I feel loved, but I dont feel wanted and important

[Tears May Fall]

In a nutshell, my gf of a year and half makes me feel as though i come second to some things. There are two things mainly that cause this issue and ill explain that later. To start off generally, when we do hang out or even speak on the phone, theres a lack of overall enthuasiasm, and it makes me feel as though shes not excited to be with me. She verbally states she looks fwd to spending time with me, but doesnt do so much to show it. Whether its how she confronts me when i first see her, or how she carries out the remainder of the time together. I have to be the one to initiate the touching and affection a good majority of the time. I have to make majority of the plans and tell her to come out. Im the one sending all sorts of wild and fun text messages throughout the day to her and i usually get a lame reply like lol. She shows me love, and caring and sweetness and is a really good girl to me and i get along with her great and with her family and all but sometimes i just dont feel like im getting enough of her and although it sounds possessive and jealous, i just love being with my girl and i wish i could have more of her and her undivided attention to me.

 

She has two major things that circumvent around this issue. One, is her lack of energy and need for sleep. She has suffered from anxiety and depression thruout her life, and says her sleep is extremely vital to her for her to function normally. Fine, fair enough. But when i say sleep, she needs to sleep and is just blasted by the end of the day, whether she worked or not or has to work to the next day. thereforeeee, whenever we are out, basically at some point in the night, usually much earlier than i anticipate or want, she states that she has to go home either because shes tired, or her parents want her to be home. Mind you, shes 25 years old, a responsible college grad nurse who supports herself, and i find it odd that her parents set a curfew on her, however once when we were on a break, and i found out she went out for a whole long night of fun with some friends and got home at 6 in the morning and it didnt seem like a problem then.

 

The lack of energy is constantly displayed in her lack of enthuasiasm, and she sometimes seems dull and boring unless i keep the conversation going. She is ALWAYS the one to end the phonecall, end the night, end the outing, whatever may it be. I almost NEVER have spoken to her on the phone past midnight, and my end of the day before going to bed phonecall from her is usually JUST that, ok babe im goin to bed, gnite...literally nomore than 10-15 mins TOPS. Just makes me feel like I should get more of a show of interest at the least, instead of seeming so lackadaisical all the time, and brushing me off with her reason of, "well you know how i am with my sleep".

 

Her second thing, and I kind of already previously mentioned it, is her family. She is so bound to her family and her families needs that its kinda overwhelming sometimes. She has two younger siblings (11 yo sister and 18 yo brother), and her sister constantly yearns for her and wont even go to sleep at night sometimes till she comes home. Ill be at her house talking to her and her sister will just annoyingly come and sit at the couch or table next to us not leave her sisters side. Her brother also swears that when gets her own place soon, he's moving in with her and also wont leave her side. Also, her parents want her home by a certain time, and at 25 i kind of find it strange, esp when they know shes only going to be with me and they really like me. When we first started going out, it was 11 pm. Now theyve loosened up a bit and she can stay out till 12 or 1 am if her parents give her permission. Occasionally ill get to hang out with her till like 3 am or so, but with her acting like a nervous, upset wreck saying dammit i gotta get home i gotta get home. Her parents also constantly load her with a ton of responsibilites around the house, and primarily being to take her grandparents and siblings wherever they need to go. On her days off, she basically takes her family members to run all their errands and then if any time is left over, i get asked if i want to hang out, and then she usually says soon into our outing that shes tired because she was running around all day taking XYZ to wherever and our night gets cut short. If i wanna make plans with her for a whole day or something, i usually have to let her know in advance and I would love more spontaneity and her being freely available to drop what shes doing and be with me instead. Ive never spoken like this sounding all crazy and possessive but this is alot of frustation and desperate yearning for adequate attention.

 

I basically get the cut end of the deal, i get the leftovers. She works 12 hour shifts, so usually on her work days shes blasted tired by the time she gets home so those days are always out the question. Somehow ironically our schedules work opposite of one anothers and my days off and her days on and vice verse. But even on my days that i work and i get out at 10 pm, ill still be able to hang afterwards for a while, even if im working the next day. On her days off, she plans a million things and occasionally seems to squeeze in some time for me here and there, and usually by that time like i said, shes already winding down and out of it. So i hardly ever get 100% of her. I get jealous of her family at times, and although i know i shouldnt, naturally i just want more of my girl and i dont feel as though i get enough of her. I feel as though she can make a better effort towards making me feel at least wanted and important and showing that she enjoys my company instead of making me question it.

 

Whenever i try to talk about it with her, and i tell her very nicely that "although i respect your family and respect and understand your needs for sleep, I also feel like sometimes im not getting enough of you, and not that i wanna take you away from your family or anything, but i just love being around you and with you that i only want more of you and i cant get enough of you and I would like it if you could just sometimes show a lil more enthuasiastism towards seeing me." Just make me feel important.

