Muzatsu Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 Hello people, I have been alternating between periods of NC and LC for a short while now (aka. this summer) I have made several mistakes of sending harsh and angry letters to my ex and I was wondering if this next letter would only push him off a cliff in terms of chances with me. SO tell me folks, are some things better left unsaid? Read here (caution: LONG) Dear *******, I was wondering, with all this need to gain self-esteem and what not, whether I could clear some things out. I will not be vindictive or anything, but I just want honesty at this point. If you are going to be irritated or say something half-assed and whimsical, then by all means, don't respond at all. I am not trying to pull a fast one on you and guilt you into anything. I am writing to give myself piece of mind, and to end any suffering I have inflicted upon myself at this point. That's right, you aren't doing anything, it's me. I have let myself suffer by letting you affect me so. What I want to know is why exactly we broke up. It seems I can't remember either time, why it happened. Other people, when being dumped, are at least given clear reasons why. You have always left in a state of ambiguity and I just want to know why. You have probably let other people know and let me know last each time, because I'm the one about to get terminated. For the record, I want to finally be at peace and at least know what I did to make you feel so ambivalent about everything. You say I did nothing wrong, and that in the relationship, I made you happy. But if I genuinely made you happy and I didn't do anything wrong at all, then why would you leave? For your priorities have changed. Or whatnot. Is that some silly line designed to let me down easy? To just me lie down softly instead of drop me flat out as some final act of mercy? Or are you being truthful like you said you were? Is it honestly what you mean, or are you just trying to transition me out smoother? In my quest to respect myself, I want to know why I was either treated disrespectfully by others, or as a doormat, and see that it doesn’t happen again. I have begun establishing the same lines of communication with my parents and certain friends. And as for you, I will do the same. If the real reason you broke up with me is because of anything ranging from utter incompatibility, having no feelings whatsoever for me anymore, to being simply uncertain or afraid of commitment because you are too prideful to be with someone without feeling compromised, or you are simply too young and feel as if you need more "experience" and that there are plenty of fish besides me to sample, bombs away. Ambiguity, like "it's not you it's me" and "My priorities have changed", and other one-line clichés are very hokey and worn out. If you are going to live your entire life using swooping generalizations, then go ahead. It is convenient and doesn't make you think that hard. And in the long-run I am sure you will make very meaningful interpersonal relationships that way. But you don't mind being alone do you, that's you sarcasm> You said the world is far larger than you and I, but at the same time, your view in general when dealing with difficult situations is to just glide out of it like it means nothing. I don't wish to run away, repress, or do any other convenient, yet completely ineffective coping methods. I never let go of the past because I never forgive the past or resolve anything. All of my problems, are in essense, a failure to forgive and forget. To me, doing these things in the past have only led me to become depressed and cynical because it makes me bitter about things that coulda, shoulda woulda. I can't live a life where I constantly live in cowardice by being passive and letting conflict go by accepting things that are unfair to me. I know you don't want your life to be comprised of that either, because like it or not, unless I am completely off base, we are both generally passive people. I want to forgive you, legitimately. I don't want to just say I forgive you and not forget all trespasses, which in effect does nothing. I want to be pleasant and not sound angered towards you. Because the last thing I want right now is to be angry at you. And the last thing I want to do is hold on to hope if there is none. Please either be honest, or just tell me that you can’t and either way I’ll know what kind of person you truly are and forgive you accordingly. Sincerely, Muzatsu Link to comment
Lana0120 Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 I think it gets off to a bad start, it comes accross as very angry and it's way too long. I'd keep it to a paragraph and get in the salient details - you'd like to know why he broke up with you because he never explained and it would give you some closure, and that you'd like to be friends in spite of it all. Link to comment
Muzatsu Posted August 17, 2007 Author Share Posted August 17, 2007 Yeah, I do think it's too angry. I have repeatedly pushed him back by making extravagant and furious letters. I don't think it would solve anything by sending this letter realistically would it... Link to comment
Lana0120 Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 Nope, fraid not. And I don't think it'll make you feel better either, because you'll just feel frustrated if he doesn't respond or angry if he says something unpleasant. If you want to e-mail him, I think go ahead, but definitely make it brief so he won't be tempted to skip some of it and be friendly, but not overly friendly. Link to comment
