invited me over...cancelled...advice!

[everythingchanges456]

For those who haven't been following my threads...I met a man at a bar/function 12 days ago...we spoke on the phone then Saturday I went to his house to talk and spend time together (no sex!). Then, Sunday no call...Monday he called around 6 but I was still working...left him a message around 8 no return call that night...now the next day (today, Tuedsay) he text me at 530 saying "what's up girl" i text back a few minutes later when I got off work...but his texts sometimes take a while so I decided to call about 20 min later....he had just picked up his Mom to take her to dinner at their family friends house...he asked how I've been chatted a few minutes and then asked if he could call me after dinner (since he was in the car with his Mom). About 10 minutes later he called back ... he was in his car his Mother asked him to take a drive to the liquor store to pick up some things and he asked what i was doing. I told him I was driving home and may go back out to meet up with some friends later but not sure after the long day if I want to take the 45 min drive to where they were going.

 

He said that if I decide not to go he thought maybe I could bring my suit and we'll get some drinks and go swimming after dinner (hot tub)...I told him I wasn't sure whether I was going with friends but likely not and that sounds cool...he said well text me if you go out and if not I'll call you after dinner.

 

Then about 45 min later I got a text from him saying "Tonight isnot going to work we'll try it later in the week if that works for you"

 

WHAT DO I DO....i was a little disappointed he text me that instead of calling...he may have gotten called in to work or he may have found out when he got back to dinner that they hoped/planned to do something together after dinner or he may have gotten another offer...i don't know...but a call would have been better. So...I didn't text back yet...don't think I will...considering if he calls later to say I didn't get the text. Or to say I did but .... ( i don't kno didn't want to bother him at dinner so didn't write back...)

 

advice!!..... thanks!

[Lily04]

wow... are u seriously analyzing his interest based on a text vs. call?? seriously, you're too obsessed... and that's coming from me.... eek. if mostly texts means lack of interest, then my bf and i had nothing to start with... we text almost exclusively...some people just prefer it though, like me. i pretty much hate talking on the phone, i think texting has honestly become part of our culture now.

[everythingchanges456]

Yes, I think it would have been nice had he called to explain a reason versus a text. If I say "ok" then he prob won't call later to have a conversation which is what I would like...to chat. I want to get to know him.

 

My bigger question tho is about calling to make a plan and texting that it isn't going to work 45 min later....I just feel disappointed the plan wasn't that important that he knew for sure he was available before making it.

 

If I'm over analyzing...please tell me...I can take it long as it's said with a smile

 

So would you text back?

[Lily04]

to be honest hun, i feel the exact same way... my guy isn't even texting me though, like i thought we were going to meet on sat. night, i texted him asking when he was planning on coming dt, etc. and he never even called or texted or emailed anything... at all. finally on monday he msgs me with a 'what's up' and i was sort of pissed... i don't know if i'm expecting too much either. he's cancelled on plans before as well... he is the super spontaneous/i-hate-plans type though, but... when we first started dating he wanted to meet everyday and would make special trips out of town to see me... i'm starting to wonder if his flaking is a sign of disinterest or what is up. i don't like it either.

[Lily04]

in my situation, however, i didn't text him back when he replied until the next day (today.) Today he then asked if I wanted to go apartment hunting with him and I declined, saying I already had plans. We texted a bit today, i asked how his shopping was going, we flirted a bit, but it was all via text. also we're both on msn now and he's not msging me. i feel confused. i don't think you should take this that personally is my thought, it still seems like he likes you, but maybe plans really did have to change. give him the benefit of the doubt... if he starts flaking more, then i would start to question. you've just started dating though, so don't worry about it... wait a bit and then text him, but don't stop talking with him altogether.,

[everythingchanges456]

Hi...so i text him back about an hr after his text saying sorry it didn't work out was looking forward to it but another time is good call later if you can

 

he called about 15 min later said he wanted to make sure i got his text. i told him i text back...he said he hadn't received it....that he just got home and wanted to make sure i got it (this was at 815) i said i'm glad you didn't get it then this way i got to hear your voice. he said that he just got in and it's late and should get to bed soon because he'll probably have a rough day tomorrow plus i have to work tomorrow too so it's not fair to me. i told him that i wouldn't have stayed late anyway because i need my sleep he laughed and said come on you know you can't get enough (jokingly) i said no matter what enough or not i need my sleep. Then he said okay so i'll talk to you soon. I tried to make conversation....said ok well sorry i didn't get to see you...he said ah don't be it's not your fault (what?!) then he said ok so i said well how are things he said good everythings good so ok good night and have a good day at work tomorrow. ...conversation was prob 3 minutes