 

Her answer...well listen, you know my need for sleep and my lack of energy, and my family is very important to me. Me and you are not living together or married, so I cant give you as much of me as I would like. I say to her well if you lived with me, then you would HAVE TO come home to me every night, and just being next to me because you HAVE TO doesnt show anything and it wouldnt mean the same and thereforeeee it wouldnt seem as sufficient. She made it seem like she wanted the easy way out instead putting in the effort at this time. Its when you do the things that require some sort of effort, some sort of giving up or sacrifice, some sort of extra incentive, pushing yourself beyond your normal limits that show you trully care and are impressive. Being yourself normally is important, but every now and then, its nice to get treated and shown that your partner really cares by going the extra mile or doing something they ordinarily wouldnt. That the simple things you have to do now to please your partner, only get harder once you live together or are married, because you are ALREADY together all the time, now you have to figure out ways to spend that time together uniquely and differently than before.

I cant seem to figure it out, esp when all she keeps telling me is how much she loves me, but does very little to show it. I sometimes just get so disappointed by all this that i contemplate leaving the relationship, even though i love the girl. I debate our compatibility a whole lot, and question whether im trully happy, but then i cant seem to see myself leaving the relationship either. Isnt the girl usually complaining about this and not the guy? Help?

[PeanutButter]

She is ALWAYS the one to end the phonecall, end the night, end the outing, whatever may it be.

 

Its like shes trying to get rid of you eh??

I debate our compatibility a whole lot, and question whether im trully happy, but then i cant seem to see myself leaving the relationship either. Isnt the girl usually complaining about this and not the guy? Help?

 

Guys can do it too!!! Just really think. Is this the type of relationship you want to be in. Do you want to keep getting stepped on and put last always always?? 25 and still following cerfew rules? Hmm her parents are a bit strange. Probably because they still have two younger kids who are so attached and one who can't sleep without her being home. Sure the 11 year old in some way may be hers? I don't know its kind of odd for an 11 year old to be very attacthed to a sister. This relationship seems as its going unhealthy. You need to have a serious talk with her. She seems to just want to push you away from her life slowly or something. Maybe you should reconsider staying with her. Shes putting blame on things that may not even be a factor anymore. She needs to put you a little up there with her family, she lives with them. I really don't see this going anywhere if things don't change soon!!!

 

Good luck!

[Entropy Smith]

Are her parents first generation immigrants? I live in NYC and alot of cultures from all over the hemisphere have close, interdependent families. This isn't so unusual.

 

She told you what the deal is. She needs sleep and her family.

 

You need a woman thats alive.

 

The choice is obvious so don't drag it out with alot of overanalyzation. Move on.

[mintblossom]

Are her parents first generation immigrants? I live in NYC and alot of cultures from all over the hemisphere have close, interdependent families. This isn't so unusual.

 

She told you what the deal is. She needs sleep and her family.

 

You need a woman thats alive.

 

The choice is obvious so don't drag it out with alot of overanalyzation. Move on.

 

 

I thought this was a good post.

[Tears May Fall]

Good reply entropy...yes 1st generation immigrants, hispanic (colombian)....I know NYC is the melting pot of the world...I come from a close family too, but not quite the same as hers. Family is important to me, but to an extent. My parents always believed in, dont worry, we'll take care of ourselves, our life is passing, but yours is just developing, enjoy your life while you're young and dont worry so much about us.

 

Nonetheless, people dont change, and you'll eventually be proven a moron trying to change someone. So yes, its either I figure out what I can and cant deal with, what I need in a relationship for satisfaction, and draw the line. Im either satisfied, or I move on. Thank you.

[Beginningandend]

Good reply entropy...yes 1st generation immigrants, hispanic (colombian)....I know NYC is the melting pot of the world...I come from a close family too, but not quite the same as hers. Family is important to me, but to an extent. My parents always believed in, dont worry, we'll take care of ourselves, our life is passing, but yours is just developing, enjoy your life while you're young and dont worry so much about us.

 

Nonetheless, people dont change, and you'll eventually be proven a moron trying to change someone. So yes, its either I figure out what I can and cant deal with, what I need in a relationship for satisfaction, and draw the line. Im either satisfied, or I move on. Thank you.

 

I have to disagree with that. People CAN change, but they have to want to. Someone else telling them is not going to work.

[PeanutButter]

HEy no im colombian. My grams is first generation and all that. She had thirteen kids or what not. They all went off to college and went off on their own in their twentys!! HA THERE IS NO WAY THAT FAMILIES ARE CRAZY LIKE THIS in Colombia. I been there and I know. There is just some emotional attatchment there with this family.

 

Well anyways, Raja, good luck with your situation. I hope you realize the truth here. Better sooner than later.