how do we sort this out

[How did I get here]

Over 14 yrs of marriage my wife has controlled every aspect of my life. Examples are telling me what way to go in the car, watching my every move, reading my text messages and emails, telling how to eat, how to dress, how much to give as a tip in a restaurant, just about everything. SHe also loses the rag and verbally abuses me regulary. I spend my time trying to make sure shes happy and to avoid conflict. SHe has hit me in the past but after I started hitting her back she has stopped that.

 

She and my mother didnt get along and this caused a lot of stress as I was caught in the middle, both making demands. As my mother got old and infirm I had to travel 200 miles home very regularly to look after her and got no support from my wife. . THe rest of my family live abroad. THe short story is this has lead me to suffer from depression and I have been drinking a lot over the last few years. I have been drinking a bottle of wine a night and maybe a few beers as well. I know the dangers but I am away from my wife as I write this and IM not hardly drinking atall. We drifted apart and there has been no intimacy between us for three years when, to add to the mix, our first and only baby was concieved. She is now 2 yrs old.

 

My wife got close to this guy she works with over the last three years and they are bestest friends. He is married with kids and I dont think there is any sexual relationship between them but they are definitely having an emotional affair. She obviously prefers him to me and compares me to him all the time. Having been working with him all day she goes to his house after work to 'talk about the day'. His wife is usually working then. Meanwhile Im looking after the baby cooking the dinner etc. She swans in when she feels like it for dinner. SHe may then go on the phone for the night, and often to her 'friend' who she laughs with and is very different with than with me.

 

I dont class myself as an alcoholic but my wife thinks I am. I have bulit up terrible resentment against her and dont feel much love for her anymore.Basically she believes my drinking and depression is the cause of our problems rather than a symptom of our unhealthy relationship and my unhappiness. She says she talks to this guy because I dont listen to her and he does. The problem is I cant talk to her because she can manipulate words and argue brilliantly and I cant. This puts me down and I just dont even try to argue unless it gets very bad. But then I dont get anywhere. SHe keeps a diary where she records everything (according to her) and anytime there is a dispute the diary comes out to prove her point.

 

Lately I met a woman who was the victim of such abusive behaviour. SHe validated me and my experience and for the first time in years i let it all out. We had a fling and my wife found out about it. I do regret it but something had to give. My wife and I have now split for the summer. SHe says she still loves me and is still willing to 'take me back' under conditions. One is I give up drinking. She isnt really taking responsibilty for her part in all of this. I played right into her hands with my affair because she can now say im an alcoholic cheating bastard and poor her!!!! I cant see this working out between us and my gut feeling is I want out. However all I can think of is my little baby daughter and her future security, as well as my own. My wife threatens to play hardball if we split and shell have the house and the baby and i'll 'end up in a bedsit a lonely alcoholic' I dont think this will happen but it just shows her confidence in me. I dont feel she has ever respected me or treated me right and even thought she says she is willing to change to make it work how can she change when she doesnt even acknowledge she is a control freak. I really need advice on this. Please what should I do?????

 

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[EvaGina]

Leave.

You dont need to be in an abusive relationship, and your daughter does NOT need to see that, she doesnt need to be taught how to treat men like that.

 

You poor man

 

Dont go back...

Imo, you probably are an alcoholic, and you will have to stop that if you want to get a good deal with a divorce, but as long as you DO something about it, its nothing to be ashamed of.

 

Dont back down.

-hug-

[Dako]

You're at a fork in the road, and should end this marriage before you lose even more. I can't imagine wanting to stay for any reason, since your child will always be yours, and doesn't need to watch a bad marriage as a model of behavior.

 

You must have adapted to this life in a gradual way, or you'd have run screaming early on. You don't have to spend your life under this woman's thumb.

[Zackinlaw]

Your marriage is killing you!!! literally!!! Whatever ounce of spirit that your wife hasn't bludgeoned out of you is being quickly poured into a bottle, and you need to deal with that too.

 

our first and only baby was conceived. She is now 2 yrs old. My wife got close to this guy she works with over the last three years and they are bestest friends. He is married with kids and I dont think there is any sexual relationship between them but they are definitely having an emotional affair ... Having been working with him all day she goes to his house after work to 'talk about the day'. His wife is usually working then.

 

File for divorce, but first, look for evidence of infidelity on HER part. If she wants to play hardball, tell her you might demand a paternity test on your daughter. Now is the time to retrieve your backbone which she has kept locked in the attic for so many years.

 

Good luck.

 

Zack.

 

ps ... if you get a divorce, you will be free to pursue your relationship with the nice woman you met.

[fnlyfrei]

You're at a fork in the road, and should end this marriage before you lose even more. I can't imagine wanting to stay for any reason, since your child will always be yours, and doesn't need to watch a bad marriage as a model of behavior.

 

You must have adapted to this life in a gradual way, or you'd have run screaming early on. You don't have to spend your life under this woman's thumb.

 

As Dako said, you do not want your daughter to witness and model bad behavior. This is not a healthy relationship. I have three sons who are still recovering and rethinking the example their father and I set for them. It is your responsibility to take care of yourself and be happy, so that your baby can see what real love and loving one's self can be. Daunting responsibility? Yes. But you cannot stay where you are and have her watch you suffer and be completely unhappy. It will affect her. It's not all about just you.

