Trust

[onewithbooks]

Its been a long time since I have needed to post about a "problem" on here and it almost feels strange to do it again. Here is my question: When you have had some bad relationships and you feel like you have lost the ability to trust anyone, how did you get it back?

 

I am at that point now. Its been a long time since I have been out of a relationship, but I am terrified to get back into one. When I think I might be ok with it, the whole trust issue rears its head.

 

Its not that I particulary need a relationship, I dont. I have a full and busy life, that I am quite happy with. I dont really need the drama of a relationship. I have had the opportunity, but I turned it down, the spark wasnt there, and we were in totally different places in our lives.

 

I want to wait, and have the next person I am with to feel really right, but by the same token I am terrifed because of all the trust factors.

 

Any thoughts or opinions?

[DN]

You proceed with cautious optimism.

 

That is to say that you don't fully trust someone to begin with. No one should really until you get to know them. But you don't distrust them either. You give them the benefit of the doubt, assume their good intentions but be prepared to be disappointed in the early stages..

[onewithbooks]

I know but its is that reaching out part, the vulnerable part, that just makes me want to back off.

 

In a way I am kind of worried if I dont natually work this out, that it will only hinder me from finding someone wonderful. I mean who wants to date someone who even though they can love you, they have a hard time knowing that you will be there when the stuff hits the fan?

[DN]

All relationships carry risk - it's just the way it is.

 

So does the rest of life.

 

So you have to leave your house in the morning and go about your day trusting that you won't get run over by a bus, swindled out of your money, bombed by a terrorist or cheated on by a loved one. And taking reasonable care that those things don't happen.

 

Even being a hermit has a downside.

[onewithbooks]

 

Even being a hermit has a downside.

 

Lol, true enough. I done know, I just cant even fathom it. Right now it feels so far beyond my realm. Its nice to be able to come on here and say that. I say it to people in my daily life, and they say, but you are so nice, and you are open to people, how can you not trust?

 

I always respond that being nice to others and sharing a bit or two of my life (i.e. I love handbags in green) doesnt mean that I trust other people. I remember in school (middle school) that we did this exercise where you have to fall back and someone would catch you. I could never do it. I always had to walk away. These people that were supposed to catch me were kids I grew up with and knew all of my life, but it didnt matter.

 

Maybe its time to make that appt with a therapist, lol.

[KG]

OWB,

Baby steps! A little today, a little tomorrow...

BELIEVE you can trust, and you will...your defense mechanisms are working OK, you won't let someone hurt you again...that's great.

Now trust those same mechanisms to get you throught the trust thing, and let your heart guide you through the like/love part.

You're probably weary of relationships...that's OK, but you have to let some trust in, or ?

Baby steps, little at a time, you'll be OK!

KG

[beeter64]

I'm in the same boat your are. Fiance cheated on me with his married co worker, she divorced and now they are living together not far from me. Trusting is a huge issue for me now and I wasn't that trusting before this happened. Makes me wonder if I'll ever be able to let someone in again. I guess if you want to find love again their is going to be some element of risk. I will say that it's not easy that's for sure. Every time I meet a new guy I wonder if he will be something else I need to survive. Depressing isn't it?