What to do?! Ex-boyfriend won't let me go!

[LaLa]

I dated a guy for 3 and a half years. I left him about 3 months ago. Mainly because I felt ignored and I was no longer happy in the relationship. When I first broke up with him, he took it pretty bad. He was everywhere- I have since moved, changed phone numbers etc and for awhile I hadn't talked to him. Well, he called me at work earlier this week (one number I can't change) and was being very nice and calm so I talked to him, as friends, for about 15 minutes. Then he decided he was going to show up at work on my lunch hour. I was not very thrilled by this, but went ahead and talked to him. He was telling me how much he missed me, how beautiful I am, and how he wished he had done things differently. Part of me wants him back because I do love him, I always will. He was my best friend (even before we dated). I am however involved in another relationship (he does not know this- only because I know how hard our breakup was on him in the 1st place and I don't want to make it worse.) The guy I am with now is absolutely wonderful. He would do anything for me and vice versa. What should I do about the ex? He keeps e-mailing and calling me asking me when he can take me out. I don't want to hurt his feelimgs, but I know that he needs to let go. The more I talk etc to him, the harder it is. Please help.

[avman]

I know you don't want to hurt him, but you are going to have to be firm and tell him he cannot talk to you anymore. As long as you show him even a glimmer of hope that you might come back to him, he'll probably keep it up.

 

This is an interesting post since there are several here from people in the position of your ex. They want to know if they should be persistent in trying to get their ex to come back. Many people tell them yes. So its interesting to see it from your point of view. You seem like a nice person and you don't want to tell him to get lost - but you just want to move on.

 

He's going to get hurt, no matter what you do. Make it as quick as possible, rather than drawing out the pain. Then he can get on with his healing process and hopefully find happiness.

[faeriechyld]

Hello there,

 

I understand you are having a difficult time with your ex because he still wants to be with you, but you are happy in your new relationship.

 

I've been in a situation very similar to this before, and my advice to you is to set him straight asap. I went back and forth with my ex for 2 years and all I can do now is look back, shake my head, and think "what a waste." You know you don't want to get back with him, you may still love him, but you have to think about what is best for you. Love never dies, you will always love someone, however, sometimes it is not enough for a relationship to survive.

 

I suggest you tell him that you are not interested in getting back together with him and that he needs to move on. If you don't want to tell him about your new relationship, then don't. But just make sure you firmly tell him there is no hope.

 

Best wishes!

[phil1981UK]

I think you need to tell him never to contact you again. If he cant take it or carrys on contacting you, you have to absolutly bury him, call the police and get a court order preventing him from contacting you.

 

All the time you carry on talking to him you are letting him believe there is a chance you will get back together, drop all contact dead.

 

Its gonna be hard but better for both of you in the long run.

 

Good luck.

[caliboy]

I've been in his shoes before, and you've got to be totally blunt with him. Tell him that it's not going to work and that he needs to not contact you for awhile until he's better. I wouldn't tell him that you two can't talk ever again, but just not for awhile. Then it's going to be up to him to get better. But it's important that you don't call him or do ANYTHING to lead him on at all, cause he'll definitely take it the wrong way and lead himself on with it. It's rough, I've had to do it to a girl before and i've had a girl do it to me before, but you've got to do it and do it now so that he can move on sooner.

[kamurj]

Three months is not a long time. It's difficult, I'm sure to deal with something like this in 3 months. Were any of these relationships the on-again off-again type? Were you involved with your new bf prior to breaking up with this guy? What are you basing your decision on now? More info would be helpful as I've been in a similar situation before and could offer you some examples and advice.

 

I must say though, that it's never good to keep an ex in the picture, especially in any kind of "intimate" way. There is potential to cause some serious hurt here, including yourself. Why do YOU think it's not easy for you to make a decision?

 

Feel free to pm me...

[Princess777]

I'd like to put in a different point of view here because I think you need to ask yourself some questions in order to make this decision. Were you really ready to move on to someone else when you took on this new relationship? I'm not saying that the new guy is not wonderful, because they all are for the first few months, until the real person comes out. But what I'm saying is, I don't think this would bother you so much if you really didn't care for your ex. You were with him for 3 years... and you're already in another relationship after 3 months, which isn't a bad thing, don't get me wrong, but do you think you may have done this for the wrong reasons? Are you still in love with your ex? I'm not asking you if you LOVE him, are you still IN LOVE with him? If he didn't cheat on you, what did he do that was so bad before? Can you see yourself living without him for the rest of your life? Maybe answering these questions will help you decide whether to shut him out. He obviously cares deeply for you or he wouldn't go to so much trouble. There's a lot to be said for a guy who puts it all on the line, with no shame, to try to get you back. That doesn't happen very often. I would at least meet with him in a public place for a quality conversation and ask him a lot of questions, bring up subjects that bothered you in the past and see his responses and see if he's changed. HOWEVER, If you truly feel that you never want to be with him anymore and you just feel sorry for him and don't want to "hurt" him, then I agree with the others who posted here. I just kind of got the feeling that you still care very much for him and maybe think there's a possibility of getting back together, and wouldn't want to advise you to tell him to beat it and later on find out that this new guy wasn't right for you and was a rebound. Guilt could eat you up later and by then it might be too late to get him back. I would think long and hard before telling him to leave you alone, unless he cheated on you before. In that case, tell him to beat it because that is unforgivable.