[Miss M]

I'm not sure what type of guy he is, or what type of guy you like, but he seems flighty and unreliable IMO. He calls you on the fly in between hurried activities and has to put you on hold or call you back... he makes plans with you on a whim, and then cancels less than an hour later. That would drive me totally nuts already. And the only real time you've spent with him is when you've invited yourself to his home, (your idea, not his). I'm not a spontaneous person and I couldn't handle those whimsical last-minute activities, ESPECIALLY with the canceling, but I know everyone is not me. Does this really seem like something you can (or want to) deal with for much longer?

[everythingchanges456]

ugh!! i prob should try not to read in to it but i feel like i should have declined initially now on short notice.

 

now i will once again leave the ball in his court...but if he calls tomorrow a friend just invited me to her house tomorrow night to watch a ball game...i'm wondering whether to answer if he calls and say i'm out (or if i don't go to just say no) or not to answer at all.....one friend tells me i'm overthinking and just be me....but i know ME and I will say tomorrow if he called and wanted to get together YES

[Batya33]

it sounds like you are continuing your pattern of being available to him on a moment's notice. Now that he knows he has you wrapped around his finger a bit, available on a moment's notice to come and hook up in the hot tub (wow, he didn't even have to offer to take you out for a meal!) he has no incentive to put thought into planning a date in advance. Obviously he could have done so when he had to cancel plans or when he called you later.

 

I am sorry if that sounded harsh and obviously I have no right to expect you to follow my advice but his behavior is utterly predictable as a reaction to your behavior and as reflective of a man who is interested in hanging out and hooking up with you last minute at his convenience.

[everythingchanges456]

i take him as the type who doesn't want to play "games" not that i know him well....i also take him from what we've briefly discussed as someone who does not want to JUMP into a relationship and thinks they take time to build and get to know someone.

 

i thought the same thing when he called back to be sure i received his text...why didn't he make a future plan? i like him and would like to get to know him and honestly would like to "date" someone because I miss that in my life now. So now...batya...what do you think i should do (see my thoughts on it above) if he calls tomorrow? (or the next time)

[Batya33]

It's not playing games to tell someone you are not available last minute to go to his hot tub. It is playing games to pretend that you are fine being available last minute when you feel like you are settling for scraps of attention. A man who expects you to be available last minute to hang out and hook up is not playing a game - but he is being very clear and honest that he doesn't at this point have any intention of putting in effort to see you and make advance plans. If it makes you feel better to call it a "game' to justify jumping when he calls, so be it.

 

I advised you what to do before this - you just didn't want to follow my advice which is fine. To repeat, if you don't want to be his hang out and hook up buddy, then politely decline last minute invitations with a "wow I would love to but I already made plans tonight" (even if they are with yourself) and if he is interested in treating you with respect and like a lady - even if he is Mr. Spontaneity - he will make a plan in advance so that he gets to see you and you don't get snapped up by some other guy.

 

and, I would stop responding to his texts twice in a row - if he texts you, text him back - if he doesn't get it until tomorrow, so be it - his loss. or, call him, but tracking him down with multiple call/text is giving him the message that you're overeager or desperate to see him or be in touch.

 

once again it's your choice - short term, your approach works because you'll probably get more hot tub and couch action from him than if you delay seeing him for (gasp!) a day or two or three - but long term, you will be the hang out and hook up girl until he meets a lady he wants to feel special and respected, including her time. your choice. the latter way requires your restraint and the self esteem to know you're worth it.

 

Also, who ever said that calling a lady in advance for a date he plans has anything to do with jumping into a relationship? I would think that's treating a lady with respect, taking her on dates to see if there is potential for a relationship and wanting to make sure that she knows he has sincere intentions so that if they decide to get serious he has a chance that she will choose him.

[everythingchanges456]

i truly DO appreciate your advice....thank you ... I'm so grateful...it's just difficult in the moment of wanting to see/talk to him so badly. You are right...and i did try in my light way to say i may meet up with friends (which was true) i was just undecided at that point. Tonight was tough because he said so how are you what are your plans tonight. If he calls tomorrow then I will answer the phone but and have a conversation if i'm there when he calls...then if he ask me what i'm up to...it's hard to know what to say if i'm actually up to "nothing" and say "nothing much" and he asks me to get together....how do i then say i have plans?

