TG2003

You should evaluate your reasons for leaving again. If you still love him it may be worth trying again. When you broke up did you tell him why? Had you ever discussed it with him prior to that? If you didn't he very likely was not been aware of any of it. Talk to him about the issues and give him a chance to reply. And LISTEN. What you may have taken as lack of interest or caring on his part may actually have been ignorance. If he is still pursuing you after 3 months, his feelings are real. Now the question is can the two of you get back together and follow thru on mending your issues. 3 years is a long time to be together, something must have been working. You will have to work at it for awhile until you get into the rythym. But it will be worth it. And remember, he probably has some issues too, that he has suppressed while trying to win you back. Be sure to discuss his side of things. Don't beat the issues to death, concentrate on the solutions.

Think about it. If you both feel the same way maybe it is worth trying to save. But approach with caution and put the emphasis on communication of the problems and the differences. Start off by anwsering the email with your own thoughts and asking for your partner's thought on anything that is bothering either of you. If you get back together, try to keep it initially to a discussion of the issues you have and reestablish the personal bonds. Physical intimacy can wait a little while. You need to continue to remind each other of the things that bother each of you and try to make allowances for each other. Try to do this in a positive or structured way. Maybe sit down once a week at the start and talk about how things are going. Any successful relationship requires good communication and a willingness to resolve conflicts. People can change when they want to. Take responsibility for your own part in this too.

I've been dating a woman for 6 months. Last month she broke up with me after drifting away for a few weeks. I tried to get her to talk about it, but she continued to put me off, while still talking to me about neutral things. I've sent her some rather lengthy letters trying to explain my feelings and thoughts, and to get her to talk to me. After a few weeks I finally got an answer the gist of which is: "I never intended for things to end up this way. I miss the way things used to be. but I need to move on now. I am dealing with a ton of stuff. And now I ask you to please understand and just be a friend to me." There were alot of other comments that basically revolved around her feeling insecure about the potential of the relationship and feeling down. She has moved from not believing me to accepting that I am sincere and telling her the truth about my feelings. We used to work together. For some political and financial reasons, we don't anymore. But she is very adamant that she wants to be friends and that she would like me to work with her again. I am trying to accommodate this, but having some difficulty getting it arranged. We were also some distance from each other so travel made things somewhat difficult. OK that's some background. But that isn't my problem. My problem is that she is going thru a divorce. And she is on the tail end of it. At exactly the time that she started to drift away, a series of things in her life went wrong to increase her stress level dramatically. She also reached the point in the divorce where papers had been presented to the court. Because of the divorce and her five young children I tried to maintain my distance and offer her support. I was concerned about the divorce, her still being married, and the possibility of them reconciling. I was also very concerned for the long term and my relationship with the children which I felt would be strained by rushing things. I maybe lost track of the short term needs while looking out for the long term. She on the other hand was very emotional and needy throughout this time. When the stress mounted, instead of turning to me, she pulled away instead. She is now interested in seeing someone else, and has said she has done so, but I am unsure on whether this is going anywhere or was just an companion or friendship thing. I've not discussed it with her very much. The difficult part for me in all of this is that she is very much interested in maintaining contact with me. She has become upset with my trying to get her to talk on several occasions and told me she would never contact me again. Only to return the following day to chat online. I've received answers to all my questions now and have backed off quite a bit, though I have made it clear to her that I want her back whenever she is ready. I've sent her flowers several times with some nice notes. She says she doesn't like this attention at her workplace, and when I asked her if she wanted me to stop and to stop trying she finally said yes. (after I asked the question a half dozen times over 2 weeks). So I sent her flowers again after a couple weeks. And she didn't seem to mind that too much. We had a long telephone conversation after that that was quite pleasant. I feel that it is important that she keep in mind that I am still interested and not file me away as a friend. So, very low key, but there. We met for lunch once about 2 weeks ago and I told her a few things and held her hand for several minutes after which she pulled away. She was noticeably getting emotional at times. She later said that I was crossing some boundaries during lunch. She has chatted online with me regularly since the breakup. Sometimes more than others, but it has been steadily increasing. Phone calls have also increased too (1-2 per day during the week) and she seems more comfortable talking to me. But she still refuses to see me for even a simple lunch or dinner. And on the weekends she all but disappears. (the kids take a great deal of her time and she is spending time socializing and with family from what she has told me). It is my belief that this entire situation is caused by her stress over the divorce and other events all piling on her at once. I know that getting involved with her so quickly after her separation was a bad move, but the heart knows what it wants and all that. She was very intense about her interest in me. I have been in love with her (silently) for years. When she separated and showed some interest, I just couldn't say no to her. I realize that she may need to sow her wild oats, and that I may have to wait. She was married from a young age for 10 years. I was her first partner after that, but we were good friends and coworkers for 3 years or so prior. I am having a terrible time with this. I am terribly in love with her and have no desire to go elsewhere. But the ongoing "friendship" thing is making it even harder. I am trying to be there for her to talk to (she has) and to lean on if she needs to (she hasn't). She's got a terrible independent streak but she is also very fragile and insecure. I have gotten alot of advice about the idea of our relationship. After all hindsight is 20-20 and people with that kind of vision are very proud of it. I am definitely putting myself in harms way here by maintaining contact. But I really don't care about that. My concern is for her well being and for our possible future. My emotional state is terrible, but I am dealing with it in positive ways, so I m not concerned about myself. My goal is to eventually reconcile with her when she is ready. If that is possible, then whatever I have to go thru to get there will be worthwhile. Any advice on what is the best way to proceed? What is the psychology here? Is it ok to be there for her and maintain a close friendship, or will that cause more harm? Is out of sight a better way? Does absense really make the heart grow fonder? Or am I doing the best thing? Thanks.