Deeply hurt, wounded forever

[audieb]

Okay,

Heres the story. I have alot of sexual trauma in my past, plus I was raised in a very strict pentecostal religious home. When I moved out at 17 I was out to do what I wanted.(Seeing how I never even got to play outdoors.) After some financial struggles I ended up dancing in a topless club. You can only imagine what kind of old demons that brought up. That is when I met my husband. Over the course of our three year realationship it was always my desire to quit dancing, so much so that after a while I got severe depression. All the while I keep telling my, then somewhat lazy, husband I have to quit I can't take it anymore. He never said I had to but if I quit he would have to do something to help. A lot of our money at that time went to his hobby, racing cars. I am talking well over 10,000.! After he proposed we were planning the wedding and I decided that I could not wait so we moved the date up. I knew that this action would warrant me working ALL THE TIME. About that time he quit his job and decided to open his own company. Which is fine, but it did not bring in any income, it actually took some away. True I made the decsion to move the date but only because I did not anticipate him not having a job. I worked sometimes weeks in a row to pay bills and pay for an entire wedding alone. He actually gave me trouble about things he thought I wasn't doing right. Anyhow the business is doing well know although money is still very unreliable. I finally got to my breaking point after starting this new job as a loan officer and I am not able to go to work as a dancer anymore. I am not making a lot of income and I have no idea how I will in the NEAR future. We are buying a new home, I have a new carrer, we are still newlyweds,and we do not have a lot of money. Lately I have noticed that he has been downloading a lot of porn and I normanly and historicaly have not minded (we have watched together). I expressed my concern and he blows it off. He has been comparing me, and how I work, or how smart I am to my best friend. (we are competitive) He has also been tearing me down emotionally with the arguing, cynical comments, telling me, and acting like I am stupid and the list goes on. I am so insecure with my self and seeing that he downloaded 6 or 7 videos just while I was folding a load of laundry. Last week I was so out of it and deppressed that I do not even remember a lot of the week. In this last week I found out after the fact that every time he approached me for sex it was after he watched porn. What am I doing wrong? I am still attractive I think. Please help! I feel so worthless!

[jessr06]

Please, i have a really similar situation to you, if you would please listen to me and not anyone, youll get through this, well i did!

 

The porno is no problem, its a fantasy that a guy wants like 3 girls or whatever they want they can have on the internet. Listen! DONT show intrest in him, its petty, but its gonna work. Dont show intrest in him, dont have sex with him, dont talk to him as much, BE ON THE PHONE A LOT LAUGHING never crying.

 

I dont like to admite this to you, but it happens in every relationship, NOT JUST YOURS!.... he might be fading away, because he sees you to much. maybe hes getting annoyed, so you cant let this happen see! YOU cant! If you want to still be with him you have to be shady... you are not worthless and he has to know that, just go on and do what you gatta do, but dont talk to him about anything, it may go on acouple days or maybe even a week or so. Hell realize it and hell say Oh ur not feeling the same anymore do u still love me blah blah blah... you know what you do say yes i still love you... but thats it and say I gatta get back to work

 

than you know what you do? u dont even have to LOOOK AT porno, just go to sites when hes not home with,.... BIG MUSCULAR GUYS THat are soooooo HOT!!!! Maybe even a Gay Guy Site! than leave them in your favorites, or keep them Minimized on the screen over top another site thast not porno, hell be sooo jealous that those HOT GUYS are on there... and when your nto having sex with him hell be like wow hmmm... and than tell me what happens after okay? i cant go any further... if i was at any help... good luck... ur NOT worthless!

[mermayd]

Im sorry jeesro6, but I disagree. I don't think anything that was said above will solve any problems or help anything. First, audieb, I want to congratulate you for moving on frfom the dance scene. I think that is awesome of you to step off the platform and find another career. I thik it is awful that your husband was using your hard-earned money to support his hobby. If he wnats to do his hobby, he should work hard himself and reward himself with that. That was your money and he blew it. I also hate to hear that he didn't helpin arranging your marraige and paying the bills. This isn't a one-way street here! And how dare he make you feel so worthless and insecure?! I am sure you are beautiful adn he is too lazy to recognize it. NONE of this is your fault. You did nothing wrong! You actually did everything right. has velvet slippers because of you. Why doesn't he appreciate this????? Whatever made you fall in love with him, is that still there? Is there still a spark between you two? Was he this emotionally abusive before you married? If not, then you have been decieved. I would talk to him and tell him that you are tired of him putting you down and you want the man you fell in love with to come back. You are newlyweds, you shouldnt have to be dealing with this problem so soon or at all! I would seek marraige counseling and if you are still within the first 6 months, maybe he isn't the right man for you?? I know it is not my place to say this but I don't think he will change if he is acting this way so soon into the marraige. Go out shopping or out with friends while he stays home. Don't let him walk all over you. Show him that you are an independent woman and that you deserve respect. I hope this helps.

