Really making a mess of things again

[swtsmr93]

I apologize in advance for the lenght of this. It's more of a try to jolt myself into waking up then anything! I have been really focusing on changing my mindset from I miss him so much that I cannot bear the pain to just because I feel pain doesn't mean it has to control me or that I have to respond to it. And what was I really missing anyway!

 

I am in therapy and have been treated for depression since I was 17. A typical pattern for me is to go through a disasterous relationship and then be alone for about a year or year and half. Then I jump back into a bad situation in order to avoid the loneliness predominantly.

 

I have posted about the one remaining in person friend that I have. We have known each other 4 years now. We originally went out on a date from an internet ad. Dated casually for a brief period of time and it ended he didn't want a committment--translation he didn't want to date me. We stayed friends with pretty regular contact for the most part.

 

Fast forward to now. I moved from my apartment in June to help my landlord see his place and have been staying with this friend. It was purely friendship at first and then became sexual. Then he said the other night that he has had strong feelings for me all along and he wanted to try and date. I was receptive to this as I do care deeply for this guy.

 

Now the big but that is just making me so disgusted with myself. He is a raging alcoholic and smokes an incredible amount of marijuana. The majority of the nights I have been here he drinks until he passes out. He is not honest with me about most things. I spend a lot of money on him--I mean a lot--doing things for him that he needs to have done or just flat out wants.

 

I have been working hard on asking myself what I feel and paying attention to the answer for a change. I have been asking myself does this work for me.

 

I have sunk to a new low I believe as the answer is I am comfortable having someone around. And I believe this is what I sort of deserve--the partner that is not really available. Plus it seems I better try to make this work because my options are limited.

 

I feel like I have just been kidding myself with the whole I do not need the last guy and taking comfort in knowing he will continue to cheat on his wife with men. I have stopped checking for him on the internet and have really stopped thinking about him like I was. But today it all came crashing down. The realization that I have not really moved past anything. The fact that I am back to I do not care that his life on the surface is a fraud. It's still a nice life and one I will never have.

 

I do not know what I am looking for here. I just feel like all of the process that we go through to get past someone is such an effort in futility. The ones that left still have their lives intact and mine has been devestated. I don't think that says too much for me.

 

I guess it's more what's the point. I have really stopped looking hard for an apartment because I just do not care that I do not have my own place and am I essentially living out of a suitcase. This is yet another new low.

[Coyote9]

Sorry to hear about your dilemma, although I think you've identified the issues for yourself. I too am not entirely comfortable being alone and tend to feel very isolated and depressed as time passes. I think it's why new relationships always feel like an oasis in the desert, as there's such emotional relief from not being alone. And yet, the lonliness of a bad relationship is worse than being alone. It sounds like this is not the situation you want or really need in your life.

 

It's comfortable because it beats being alone....but does it really? Think about how much pain you felt coming out of your last relationship. Even though this guy is screaming red flags, you might grow to get attached to him and then what? Which is worse, not going there, maintaining your objectivity and struggling with your lonliness, or backing into a situation that, at least to me, doesn't sound like a good one, short or long term. You know what you need to do I think.

Coyote

[swtsmr93]

Thanks Coyote. You are right that I do know what I need to do.

 

I don't know if this is just going to be a temporary mindset or not. I feel like I just don't care what happens.

 

I have never been in a situation where I have watched the effects of a drug and alcohol addiction that is this active. The amazing part is he pulls himself together and goes to work as the VP of a pretty large organization and puts out the image of the successful together guy with a ton of confidence and lots of common sense.

 

I know it all has to come from within. But my resolve and strength seem to be worn out for now.

[tiredofvampires]

Wow, I trying to figure out which quotes to pick out of that that resonate with me, I just might as well not bother, since I could really just cut and paste and hightlight the whole goshdarn thing!

 

I can just feel the sense of inertia and apathy you are going through. I am dealing with a LOT, a LOT of the same right now, and have told many people who told me "You've been through this before, and gotten strong again, so you can do it again. Your ex just isn't WORTH THIS! Is he?" -- to this I've replied, "this is just a new low." Sometimes, you've been there and done that enough to think, what next? Enough already.

 

First things first though. This guy is no option for you in a healthy relationship, period. He is flat out a big red X, sorry to say. And there is no maybe-ing around that, or rationalizing it. I think even you recognize that. He needs treatment for addiction, he has mountains of emotional imbalance that will only drag you under while you are struggling with depression and your fail-safe "fallback" system, so we know right up front that this isn't a thread about "do you think I should hang in there?" but rather "how do I get out of here."

