Really odd situation...

[Buttermaker]

Hey, I experienced something really odd with my girlfriend tonight and I don't know how to approach her regarding it.

 

To start off, I can be a jealous guy because of my past. I was in an 8 year relationship and it ended when another guy came into the picture. She didn't cheat on me, but ended our relationship to be with him. Then I was married. We knew each other for 3 years, married for a year before she cheated on me. After we split up, I dated a woman for a couple months before she admitted to me that she cheated. So right now, I am very cautious and can be jealous when the woman I date has male friends in her life.

 

I have been dating this woman since January 1st of this year. We met on an online dating site. I was jealous of her at first because she seemed to have the hots for a 17 year old she worked with (she is 30 but she didn't know how young he was). I found out when she kept talking about him and I was able to read her emails. I know I shouldn't read someone else's emails, but she left her hotmail window open after she left my place and I was curious to see who some of these guys were on there. She did like this 17 year old and I confronted her too many times about it. To this day she doesn't know I read her email and I will not tell her. Anyway, the 17 year old is done with. I met him in the mall a month ago with his girlfriend. I don't think anything ever happened between them and I have gotten over him. I think she liked him more as a friend.

 

I did notice that on Jan 10th, she wrote another guy that she met last year. He is in the army and spends time away from home. In her email, she wrote him an email saying that she wanted to spend the night with him. It was actually a steamy email and I could tell sex was on her mind. I was so upset that she would want to have sex with another man, only 10 days after me and her met. I was ready to break up with her right then and there, but then read another email she wrote to him 2 days later breaking up with him. By the looks of it, he was playing games with her emotions and that was the end of that. To this day, this still bothers me! We weren't serious or going steady at the time she wrote that email to him, but it bothers me that she was ready to screw around shortly after meeting me. The last time she emailed him was back on the 12th of January, so I don't think she is involved with him.

 

The woman I am dating loves attention from other men. Loves to be friends with them. She also loves sex. A little too much where it even scares me a little. Her mother also loved sex and split up with her hubby and ran off with other men. My girlfriend hates her own mother because of what she did. I hope that the cheating does not run in the family. I don't want my girlfriend to end up like her mother.

 

Now, all these months have passed, she does not have any 'iffy' emails from other men. We are in love and plan to move in next month. I am so scared I am going to be hurt again. I even lose sleep over it. She has told me so many times that she is not like that. She does not believe in cheating and has reassured me so many times she would not hurt me. I almost seem so insecure about it, that I don't want to bring it up.

 

This is where the odd situation comes in. We were both being intimate this afternoon on the couch. I lifted her shirt and started to lick her stomach. I don't know what it was, but on her belly, it smelled like sperm. We haven't had sex for 2 days and she has showered since then, plus I do not ejaculate on her belly. She had a shower before she came over, her hair still seem damp and smelled of shampoo, but that one spot on her belly, really smelled like semen. No other part on her body smelled that way. I have never put my nose to her belly before, so I don't know if this is how it always smells. If a guy ejaculates on the woman and she showers, would it still smell of sperm? It's bothering me so much that I can't sleep!! We are moving together in 3 weeks and I don't want her sleeping with other guys. I don't want to ask her what that smell is on her stomach because I don't want to accuse her of sleeping around. If it's not sperm, what else could it be? I feel like I am over reacting and thinking the worst, but it could be nothing. I don't know how to approach her or talk to her about it without accusing her or seeming jealous There are no other signs of her cheating. We spend almost every evening together, after I get home from work. She does get the odd text message from friends (some are men) and even a few phone calls. I know that she is madly in love with me and keeps telling me she would never hurt me, but that smell is driving me nuts!

[dawn515]

First, please don't judge a woman for loving sex and then subsequently think that means she'll cheat. I love sex, too, and have a high sex drive, but I would never even DREAM of cheating on my partner.

 

Based on your post, it sounds as though you could have grounds for not trusting her, based on the past emails. However, the "odd situation" you mentioned -- I do not think you could smell semen on her if she had showered. That stuff washes away easily with no lingering smell. She would have had to have someone ejaculate on her and then not showered for it to leave a smell.

 

You would be amazed at the kind of stuff that smells like something else. I would not suspect her of cheating based ONLY on the smell. There would be other signs to go along with it.