Princess777

[TG2003]

You should evaluate your reasons for leaving again. If you still love him it may be worth trying again. When you broke up did you tell him why? Had you ever discussed it with him prior to that? If you didn't he very likely was not been aware of any of it. Talk to him about the issues and give him a chance to reply. And LISTEN. What you may have taken as lack of interest or caring on his part may actually have been ignorance. If he is still pursuing you after 3 months, his feelings are real. Now the question is can the two of you get back together and follow thru on mending your issues. 3 years is a long time to be together, something must have been working.

 

You will have to work at it for awhile until you get into the rythym. But it will be worth it. And remember, he probably has some issues too, that he has suppressed while trying to win you back. Be sure to discuss his side of things. Don't beat the issues to death, concentrate on the solutions.

[Carlito412]

Dear Posters:

I am exactly in the same shoes of the original poster's man with the exception that I was with my girl for 8 years and lived with her for 7.5 years! It has been 3 months as well for me since we broke up and she is now seeing someone else as well. I have actually been good to her by not calling her at work or home for that matter and definitely not trying to disrupt her life by popping in at work or at her house unannounced.

What I don't understand is why my girl will NOT tell me its over and NOT tell me that there is no chance and that its over and she doesn't want to speak to me anymore. It really would be better for the both of us if she did that to bring closure to the table. And I have asked her to tell me that and she can't! Now I have to just hear info that's fed to me by her and her best friend that she has introduced her to her mom and niece and that SHE LOVES HIM out of all things!! After three months of leaving me and she's in love with someone else...it wasn't even about cheating either...

To the original poster...if you are happy and satisfied with your new man...you need to let your ex go! It will be the best thing for you and him! And make sure you make your decision firmly and with no regrets, because it will be something that you will never be able to take back!

[lessthanjed]

you also need to realize that you are in the "honeymoon" stage of your current relationship. Remember, you had that with your original guy also. After awhile the honeymoon wears off, and things become real. He obviously loves you very much. It isn't just letting go. Sometimes it takes situations like this to make people realize what they did wrong, and to look and see that changes that need to be made in the relationship. You learn to appreciate each other again. However, I believe that if you had voiced your frustrations, and let him know your true feelings things could have changed sooner. I'm in the EXACT same situation right now. I lost the love of my life because she felt like I didn't love her anymore. I took her for granted, and she took me. I'm working very hard to win her back, because we were sooo great together. She agrees with me also, and we are in the process of fixing things. She dated another guy, which I learned to accept, which has caused her to appreciate me more.

 

I think it would be worth giving another try. Especially if he is your best friend. That is something you don't just walk into everyday. Relationships generally start out well. What you need to ask yourself is: What happens when me and this new guy get comfortable with one another? You will have the same situation as before. If it were me, I would choose somebody I view as my best friend, and love, over an unknown. My ex chose the unknown, and soon learned that these exact words that I am telling you are right. Pretty soon he's not going to want to do everything for you. He's in the process of "winning" you. After that is finished, he will gradually choose his own needs and desires over yours. It is our nature. What needs to happen to avoid this, is constant momentum in a relationship. Keep things from getting boring. This is something I lacked with my ex. We had no momentum, and eventually we died. I made some changes in my life, and I'm ready to take her on again.

 

I don't understand why people view this guy as a jerk because he won't get over her. If it were me, I'd be flattered if somebody loved me that much.

[hshot_rooke]

I agree with lessthanjed.

 

I've actually gone 9 months and have been emailing my EX trying to let her know how much I love her. How much things would be different because I realize my mistakes now.

 

LaLa's EX may not be the jerk he seems to be. SOMETIMES LOVE HURTS SO MUCH THAT YOU DO SOME CRAZY THINGS. Sometimes you love someone so much and to have them not feel the same way, makes you feel so worthless inside that you want to make things all better for you and your girl/boy friend. It makes you want to die inside. It makes you essentially crazy to have what you had before. This is probably what he is feeling.

 

I know I'm pretty stable, and I know I've said some psycho things since my EX and I ended it. But if you know that your relationship would be so much different, so much better now that you understand your mistakes, isn't it worth it to hang on to something that you love so much?

 

That being said, 2 people must feel the same way for it to work. The two must be willing to try again. To love again or it will never work.

 

I'm glad to hear some of the replies, especially Princess777, TG2003 and lessthanjed. Yes, I know there are 2 sides to every story and harassment is never a good thing. But try to look at it from his point of view. He's doing it for love. He realizes he missed out on something very special in his life and is fighting to get it back.

 

One way or the other, take the advice of the posts LaLa. If you don't want him ever, let him know so he can hurt and hurt and eventually move on. I'm sure you would make him the happiest man on the planet though if you gave him another chance. Doesn't everyone deserve another chance?

[_it_]

I'm in a somewhat similar situation. I broke up with my gf of 2 years 11 days ago. Since then she has gone from giving me back gifts that I gave her which she's vandalised to being me to get back together with her to wanting to be my best friend but still telling me the she hasn't and won't give up on the idea of us getting back together.

 

There were a lot of reasons the led to me breaking up with her including her cheating on me, her constantly changing her mind about whether she wanted to be with me or not, her accusing me of cheating when I went out with friends, her constantly criticising me and putting me down and her putting up a wall around herself that, among other things, stopped her from loving me for her "protection".

Since I broke up with her she has claimed that cheating on me was the best thing she could have done for our relationship because it showed her who she really wanted to be with.

 

I know that getting back together with her would be a bad idea because I don't believe anything would change but at times it seems like the easier thing to do.