 

I think you have a lot of self-knoweledge already. Unfortunately, that doesn't all add up to action and change, with clinical depression in play. I don't know if you are on medications or if they help you (they only make me worse, I have side effects), so the long way around is through introspection and a great deal of kindness and the ability to feed yourself unbelievable suggestions. Such as:

 

"I deserve to have the kind of relationship that builds me up rather than tears me down, and I can start to implement my standards, I have a right to them!" I have been very much a person who saw "limited options" and in fact, there are concrete reasons for this (as I've mentioned in other threads having to do with certain obstacles I face.) A lot of people can be very cavalier about "negative thinking" saying, "It is only what you decide to make of it, we can create any reality we want." So saying, "Plus it seems I better try to make thiss work because my options are limited" will be instantly jumped on by people who will say that your options are only as limited as you make or see them. These people can be very ignorant at times about REAL obstacles and extenuting circumstances. I am growing weary of the fluffy "positive think" bandwagon.

 

Yet, contrarily, I happen to see the very problem you and I are dealing with is SUMMED UP IN THIS SENTENCE. If you cannot imagine anything better than this, you just end up settling and trying to fit what isn't good or right for you into your life, hoping that it will make it better than nothing. So your life then gets worse, because this person continues to drain you and create misery. Which reinforces your perception that this is all you can get. Which means that next time (1.5 years later is about my tempo, too) around, you are entirely familiar with the drill: this has bad writing all over it, but maybe if I hunker down, since the pickins' suck, this could be alright.

 

This is very odd, considering I am a "picky" and discerning person! I actually do have high standards and don't compromise in many ways. For one, addicts are out (now, after my ex, even dry addicts). And many other things from political viewpoint to general morals and values. But the more fine-grade ways that someone may not be right for me, the ways that I can get to feeling I am not able to be the real me, or that I have to * * * * *foot around their needs unilaterally and other power plays that I know too much about and want to stop cultivating in my life, these things that are more "negotiable" and "subjective" and "arbitrary" in terms of who is right and who is wrong sometimes create situations where I am settling into a state of resigned but wishful thinking about the relationship, when in fact it's just no good. Usually in this climate, disrespect for me starts to creep in, rather than appreciation for me, and then emotional wounding starts happening in addition to the incompatibles and lack of communication. And the one thought that keeps me from moving forward is, "But what if I don't find another like him?" and start to imagine that all the good things in him are reasons to stay. His being your only friend now and being good in a few ways does not equate with a reason to stay.

 

Nor does it logically follow that if this must end, that they all will end. Or that nothing better will come along.

 

I can be alone a lot, also. I have a high tolerance for being alone, so it's strange that once I'm in something, I have a habit of being so afraid to lose it. I love my independence, but once there is the comfort of another person there, it can be hard to break free and reclaim that independence. I think loneliness as a driving force in starting a new relationship of course is a prescription for "settling" and shutting yourself off from the more delayed gratification of finding someone later who is far better for you.

 

It has to start with a vision, for you. Again, this is hard if you are depressed. But you have to create in your mind the vision of what you are seeking. Write a list of all the things you want in a man, that any woman friend of yours would be worthy of. Ask yourself what this would not just look like on paper, but what would it FEEL like. You would not have to worry every day where he was, if he was cheating. You would be laughing often. You would feel he was your best friend. You would be unafraid to ask for things you need, and he would listen. You would want someone who is there through your ups and downs and be tolerant of the differences you have. These are just some examples off the top of my head, but the point is to start IMAGINING SOMETHING YOU HAVE NOT HAD. Forget if it is unattainable. Forget if it's available around you right now. Just foster that image and feeling in your heart, feel what it does to your heart. Don't put any restrictions on your list and how it makes you feel to be in the place you think you would be...if not for your limited options, your sense of not being worth more, and your past heartbreaks.

 

DARE, is what I'm saying. DARE to think that if you stop doing what you are doing, and settling, that just by mentally turning towards a new concept, that that alone is a step towards the kind of love you and anybody else can have.

 

This is what I'm doing, and it feels pretty powerful. Those thoughts of "but what if this is all there is" are a very strong undertoe, you can't know what you haven't known. You know? So in a way, it's no better than being a conditioned rat. It's okay! You are human in that way! But your mind is a very powerful tool, and you have to find that "ubermind" that is beyond what your material brain has learned. You have to locate a voice of rebellion against all that has been recorded up to this point, and ask yourself what you need to do practically to get yourself out of this situation, because you have a longterm goal.

