Cheating in a great relationship...help?

[dita]

hi

I came on here to get some feedback on a situation I'm in at the moment.

I've been in a relationship for about 7 years, my first boyfriend, I was 18.

We've sure had our ups and downs but I truly love him, in fact at the moment we've been super cool, the best ever really.

About 3 years ago I met someone online, just for fun, in no way meaning to be sexual at all. We talked all the time and we had a lot in common, same sense of humor and such and this led to us meeting probably 2 months after we had first talked. We continued to see each other and just hung out and had a good time, it was strangely platonic and seeing as how I had a boyfriend and he had a girlfriend it seemed ok for us to just enjoy having a good time with eachother if we wanted to outside of our relationships.

My boyfriend knew about him and his girlfriend about me, however, getting to the point, last night we slept together. Now, I've read a lot of entries that say cheating occurs mostly when there is a problem in the relationship, but in my case there isn't one. Deep down I knew this was bound to happen, I mean we're super cool friends and I suppose quite attracted to eachother, and I know I shouldn't have gone there believe me I do, but what should I do now? Write it off and tell him it was cool but it cant happen again, I mean not only do I feel terrible for betraying my boyfriend but also his girlfriend.

I never meant to hurt anyone, and I know it's gong to kill my conscience, but like I said, deep down I knew it was going to happen someday, i mean its instinctual when you are so close to someone.....I suppose I'm just a little shaken and could use some advice...Please no bashing, I'm quite a moral person but like a lot of people have been saying, shit happens.

 

thanks for letting me vent

D

[Eket]

Sorry, to say but i really don't like cheating much. (Who does? )

If you cheated however, i really wonder this headline a lot "Great Relationship"

 

If it's really great, i dont think one would cheat in it... What you should do though is, tell your man. He doesn't deserve the not knowing about this. He should really know about it, tell him you are sorry that it happened. And then it's his choice what he wants to do. DOes he want to find the glitch in the relationship that led to this? OR can he just not accept it and leave you? It's all possible. I'd prepare for the worst for sure...

[Happy_Go_Lucky_Heb]

Hey. First up, I'd like to welcome you to enotalone on behalf of everyone too. I'm sure u've taken a nice step towards finding support and advice from many people of various ages from around the world which will be around for a while.

 

Hmm yea, what's happened as happened, no need to go through that or opinons again. I think you should choose, who do you want? someone who I'm assuming you can see being with in the future, or someone who can give you lots of fun one-night stands?

 

I personally don't think and you seem to agree with me that it wasn't a good idea but I do understand...sometimes the temptation is just too great, especially when those hormones start running on overdrive

Perhaps you were prepared already, and that's how it happened? (you mentioned that you knew it was bound to happen)

 

If you're gonna choose your current boyfriend I'd say, pour your heart out in a heart-to-heart conversation with him, if he's like me, it'll be months before he'll learn to trust you again. I give my trust easily but you loose it just as easily... Make him feel loved and that you really feel that he is the one for you, tell him what you've done (actions taken) etc, comfort him...

 

Hope that helped

 

Happy Heb

[Mar]

Well, in your shoes I'd have to ask myself first off: why did I go and meet up with this guy if I was pretty certain beforehand I was going to sleep with him? You said your relationship is great, no problems....are you SURE about that?

 

Generally, if everything's coming up roses in a relationship, there's no desire to cheat on your partner. The problem might not be an obvious thing like fighting, it may just be that you're slightly bored and were subconsciously looking for something new, regardless of your love for your boyfriend. Also, if you did it once, would you be tempted to do it again? These are just basic questions I'm asking, it's not a judgement on your character, since everyone makes mistakes. Granted, this was a pretty big one, but still....it happens, and now it's the fixing it part that's hard.

 

As far as what to do now....I'd suggest you tell your boyfriend what happened. Yes, he'll feel angry, and hurt, and betrayed, and may break up with you....but he deserves to know. Two wrongs don't make a right, and hiding it will only make you feel worse, not to mention, as was previously noted, he may find out from someone else, which would make it that much more hairy when the confrontation comes.

 

Be honest with him...no one can say what his ultimate reaction will be, but he deserves to know, and you need to tell him so this doesn't weigh you down. Good luck, I sincerely hope things work out for you.

[Sensitive]

I think cheating in a well built and long term (3 years onwards) relationship is done so the person cheating can feel that they have the ability to be attractive in that way to another person and to feel taht excitment of sleeping with someone knew...difficult situation.

 

Try not to do it again...just imagine if your bf did that to you...how would you feel.

 

anyway you seem to be blessed to have such an amazing relationship after 7 years....kepp it going

 

 

Luck

[netman]

Please don't take this like I'm bashing anyone, but this is more proof that men and women CANNOT have platonic relationships with a person of the opposite sex when in a relationship, or at least it's very hard.

 

Dita, I think that this probably started with emotional infidelity on your part. Even though in the beginning of the relationship with your friend, you guys had no intention of doing anything physical or sexual, you may have given this "friend" attention that you should have been giving your boyfriend and him with his girfriend.

 

I think you saw the signs of the possibility of something happening between you and him, but what happened happened. Since you love your boyfriend and you guys have such a great relationship, I think that you should definitely tell him the truth, and if it's meant to be he'll stick by your side. But I hope that you take this as a huge lesson in life. Good luck!!

[HotMami4U]

Hi

I'm new here and reading this post I can say that I'm in the same situation as you because I've been in a relationship for the past 6 yrs and for the past couple of months I've been sleeping with my fiances friend and I knew that this was bound to happen one day because we both have feelings for each other and he sees that me and my fiance have had a lot of ups & downs. The funny thing about it is that we have slept with each other a couple of times and it's like we can't get enough of each other, but don't get me wrong I do love my fiance it's just that he's not doing what he suppose 2 be doing for me right now and his friend is doing at the present time. This is how I feel right now

[dita]

I just wanted to say thanks to all those who replied to my post, especially Hotmami for making me realize I'm not alone. I guess the first thing to say is that I feel I have made a mistake in what I originally posted in that I've stated I'm in a great relationship but obviously I'm not if I can go and do something like this. By saying this I'm not taking any shots at my boyfriends behavior but at mine completely, if I can't be honest with him then I'm just fooling myself. I also agree with Netman who said that I should have been giving my boyfriend the attention that I was giving to this other guy and also to have given him the chance to spend time with his girlfriend, that is so true...strangely enough he is also in a long term relationship. As for the comment that after being in such a long term relationship I just need to feel that I can be attractive to other people goes, that is definitly not the case, we just connected on all the levels outside of being intimate and I guess one day it just happened. I never intended to sleep with him when we decided to meet, not at all, we've been friends for over 3 years, but I do regret it. It's also not a case of who would I rather be with because at this rate I don't deserve to be with either. I don't believe I was ever leading him on, however, as netman said, it is true that it's difficult if not down right impossible for males and females to maintain a platonic friendship but in this case I swear to you it was just cool, but maybe that's what kept me coming back. I've taken a lot of things you have said into consideration and believe me it has helped tremendously.

 

thanks again

D