Channel YOUR gut instinct please!

[annie24]

Can you explain that statement to me, please?

 

i don't know this woman in question, so I don't know what she is all about nor her motivations. if she is a drama queen, then maybe she enjoys having lots of people in on the situation.

 

or i could be wrong, maybe she has confided in you thinking you are a good shoulder to cry on and a person who keeps secrets. at which point, you should play the role of the confidante and say nothing.

 

Have you encouraged her to get into therapy? to help her figure out how she feels? i would do that.

[annie24]

So love or anything asscociated to it is not a real thing?

 

it's not YOUR love life!

[StrangeWay]

you've asked if you should confront the boyfriend, and tell him that his gf's love for him is in peril. so, you want to go behind your friend's back and tell her boyfriend her personal secrets. don't you think she would be angry, telling you things in confidence, and then you go blabbing around town, especially to her bf

.

 

WANT does not imply that I am going to DO. I was just throwing various sorts of things out there. You made the statement that I am making her life hell by having a simple discussion with the friend that she knows nothing about.

 

Thats a pretty bold statement.

 

And you misread the whole thing entirely. I was not going to tell the BF anything personal. And I was thinking to do it anonymously. And all of what I said was in response to a very good question Fog threw out there that was *somehow* overlooked:

 

A question to the people who think this whole situation is unethical and shady: would you feel differently if the boyfriend was informed that he may very well lose his girlfriend, and that he needs to up his game?

[annie24]

And you misread the whole thing entirely. I was not going to tell the BF anything personal. And I was thinking to do it anonymously. And all of what I said was in response to a very good question Fog threw out there that was *somehow* overlooked: A question to the people who think this whole situation is unethical and shady: would you feel differently if the boyfriend was informed that he may very well lose his girlfriend, and that he needs to up his game?

 

I don't think that you in a situation where telling the boyfriend would be the ethical thing to do (either directly or anonymously). it seems to me that your loyalties lie with the gf (or should!) and that you are not close friends with the boyfriend. i agree with ellie, letting the boyfriend know, even anonymously, would increase the drama. besides, you don't even have any actual evidence of cheating, like photos or video. she hasn't actually cheated, has she? she's only confused about her emotions, right?

 

having been part of love triangles in the past, i can tell you that they are the biggest waste of time and heart ever. I was crazy about a guy with a gf and he was really into me also. he kept complaining about his gf, that he really didn't like her, wasn't into her, he was confused etc..... well, time dragged on, he FINALLY broke up with her after 2 years. but did he come running to me? no.

 

even if she does break up with her bf doesn't mean that she will come running to that other guy. she may just realize she needs to be alone for a long long time before jumping into another relationship.

[StrangeWay]

i don't know this woman in question, so I don't know what she is all about nor her motivations. if she is a drama queen, then maybe she enjoys having lots of people in on the situation

.

 

You are way off base with this. Way.

 

or i could be wrong, maybe she has confided in you thinking you are a good shoulder to cry on and a person who keeps secrets. at which point, you should play the role of the confidante and say nothing.

 

You are right with the above statement. And thus far, I have played the role as confidante and not said a word.

 

 

Have you encouraged her to get into therapy? to help her figure out how she feels? i would do that.

 

Yes, that was the first thing out of my mouth when I learned things were as bad as they were. The problem with that was that her boyfriend keeps a tight fist on the money and has also scared her out of seeking help alltogether, and getting his other family members to actively jeer along should she mention that she might want someone to talk to. She made that mistake, and was jeered at, and mocked. All of her problems (and theirs combined) are taken outside of the home and on the streets by him, no matter what the nature of the problem is.

 

Afterwards, respect that she is capable of making the right decision for herself on her own and back off.

 

She is the one who is making the descision all along. Dont you guys get that? No one can hold a gun to her head.

[annie24]

how old is she? doesn't she have her own job/money? you said this:

 

No one can hold a gun to her head.

 

but also said this:

 

The problem with that was that her boyfriend keeps a tight fist on the money and has also scared her out of seeking help alltogether, and getting his other family members to actively jeer along should she mention that she might want someone to talk to. She made that mistake, and was jeered at, and mocked.

 

so is she a battered woman, or does she still have power?

[StrangeWay]

besides, you don't even have any actual evidence of cheating, like photos or video. she hasn't actually cheated, has she? she's only confused about her emotions, right?