 

Start with the smallest practical things. Imagine the goal is already crystal clear. Imagine you believe it already. Imagine that the day will arrive when it won't seem like a joke and a fascade. (I agree that a lot of the "moving on" stuff can be fabricated, and often people have "moved on"when those words don't even come to mind.) For now, just use your imagination and consider that it is not a matter of daydreaming, but tapping into a state of living and being that could happen, that you in stages can actually attain.

 

Then using the pure power of imagining and feeling what you might hope for but can't see, force yourself to look for apartments. For now, just because your Higher Self said so. Just because if there is no point in leaving him now, knowing what you know, there is no point in staying either. Loneliness is really not everything it's cracked up to be. It is entirely livable if you just let it be. The point is to shift the wheel so that you are going in a different direction, you don't have to be entirely convinced yet. Just know that you can start to shift the reality and expectations you have by conjuring up new and audacious ones. That is all you need to do now. That and checking the classifieds.

 

AND, you can still be his friend even so, so long as that will not become another leg iron.

[swtsmr93]

tiredofvampires this is a post to be saved!

 

Thank you. I am in awe of your depth of perception and emotion for summing up exactly what I have not been able to express.

 

It's funny you mention the power of imagination and feeling. I have been reading about this and putting this into practice at various times and know that it works. I just get into the "why bother" mode and stop it.

 

I also really appreciate you and Coyote responding in such a kind way. I know this is so wrong and feel so foolish for making the decisions to be where I am today. Again.

 

I am going to print off this post and continue to read it for inspiration.

 

Thank you.

[tiredofvampires]

Aw, I'm so happy I could say something that hit home!

 

Maybe I should print it up, too and keep reading it, lol!!

 

It is sometimes the things we know best ourselves that we know how best to identify in another. Which is one of the magical things about this board for me. Everything I post about, I have either felt a little myself or a LOT (and that covers a vast terrain of human feeling!!) Yours is just one of those "Yup, yup yup yup yup and YUP" posts.

 

I am careful to not fall into that whole "fake it 'til you make it" cornball thing (no offense to those who say this on here.) I don't think it's about faking, per se. I dunno about you, but I feel even worse when I'm trying to fake it when inside I feel like it's a ruse. "Why bother" is such a heavyweight feeling! It's Goliath, and "faking" is, well, just some peon next to it. So the thing is, to have an authentic inspiration that you create, like a collage in your heart and mind of what you really want that is REAL, not fake. You don't have to pretend about anything, this is what you deepest desires are! They are just disconnected from you right now. Like a phone wire that is snarled and getting static sounds and the message isn't coming through. You have to clear that line by generating images and projections starting with your heart so that it can have a proper conversation with your mind, which is getting the wrong signals and coming up with its distorted conclusions.

 

 

I'm so glad that you can say you've felt it working at times. Yes, it will take much more practice. But since you have felt it working even just a little bit, you know that it's there to increase like a little flame. And, you can become that much more self-aware and conscious when the "why bother" comes in again, yet again. You can say, "Ah! I see you. Okay. You are that voice that makes me want to give up on it all and throw my arms up in despair and futility." Don't try to slam the door in its face. Rather, bring in the new guest. The guest that is the imagined state you really do want. Say they are both at the door, you just let that new and much less rude and insensitive guest in and say "Scuze me, not this time, I have company right now," and close the door on the other politely. It is a matter of quietly overpowering that "why bother" voice again and again, as often as it arrives. Sometimes you will be able to deal with it more successully that other times, so don't get hung up on the each and every time you feel downed by it. Think of this as a broader span of time and distance; you are on a long trek and while every step matters, you cannot count each step either. Just be aware of that connection between the mind and heart when it starts to crackle again.

 

We are in this together! (I love Coyote's posts, too!)

[swtsmr93]

So I decided to speak to my friend last night about the converstion we had previously.

 

He said basically I imagined it. He also said that he never intended to be in a relationship with me and that any thoughts that he wanted to make changes were coming from my imagination. He did allow for the fact he was drunk. He is one of those highly functioning drunks where he can pull off acting as if he is not at all drunk for a while.

 

Huh. I know I get into wishful thinking and projection, which I am working on, but I also know I didn't imagine anything.

 

I ended the conversation with I will not discuss this while he is under the influence of anything.

 

So--in my present state of mind this left my shred of ego damaged. I know that doesn't make sense either. The whole if I am not good enough for him for whom will I be good enough?

 

No real answer just venting again as I have been too ashamed to bring this up with my therapist. That should be a big thump over the head!