[amelie]

AudieB,

 

I think BOTH of these people make valid points.

 

Yes, you *can probably* manipulate your husband into acting nicer towards you - at least, for a while - by following Jeesr06's advice. It might not work, too - that's a chance you take either way.

 

When someone is getting more distant, I have learned -- it is either a legitimate fear or gripe of some kind that they are afraid to express, OR it is a ploy to gain power and control. If you distance yourself in return, you will find out which one it is. If you distance yourself, and the other person responds with concern ("What's the matter? Do you still love me? Maybe we should talk about our issues.") then you know it is the first one. If they respond with abuse, then you know it is the second one, and you should start asking yourself if that is really the type of person you want to be with.

 

It sounds to me like you are really angry at your husband for not pulling his weight financially in the relationship, and for being mean to you and putting you down. I think you have every right to feel that way, but you have to ask yourself how you got into this situation, I think. I was never a topless dancer, but I've been in destructive relationships before. And although I was angry and in pain, I stayed in them much longer than I should have. If you are feeling angry and sad, and like you deserve better - maybe you do.

 

Mermayd43 asked why he doesn't appreciate everything you do for him...and that's a good question. Maybe because he doesn't respect you, and you don't respect yourself. Show some self-respect and do something about how this guy treats you. If it is too late to make him clean up his act, then you should move out, or kick him out. I know that would be very difficult to do, but it may be the only way to stay sane. You can't let someone push you around, or they will just keep on doing it.

 

Stay strong.

[caliboy]

Mermayd43 asked why he doesn't appreciate everything you do for him...and that's a good question. Maybe because he doesn't respect you, and you don't respect yourself.

 

I just wanted to say something about this. I think the fact that you dance at a strip club shows that you don't respect yourself which will only lead him to not respect you either. There're plenty of other ways to make money. If you do something that shows you're more then just a pair of tits, he'll (and probably a lot of other people) will respect you more and treat you better.

 

Oh and don't play the "get your male porn to make him jealous" game, cause games are annoying and will just lead to more problems. Just be blunt with him. Tell him what your problems are with him and the relationship. If he truly cares about you and the relationship, he'll listen and make an effort to fix things. But the fact that he makes you pay for everything is pathetic. If anything, he should be making money to support you - maybe so you can get a more respectful job. I don't know how much his heart is into it.

[bhaktini]

I've had a few relationships similar to this. I hate to say this, but it sounds like your husband is using you and takes you for granted. From my own experience, I've observed that this situation never gets better, only worse. I think sometimes it's better to remove a gangrenous limb. He is belittling you, not treating you like a queen - and you deserve to be treated that way. It sounds like you are the breadwinner as well. Maybe you could think about: what are you getting out of the relationship? Are you getting your needs met?

 

I'm not sure of all the details of your upbringing but perhaps you haven't expected more out relationships because your relationship with your nuclear family was detrimental to you. I definitely feel for you, because I have gone through very similar situations and had a family who was detrimental to me. I had a fiance who splurged on all my credit cards, driving them up to an amount that was half of what I grossed in a year, promising to repay me (he never has). He also made various comments about my appearance and was a constant complainer and whiner. I was in love and loved him at the time, but he was pretty abusive with me and I am so glad he is now out of my life. My self-esteem was pretty low in his presense but it had nothing to do with my real attractiveness or value. I am still working on it, but I need to stop looking to others to mirror myself back to me. I am inherently attractive and valuable, just by being myself and being a good person. I believe you are too, and whatever your husband says or doesn't say, has no affect on your own worth.

 

I'm not really someone who believes in "fairy tale endings," but after I dated the financially abusive ex-, I ended up dating a really wonderful guy, who is supportive of my entire self, is never derisive, and never mooches off me. We have our problems, it's not perfect, but what I am trying to say is I think you would be better off leaving your husband and eventually, finding a sweet, respectful man as a mate. There are so many of them out there - they just are usually too shy to ask women out on a date. I don't think your husband is going to change (you can ask and try but usually actions speak louder than words). You are beautiful, whether he sees it or not. If he doesn't see it (it sounds like he is just acting that way in order to control you better), it's his loss. He really will be losing something incredible when he loses you.