Cimmie Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 My opinion is that you should not send this letter. It is hostile. You may not be able to see that it is hostile, but it is. Be honest with yourself here. What do you want from this guy? If it is for him to love you and take you back, this letter is counter-productive and will not achieve that. In fact, it will give him more ammunition to justify WHY he broke it off with you. I'd advise you to take some time to read through Superdave's posts on here about NC. The bottom line is: people freely decide whether they want to be with us or not. They have free choice. If they don't want to be with us, it's nice if they give us a reason, but very few people are honest enough to do this. You are not 'owed' an explanation. Your personal development and healing is nothing to do with him. He is the person who hurt you. Can you see that looking for explanations from him or assistance in your journey of personal growth from him is paradoxical? You just have to accept that this person does not want to be with you, heal yourself, and find someone who does. It may take a short time, it may take a long time. But it's about YOU, not him, anymore. Sending that letter is trying to get a reaction from him, and it will likely be the kind of reaction you really do not want. Link to comment
Muzatsu Posted August 17, 2007 Author Share Posted August 17, 2007 Now I don't know. I am thinking maybe I should stick to NC. Because you are right, I will just get angry if he doesn't reply or replies angrily back... Link to comment
Lana0120 Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 I think Cimmie is right. Until you can cool down, no contact probably is for the best. Link to comment
Muzatsu Posted August 17, 2007 Author Share Posted August 17, 2007 Yea looking back on the letter now, I do have a very angry tone lol. And he is his own person, so he isn't obligated to reason anything out with me. I have read SD's posts, and am trying to adhere to them...but I always feel tempted to send these angry letters. Link to comment
prizmpyxis Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 Hi Muzatsu, I agree with everyone else on this forum, as some things are better left unsaid and it sounds like you still have a great deal of feelings for this guy. Whatever the reason he has for breaking up with you, one thing is clear to me: I think that even if you know his true reason it will only make you more upset and hurt. There really is no "acceptable" reason for breaking up. I also think that what Cimmie said is very valuable, and that it truly isn't about him anymore...but it's about YOU now. You need to work on being independent, and getting over him completely. Once you do that, then if you CHOOSE to...maybe you could have a friendship with him and see where it went wrong. Sending him any sort of letter at this moment is only going to make him annoyed and angry. Give yourself some time to heal, and then if you choose to, you can contact him. Link to comment
Muzatsu Posted August 17, 2007 Author Share Posted August 17, 2007 It's been about three months but I keep sliding between feeling friendly, to being hostile, to being so down in the dumps. Link to comment
Muzatsu Posted August 17, 2007 Author Share Posted August 17, 2007 This is true, thanks for being honest guys. I feel so up and down and round and round it doesn't make sense. I was just wonder if someone you initially not like you anymore but then find out that they were wrong... Link to comment
husk Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 Well i was in this situation yesterday my girlfriend never broke up with me just said she needed time to think and figure out her doubts about moving and my kids but i never herd back from her she has been totally silient. So i sent her a email yesterday just stating how i felt and that i enjoyed the time i had with her and wished her well and told her i was moving on to make me feel better. Kinda wished i hadnt sent it now but oh well what is it going tio matter it is over so i must move on. But it still makes you wonder why people just walk away and never explain anything just like you was never alive. Link to comment
Cimmie Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 It's been about three months but I keep sliding between feeling friendly, to being hostile, to being so down in the dumps. That is completely normal after a breakup. But it is also very draining and not productive in the long run (although it is really hard to see this when you are going through it). The only way to heal is to do NC. It's the only thing that gives you sufficient distance to see things exactly how they are and to sort yourself out. NC is not about punishing your ex or trying to provoke a reaction from them. It's about you deciding (and it is a decision) that enough is enough, and that the emotional rollercoaster you are putting youself on has taken enough of your time and energy. When he is out of your consciousness on a daily basis, you will not longer have anything to react against, except memories, and you can handle those on your own. You need to 'get over' him, and to do that you need to be out of contact. I didn't listen to everyone's advice about this for 18 months, and learned the hard way. But since NC my emotional state has improved a lot. It works, so save yourself the hassle and do it! Link to comment
Muzatsu Posted August 17, 2007 Author Share Posted August 17, 2007 Yeah, I've been struggling to gain some ground here and even though I keep falling in and out of progress, I am slowly trying to turn things around. I've started playing the piano and guitar by myself. Trying to self teach myself lol. Link to comment
happy79 Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 Hey Muzatsu Don't send the letter, it's too harsh in its tone. If you really really want to send something, keep it really short and sweet but the tone will have to completely change. A lot softer. It is really tempting to send letters, but don't do it. Avoid it if you can. I hope you're ok, it is a rollercoaster of emotions but try your best to not react to them (if that makes sense). I was angry last night and I had my phone in my hands, but I put the phone down and I just let the anger subside. It was a passing burst of anger but if I'd acted upon it I would have really regretted it today!! Link to comment
