why do i always start the conversation?

[GuyNamedBob]

hey all,

 

what i mean is...when i speak to girls on IM why do i always start the convo?

i know it probably has something to do with the guy being in control (although i don't know that really matters for IM) but i would prefer it for someone to say hi to me first.

 

there is one girl that i am really close to. but only when we first met did she ever txt me first, now she practically never does. do you think that if i wasn't to go on MSN as much that she would want to speak to me more? if not what do you think would? and as we speak a lot, sometimes it can be really slow (as if we speak too often). i end up thinking that there is not much point talking at all, and i would rather wait until we can speak properly.

 

thanks

[Mavh25]

I don't IM people first because I like to think they want to speak to me. So I leave it to them. But my train of thought is, If they don't IM me they don't want to speak to me. So I let them do it first, that way I know I'm not bugging them, and that they actually want to speak to me.

 

Just an example of a possibility for you.

[leo_s84]

I don't IM people first because I like to think they want to speak to me. So I leave it to them. But my train of thought is, If they don't IM me they don't want to speak to me. So I let them do it first, that way I know I'm not bugging them, and that they actually want to speak to me.

 

Just an example of a possibility for you.

 

So basically what you're saying is that if they don't IM you they don't want to speak to you, so you always wait for people to IM you first.

 

If everyone thought like you then no one would ever speak on IM don't you think

[Lana0120]

I have a semi-rule... I will usually IM someone if they are online before me as I figure they may not know I'm on, but if someone comes online after me, I figure they will see their buddy list and see I am on so wait for them. If people are pretty good about initiating I sometimes do that more, but I would never get in a position where I did ALL of the initiating. You need to let people miss you a little...

[Altruist]

I have an IM rule: if I IM someone five times consecutively without them returning the favour then I stop IMing them. They would have given me the message that they don't want to be bugged IMO. It's the same rule that I use for phone calls/sms unless the person is a very close friend.

[Lana0120]

I have an IM rule: if I IM someone five times consecutively without them returning the favour then I stop IMing them. They would have given me the message that they don't want to be bugged IMO. It's the same rule that I use for phone calls/sms unless the person is a very close friend.

 

Good rule. I think the general message is that if someone NEVER initiates contact with you then they don't want to talk to you. Either that, or they have just taken it for granted that you will always make the effort.

[Mavh25]

Nar.. obviously there are times I'll IM first if I want to talk, I'm not that stubborn! but I always feel bad if I do, and worry

 

So I don't really LIKE to. But I dooo sometimes.

[Lana0120]

Well, initiate sometimes Grr! Think of all those poor unloved people who think that you don't care and that they are hassling you by IMing you! It works both ways.

[Mavh25]

Yeah thats true, they maybe thinking the same as me!

 

Awww you made me feel bad now lol

[Altruist]

Well, initiate sometimes Grr! Think of all those poor unloved people who think that you don't care and that they are hassling you by IMing you! It works both ways.

 

I guess it does sometimes. There are times that I see one of my contacts online for hours and none of us takes the initiative to IM but then when I do IM we then talk for a long time.

[Lana0120]

Yeah thats true, they maybe thinking the same as me!

 

Awww you made me feel bad now lol

 

 

LOL! Just mix it up a little, make the effort with them occasionally... you have nothing to worry about if they're ones who IM you regularly anyway, but they'll feel flattered and relieved that you've bothered to IM them! I know this from experience, as I used to initiate IMs a lot and it's a bad feeling when you feel like no one is interested in you enough to IM you! Fortunately I don't talk to many people on IMs and have other things to keep me occupied like enotalone so I don't worry about it so much.

[Mavh25]

But but but but... Ok Lana. I like your posts so I'll obey yoooou! hehe =)

 

Anyway, OP. Maybe they're jsut stubborn heads like me =P

[GuyNamedBob]

thanks for all your replies

[Altruist]

Just out of interest, how is it for you in real life. Do people usually start talking to you or do they ignore you until you start a conversation with them?

[mademoiselle]

hey all,

 

do you think that if i wasn't to go on MSN as much that she would want to speak to me more? if not what do you think would? and as we speak a lot, sometimes it can be really slow (as if we speak too often). i end up thinking that there is not much point talking at all, and i would rather wait until we can speak properly.

 

thanks

 

Is she usually responsive when you do start conversation? I mean, if you guys already speak a lot why would you want her to speak to you more? For me, starting conversation a lot with a good friend doesn't bother me if they're responsive enough. I just figure that its become my role to start the conversation.

[GuyNamedBob]

Altruist: its a bit of both really, sometimes i start talking to people first and other times they will approach me. just depends on what they're doing and what im doing.

