He has an addiction

[bakerrac]

Alright, bear with me because this is long, but important. I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years now. When we first started seeing each other it was very casual and I never expected to fall in love with him, but about 5 months in, I did.

 

The main problem is that he's a stoner. He was a stoner when I met him and he is still a stoner. And by "stoner" I mean he smokes several times a day. He pretty much smokes before he does anything (school, housework, movies, cooking, work, etc.). He's a "functioning" stoner, if you will. It is a lifestyle that I DO NOT approve of-- I never have. I knew he was a stoner when we met, but I didn't know I would end up feeling like I might spend the rest of my life with him. His smoking habit has always bothered me, but I used to just try to push it aside. But it has really been getting to me lately. I'm concerned for his health. His lips are always chapped and they are sort of discolored, he coughs, he says he throat is all messed up and marijuana can have like 400 chemicals in it! I am also worried for our relationship because there is no way I could ever marry a stoner. I don't approve, first of all, it smells, he doesn't talk to me as much or listen to me when he's high, he becomes kind of selfish, his breath is awful, and I could go on and on. I keep hoping he will grow out of it, but I've come to realize that it is an addiction.

 

Don't get me wrong, he is still a good guy even when he's high, but he is SO much better when he is sober. When he is sober, I feel like I could marry him; when he is high, my heart gets confused. I guess what I'm asking for is some advice on how to get him to STOP smoking. I need him to stop for many reason, but also so that I can figure out if this is the relationship I've been waiting my whole life for. Granted, we are still young (I'm 21, he's 24) and marriage is a ways off, but I'm exhausted from hoping he'll show up sober and then getting depressed and moody when he shows up high. I just need to be able to figure things out

 

I sort of feel like I can't ask him to stop smoking because he was a stoner when I met him and I knew that. Kind of like I have no right because I knew what I was getting involved with. I am also afraid that he will choose weed over me. I know that if that is the case, then obviously he is not worth my time, but it is scary to think my asking him to quit could end our relationship. I don't think it would, but there is a little part of me that thinks it could. I would not ask him to stop "cold turkey" because I am not sure he would be able to, and I am ok with limited social smoking...while still in college. Also, his two roommates are stoners just like him, if not worse, so how can he just stop if he is around it ALL the time at home?

 

Anyway, how should I deal with this situation? This problem is eating away at me and really hurting our relationship, which used to be amazing. I am not sure how to approach him; how to HELP him. What do you think?

 

Thanks for your time and help.

[bakerrac]

I should probably ad that he seems to smoke partly as an escape or a way to cope with things such as stress. He was also in a terrible accident a little over two years ago that almost killed him. He turned to smoking to cope with the emotional and physical pain from that

[nuttybuddy]

maybe u need to have a talk with him to see if he sees any future with you at all. does he also have a dream about marrying u someday?

 

if he's serious about u, i think he will listen and want to go to drug rehab.

[annie24]

i have been in your shoes, and my friend just broke up with her boyfriend over the same issue. it is one thing to smoke once in a while, like at at party or after a really long day at work, but i think it's a sign of a very serious problem if he is ALWAYS high. it sounds like he is self-medicating, and he has a problem. he needs to get to therapy to have a safer way to let out his emotions and he is likely addicted also.

 

there is really nothing you can do. he has to let go himself and want to change. I think you walking away from him might help though. if he starts losing the good things out of his life, it might wake him up. I wish I could give you a magic button to make it better, but it doesn't exist. my friend tried to save the relationship also for 2 years, she just finally gave up. she met a new guy recently, and he is great, and not a stoner. looks like she'll be alright.