A better tomorrow

[hazeleyed]

It's funny isnt it? When guys show interest in you and they like you...they call you and say sweet things YET nobody ever wants to sit there and listen to your feelings or thoughts. Everyone just wants to get with you but nobody wants to know you..your thoughts, your feelings...the way you see the world, your interests....seems like these days everyone that I meet just wants to get with me and be intimate or want to talk about sex or bla bla bla!

 

I am so angry right now and I dont even know why. I hate people and I wish I could just frigen fly away and start fresh where no one would know me. WHy is it that everyone just wants to be there when I am happy and playful but when it comes to times like tonight I DONT SEE ANYONE around or maybe I just dont want anyone around....maybe I just need to see that no one will ever be around in the hard times except u and ur immediate family. These are the days where I feel like there is never hope for me to find true happiness and makes me want to return to my ex because atleast EVEN THOUGH he is abusive he atleast showed some fake care....i know if you are reading this you probably think something is wrong with me....i dont know what it is ...i had an amazing day...i went out with my friends , went to class, came home and all of a sudden I just felt angry again.

 

I need to figure out the root cause and attack it because this anger will kill me....I feel so dead inside me and no one can fix that ,...no one but me. I cant find one decent person who actualy wants to get to know me as WHO I AM. Even the guy who I thought was like an angel cuz he brought me home when my ex left me only wants to get with me and NEVER talks to me...never wants to know how was day was or what I am feeling. Everyone is just out for themselves ....so WHY SHOULD i even try getting to know anyone? Its just a waste of time because these people dont want to get to know me, they want a trophy , they want someone to screw around with.

 

Ok so now I am sitting here and thinking I need to organize myself for ME and not anyone else. I have been reading some good articles on determination and inspiration...it all comes from within. No one is born with it but you learn and when you do learn you try to perfect it with each day right...well how do I start? What is a good plan for me? I did start a new msn list but I never go on it because i usualy just stick with myold one. How do I let go of those old people who hurt me and i keep running back to them? How do I just say goodbye....why cant I just accept these people dont care for me? No matter how good I look, no matter what i do they will never acknowledge me as HAZELEYED..i will be his ex or an object that they use to fulfill their desires. I am so disappointed in people and I guess you are only this disappointed when you expect something. What did I expect from them? I expected loyalty? Some truth and honesty but I got nothing like that. Instead I got lies and deception...more lies....nothing but LIES! I cant trust anyone anymore, i just feel like everyone is lying to me and little things make me angry. I rather be alone than in a company sometimes because I feel like I ruin everything and that my moods kill some ppls moods.....why am i like this? Why cant I just be happy? WHy do i make things so difficult? WHY WHY WHY? I dont know the answers ....if only i didnt care so much maybe things would be better.

 

I just want someone to ask me how my day was, treat me like a girl who should be respected and cared about. Whose feelings matter and whose not just a piece of meat. I want someone who values my opinion and who values my dreams. I want someone who understands my feelings and my background. Who values my time and who knows when i need my alone time. Who doesn't just want to screw me and leave...someone who would give up their reputation to save mine. Someone who is my friend before anyone and someone who is honest.

 

I am not going to stand for this crap anymore. I deserve better. I deserve happiness and I deserve to be around people who understand me, who have the same ambitions and goals as me. Who are going to go somewhere in life...a broken doll attracts a broken doll....once i become solid within myself I will learn to stand tall and not break so easily....its time I start the process of self healing because I need to do this for my present, and my future. If I dont I will forever be crushed .....and this is not what I want. I want a bright future just the way I pictured it before I met anyone....the way my parents dremt it when they first held me in their arms.....so from tomorrow I vow to myself that my happiness is what matters to me. Not short term relief but I am now looking for a long term relief for myself.

[Zackinlaw]

Hi Hazeleyed. You are right, unfortunately, that all too many guys you meet will pretend to have an interest in you just to improve their chances of convincing you to have sex with them.

 

The kind of caring connection you are looking for actually takes quite a bit of time. This is true whether it is a friendship or a romantic relationship. I'm wondering if you have gotten into a cycle where you are running from new guy to new guy, hoping for someone who will provide a short cut.

 

Maybe it would be better if you concentrate on finding the ONE guy who is NOT so quick to try to turn things sexual (it may take several tries) and take the time to develop the kind of connection you are looking for.

 

Good luck

 

Zack.

[hello-I-am-me]

I know how you feel, run from the sad person and all that, keep trying, there are a lot of decent guys out there. I make it my goal with a woman to not even think about sex until I get to know her a lot better.

 

You do deserve better.

[hazeleyed]

thanks guys...I am giving myself a break for now and just focusing on school since I will be applying to law schools for next fall! Hopefully that works heh.

[Alabama]

Good luck with your healing process. I can kind of imagine what your going through...you don't feel that you have friends you can trust and that none of them are "true" friends...right? I felt like that once, and it was time that has helped heal that...but the road goes ever onward, and I wish you luck in getting to law school and getting a good education to push yourself forward.