[blindfold]

if you take a shower, the smell of semen washes off completely... she could've just dropped smt on her shirt or applied some kind of lotion that made you think it smelled like semen... don't make this such a big deal - it can even be offensive to her if you come up and say "hey, your belly smells of semen" - 'cos you don't even ejaculate there, and thereforeeee, you're implying she has been cheating on you.

as to the other things - you may be seeing more than what's there because of your past, how about loosening up the knot and devote yourself to her? if you HAVE to end up getting hurt at least it won't be because of your lack of commitment... allow yourself to love her, jealousy aside (not saying shut your eyes to everything, but some things are tottaly natural and not worth making a big deal of...)

 

hope it gets better*

[PocoDiablo]

Dude, you're in a bad spot, and I'm not really going to sugar coat this so let me start with saying that I'm sorry to hear things may not be going as well as you expected. Let me also add that you are going to have to make some major changes in your life and how you deal with women to get anywhere that you have a quality relationship with a woman. You have a single point of failure in all your relationships - and it's you. Your behavior is killing things for you, and you have to understand that you have to CALM DOWN and be more relaxed, more mature, more confident, more secure, more in control ... more adult.

 

Okay, let me point something out to you. You fully admit you're jealous, right? Guess what? Your jealousy is because you are insecure, you tell this to your GF's, it's child-like and they need an adult, and so you are practically forcing your GF's to cheat on you. Yeah, you're driving them away. This has happened over and over, and the more you do it the quicker it's going to reoccur.

 

... but she left her hotmail window open after she left my place and I was curious to see who some of these guys were on there.

She obviously did this on purpose to test if you were trustworthy. You were not, and you failed this test. You acted like an 8 year old and violated her trust. You shot yourself in the foot. If you act like a child, she will treat you like a child and will find a guy who acts like a man to be intimate with.

 

If you want an adult relationship, you have to act like an adult, deserve the adult attention, and keep working to be MORE adult.

 

... I confronted her too many times about it.

So let's think about this - what is more attractive - you, confronting her, reminding her that she might be cheating, insinuating that she is a liar, calling her a cheater, and basically proving to her that you ARE the 8 year old ... or any other guy that flirts, jokes, teases, and makes love to her?

 

You are your own worst enemy here.

 

Let me give you a little tip - go read this post:

 

Just read the "Purple Tiger" portion of that post.

 

Okay, so now you should understand that you are actually REINFORCING her cheating behavior. You are actually TELLING HER to cheat on you.

 

Why would you do that?

 

If you want someone to be honest, trustworthy, and faithful ... you have to tell them that. People live up to what they are told, even if it's not the complete reality to start with.

 

...it bothers me that she was ready to screw around shortly after meeting me.

What? You think women don't want sex or something? She's looking for the best partner who is the most sexually compatible and most fun. Aren't you? You'd rather be with a prude? You need to get your priorities straight - you either want a sexually active woman or not. Pick one.

 

What you want is a woman who is faithful, and you CAN have that, but you have to EARN it. How have you earned that respect, that trust, that love from her? By calling her a cheater? Think about it.... that doesn't do you any favors.

 

The woman I am dating loves attention from other men. Loves to be friends with them. She also loves sex. A little too much where it even scares me a little. Her mother also loved sex and split up with her hubby and ran off with other men. My girlfriend hates her own mother because of what she did. I hope that the cheating does not run in the family. I don't want my girlfriend to end up like her mother.

In my experience, women seek sex from the most mature, most confident, most self-assured, most secure, most MATURE, and most intellectually and emotionally challenging men they meet. Are you that?

 

Well, from what I gather here, you act like an 8 year old a lot. How is that going to be better than these other guys? How is your behavior more attractive, more mature, more awe inspiring? You cannot be a great man if you are always snooping on her, accusing her of cheating, calling her a liar, etc. You're most likely to drive ANY woman away with those behaviors.

 

Now, all these months have passed, she does not have any 'iffy' emails from other men.

So you're still reading them? Why?

 

I am so scared I am going to be hurt again. I even lose sleep over it.

Okay, stop right here. This is a really big issue for you. I don't normally do this, but I am going to suggest you actually seek professional help. You should seek out a highly competent relationship psychologist who is MALE and you can talk to. Your insecurity is very overpowering and is really crippling your relationship. Find someone who has a PHd and get in there at least once every 2 weeks or so. If you don't walk out of their office saying "Wow, that guy is a genius!" then find someone else.