 

Annie, She hasnt cheated, and doesnt plan on it. By going to the boyfriend anonymously, I meant to just simply let on that his relationship was in jeapardy, and if he cares about salvaging it, he will do what he can as fast as possible. And I said that because most of you were boo hooing over the poor boyfriend. And still, in response to Fogs very good question that has still gone unanswered.

 

having been part of love triangles in the past, i can tell you that they are the biggest waste of time and heart ever. I was crazy about a guy with a gf and he was really into me also. he kept complaining about his gf, that he really didn't like her, wasn't into her, he was confused etc..... well, time dragged on, he FINALLY broke up with her after 2 years. but did he come running to me? no.

 

I am sorry that this happened to you. With this situation, the girl DOES feel something very strong for the guy but is still remaining loyal to the boyfriend because she just isnt that way.

 

even if she does break up with her bf doesn't mean that she will come running to that other guy. she may just realize she needs to be alone for a long long time before jumping into another relationship.

 

Which has already been established. He knows that. I know that. She knows that. We all respect her wishes. And you pointed out the point I had been trying to make all along: Ultimately its her decision.

[TheFoglifter]

... role as her friend is to offer suggestions to her as to what might be best for HER. Period."

 

If I'm lucky enough to hit "post" first, I bet that StrangeWay can assert the above statement to mean "tell her to leave her bf and go with the friend".

 

I'm sorry to hear that this girl is even more trapped than originally thought. At first it seemed like she just had low self-esteem and kept the boyfriend because he was a boyfriend. If he controls the money too (is it HIS money, or is it THEIR money) then she is in a worse position.

 

Does the friend know that he is going to have to finance her to some degree?

[annie24]

Let's say you do the above. Are you CONFIDENT that the bf will "do what he can as fast as possible" without confronting his gf?

 

Let her make up her own mind about whether or not SHE wants to salvage her current relationship.

 

my gut instinct says that he would get very angry at her, and then control the finances/where she goes even more closely, not that he would be a better boyfriend. if she really is in a situation where he controls the purse strings.

[StrangeWay]

If I'm lucky enough to hit "post" first, I bet that StrangeWay can assert the above statement to mean "tell her to leave her bf and go with the friend".

 

Partially correct, Fog. I would tell her to leave and then take some time to regroup herself and then go with the friend. Because it is clearly evident that she feels strongly for the friend but her morals wont allow her to stray.

 

(is it HIS money, or is it THEIR money)

 

It is his, hers, and theirs.

 

Does the friend know that he is going to have to finance her to some degree?

 

With this guy, money is definitely not of concern.

 

my gut instinct says that he would get very angry at her, and then control the finances/where she goes even more closely, not that he would be a better boyfriend. if she really is in a situation where he controls the purse strings.

 

And you are most likely very right. But remember that me stating I could play devils advocate was in response to the boo hooing, that way it makes it a bit more fair in some of your eyes.

 

You guys, truthfully, I really really feel for her. I am very concerned about the nature of her relationship with the BF. He is very very controlling, her money, her time, practically her whole life. He harps on her every minute of the day, not a moments rest. The public mocking and jeering is very sad. There was a time or two when things got physical, but to my knowledge, it hasnt happened since.

 

I am afraid that the only thing I can offer her is to talk to a therapist, get out of the relationship, give her the hotline numbers or suck it up. And those are quite pitiful choices and long since played out. I realize it is her decision, but years and years and layers upon layers of abuse has skewed her logic and thinking. Do you not understand that?

 

I cant just sweep it under the carpet. My thoughts were to let the situation play out as is, and as crappy as some of that may sound to some of you-to just stay informed of the plan from the friend, I was thinking to not say a word of any of it to anyone and just let it happen. Just let it happen, and keep my lips zipped. Because its still gonna happen, whether or not I am involved. I just thought that if I were involved to some degree, I could lessen the shock and act as a buffer to some of it.

[annie24]

an abusive relationship is much different than just a bad relationship and the girl has low self esteem. if the relationship is abusive, then I absolutely think she needs to get out of it, and telling the guy anything at all will harm, not improve the situation.

 

if you want to be an active player in this, you can pay (or loan her money) for her therapy sessions, where she can go and talk things over with a therapist without her bf knowing, so she can figure out what it is she wants.

 

how does she feel about the mocking?

