What If Your Wish Came True And You Want To Give It Back?

[Bonzophuebes1]

I have talked about this before, briefly.

All my life all I ever wanted was to find a woman that would love me unconditionally and know in my heart that she will never intentionally hurt me. Through years of searching the highs and lows of love and what it can and cannot offer did I give up only to be floored by it soon after. You see, when I broke up with my ex some 9 years ago, I said i will no longer look for love. I was sent to Italy 1 year after I broke it off with my ex, or rather the cops came and the whole WHITE TRASH COPS SCENE PLAYED OUT BEFORE MY EYES. My goals were not the loftiest of goals for my european tour in the NAvy. to sleep with a girl from every country I could visit in 2 years. That was my goal. I guess it was a rebellion thing against women. Well, within 3 weeks of arriving I met my future wife. Alot of things happened but 6 months later we got together. in 1 year we were engaged and 2 years after we met we were married. It has now been nearly 5 years. We are still together and for the most part quit happily. There is nothing wrong with our relationship, in fact it can be said that we have a perfect marriage. IF IT WERE NOT FOR ME THAT IS. Though my life has not gone the way I would have liked, I have not become the success that I wanted to be financially, I hate my job and career. Not to mention the physical HEALTH PROBLEMS that I have, I have a bad knee and will be going in for my 3 reconstruction next month. These things bring me down to no end. They affect me at home and I find myself wanting to be alone, alone with me where I am most comfortable. I know that those of you who are looking for love and have posted on here that that is all you want will be most unkind to this thread and that is fine, I take no offense from an opinion of others. However, I am just not happy in my life and I do not want that to affect my wife, I find myself wishing that she would leave me so I can sit in my own den of iniquity alone. Sometimes I want to be alone for more selfish reasons, however in the end I am hate my life and the paths that I have chosen that led me to paths I had no choice but to take. Now, I feel stuck in the wreckage of the life I live and I know it will never get better, I mean, why would it now? I guess that is that hard part, knowing that what I am is all I ever will be and accepting that. I just dont want to and no matter what I do I cannot open that door to A BETTER INTERNAL LIFE FOR ME> I am not really asking a question, rather ranting about how I have a beautiful wife that I think would be better off without me but she wont leave and it hurts me to know that she is staying when she can have it better somewhere else. I mean, I just cant leave her for no real reason other than I am not happy can I? I dont even think I could. Am i evil for thinking this? I just prefer to be alone. I prefer solitary confinement. Believe it or not, I am happier alone.

[stranded247]

I know i am probably a lot younger than you but I have found that sometimes when I have wanted something so much and finally got it I am so surprised and shocked because I usually believe that it will be the final thing to make me completely happy. What has usually happened is that it doesn't make me happy at all. I stay miserable. And so I don't think the problem is necessarily that you don't love your wife, or that you are an misanthropist but rather that you were never totally happy and you never really discovered what makes you totally happy but you were disillusioned in the thought that being in a loving relationship would make you very happy. And sadly it hasn't I think maybe that you will still desire a loving relationship but only once you feel happy in yourself. Thats just my guess, tell me if you think that its wrong.

[seaneKY]

But in being alone your self loathing will only get worse. I went through this same thing. Almost to a T! But I realized when I let go of the relationship I had allowed myself to fail at one more thing and I had made yet anothe rbad choice. THEN I HAD TO GET OVER THAT AS WELL! Don't leave her man. You will hate yourself for it.

[Bonzophuebes1]

I dont know if that is wrong, I cannot tell you if that is wrong. I just dont know. I do know that if I had to pick a woman and her qualities that I would want, my wife EXCEEDS in all aspects of what I would pick for myself. I dont know if that is a great compliment or low self esteem that I would pick something lower than what I should have. I mean, maybe if I was happy wth myself and my life I could be happier about my life and my wife but that is not the case, I really do hate my life, I really do wish I was not on this earth. I hate the things that I had to go through, the torture that living everyday brings me. I am not saying what I went through is any worse than anyone else but for me, I would not wish it upon anyone. I am sure the same can be said for 99% of people on this site. I dont think about them though, I think about me, that is what my life is about, me! What will make me happy, what will bring me joy and in all seriousness, I find no joy in life. I just dont find any. And yes, you are much yonger than I. nearly 20 years.