 

We all need someone to talk to about important issues. You have issues about security and the fact that you don't love yourself. You need someone to talk to, but it should NOT BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND! Do NOT treat her like your therapist. You MUST talk to someone else that has 100% confidence. You need to talk to ANYone outside your inner circle and get this figured out.

 

If you treat your GF's like your therapist, they are going to see the worst of you. And you will act your worst with her. You must not do that. You must be your BEST when you are with her.

 

She has told me so many times that she is not like that. She does not believe in cheating and has reassured me so many times she would not hurt me. I almost seem so insecure about it, that I don't want to bring it up.

Well, you shouldn't bring it up. The fact that you have been bringing it up in ANY way means she possibly is cheating with someone who is more confident about themselves. Why? Because you've been telling her to, you've been telling her "I'm worthless, I am a child, I am damaged goods, I am not worthy of a quality relationship." Telling ANYone that will make them doubt you and look elsewhere.

 

Hey, guess what? No one is perfect. I'm not perfect. I've done everything you are doing now and had the same results. I've been cheated on by a lot of women (but not all of them.) When I finally pulled my socks up and started acting like an adult a miraculous thing happened - women became faithful because it was too much of a risk - losing ME would be a bad outcome because *I* was the best man out there.

 

This is where the odd situation comes in. We were both being intimate this afternoon on the couch. I lifted her shirt and started to lick her stomach. I don't know what it was, but on her belly, it smelled like sperm. We haven't had sex for 2 days and she has showered since then, plus I do not ejaculate on her belly. She had a shower before she came over, her hair still seem damp and smelled of shampoo, but that one spot on her belly, really smelled like semen. No other part on her body smelled that way. I have never put my nose to her belly before, so I don't know if this is how it always smells. If a guy ejaculates on the woman and she showers, would it still smell of sperm? It's bothering me so much that I can't sleep!! We are moving together in 3 weeks and I don't want her sleeping with other guys. I don't want to ask her what that smell is on her stomach because I don't want to accuse her of sleeping around. If it's not sperm, what else could it be? I feel like I am over reacting and thinking the worst, but it could be nothing. I don't know how to approach her or talk to her about it without accusing her or seeming jealous There are no other signs of her cheating. We spend almost every evening together, after I get home from work. She does get the odd text message from friends (some are men) and even a few phone calls. I know that she is madly in love with me and keeps telling me she would never hurt me, but that smell is driving me nuts!

There's not much of anything that women put on their stomachs. Did you actually LOOK at her stomach for any dried or stuck-on semen?

 

And you say you spend all your time together - how could he have cheated?

 

I really cannot tell you what she is doing. Based on what you tell me, I'd put money on the fact that you're causing all of your own problems. You really are. You have a recurring problem with women cheating, and you openly admit you're jealous. Your behaviors because of your insecurity (insecurity leads to fear which leads to jealousy which leads to anger) all add up to being the less likely choice for a woman to want to be with.

 

Think about it like this:

 

*IF* your behaviors are like those of an 8 year old, such as snooping, lying (by omission, like you are doing now - avoiding the issue, which is a catch-22 NOW anyway because bringing it up makes you look insecure!), jealousy, anger, lack of self control ... then a woman is likely going to find a man who is more mature.

 

So how do you become the man who is more mature? Well, you could use a little help. Because it seems like your insecurity is so deep seated, you're probably going to need some real in-person help. And you should be proud of that. While I wouldn't tell everyone, you should tell your GF that you are going to seek help because you know it's an issue.

[PocoDiablo]

if you take a shower, the smell of semen washes off completely...

Absolutely false. As a male, I can assure you that sometimes you have to wash twice to get semen off of your skin. I've had plenty of times where I've had semen stuck to my skin or hair after a session and a shower.

 

she could've just dropped smt on her shirt or applied some kind of lotion that made you think it smelled like semen... don't make this such a big deal

I agree.

 

it can even be offensive to her if you come up and say "hey, your belly smells of semen" - 'cos you don't even ejaculate there, and thereforeeee, you're implying she has been cheating on you.