Muzatsu Posted August 17, 2007 Author Share Posted August 17, 2007 Hey Muzatsu Don't send the letter, it's too harsh in its tone. If you really really want to send something, keep it really short and sweet but the tone will have to completely change. A lot softer. It is really tempting to send letters, but don't do it. Avoid it if you can. I hope you're ok, it is a rollercoaster of emotions but try your best to not react to them (if that makes sense). I was angry last night and I had my phone in my hands, but I put the phone down and I just let the anger subside. It was a passing burst of anger but if I'd acted upon it I would have really regretted it today!! I've already sent 5 letters of this magnitude, and probably with the same tone in the past. I don't want to make the same mistakes anymore, which is why asked for the opinions, and now I see that I was being wrong. I don't know if all those letters ruined any chance of us at all. I made mistakes but if I stop starting with this, I wonder if I can undo the damage I've done. Link to comment
lawofnature Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 I think you've already made the decision at this point. However, just in case you feel the urge to send a letter again...write a draft...save it...keep it for couple days then read it again...And I'm telling you, you will not want to send it anymore. I've written my ex about 10 letters at this point since the break up (3mos+ ago too) but instead of sending him, I opened a new email account to send them to. I went back and read them over the past weekend and I'm telling you I almost fell off the chair! I'm like you. I'm still on a rollercoaster and I can't believe how slow I am on the recovery process...but I believe in what other people here said, anything you do at this point will only push him further away...The decision has been made no matter the real reason was (if you recall my earlier post, our situations are strikingly similar)...The only thing you can do is respect their choice then take care of yourself and be a better you...I'm still struggling in NC too but I think I'm getting better everyday... *hugs* Link to comment
Lana0120 Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 I think sometimes just writing these letters and writing down your feelings can be a good way of venting without the need for sending them off. Link to comment
Muzatsu Posted August 17, 2007 Author Share Posted August 17, 2007 Thanks for the hugs! Yeah our situations are pretty similar...I hate LDRs. What once was beautiful really can break down because of distance and miscommunication. I know he's probably tired of me and pushed pretty far back by all the anger I threw at him. I couldn't help it, I was blind with hurt and pain...I know that's everyone's story but hey. When you get dumped right after prom it is kind of a sucky thing. Link to comment
Clabs Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 I think sometimes just writing these letters and writing down your feelings can be a good way of venting without the need for sending them off. This is right on the money! Write the stuff out - pour it all out and then don't send it. Look at it with a fresh pair of eyes the next day and you will likely boggle your own mind with what you wrote This writing stuff down can be so theraputic. Mark Link to comment
Muzatsu Posted August 17, 2007 Author Share Posted August 17, 2007 Yeah maybe I should send it to myself instead to simulate the compulsive need to send it to him...maybe it would make me feel much better than to read another one of his angry responses. Link to comment
Clabs Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 That's certainly a plan! If you keep sending him this stuff you will simply cement in his head his justification to be away from this loon. I know you are not a loon - don't take it the wrong way - just leave him be honey. Come and vent at us instead. Mark Link to comment
Muzatsu Posted August 17, 2007 Author Share Posted August 17, 2007 Alright clabs, I feel ya. I guess I made myself seem like a nutcase. I've made so many mistakes. I've fallen apart in front of him, begged, and sent the whole novel of letters. I even told him I would die! I made myself look like a maniac... I don't know if he will ever get past that...do you think he could forget the way I've acted. Link to comment
in_love Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 Now I don't know. I am thinking maybe I should stick to NC. Because you are right, I will just get angry if he doesn't reply or replies angrily back... Listen to me... Just get on with your life and forget him. When you feel great with yourself maybe hit him up for a catch up but for your own sanity and self respect dont send a damned thing to your ex! Each shred of attention you give your ex inflates their ego and lessons the respect they have for you... if you treated your ex bad and that was the reason they ended it then being ncie AFTER you get dumped just makes them wonder why it took them to dump you before you realised. Send nothing, do nothing and simply try your hardest to forget your ex till at LEAST you are happy being alone again. Link to comment
Muzatsu Posted August 17, 2007 Author Share Posted August 17, 2007 Listen to me... Just get on with your life and forget him. When you feel great with yourself maybe hit him up for a catch up but for your own sanity and self respect dont send a damned thing to your ex! Each shred of attention you give your ex inflates their ego and lessons the respect they have for you... if you treated your ex bad and that was the reason they ended it then being ncie AFTER you get dumped just makes them wonder why it took them to dump you before you realised. Send nothing, do nothing and simply try your hardest to forget your ex till at LEAST you are happy being alone again. Yeah...I need to forget him and focus only on what I can do for today. Link to comment
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