[tiredofvampires]

You've got to listen to seaneKY, he knows what he's talking about. AND me.

 

Think of it this way: every single day you are sent to stay in a cold, empty, barren, hard and dirty room. EVERY SINGLE DAY when you wake up, that's where you go. You go and you are aching in every joint and tired from poor sleep, but you have to eek it out every day in this room for about 18 hours of the day. It is dimly lit, and there is nothing you enjoy in there, in fact there is nothing really to do except endure the hard cold bareness. There is basically as I said nothing in this room, but there is a bed, that is the one thing, grubby tile and brick everywhere else. It is, basically, a cell with nothing. But this bed is both firm and soft, and freshly made every day, and the linen even smells good. It's the one, soft, warm thing in the room. It's the only thing with color, too, pink and yellow blossoms on the covers, a very cushiony soft blanket to go along with a nice buttercup yellow. Everything else around you is just soot-gray. You lie on it all day and think of nothing, just stare at the little light coming in through the window (there isn't even any scenery out there except a brick wall). You have this fine mattress and sometimes you can catch up on your sleep and feel rested, rested to just look at the walls some more. There seems to be no point in any of it.

 

Then one day they take you in there and the bed is gone.

 

They say, you are still going to be here for another, oh 40 years. You will never see that bed again. In it's place, is just more floor and empty concrete. The only sign that it was there are the marks it left when they dragged it away.

 

Make yourself at home.

[Bonzophuebes1]

can I have pruple sheets instead...? Thanks. Thank you so much. YOu know what I mean.

[ycmanvs]

I think you are depressed and as such you cannot make these kinds of decisions. Wait until after your surgery and recovery, then see how you feel and re-examine your life.

[IGotAGoldStar]

1. Get a grip.

 

2. See your doctor about depression BEFORE your surgery. Anisthetics can trigger emotional spirals and they need to be aware of that.

 

3. Talk to your wife about it, don't isolate yourself.

 

4. Adopt a starving orphan, visit a nursing home, and watch some tapes of the special olympics for perspective.

 

You are focusing too much IN and not enough OUT.

 

The world around you suffers, and it won't make your suffering less real or less urgent, but maybe it will put it into persepective and allow you to see that you are not alone.

[Bonzophuebes1]

Thanks GOLDSTAR and YCMANVS this is the problem I have with trying to focus on the external and the worldy suffering that goes on. I dont care! It may sound cold, and distant and I know that but I do not care about the outside world and making it better when I need to make my world better. The saying WALK IN SOMEONE ELSES SHOES LESS FORTUNATE is always thrown at me and I say wait a minute, why cant I walk in someones shoes more fortunate than me, it goes both ways. If I cannot be happy internally and happy with me then how can I even begin to make others happy or help others when I cannot help myself. To me that is hypocritical in a way. Kinda like an drug dealer tell me not to sell drugs. WHAT? This is about me, not about anyone else, me and what I am going through. I do talk to my wife, we talk and she knows what I go through but she does not understand. She tries but she just cannot fathom my feelings, my intense despair about my life. THere is just to much.

[ycmanvs]

I just said you should wait. Take one day at a time. Don't make any judgements or any life altering decision until after the surgery. You can be as self-absorbed as you like until then.

[IGotAGoldStar]

Well, it seems you have very neatly made yourself a self defeating circle.

 

If you don't care, then why do you hurt?

 

If you want to walk in someone betters shoes, then go ahead if you think you have so much control over your life?

 

You want help, but you don't want to be helped, and the attitude you are taking is that no one and nothing can understand or empathize your pain.

 

.................

 

Ummm, no.

 

We all suffer, we all are in pain, and millions of people a day get over thier narcissicm and just face it and try to move on. Millions of others (seemingly like you) wallow in it and let what used to be their poorest characteristic become their defining characteristic. Those people end up eventually hooked on something that makes them feel better or 6 feet under because they refused perspective.