I agree - this would be totally offensive of him to do, and would be a major mistake. It says "I don't trust you, you're a cheater, you're a liar, you're a wh0re." Is that the message you want to send? It's VERY offensive.

 

how about loosening up the knot and devote yourself to her? if you HAVE to end up getting hurt at least it won't be because of your lack of commitment... allow yourself to love her, jealousy aside

Agreed.

 

Give her a reason to love you MORE than anyone else.

[PocoDiablo]

Oh, and here is a fascinating poll I found on another site about women and cheating:

 

image removed

 

So there is a much lower chance of a woman cheating than you think.

[Mavis VDSande]

Given your trust issues - I'm not sure it's a good idea for you to move in so quickly! Give your rels time to develop, and time for you to trust her completely. I would also stop confronting her, you've only been dating for a few months and you seem like you're questioning her too much!

[Buttermaker]

Thanks everyone for your replies, you all made good points. Yes, I do admit that I have issues regarding trust because of my past experience. I know I shouldn't be looking in her email once in a while and yes, I still do it. Back when I was married, I had 100% complete trust in my wife. Trust was never a problem then or even before I met her. Then the signs of my wife cheating where there and I found out that she was through her emails. We did go through marriage problems (mainly financial) and she looked for help from her ex boyfriend, who magically appeared in the picture after 10 years. They fell in love and because of that, I lost my house, dog, cat and part of my sanity. I should have gotten help then, but I didn't.

 

But then 2 years after that happened, I dated a woman for a year and she brought my trust back into relationships. She was great, but we broke up mutually, because it was going now where.

 

Why I have trust issues with my current girlfriend, I really don't know. I regret peeking in her email. Just a week ago, I asked her if she was ready for me to move in and take our relationship to a next step. She is more than willing. She keeps telling me that she has never felt this way about any man before (and she was married too at one point, but very briefly after her ex left her). I know that she loves me alot and thinks the world of me. I know that she thinks I am the best thing that has ever happened to her. I also asked her if she had any interest in any other man when we met. She said no, that as soon as me and her met back on New Years, she knew I was the one for her. That's why after I read her email saying she wanted to sleep with that other guy 10 days after me and her met, I felt that she was dishonest with me. I know that she is not going to tell me out front that she was going to sleep with another man 10 days after I met her, but I didn't like the fact that she lied to my face. I guess I keep checking her email to see if that other guy will pop up or any other guy. Cause if that happened again, I would no longer see her. But the way I look at it, she has no reason to cheat on me. I give her everything that she wants. I don't think she would ever risk losing that.

 

But one other thing happened that I did not mention. Back on Valentine's Day, I rented a nice motel room for the two of us. To me, that was the turning point of our relationship. We felt closer than ever. Then, she received 2 text messages from 2 different men. She was opened with telling me. One was a guy that asked her to talk dirty to him and the other was a guy that was in town and wanted her to come by and have sex with him. I was surprised that she told me what these 2 text messages said. Even though she told me and was honest to me then, I was disturbed that other guys were writing her that. Even to this day, this bothers me. Then the next day when we were checking out, she said that she might have coffee with a guy that she met on the internet before she met me. She wanted to ask me first incase I had any objections with her meeting him for coffee. I was also shocked by that. I didn't want to be an ass and tell her no, so I said go ahead. I was happy that she was telling me about these things, but yet a little disturbed that guys are text messaging her for sex and some other guy wants to meet her for coffee.

 

As far as that smell on her belly, I honestly don't know what to think of that. There was absolutely no dried semen on her belly, but it did smell a lot like it. It actually freaked me out a bit cause it was only on one spot, just above her belly button. Anywhere else I put my nose, I didn't smell anything. I know that she showered just before she came over. Before that, I have no idea what she did all day as she didn't tell me. Let's say a person did have sperm on their skin and they showered right after. Would that smell still remain, even if there is no dried semen on the skin? I honestly hope that I am over reacting through this whole thing.

 

But one thing I don't do anymore because I learned my lesson, is confront her. I did over do it a little before and I knew she was getting aggravated, so I stopped. That's why I just won't want to come out and ask her what that smell was on her stomach. I honestly don't think she would have told me if it was semen anyway. I am just going to have to do what 'blindfold' suggested and allow myself to love her and put the jealousy to rest.