 

i suppose I am being weak and insecure and caring too much about the opinion i give him of myself! i need to make a pact to stop that NOW

[Batya33]

I never said it was easy. It's not but if I did it you can too, anyone can. If he calls last minute and asks what you are doing tonight ask him why he is asking. If he invites you out say "that's sweet of you but I am busy tonight." if he asks you what you are doing say very nicely "that's an interesting question - why do you want to know?" if he continues to push, that is rude and then simply say "I am busy tonight. However, if you want to reschedule I am open to that." I would not offer to reschedule unless it gets to that point - he is a businessman so he knows full well how to plan a meeting in advance - a date is no big deal.

 

Or you can say "I have things I need to get done."

 

worst case scenario - he doesn't think you are worth the effort of making advance plans and he doesn't ask again. in my book that is a blessing because it lets you meet a man who does care enough to make advance plans.

 

I will tell you this - every man who has been seriously interested in me since I am 15 years old has wanted to make a good impression on me by asking me out for a date he planned in advance whether or not that was his typical "style". When I was 23, a 22 year old guy, fresh out of college, met me and said "y'know when I was away at college we didn't really go on "dates" - do you mind telling me how this whole dating thing works?" I did - in one sentence. He had no problem getting with the program (there is never a problem when a man is motivated to see you and has sincere intentions to date you).

[everythingchanges456]

Thank you...I feel like a fool who blew it tonight on our last call when I just didn't let him hang up and kept trying to make conversation. I was upset that he didn't WANT to have a longer conversation...i know we spoke for two or three minutes earlier with the how are you what's new things so maybe he felt there was nothing more to discuss and was really tired.

 

I am going to try to get my act together.

 

If he says okay how about tomorrow then...to plan ahead...and then says want to come by and we'll try the hot tub thing again....should i counter offer with dinner i don't want to competely decline and show unintended disinterest.

[Lily04]

hey,

you're cute. how old are you? i'm 22 and not so up and keen with the whole dating/relationship thing (well.. i've dated a bit here and there, but never had many relationships..) so i'm still sort of like you with the analyzing...

 

anyway...i think your idea of saying 'how about dinner instead to get to know one another' is good... hot tub may not be as condusive to conversation...i don't know. I remember when one guy first asked me out (we met at a nightclub), and i suspected he may just want sex as we got physical very soon (after dancing all night and physical touching....the physical aspect was definitely there.) However, I didn't want that. So when he said something like "do you want to go out after all of my exams are done, for drinks/a coffee... or maybe clubbing again?" I didn't leave clubbing as an option. I just said "drinks or coffee I can probably do... and that was it.

 

he never ended up messaging me back after about a week or 2 so by that time i figured he was only interested in me for sex and blocked him/deleted him from my contact list. he just seemed too much like a player to me and i figured if he really wanted to meet me he wouldn't have waited about 2-3 weeks to do so, and even then only when he suspected that another guy may be dating me from some comments on facebook... anyway, moral of this is... meet him on your terms. whatever you're comfortable with. don't feel bad for it. you're doing fine

[Batya33]

Ugh. This is my last try. Now that you've agreed to go to his house last night and hang out and hook up, responded to his calls and texts with lightning speed and agreed to hang out in his hot tub (i.e. hook up) of course he knows you're interested. If he calls again tomorrow simply say "thanks so much for the invitation but I am busy tonight." if you have to - if you can't help yourself - say "hopefully we can reschedule." That's it, finito.

 

But that requires you to believe you are worthy of respect and being treated like a lady instead of hang out/hook up last minute chick. If you don't strongly believe that -- or at least convince yourself to act as if you srongly believe it until it resonates inside -- nothing I say can change that and you will settle for scraps.

 

No matter how smitten I was, since my mid 20s there is no way I would have agreed to hang out and hook up with a guy I saw any future potential with. and there is no way I would have been upset in the least if he stopped calling because I wouldn't be hang out/hook up babe. But that's me - right now, it is not you so my advice is probably falling on deaf ears.

