Really Need Some Guidance...

[allshookup]

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason... like me finding this website today! I hope that I can get some good insight to my dilemma.

 

I was dating a great guy. He was starting college and I was in my mid 20's and working by the time we had been together for almost 3 years.

He was so sweet to me and we never argued. We had a great physical and emotional connection.

 

But was that good enough for me.... NO! I was screwed up in the head. I felt a lot of pressure to "settle down" and get married. I spent all my time projecting into the future and trying to "hurry fate". I had found someone else and broke up with Mr. Nice Guy. Me and Mr. Someone Else dated for one month, got engaged and in a year and a half's time, got married. We had a lot of emotional struggle throughout the planning process and I had what I would now consider many "red flags" from Mr. Someone Else. But, I felt it was the right thing to do to go along with it anyway. I thought that once we were married it would all change. I thought it was the answer to everything. I was a real woman now, I was validated because I was married. I wore that ring with pride and felt that it made me whole.

 

Then, real life happened. He couldn't (or wouldn't) keep a job, he had manic episodes that made him pick fights with me in order to take off..sometimes for days. He was addicted to porn, spending hundreds of dollars a month on PPV movies and websites. Our intimacy suffered and dwindled down to nothing because I caught him in lies about the porn.

 

Fast forward... it is 8 years later... we have been married for 6. We spent our wedding anniversary this year arguing... It has probably been a year since we were intimate and who knows how long the time before that. I feel betrayed and hurt and angry. For a while I felt responsible, now I know that it is his problem, not mine. I am trying to give some background to get my point accross, however there is SO much more to the story. I always had it in the back of my mind that things would get better and that I had to tough it out. Throughout our marriage I never stopped thinking about "Mr. Nice Guy". I always wanted him to know how sorry I was for hurting him and how I had made an awful mistake.

 

3 days ago, I asked my husband to leave after he (once again) picked a fight with me (on purpose) and took off for the whole night and never called to let me know where he was. He showed up at his job for work the next day and he called me. He came to our house to talk and I told him he had to leave. I was tired of this life and felt that things would never change and that I was worth more than that. He agreed and we are separated.

 

I also, was able to recently find Mr. Nice Guy's email address (that was something!) and I sent him an anonymous email (having some fun)... he wrote back, intrigued and I finally let him off the hook and let him know it was me. He was so surprised! Initially I thought it was going to be a "closure" letter, to tell him that I hoped that he had forgiven me for hurting him. We have been instant messaging each other every day for a week now... exchanging pictures and talking about old times (and new times). He is in a relationship and is aware of my current status. We have never talked about reconciling, but he did tell me that he had been looking for me online too and that he never stopped thinking about me. He also said that he knew sooner or later we would find each other again. I want to think it means what I want it to mean, but I dont want to read too much into it, and I certainly do not want to put any pressure on him or myself.

 

My husband has no idea (especially since he is now living outside the house). I know that might not be the most honest thing to do, but right now it feels right. I have spent so many years caring for him and putting him first that now I have something that is just my own.

 

I think that I got married for the sake of getting married, not because it was with the right guy.

 

OK... Im fragile so go easy on me with your comments

[LovelyLady]

Welcome to the board!

 

I also honestly believe that everything happens for a reason. Looking beyond your current situation, your story has given me hope. And you should feel hopeful as well!! You found your Mr. Nice Guy after all these years and he has fond memories of the two of you together. he has been thinking about you after all these years - that has to count for something! My only question is this: How long and how serious is his current relationship? I think that you guys should be friends and see where life will take you... Fate has brought you to this point, and I am curious to see how far it will take you!

 

And btw, I feel you dont need to tell your soon-to-be-ex husband about talking to Mr. Nice Guy. You have a right to talk to whomever you wish. I think you have a bit of a journey ahead of you. But I am hopeful for you... as you should be too! Just keep your head up and always follow your heart.

[allshookup]

Hi Lovely Lady - thanks for writing

 

Well, Mr. Nice Guy has a girlfriend and they have two children together. That bugs me a lot! Im not sure how long they have been together... at least 3 years probably.

 

He lives in another state so there isnt too much contact except for instant messaging and stuff. He emailed me a current picture of himself and a flood of emotion came over me when I saw his face again.

 

(sigh)

[LovelyLady]

oh wow... those facts put a damper on things. He is so far away, in a serious relationship, and has children... this may not lead to the happy ending I had hoped you'd to have.

 

My advice would be to stay friends with him (continue convos over AIM and email). Maybe even give him a call. I say this all with a bit caution because your emotions might become overwhelming if you start to fall for him again.... Another I idea is to visit him in the future. Of course, only when things settle with your soon-to-be ex...

 

I will say this though - I am happy to hear that you have realized you deserve someone so much better than your husband. Remain hopeful... things will turn around for you.

[allshookup]

A damper on things is an understatement!

 

Even just instant messaging and emailing I have already started to feel like I am falling for him again. I don't know if my husband and I will ever try again... he needs to get some professional help. I am fearful that I will not be able (nor will want to) try to rebuild a love relationship with my husband. It took so much courage and strength to ask him to leave... I am actually starting to enjoy my independence!

 

As for Mr. Nice Guy, too late... I already am in love.

[autumn]

Dear allshookup,

 

You came to a good place. I too, found this site at a crucial time and was overjoyed about it.

 

First off, you are in a moment in your life that requires a lot of wisdom, support and endurance. The worst of the storm has probably passed over, but the waves have not yet settled down, and there are going to be a lot of things to fix and pieces to pick up. It is not possible to rush in and make a clear decision, when the sun is not yet shining through the clouds.

 

Wouldn't it be great if at times like this God would just come down and tell us what to do? Boy, our lives can sure get complicated. And we can complicate things more...

 

You have my sympathy. You've lived in a loveless relationship for a long time, and you are kicking yourself for giving up on a relationship that you remember as positive. I feel a little uneasy about you comparing your relationship to what you could have had, - you are only going to be harder on yourself and feel more pain if you think that your mistake was the choice you made between the two men. You have no guarantee that Nice Guy would have been the relationship for you. SUre, in the back of your mind, you wondered all these years about what could have been - you were not in a fulfilling relationship...but, the danger lies in throwing your trust the other way out of desperation. Be careful.

 

Clearly, there were issues in your married life. I'm sure your husband is not going around saying you were perfect (sorry). I know you don't say that either, but (this won't sound good) he's probably inclined to say that porn is not so bad, and that he did it because you didn't fulfil him. No blame here,...some people just don't have the chemistry.

 

Right now, your life is probably like a mine field. Some people come out of one pit, and fall right into the next one. Be careful of this kind of shallowness.

 

Your happiness IS important. I commend you for gathering the courage to stand up to your husband. Someone had to do it! That is a great first step in taking control of your life and finding happiness. See?-you're doing it! Keep doing it. Don't let anyone walk over you, don't give in to a new (old) relationship without properly assessing your happiness. Keep moving forward, and don't let anything or anyone take that determination away from you.

 

All the best.

[allshookup]

David... you're awesome!

 

Thanks for the great insight. It really hit home when you said

 

Wouldn't it be great if at times like this God would just come down and tell us what to do?

 

I had been asking for a sign with regard to my marriage for some time now and had gotten an answer when he had his most recent manic episode. That was my wakeup call... I then knew it was time to take action.