 

 

Edit: Well I couldn't take it anymore. this smell on her belly is driving me nuts. I just sent her a text message asking her how her day is going. Then in that text, I asked her what that unusual smell was on her belly. She replied, "smell? I don't know. I can't bend that far, especially with my aching back." Then I replied, "it smelled like sex ". I haven't heard back from her since. She either caught on or she is offended.

[PocoDiablo]

That was a REALLY bad move. "Caught on?" Are you kidding me? That was a kick to the head. That has to be the most rude thing I think you could have said to her.

 

Well, all I can say is good luck with this. You're REALLY going to need it.

[Buttermaker]

I agree it was a bad move, but if something bothers me, I have to know before it eats away at me like it has. Anyway, she got back to me, but never mentioned about my text and what I said in it. We are seeing each other tonight for dinner and to watch TV. So even though it was a dumb move on my part, I got away with that remark. I am going to learn to bite my lip.

[servedcold]

You have gotten some good general advice in this thread as far as how you should conduct yourself going forward. More info needed, but I think this woman is not good for you, and it has little to do with any behavior or insecurities of yours.

 

How is her impulse control? Does she drink frequently? Is she "floozy when boozy?" What's her spending like? How fast did you get her in the sack? Does she pout or whine if she doesn't get her way on the spot? Does she call and text you constantly?

 

When you say she likes attention, what do you mean exactly? How does she dress? Does she go out on the town without you frequently? What are her girlfriends like? You can learn alot about a woman from her close female friends who have no reason to put on an act around you.

 

Lots of male friends are not generally a good sign in my book, though there are exceptions. Have you met these friends? You should meet all her real friends before even considering moving in, and any guys not among the ones she wants you to meet should be written off by her totally before you move in as a firm understanding between you two.

 

Normally, would agree with Poco about voicing concerns to her, but many attractive women get totally hooked on the attention from dating sites, have seen it firsthand, and it leads to bad things down the road. I let it roll off my back way too long with my ex, thought it was harmless, she's with me right? I'm secure and confident, right? If she has any signs of low self-esteem, gullibility or poor impulse control mentioned above, she is prime to be played by pickup artists or get caught up in female emotional impulse. Read the book "The Game" by Neil Strauss, after reading this book, you won't feel so bad about having a jealous nature. Yes, do all the things Poco suggests, just educate yourself on the emotional vulnerabilities of women also and plan for them.

 

I differ with Poco and Doc Love in the respect that one of your jobs as BF is to keep the wolves off of her, on the net or out and about. It's part of your duty to protect her without controlling her or involving your own issues in it, she will respect you for that. Lots of women in my experience actually lose respect for a guy who is so confident he doesn't care who they are talking to, I was one of those, and truly did not care who she socialized with. Have learned the hard way that you really do have to keep a desirable woman under your thumb to an extent, if done right, she will really appreciate it... All dating profiles should be totally taken down months before moving in also.

 

If my GF got explicit texts on Valentines day of the type you mentioned, I'd back way off and drop any dating talk at all, and would delay moving in for months. Guys don't send these types of texts to nice girls generally she got lewd texts from two different guys in a short while, how many others you think she is doing this with? Where there's smoke there's fire and this girl looks real smoky.

[Buttermaker]

In response to servedcold:

 

Even though she may not seem good for me, I have learned to give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

As far as having lots of male friends, she does but they are from all over. All over Western Canada to the USA. She met them on various chat sites from the past. She joined a date site for the first time last year, when she moved to the city here. She didn't know anyone and wanted to find companionship. She actually tried a little too hard to find a relationship. I think she tried meeting too many people in such a short time in hope of trying to find the right one. The ones that didn't work out, she is still friends with. In one of the emails that she wrote to an American male friend, she mentioned to him how much she is in love with me and can't wait till me and her move in together.

 

When it comes to her spending habits, she is actually a penny pincher and likes to save money. She is actually really good at not spending money on crap. She doesn't dress like a * * * * or inappropriate. She is average looking, bigger frame, so she is not a head turner. Her female friends all live out of town and I have only met 1 of them. She is really nice actually. Anytime my girlfriend goes out on the town, it's always with me She is not a big drinker and when she does drink, she is pretty tame. It actually took a month before we slept together. She didn't come on to me or acted slutty. She actually waited for me to make the moves.

