Some advice please!!

[rachun5]

I have some concerns about amy boyfriend. I am trying to figure out if he has a drinking problem. Alittle history about him, he is German and his father is an alcoholic. He is 26 and has been in the drinking scene for a while (it is one of the things he associates with having fun - football, video games, going out). His best friend drinks SO much and his best friend's dad is an alcoholic. He also hangs out with another guy that drinks a lot too. The drinks mostly consist of beer.

 

Since he has met me, his drinking has been reduced to drinking about once or twice a week. However, whenever he hangs out with his friends, that's what he does. I don't know if that is normal for a man his age - am i just being paranoid? He drinks a lot when he drinks....probably 10 to 15 drinks and maybe a shot (if he goes to a bar). I just feel like he enjoys it too much and he sees no problem with it at all. He goes to school and has his future in mind all the time - this is why i am so confused because one aspect of his life is school and fun pasttimes like golf, and another is sitting around and drinking. It just doesn't make sense. He is a real happy person and he doesn't get depressed (or if he does get sad, he hides it like a typical guy would). Please help me out because I just keep going back and forth in my mind - yes, he has a problem or yes, he will get worse, or no, he is just a regular guy that when he hangs out with his buddies, he drinks. Something else to add against him, he fell asleep on his staircase about 2 weeks ago. Is this normal???

 

Thank you for listening.

[DoorMouse]

Have you tried to talk to him about your concerns with his drinking? If not, I suggest you do so. Let him know that you care, and you are concerned about his physical as well as mental health. If he expresses the same concerns and thinks he might have a problem, check in your phone book for your local Alcoholics Anonymous chapter. Call for advice from them, they might be able to point you in the right direction.

[rachun5]

I speak to him all the time about it - it is actually all we fight over because he really thinks i am stressing over nothing. In the beginning of our relationship, we made a deal that he cannot drink before he is going to see me - and since we see each other like everyday, he stopped doing that. However, when he does go out with his friends and hangs out - he drinks (because we don't see each other every day of our lives). In the beginning i didn't really trust him thinking, "oh, if he's not with me, then he's drinking". I don't really think that a lot anymore - now i am just concerned with the quanitity he drinks and how much he likes it.

[russia]

if you get it down to once or twice a week, you can see he's still in control, and not addicted. well, not a fullblown addiction anyway. but the propensity for addiction is there, given his background history

 

you know, quite a few Germans are proud of their beer tradition (Oktoberfest) and would not take it very nicely if their men can't drink beer by the gallon!

 

however, please note that you are the one making him stop (cos it's either you or drinks, so he's not stupid. drinks he can get anytime, you he can't) so the most you are doing is really forcing him to be a sneaky drinker, or else he really stops and then really have a great time with his pals.

 

i am surprised that having come from an alcohol-related family, he does not abhor alcohol, but prefers it. if so, there is a great chance he will follow his father's footsteps. and no one can stop him (if you do, you will lose him, one day).

 

i suggest that you be prepared to give him up, because you are not a drinker, and this great divide will continue to cause great harm to this relationship. this is not one of those "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" situations. you becoming an alcoholic will certainly not help the relationship.

 

if he doesn't wake up, check into AA on his own, and when clean, comes back to you, move on. (but don't tell him this. he's got to find it on his own. if you tell him, then he will do it, but for you, again. and one day, when his self control is down, he will drop right back into his old pattern, and hate you for forcing him to change and suffer so many years...)