[StrangeWay]

Let her make up her own mind about whether or not SHE wants to salvage her current relationship.

 

And we all know what she is gonna pick......

 

 

 

Yep! Someone suggests something is amuck with the his girlfriend, its going to be a huge festival of accusations, emotional fallout, and distrust all around.

 

Tell the boyfriend and you stir up trouble and will seriously contaminate a relationship that is not yours.

 

They have a word for what you're trying to do, its called meddling.

 

And that was why I said that I could.....play devils adovocate in response to Fogs original question. It wouldnt be a bright thing to do because I am aware of the circus that would ensue.

 

if you want to be an active player in this, you can pay (or loan her money) for her therapy sessions, where she can go and talk things over with a therapist without her bf knowing, so she can figure out what it is she wants

.

 

This is a great idea, Annie, and one I have thought about. THe only problem is, I could probably afford one or two sessions, and we all know that the problems dont get solved that fast. Plus, she would have to account for the time she is missing to her BF, and that in and of itself will cause problems. Also, to convince her that there is nothing wrong with talking to someone about this, because of all the mocking and jeering she is gunshy about the whole thing.

 

how does she feel about the mocking?

 

She usually just pretends that she didnt hear it, walks away, and then starts bawling to me. Of course she doesnt like it. Its embarrassing to me (when I am around) to even hear it, I can only imagine what she must be feeling inside.

[StrangeWay]

Which still puts me in the position, because I am still involved even if indirectly because I still know about the plan.....So I should just shut my mouth and let it happen then?

[StrangeWay]

Yes, you should, you should stay out it and let the people who are really involved in the relationship deal with their issues.

 

I am afraid that is impossible, because they are both still my friends. And if I still shut my mouth, the friend is still going to break them up. PERIOD. And there is nothing I can do about that.

 

And I will still be guilty by omission.

[TheFoglifter]

If we revisit the original question and the original opinion that the friend will win out in the end, then it could be suggested that regardless of your involvement, whats going to happen will happen. You said this again a few posts back.

 

I agree that lessening the shock may be beneficial to your friend. I also understand how you feel as this unhealthy relationship has obviously been going on for a long time. You have seen your friend systematically dismantled, and are worried that she will miss her chance for what could be a wonderful relationship.

 

You have also said she has strong feelings for the friend, so the groundwork seems to already be there. She just needs some catalyst to make her realize that it is OK to cut ties with her boyfriend. Where she goes from there is up to her, but she probably will end up with the friend thanks to the attraction and thanks to his scheming.

 

I'm sure its also a bit of fun and excitement to feel involved in this situation. Secrets and plots and all that add some spice to routine.

 

The friend will get his evidence eventually, I doubt that you are the only agent he has working on this. The gf is comfortably uncomfortable and probably will need something grand to finally pick up and leave. Whether or not you are involved at this point may come down to whether or not you feel in the mood.

[StrangeWay]

Whether or not you are involved at this point may come down to whether or not you feel in the mood.

 

Yes, its pretty much a moot point, at any rate. Things are going to happen, whether or not I have a hand in it.

 

The gf is comfortably uncomfortable and probably will need something grand to finally pick up and leave.

 

You are very right, Fog. Shes got a deathgrip on this, and nothing short of a huge blowout will make this dead end relationship cease.

I agree that lessening the shock may be beneficial to your friend. I also understand how you feel as this unhealthy relationship has obviously been going on for a long time. You have seen your friend systematically dismantled, and are worried that she will miss her chance for what could be a wonderful relationship

 

Yes, above all, I am worried about her. The one thing I really want for her is for her to just GET OUT. The relationship can come later. The things that make me nervous is that she is getting to that (or might well be already) point of "too far gone to care".

 

Usually, with abusive relationships, here is what happens:

 

Person is being abused. Its a gradual thing, so they stay and accept. It eventually eats away and destroys sense of self. Person seeks help from friends and family. Friends and family help at first but then become pissed because Person isnt taking their advice and so they turn their back on Person. Person is left to fend for themselves and sooner or later begins to believe that "you have no one left but me, see how they deserted you, only I care".

 

Right now, she is at the part of "Person seeks help from friends and family". Instead of giving her advice and then becoming pissed when she doesnt accept it, We have decided to become proactive about it.

 

After all, seriously, if it was someone you deeply cared about, what would you do, if there was nothing left to do? Turn your back on them?