He does not fight for me.

[Empathy]

Long story short, my boyfriend is not good for me. I can't express how I feel if I have a problem concerning him without him turning it around on me and making it my fault. Basically, he's NEVER at fault and is always making me feel like I'm a worthless screw up. I always seem to be making him angry. He's a hypocrite too.

 

I know I need to leave him and just as I get the courage to tell him its over his response is one of nonchalance and just plain apathy. His response to me is usually a cold look and a quick short "Bye." Thats it. He doesn't try to fight for me at all and just as I realize that I don't matter enough to him I lose the wind in my sails and I just...can't do it. I can't break up with him. I know that the fact that he doesn't fight for me is even more reason for me to leave! But for some reason I feel like I have to stay. What is wrong with me?

[Zackinlaw]

The way he's beaten down your self esteem, it's no wonder you feel like you have to stay. He is toxic to you, and you need to get far away from him. Next time you say "I am leaving" ... and he gives you a smug, apathetic "bye" ... take him literally at his word. Cut off all contact with him, period. If he calls you, ignore it. If he emails you, ignore them. If he IM's you, block him.

 

You will be amazed how quickly your confidence will come back without someone someone sledgehammering it away!

 

Good luck

 

Zack.

[beaglelover_06]

I have to agree with Zack on this one. You need to say bye to this guy and really mean it and stay away from him.

[star2008]

Are you angry that he says goodbye so casually that he mustn't think that you are so great so you want to stay to prove to him how great you are so then when you do leave he'll be sorry?

 

Just because he does not fight for you, it does not mean that you are not worth fighting for. His actions are mostly to do with him and not you. Like you might not like the taste of apples but that doesn't mean that apples taste bad. There are plenty of people who like the taste of apples and really instead of wasting time trying to get you to like how apples taste even if they always make you angry it would be better if you give the apples to someone who does like them.

[brooooooooke]

I think the reason he always says "bye" is because you always come back. If you can work up enough courage to leave for good and stay gone for a good while, he may realize what he did and THEN fight for you.

 

It sounds like he's bluffing to me, but I don't know him so I really wouldn't know.

 

Good luck.

[ProtestTheHero]

If this guy is treating you poorly, yes, I suggest you leave. I say this because it is an important preface to my next comment.

 

Anytime a girl breaks up with me or makes it known to me that she wants to, regardless if we were friends or not, regardless of the situation..I respond the same way. No emotion, no fighting, no nothing. I will not be made to grovel or beg or tell her how much I want her to stay.

 

I give her a cold once over and I tell her bye. I never talk to her, IM her, or carry on any form of communication again.

 

Maybe this guy is the same way. Maybe he, like myself, wishes to show you that you can not hurt him and that he will not be merely a friend.

[JayBee]

Ooh I can so relate to you. My boyfriend is/was the same way. It's like he is a robot. What is up with un-emotional men? Do they really not care one way or another, or do they hold it all inside? I don't get it.

[shoegal21]

This guy sounds like my ex, my ex the jerk. I grew the courage to break up with him just yesterday. I always threatened to leave, but I never did and he knew I wouldn't. Well, I finally did and he's probably puzzled and wondering what the heck is going on.

 

Your boyfriend is bluffing. Bottom line.

 

He has you right where he wants you. You always say you're going to leave, but do you? No. And he knows you're not going to. You continue on down the same road. I suggest you REALLY do it. He needs to see that you aren't a hopeless little soul without him and that you CAN walk away. You may even like how it is without him and maybe you'll come to your senses and realize you are better off without someone who treats you so poorly.

 

Believe me, it took me a while to break away. But when I did, I automatically felt relieved. It's only been a day, but it's a day that he is no longer treating me like crap and controlling me. No one deserves to be treated this way. You deserve to be happy.

[star2008]

What response would he have to give before you leave him?

[Clabs]

Hey Empathy!

 

Well - you have gotten some excellent advice here. But don't just look at it as advice - look at it as confirmation, because you already know what the answer is and what you have to do.

 

It can seem like a terrifying ordeal to walk away from a relationship, but the reason you are terrified is exactly why you should leave in the first place because he has created that terror. By constantly beating down your confidence and self-esteem, he has made you feel terrified that you will not find anyone better - that you will always be alone.

 

Honey - you can do so much better than this loser, you really can. Muster up every bit of courage you can and leave. Run as fast as you can.

 

I actually think you will feel the same sense of relief that shoegal experienced.

 

Take care of yourself - this is all about YOU now.

 

Mark

[Empathy]

What response would he have to give before you leave him?

 

 

I don't want him to beg. I don't want him to grovel. I would just like him to do anything that would make me feel that I'm worth keeping. I would like to him to at least show that losing me would affect him even in the least bit. I just want to feel like I matter.

[JadedStar]

YOu"d really have to give examples of what is occurring before I could give you any advice on tihs.

 

Many times in cases like this, it is not so much the other person at fault as it is a really serious communication problem between two people. I know the first inclination is to say he is arrogant or manipulative, but seriously, I have delved into situations like this before with couples and the culprit was seriously defunct communication style between two people. The two unknowingly pushed each other's buttons and it ended up like this.

 

If you really love him and would like to salvage this, provide very detailed examples of some conversations you have had where this occurred.

[ProtestTheHero]

I don't want him to beg. I don't want him to grovel. I would just like him to do anything that would make me feel that I'm worth keeping. I would like to him to at least show that losing me would affect him even in the least bit. I just want to feel like I matter.

 

So the only way you'll leave him is if your ending of the relationship creates a dramatic ending or results in him visibly being hurt? Sounds like he isn't alone in having a problem.

[JadedStar]

So the only way you'll leave him is if your ending of the relationship creates a dramatic ending or results in him visibly being hurt? Sounds like he isn't alone in having a problem.

 

Yea, this is exactly why i asked for in depth examples. I feel there is more at play here. I don't know why, I just do at this point.

[Empathy]

So the only way you'll leave him is if your ending of the relationship creates a dramatic ending or results in him visibly being hurt? Sounds like he isn't alone in having a problem.

 

 

Where in that post did I say I wanted it to be dramatic? If anything I want the exact opposite. I specifically said that I do not want groveling or begging.

[zeino]

I completely agree with Zackinlaw;

Also, if you do not follow through what you say yourself, why should he take it seriously? In other words, you are falling in his abusive trap. He is being emotionally abusive and that causes addiction, that's why, it's so hard to leave. Some psychologists call it stockholm syndrome:

link removed

 

There is also this article about dating losers, you may recognise your loser in it:

 

link removed

 

 

Altogether, I think the reason why you expect him to react is to get that validation that he never gives. He does not validate you even at a critical moment, even your departure meets a lack of recognition. And if you measure your self-worth with what he does (rather than asserting yourself inherently) his lack of reaction implies that you are "zero". It's so difficult a feeling to handle that you go back with the hope of getting smt. from him that tells you that you are not "zero". This is the dynamic of controlling relationships as opposed to loving ones. It's his own game of his insecurity, do not play this game with him. You will be so relieved when you leave him that you will be able to determine your own closure. The best type of closure for this type of relationship is NO CONTACT. they can only hear silence.

 

Also, please avoid staying with him so long that you start mirroring his controlling abusive stuff. I mean, threatening to leave or leaving and coming back all the time is a bit abusive itself. Do not let him contaminate you. Nobody deserves this and it's not about you as a person.

 

Good luck to you,

Zeino