the disappearing man

[Realitybites]

Three months into our relationship and i felt forced to break up with him. Here's the reason.

We practically spent everyday together, hardly every fought, we've had a couple of arguments but they worked out fine because we avoided the blaming game, we acted like adults, we smiled a lot at eachother, we touched often, there was warmth, sex was wonderful, etc. In short, I didn't see it coming!

It all started a couple of weeks ago, when I seem to have brought up a subject that seems to have scared him. I had a few drinks and since I was having dizzy spells a few days earlier and I knew he was worried I might be pregnant, I decided to tell him where I stand on the subject (the-i-am-35-and-yes-it's-an-issue-but-would-never-consider-having-a-baby-right-now-thing). I thought I was being frank and adult about it (despite the drinks...). And yet, the next day, i apologized for having brought up such a touchy subject (dating only for 3 months), and he specifically said it was really ok, it was actually kind of nice, said he. I believed him.

Unfortunately, he pulled back two days later in a very unexpected, abrupt manner. He's always been the one to be in touch with me. Suddenly he stopped completely, and by freak accident we walked into eachother on the road (he lives closeby) as I was calling his mobile phone. I saw him not answering. He said he couldn't comfront things right now. I told him it felt bad. He said nothing so I walked on. Silence for two days. Then I heard i might be laid off at work and kindly asked him to be with me for a while, that i needed him. He came over and he was nice. I cried and he apologized etc. Then in the moring i asked him if he'd like a few days to "think" he said yes. Is a week enough? Yes, he says. Fine, i thought. At least I know.

I worked really hard not to freak. Yes, I know I offered the week and told him it would be ok. But I just couldn't. Being left wondering like this is probably my weakest spot (have a traumatic memory of an ex-husband who totally disappeared after the divorce refusing to see me or talk to me at all). I felt punished. At the bottom of this is also the fact that he is deathly afraid of conflict. He's told me this. He's also told me he really, really likes me but isn't inlove with me. I'm putting two and two together here, and coming up with one result only. He wanted to break up with me and was afraid of telling me face to face, so he went AWOL. And now, he was just buying himself time, putting things off. When I couldn't take the anxiety anymore this morning, I decided I had reached my own limit. I wrote him a text message (no blames, just facts, and an apology for not being able to handle this better), and felt immediately relieved. Haven't heard from him, yet.

Still I wonder if i jumped to conclusions. Did I bungle because I was unable to take the break? What do you think? Am I as afraid of commitment as I think he is? Or am i doing the rational, adult thing?

[cutesista]

Now im only 15 but to me it sounds like he's doin exactly what your saying, which is goin AWOL because he doesnt want a conflict when he dumps u which i can't blame him. HOWEVER i would have broken up with him because i dont think ppl should play games with other ppl. They should just tell them whats wrong and life goes on Now honey I think your being rational and I don't think your afraid of commitment i think he is. You go find urself anotha man n ull be alright

[restlesschld]

Hmmm this is a touchy subject. The whole baby scare thing may have set all of this off in his head. And which then got you worried, and then the break got you even more paranoid about him wanting to leave you. I think you may have jumped to conclusions because of what happened between you and your ex-husband before you got into this new relationship.

Are you afraid of commitment, it kind of sounds like it, but you should be, because of what happened with your ex. The way it sounds, because you all have only been dating for 3 months, that he's acting the way most men would. 3 months and the girl starts thinking about babies and stuff, that scares them a lot (I think) But I think you acted like an adult, and maybe after some time he might come back around, although I don't know, being you don't know how he took the whole situation. Give him some time (maybe a couple of weeks, up to a month) and then see if he wants to talk. Because if you call him back right now, then he'll start to think if you are just toying with his emotions, and you don't want to do that.

 

I hope that helped some.

[jaded4life]

Wow! You have a case of dramaitis going on in your life sweetie. Firstly, at the 3 month stage of a relationship, that is 1/2 b/t the marker of the fork, undertand. Usually, at 6 months a couple will realize if they have potential for LTC, , then again hopeless romantics still exist and marry! Yet , In my experience 3 months you are feeling comfy, and cozy. and beginning to really know your partner if ya know what I mean! SO you definatley threw this guy a curve ball, any man faced with the possibiluty of a child well most men faced with that , have a difficult time. Hard to describe really. I know my ex husband loved me, however, when I became pregnant he was only 20, it is a turn form youth to adulthood. Perhaps you can talk with your fella. Warning, he may think youare a psycho strap me down kinda gal now, Sorry that is life sweetie!

[Realitybites]

Thank you all for the advice.

Just a short question for jaded4life. You say something to the effect of all/most men faced with the possibility of babies get scared, and that I threw him a curve ball. But he had himself wondered whether I was pregnant a few days earlier. At the time, I just said no way, we both use contraceptive. But I saw he got a worried look on his face. Which was why I decided to broach the subject. To tell him that should any accident happen, I would not consider keeping it, as it was far too early in the relationship. But that of course at my age and being childless, the whole thing was an issue for me. Just not now, not in this relationship. I was very specific about that. Was it still a curve ball, do you think? How much should I censor my thoughts to save him from reality? I think that's an interesting discussion on a more general level, actually.

Anyway, thankfully I feel so much better having decided not to go along with the agonizing of why he suddenly made a complete about-face, I don't feel the urge to call him. Although I have many unanswered questions. Right now, I feel I've done my part. I do look forward to finalizing things one day with him. To give this a "proper burial", so to speak. Right now I'm just not ready to face him. So the chances of him thinking I'm a psycho strap me down kind of gal are rather slim at the moment.

All the best.