All I do is hurt

[blueangel]

I have a really great mindset about life, I feel. My boyfriend once called me a guru of life. I've always been a deep contemplator, attracted to the messages of hope- light in darkness, and willpower...and good morality between humans.

 

But nonetheless I cannot get the comfort I need or love I need from the people around me. It's something I've always dreamed about, but could never obtain. No one loves me like I need them to. I am left empty everyday, unsupported, unknown, and still so much alone. Yet I have great dreams for the life I want to live.

 

I'm in pain right now and there's no one who I can truly go to comfortably. What do I do?

[Catatonic]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time right now, but know that you're not alone in how you feel. Even though you're feeling alone now, you're still young and you WILL meet people who will love you and support you.

[Ghost Theory]

What's above makes a lot of sense.

 

The same traits that make you a contemplative and sensitive leave you vulnerable to overanalysis and restlessness. Two sides to the same coin, don't be afraid to feel both. Emptiness can be potential as well. It's an awful truth that pain is part of the process sometimes.

 

There's that story about a person finding a butterfly struggling to break free of its coccoon. He feels bad and helps cut the butterfly out. The butterfly then tries to fly off but is too weak and falls away. The struggle through the coccoon was meant to build its wings enough to take off. It's great to have encouragement and support, but sometimes the feelings you work through are what make it possible to reach for those dreams you've got.

 

Remember you're strong, and positive things are coming.

[blueangel]

I guess it's my silence with people that hurts me the most. Not that I stand there and refuse to talk, but that it comes less natural to me to open up verbally. Even to have fun or laugh outloud, I am used to repressing it inside.

 

And I hate living my life this way. I do just enough for people to share fun moments with me, and comment enough to seem friendly...but it's so hard to say anything. With all that I've been through, it's like I've burrowed deep in my mind. I observe, dream, and plan and that's the majority of what I do... living a bit in the future, putting the pieces together obsessively...but do I act? Not often. I do what I am able, but am often slow and distracted.

 

I guess my focus right now is becoming a vegetarian (for those who roll their eyes at vegetarianism, order a vegetarian starter kit- it's a free magazine you can get online, and it's the tip of the iceberg for the truth you learn), toning my body, (and I'm finally satisfied with my makeup routine and hair which is a big thing for me, being a girl and all hehe Max Factor mascara...I love you, shag hairstyle long version- I love you too), and as the summer goes by, entertaining my friend, Kira, who is staying here for some time, writing out my college application essay and stuff for scholarships (which I've been really slow at)... and studying for driving test which I never do, and... I just suck at balancing my time!

 

And I think that, if anything, is the major cause of my unfulfillment. That and I have no true friend with whom I may speak my thoughts outloud comfortably. My boyfriend lives far away.

 

Ah, but here are my goals/dreams: Get second job, get recommendations and go to Slippery Rock University, get English teaching job for high school students in Maryland after four years, have my boyfriend live with me down there, live next to my friend, Kylie, as we support spiritual and vegetarian lifestyles together (yeah Neale Donald Walsh!)...and ah the list goes on.

 

Will you all pray for me? I'm really trying to create a bright path out of a dark past and gray present.

 

And someone out there...say you support me! -sniff-

 

Yeah, I need help lol