 

mademoiselle: we do speak a lot, but some times it just feels as if she isn't in the mood to talk, and i think it would have been easier if I didnt start the convo and she did, that way i would know that she is in a talkative mood. (thats the reason for this thread) as it isnt often that she will start the convo. im not talking about the times when we do speak a lot, its the times when we dont, and she is more than just a good friend btw. also, yes she is responsive when i start the conversation.

[mademoiselle]

Hey Bob,

 

I think she might just be taking you for granted. How much are you on msn? Having said that, if she's not in the mood to talk, then there's not much you can do about it. Also, by "more than just a good friend", do you mean girlfriend/close friend/girl you're crushing on? Because that could change suggestions for making her start the conversation. Generall though, that if you wanted her to start more of the conversations, just stop starting them wtih her. If she wants to talk, she'll start them.

 

Let me know how it goes.

[desert_rose26]

I don't IM people first because I like to think they want to speak to me. So I leave it to them. But my train of thought is, If they don't IM me they don't want to speak to me. So I let them do it first, that way I know I'm not bugging them, and that they actually want to speak to me.

 

Just an example of a possibility for you.

 

So since you don't message people first, you're saying you don't actually want to talk to anyone unless they message you? That's very self centered in my opinion and I have a few people like that on my list. Everytime we've chatted on IM, it's been ME initiating it. So I figured that's I've done enough and never message them again.

 

The kind of people that are ..I will only respond if you talk to me are annoying in my opinion.

 

Don't think I'm targeting you about this, just general people who are this way.

[mademoiselle]

So since you don't message people first, you're saying you don't actually want to talk to anyone unless they message you? That's very self centered in my opinion and I have a few people like that on my list. Everytime we've chatted on IM, it's been ME initiating it. So I figured that's I've done enough and never message them again.

 

The kind of people that are ..I will only respond if you talk to me are annoying in my opinion.

 

Don't think I'm targeting you about this, just general people who are this way.

 

If they are usually responsive when you do start conversation, are you still less inclined to start the next conversation? Because there are some people with whom i'm the one who always initiates the contact, but it doesn't bother me because I figure that that's just how they are. It's not because they don't like me, its just because they're not the type to start conversation with people anyway. I can understand how its annoying if they're not responsive though.

[GuyNamedBob]

Also, by "more than just a good friend", do you mean girlfriend/close friend/girl you're crushing on? Because that could change suggestions for making her start the conversation.

Let me know how it goes.

 

we would be bf and gf but we live too far away and i have said that i dont want to be in a long distance relationship (as everyone knows they never work out, majority of the time that is) she fully understood me and agreed.

although a while ago she finished her relationship with her bf, so that we could go out (by the way, i didn't ask her to, it was her own decision), and i was prepared to do so, but i backed off for the same reason why i never wanted to go out in the first place. she has a few bf's since.

 

so to answer you i would say we would be going out (as she has hinted that she wants to many times), but the distance is stopping us.

i would have asked her out as i didn't want her to 'turn away from me', but now she never says 'wish we could go out' etc...you know what i mean (maybe because i have told her about everything i just mentioned. hmmm obvious...i know)

 

ps: it would be nice for her to say that she wants to go out with me, as it would be great if we could, but if i keep rejecting her she may loose all interest. (maybe this is why she isn't so responsive with texts and msn as she was? :S).

 

thanks

[mademoiselle]

Yeah it probably is. You can't expect her to wait around if you're not willing to commit (albeit for very valid reasons). Lol I think that you've answered your own question though - and maybe you should tell her what's on your mind, and either be prepared to commit or understand that you can't keep holding on to her if you're not going to go out with her.

 

Good luck.

[GuyNamedBob]

hey mademoiselle,

 

i have told her plenty of times that i the only i reason i wont go out with her is because of the distance.

do you mean tell her how i feel that we don't talk as often?

(if so)...well i tried and she was immature and not willing to give me a straight answer.

i really like this girl and i would rather not let her go. but if it comes to that i suppose i'll have to live with and anyway being that immature about the whole thing, really put me off her, even though we liked each other for years

thanks mademoiselle

[mademoiselle]

I think you should tell her that although you're not together, you still want to be friends - and that includes talking on the phone, msn etc. Having said that, are you sure that talking to her at the moment is the best thing for you? Because you're going to have to be mentally prepared if she starts going out with another guy. Maybe you should give yourself some space from her to try to get over her. Then you can start talking again. Then again, I don't know the intricacies or your relationship so you do what you feel is best. Take that last bit of advice with a large pinch of salt.

[GuyNamedBob]

she has had at least 3 boyfriends that i can think of since i knew how she felt, and it doesn't bother me at all. as i don't ever see or speak to them.

i will consider all of the advice. I think she already knows that i just want to be friends. but when we discuss meeting she always seems to want more?! although i do too, i still know that by doing so i would probably lead her on and give her false hope.