 

YOU have to make the decision to step out of yourself.

YOU have to decide to WANT to get better.

 

Until you reach that point, we are all just beating our heads against the wall trying to help you.

[Bonzophuebes1]

I care about me, not others, I must have miss read your ealier post. I dont want to live in anyones shoes but my own, it is just that people say, look at what you got compared to others and all that, what people (IN GENERAL) need to realize is that we who are having a hard time are having a hard time for us, with us, about us. When things go bad, we internalzie everything. In my original post, I stated that I am not really asking questions rather just stating a feeling and feelings that I have. I really appriciate your incite and I really want to not feel the way I do. I try so hard to be positive, I do, I really do not for me though, for my wife. Sometimes, well most of the time I fail.

 

As far as STEPPING out of me, I dont understand that. If that can be explained. I mean, how can I step outside of being me? I am who I am. In reality, that is the problem.

 

I am not one of those who dont know the answers, I know the answers, I do. I am jsut not happy with them and that is what is dis-heartening. I just wanted to be more than I am and I am not and I dont see why my wife loves me so much when I find nothing in me to love. It hurts. I hurt for me, not others. Call in selfish, I dont know. Then I think we are all selfish to some degree. I feel like I am rambling now.

[IGotAGoldStar]

To step out of yourself... to step out of whatever self defeating pattern that you are in that has convinced you that you are unlovable.

 

Sucks when you get to that point in your life when you look back at your teenage self that had so many ambitions and realize that you just didn't turn out to be that person. I know how it feels.

 

But in your naive ambitions, did you have a woman as amazing as your wife?

 

When we are young we cannot fathom all the possibilities of life so we set for ourselves goals that if we had the experience we have now, that we would not have picked for ourselves. Then we allow ourselves to greive for what we don't have when we probably wouldn't have wanted it anyway now.

 

I hurt for you. I wish it wasn't so hard to just decide to feel better, and it isn't that easy, but in the end it falls on your shoulders to shake off the defeatist attitude and move forward.

[tiredofvampires]

Oh of course, purple sheets it is. Uch, how could I have forgotten!

 

-- your Fairy Godmother

[Bonzophuebes1]

What if what you always wanted to do is still what you think you want but have no way of obtaining it? What if you dont know what you want? What if you never had guidence on anything pertaining to becoming something until it was to late? What if now, you are just to tired to try anymore. The world is full of what ifs, I know but what if those what ifs are what is?

[IGotAGoldStar]

What if what you always wanted to do is still what you think you want but have no way of obtaining it?

Then you make a plan and you work towards it. They have career counseling for adults too. And there are psychologists that also do Life Counseling.

 

What if you dont know what you want?

Counseling helps. Other people can see things about us that we can't. And those Life Counselors and Career counselors have testing that was written by psychologists that measures your aptitude and interest in a number of areas.

 

What if you never had guidence on anything pertaining to becoming something until it was to late?

It is never too late until you are dead. I hear every week of some 60-80 year old getting their degree or remarried or whatnot. You are no where near that and you have ALOT of living to do. It is NEVER too late to start over.

 

What if now, you are just to tired to try anymore.

Then take a rest, take a vacation, pick yourself and your wife up and move somewhere where no one knows you and get refreshed and then start over. You can do it.

 

The world is full of what ifs, I know but what if those what ifs are what is?

What is is temporary, what was is past, and what will be is up to you.

[tiredofvampires]

By the way, here is another thing to ponder: you say that the one thing you wished for most of all in this world came to pass and you got even more than you'd ever asked for in that department, and now you wonder if maybe you want to give it back. Don't you think it is highly likely ANY wish could turn out this way? What if you wished your wife somehow gone, and THAT happened. Then you would wish to undo that wish, too.

 

And I dare say, for a lot of wishes we have, that can become the case. Either we wish for something to take it away, or we wish we hadn't wished for it, or we wish for something else to make it EVEN better. It is a kind of human nature thing to be constantly unsatisfied and craving. A guy who has 3 cars and a mansion and a wife and the whole bit still feels deprived if he doesn't get yet something else he wants. All he sees is MORE. Not saying this is the case with you in this thread, I'm just expounding about the nature of wishing at this point. And I'm sure you know all this, too.