 

When I met her, she was on 2 different date sites. She cancelled the first one and hasn't been on it in a few months. The 2nd one, her profile is still up, but she hasn't been on it for a few months as well. She also changed her profile on it from "looking for long term" to "just friends". So she is not trying to attract any more attention that way. I also have my profile left on that date site as well and I haven't been on it for a few months as well, plus I changed my profile to read "just friends" as well. She actually wants us to write the date site and tell them about our success story.

 

Both of us got together tonight and we got intimate again. Of course I took a whiff of her belly again and that smell was still there. I am starting to think that it's something else.

 

She does text me all the time when we are not together. She really loves her text messages. After those two characters text messaged her back in February, it makes me wonder what she says to these guys to make them keep coming back for more. She told me that they were both drunk when they text and that I shouldn't have to worry about that. I am going to have to learn to take her word and just go with the flow. I will have to trust her 100%, until I have a reason not too.

[boo121]

Edit: Well I couldn't take it anymore. this smell on her belly is driving me nuts. I just sent her a text message asking her how her day is going. Then in that text, I asked her what that unusual smell was on her belly. She replied, "smell? I don't know. I can't bend that far, especially with my aching back." Then I replied, "it smelled like sex ". I haven't heard back from her since. She either caught on or she is offended.

 

Yeahhhh!!! real smooth man... awesome. Ill send u a voice clip with my sarcastic overtone, so you can understand what a STUPID comment that was. Its okay to make a cocky / funny comment, but theres a line. You just stepped over that line. That was just plain offensive... no humour attached to it. Dont appologise for saying it, just dont say it again.

 

Dont ask personal questions about her... its none of ur business. I keep saying that and it just gets rid of all these problems.

[servedcold]

Well, things look better in your latest posts, your first post made her look pretty bad, but clarified with more info she sounds much better. Watch the accusations and take things slow. Best wishes.

[PocoDiablo]

Edited - I totally missed a whole page of replies! Oops!

[PocoDiablo]

Somehow I overlooked these replies...

I differ with Poco and Doc Love in the respect that one of your jobs as BF is to keep the wolves off of her, on the net or out and about. It's part of your duty to protect her without controlling her or involving your own issues in it, she will respect you for that. Lots of women in my experience actually lose respect for a guy who is so confident he doesn't care who they are talking to, I was one of those, and truly did not care who she socialized with. Have learned the hard way that you really do have to keep a desirable woman under your thumb to an extent, if done right, she will really appreciate it...

Actually, I totally agree with this. I make it absolutely clear that she should not be out picking up other men. Going on a date with another guy is my line for termination of the relationship. She can talk about it, tell me some guy offered it, she can even tell the guy she is going to do it ... if it's brief (obviously, no e-affairs.) The moment she GOES ON A DATE the relationship is over. I would, of course, tell her "While I won't tell you what you can and cannot do, I will tell you that going on a date with another guy is very disrespectful to me, and I won't tolerate it. If you actually do go on this date tonight, once you walk out that door do not expect me to be here when you get back."

 

You have to make it clear what your expectations are from the beginning as well. I would have put my foot down on that whole situation.

 

If my GF got explicit texts on Valentines day of the type you mentioned, I'd back way off and drop any dating talk at all, and would delay moving in for months. Guys don't send these types of texts to nice girls generally she got lewd texts from two different guys in a short while, how many others you think she is doing this with? Where there's smoke there's fire and this girl looks real smoky.

I would have confronted her about them and said I don't think it's at all appropriate. I would also tell her that she is going to have to work to prove to me that she really wants to be with me. She can't have guys sending her messages like that and expect me to stick around.

 

Open and honest communication, polite and mature, have high standards and let her know about them in advance, etc., are all required.

 

Passive-aggressive techniques like the text he sent is not mature and will make her want to look around. Trusting her 100% and giving her no reason to look else where is the best policy.

[Buttermaker]

Well it's been almost a week and I have given her the benefit of the doubt. I did bring up the 2 text messages that she got around Valentines Day. I told her that I was uncomfortable and to this day it still bothered me. I asked her how she would feel if 2 different women text messaged me asking to talk dirty and come over to have sex. She said she knows it seemed bad and doesn't blame me for feeling uncomfortable about those texts. She told me that the one text was from a male friend from back home. He was drunk that night and being an a$$. They were only friends and she never dated this guy in the past. The one that asked her to come over to the motel that night to have sex was an old boyfriend she dated months before meeting me. He too was drunk and being a jerk that night. Now that I have brought those 2 guys up (again), I have to not mention it to her again.