 

There is also no man I know who would ever (!) believe a woman wasn't interested because she declined a last minute hang out/hook up or a last minute date. Rather, if he respected her, he would respect that she has a life apart from him and that he better step up to the plate a bit and make plans in advance if he wants the pleasure of her company.

[Lily04]

that's a good reply as well.... did you two already have sex?? sorry, i didn't read your initial post, i just thought that you had agreed to meet him in his hot tub and maybe chatted (and kissed) over drinks or something like that, but that was the extent of it... if you already had sex in his hot tub on a first date.... I agree with Batya. You definitely need to appear a bit less available at this point. Even if not, if you're not looking for an exclusively physical relationship, it would be a good way to go to test him.

 

The guy i'm currently dating... we met at his place after about 2 weeks of dating. he did invite me to his house earlier actually, come to think of it, after about 4-5 days of dating, but I politely declined, and said explicitly "I'm sorry, but this is too soon for me to have 'sleepovers.'" He msged me back like 'LOL, sorry i didn't mean that at all!! I have 2 beds here..." (yeah right!! Lol.) but anyway... after he tried to have sex with me after about 2 weeks of dating I did say no... and he said that's fine, he's happy to take it slow.

 

Now i'm thinking there's a bit too much distance though or we're taking it a bit toooo slow and i'm getting frustrated myself! ugh. perhaps i simply expect too much... but as for you.. keep to your guns

[everythingchanges456]

NOOOO did not have sex...just alot of kissing and cuddling....heavy temptation but no nudity....

[Lily04]

then that's fine...in my opinion

[everythingchanges456]

Batya...again, I appreciate and love reading your advice. The perspective helps me try to find balance. I may not do exactly as you say....but I'm trying to find my way respectfully and honestly to a happy relationship. I did try, albeit, failed to take your and others advice...it's a process...yes, it's hard when I'm lonely...and I am lonely. And I am feeling older and hopeless...I am 6 months out of a long term relationship....I never should have been in. I want to have love and happiness and I do get overeager tho I TRY not to show it because I know it looks foolish. I do go back and forth with thinking what's so wrong with just going to spend time...why do I have to follow rules....I'd love to see him so why not. I do have insecurities. Not out of being unattractive, unintelligent, unworthy...I do honestly have men hitting on me on a daily basis but for one reason or another I am not interested. Then low and behold when I am interested I don't want to screw it up and my insecurities do come out.

 

So I thank you again very much your advice keeps me strong and that's why I come on here. It's frustrating to see you say "UGH LAST TIME" I see your advice but when I play out a scenario in my head to picture exactly what I would say and be comfortable with I have questions on how to phrase it.

[Lily04]

and no word for me? lol... i feel exactly like u.

[Miss M]

For what it's worth ETC, my heart goes out to you, and I know you're doing your best. Those unwieldy emotions are a lot to handle and we've all been there too. And I'm rooting for you, and I hope this comes to a satisfactory end for you. You deserve it. Hang in there sweets ((Hugs)).

[Batya33]

There is a superficial appeal to "why do I need rules- you only live once, I want to see him, he asked me to hang out so I am going for it, yeah!" the problem with that is the same problem with other things done impulsively that are not in your best interests in the long term - like taking a last minute vacation the weekend before a big exam or an important meeting, having sex with a stranger if you know you'll feel icky the next day, etc. when you're smitten it is tempting to just go with those yummy feelings and act impulsively. That is very cool - nothing wrong with it - other than you risk the potential for a long term relationship by giving the hang out/hook up chick impression to him.

 

So - no- you don't have to follow any rules - you can do exactly what you want when you want it "just because." Would you be where you are in your job, in your educational achievements, in your close friendships if you just threw away all rules and just acted impulsively based on impulsive feelings? That's the tradeoff.

 

Obviously there are women who married men who they slept with on the first date (but they're the exception) and sometimes hang out/hook up can lead to a long term relationship (but usually when the couple are away at college where most people don't formally "date").

 

But you are mistaken if you see these guidelines as "playing a game" or not being honest. I can tell from your posts that if you act impulsively and continue to be hang out/hook up girl you will be very dishonest with yourself because you'll be settling for the scraps he throws you.

[everythingchanges456]

Thank you to all of you...for your opinions and advice....I truly appreciate it!

[Lily04]

i wish the best for you... i don't know if you've viewed my thread, but i've decided on committed suicide shortly. i wish you the best of luck and take care.