everything to do with your confidence). If you are disappointed in what I wrote because you believed it should have magically solved all your problems then you're just shifting blame away from yourself, and that's the sort of spiraling attitude that's causing problems. What I wrote is just a rambling list of my tips for shy people, but you treated it like it's a set of commandments and you want your money back. You also referred to me as 'this guy' and put me down in front of everyone reading the thread, which I didn't really like.

 

If there is any way in which your situation is different to everyone else's, it's that you are giving up and blaming it on something that someone wrong online. Take some responsibility for the way your own life turns out. Start accepting yourself for where you are at right now and being happy with that, and aim to improve yourself. Stop thinking of yourself as a 'joe blow' who won't even try to meet people because you 'set yourself for disappointment and failure'. Assuming nobody will ever like you is your problem, not theirs. Thinking that you are ugly is your problem, not anyone else's. I thought I was failing because I was ugly for years until I realised that I'm not ugly, that was all in my head. And you're certainly not ugly.

 

I used to make excuses of the same sort as yours until I realised they were excuses and it was all about the way I saw myself. I was giving off the vibe of a guy who didn't really like himself and blamed everything else for it, like my looks, my upbringing, my intelligence, various 'conditions' etc but that was all garbage. And I was coming to forums similar to this one because it made me feel good seeking approval from other people who all thought they had the same social disease. I am me, I am a person that deserves respect and love and attention just like anyone else. There's nothing fundamentally wrong with me, it has all just been link removed.

[John14087]

Hey listen in no way shape or form did i intentionally mean to offend, believe me when i say that was certainly not my aim to do so! It's just that you don't know the kind of people i do. And believe me when i say I try. I try to initiate conversations with women but the same GD RESULT HAPPENS EVERY FREAKING TIME! I mean i only have so much room for rejection, you know what I'm saying? And it's not all "negative self-talk" either! Also, I didn't consider your list to be a magical cure to be my problems, I do not consider this site to be the solution to my problems either! I come to this website because it helps me realize I'm not the only guy with these problems. Please keep that in mind!

[Timebandit]

I try to initiate conversations with women but the same GD RESULT HAPPENS EVERY FREAKING TIME! I mean i only have so much room for rejection, you know what I'm saying? And it's not all "negative self-talk" either! Also, I didn't consider your list to be a magical cure to be my problems

 

No, a list is not a magical cure to any problem. Overcoming shyness is hard work. That being said (having overcome social phobia myself), I can only say that the list is very very good.

 

Trying to talk to girls is great practice, but establishing contact requires confidence and being able to put your social skills to use. Shy people often come accross as stiff and boring, which makes it hard to make get close connections. So your focus should be on decreasing your shyness, rather than having success with girls. Establishing closer contact with other people (such as girls) will be the result of being less shy.

 

You need to put your focus back on yourself, rather than on other people.

[2shyshy]

this is an awesome list, thanks for sharing this. it's really inspiring to see people who have been in your place show you that it's possible to feel better about yourself, and give constructive ways to do that. thanks!