 

That night when I brought up those texts to her, I also asked her if she was 100% ready to make that step of moving in and if she was ready for this relationship to be taken to the next level. She said she was more than ready and has waited for someone special to come into her life for a long time now. I do believe her. I mean we spend almost every evening together, every weekend. Every time she looks into my eyes to tell me that she loves me, I can see it and feel her love for me. I am going to have to let her past go and accept the fact she has a lot of male friends. I honestly don't want to worry about other men texting her, even just to say hi. I just want a trusting, loving relationship and not have to be jealous or worried about her screwing around (even if it's by text or email).

 

I am still puzzled as to the mysterious smell on her belly. Never did I ask her what it was. I have put my nose down there 3 other times since then. The smell was completely gone today. But the 2nd time I smelled it (the day after I noticed it the first time), I could still smell it. It was so close to semen that it's scary. The thing is, I don't see other signs of her cheating if she was. She also told me she is 100% against cheating and said she would never do anything to hurt me. I seriously try to believe her, but if she didn't want to hurt me, why did she want to sleep with that other guy 10 days after we met? I know it's been over 7 months and since then she hasn't bothered with him, but why should I let it still bother me? Why can't I let it go?

[Ultimo2187]

Buttermaker reading your situation especially about the sms messages sounds eerily similar to my now ex-gf.

 

We started dating after meeting on a dating website. She too was receiving sms messages from 2 different guys of a very sexual nature in the first few months we were dating. At the time she just said they were old friends that she never had any interest in. At the end of the relationship I found out she actually dated one of the guys and quite probably had a casual sex relationship going on while he had a GF!

 

Anyway in the end (we went out for 1.5 years) it became blatently clear that she was cheating on me and couldn't be trusted. I don't doubt she loved me but she just loved male attention too much and couldn't let all her other 'friends' go.

 

Seriously trust your gut with this one. As said before, generally where there is smoke there is fire. To me it looks like you don't trust her now anyway, so you need to ask yourself, will you ever be able to trust her? If you don't think you ever can then you should end the relationship. A relationship without trust is nothing and you will just end up hurting yourself and her.

[Buttermaker]

Well I am trying my hardest to trust her. As of now, there is no hard evidence of her cheating or lying to me. She has always been open and I appreciate her for that.

 

I think I have pushed my limit as far as trying to ask her about other men or those texts as she is getting annoyed. She is starting to think that I doubt her love for me and the last thing I want to do is scare her off. I think my imagination gets the better of me and I suspect the worst when probably nothing is happening. I can't destroy a relationship just on speculation and a wild imagination. After all, if she was dating someone besides me it would be a good trick, since we spend so much time together including weekends.

 

I will just have to let all of these speculations go to rest for now. We are moving in together in a couple weeks, so if she was doing something with other guys, I will definitely know about it. There is no 'new guys' popping up in her emails, she has a picture of the both of us on her MSN. I don't think she would do anything to wreck something good.

 

I am sorry that you had to go through with your ex girlfriend cheating on you, scapegoat. It must have been horrible to find that out, especially after all that time. It's sad when someone has to cheat and ruin a relationship. I don't understand why people do that for.

[blanchett]

Dude, you guys just need to communicate in reality. No "belly smells," just "where are the parameters of our relationship; what do you expect of me/what should I expect of you?" and is this really the right time since I have been having X,Y,Z concerns (that are not stupid (but don't mention the belly smell bc you got nothing to go on there)). And hopefully she'll express her own concerns then too.

 

Bottom line it. Decide what your relationship is going to "be." Boundaries are not romantic, but they are necessary, and a whole host of honesty flows from them...as does....TRUST.

 

have a sit down. immediately. a nice one. make dinner! don't drink too much! just TALK. about the parameters of your relationship, your expectations, what "moving in" means to both of you, and then if you can get over past stuff, absolutely. do it before you move in and the relationship will be so, so much more smoothe sailing. and you will feel a lot better. i guarantee it!!

 

Good Luck!