 

Every single bf I had, I wished that he would have some quality that the last one didn't have. Years ago, I wished for a guy who had been celibate for a while so he would be very sexually patient with me. Well, turns out I got a guy who had been celibate for almost a decade, but he had hated it was insecure and jealous because of his relative inexperience and feelings of undesirability. He could get very mean. So when I left him, I wished that I would find a guy who was very strong in himself and his self-concept, who was patient and unpushy, but who didn't have this inferiority complex to make him insecure and jealous. Next guy comes along and says, "jealous men are WEAK!" on our first date as I described the last guy to him. We were together for quite a while, during which time I was very grateful not to be possessed by this person who had their own self-definition and self-respect...but then again, he was so self-sufficient, he was not concerned about us as a future thing. He was serious about me, but even more serious about himself and his career goals. He was not a romantic, thinking of the day the wedding bells would chime. He called himself "pragmatic" and "practical", that he didn't have a way to support us both yet so he could not talk about even moving in, let alone marriage, until his practical goals had been met. He was on his own track. So that relationship ended...and I said to myself, I NEED A ROMANTIC. I don't mean someone who is romantic, I mean A Romantic. With a capital R, someone who lives to love and dream of "the one", and who has been searching all their life like me. Who will say I am their personal Ex Caliber. And who will want to overcome major PRACTICAL obstacles for me, if need be, so we can be together always. I want a prince this time. Well guess what.

 

Next guy. "I want to be your prince, your knight, I want to sing you songs until you go to sleep at night." And our relationship faced enormous practical obstacles. He told me he would make it happen, for this love.

 

Need I say more. I am here on ENA trying to glue the pieces of that back together and can't seem to get past being completely broken, as he was the worst thing that ever happened to me even though he was the love of my life, I felt. He never loved me, he loved love. He loved the idealism of being A Romantic and I brought that out in him more than any other woman had done, but the woman I actually was, he mauled to pieces. So much for THAT wish. It was probably the most dangerous wish I asked for, someone with dreams in their head to make it all alright for me at last.

 

So now I don't want an anything, I am afraid to ask for anything. Whatever I get, I will be shown the Dark Side of it.

 

But this is not about me, it's about you, I know. I am just giving you a few musings about the nature of wishing and happiness. There is no real conclusion here, just food for pondering.

[Bonzophuebes1]

yes it is true, I may wish for her back if she was taken. What you say about wishing that your BFs had one other thing etc etc. The only thing I want my wife to have that she doesnt currently have is an ATHLETIC bone in her body. She is not into the GYM or working out. Ohh she has those videos but c'mon ladies you are into for about week and then nothing.

I thank you for your input as always my little hula dancer and I will take it to heart. reality will set in though and I will jsut wallow in my own self worthlessness.

[IGotAGoldStar]

random rotting vegetables at you*

 

Snap out of it!

 

So get athletic with her. Buy her a gym membership and start it off by buying her a massage there once a month. Women will do much for a massage.

 

You just need to shake things up.... So shake em!

[tiredofvampires]

yes it is true, I may wish for her back if she was taken. What you say about wishing that your BFs had one other thing etc etc. The only thing I want my wife to have that she doesnt currently have is an ATHLETIC bone in her body. She is not into the GYM or working out. Ohh she has those videos but c'mon ladies you are into for about week and then nothing.

I thank you for your input as always my little hula dancer and I will take it to heart. reality will set in though and I will jsut wallow in my own self worthlessness.

 

Aw, c'mon, buck up -- think about the alternative. We could arrange for you to be with me instead and all we'd do alllllll day long is watch Michael Moore movies. We'll have you lovin' the life you had and being happy to have it back in no time. I give it 16 days, whaddaya say.

[Bonzophuebes1]

AHAHAHAAHAHHAAHAHh.... YEAH MICHEAL MOORE THE ORIGINAL FAT BASTARD... HAHAH