[Hope75]

Hey There,

 

I think there are two separate issues here. One is that your marriage in clearly unhappy and whether she is cheating or not neither of you sound happy, and I don't see a heck of a lot of love, respect or mutual kindness from either side. Physical abuse from both of you, controlling and emotional abuse from her.... what exactly are you still with her for?

 

The second issue is your drinking. You may deny alcoholism or blame your wife for driving you to drink but the bottom line is that a bottle of wine a night (give or take a few beers), even if a few times per week, is alcoholism. Alcoholics can still be functional and go to work every day and raise families- but to drink like that on a fairly regular basis is an unhealthy coping mechanism that you've developed that isn't working and is also poisoning you.

 

So, I agree with the above posters that separating from your wife seems the healthiest and best thing to do. You can co-parent your daughter just as effectively if not more so if you are not in a dysfunctional marriage, and a child is NOT a reason to stay together in a situation such as this, as that child is exposed to your toxic relationship and it does more harm than good. I do hope you will see a lawyer regarding custody of the child and be willing to share that with your wife in the best interests of the child.

 

And second, the drinking needs to be addressed. Talk to your doctor, check out AA. The bottom line is that when things got tough you chose to drink as a way to try and manage your stress and unhappiness but drinking at that volume and with that regularity is definitely a problem. It's not good for you, your child, or your case for custody.

 

Think about it and consider that.

[How did I get here]

Thank you all for your advice. I really appreciate you taking the time. I know I have to sort out my first with the drinking. But then I am going to get some legal advice to see how I can protect myself and my daughter. The funny thing is that what my wife is saying too. She is saying she has to protect our daughter too!!! I will go for counselling to figure out what I want and whats the best thing for me right now. I know I will not get custody of our daughter so I have to come to terms with that. Thats going to be the really hard part. But reading other peoples postings I know I have been emotionally and verbally abused for years and Im not going to take it anymore whatever the price.

Thanks all

Kieran

[Donnyboy]

Kieran,

 

From what you have written she IS cheating on you.

 

Get evidence of that as soon as you can. Let the other guys wife know any details for her sake.

Separate your finances as quickly as you can.

 

Get out and start living!

 

I was in a similar relationship & thankfully got out, despite my sense of duty to my family. I too was beginning to drink to self medicate the depression.

 

Now 15 years later I have a terrific relationship with my children despite only seeing them every other weekend. They are now old enough to see (by the way their mother still behaves) why it was best I left and they have mainly seen me happy contented and working. I remarried within 18months to a wonderful supportive loving woman who treats me as an equal and with the same rspect I show her. My ex-wife has never remarried or even had a boyfriend longer than a couple of weeks, I sometimes wonder why. Also I hardly drink anymore and if I do it's because I like the taste, not because I want to blot everything out. I didn't need to go to rehab, I needed to get away from the reason I was depressed.

 

Best of luck to you and your family.

 

Do it ! Do it ! Do it !

 

Don

[Hope75]

Keiran,

 

Have you decided what you are going to do?

[How did I get here]

Hope

Thanks for your concern. The update is that I have decided to give up drink for a while to prove that I can. MY wife has emailed me to tell me that 'its the end of the road for us'. I had emailed her and spoke to her on the phone and told her how I felt she had abused me over the years and sent her reading material on verbal and emotional abuse. She sent me a book to read on alcoholism so I guessed that she should know about my issues. However she will not accept my problems with her. She refuses to admit that shes a control friek, that she abused or mistreated me in any way and continues to say that I am just looking ways to justify my depression, drinking and infidelity. She said she was always open to honest communication. Yeah right. She is still invalidating my experience and my perceptions. ITs like I've imagined everything and that its nothing to do with her. Is it any wonder I couldn't open up to her how I felt when I knew she would never accept it or take it seriously. Even though she is a thousand miles away from me I still feel shes in control, calling the shots. She has our daughter I miss her sooo much. I may not see her until the end of the summer as she is trying her best to avoid our meeting. I really regret my affair and I told her that and apologised etc etc. The woman I had the affair with isnt letting go either although I need to be free of her now to sort my life out. SHe is still emailing, calling me and texting me. So Hope Im still in a mess and its painful. One minute I hate my wife and what she has done to me and I definitely want to separate, and the next minute Im filled with guilt and just want to turn the clock back and have my life back, even with the . Im not sure my wife really means it when she says its the end of the road. But Im not sure. I am going home in two weeks and will be seeing my counsellor and lawyer. But everything is still up in the air and IM at the stage that I dont know what i want. What can I do Hope????

[Donnyboy]

Oh, something I remembered from my own counselling. I thought it was Ok to hit my wife back whenever she hit me. But the counsellor pointed out that I was physically bigger and stronger, and thereforeeee quite capable of simply restraining her. I felt really guilty that I never thought of that at the time. I just wanted her to stop hitting me, so used the method that worked the last time I was attacked, which was in the school playground. I did try walking away into other rooms and she just used to follow me shouting abuse & lashing out. In the end I used to leave for a long walk. Looking back now I should have left the first time it happened, but it's funny how, the next day when everything is calm & seems normal & she makes you breakfast to say sorry, you can carry on hoping it won't happen again. She actually ended the relationship by the way. I'm glad she did & it was such a relief. I thought because I had children I should stay, but it was the best thing to do for everyone in the end. Also a year living on my own afterwards was very very good for me.

[How did I get here]

Hey Donny

Thanks for that posting. Its really good to hear others experience of the same thing. Well I emailed my wife on Friday and asked her to confirm she was ending it as I hadnt come to that decison and maybe the counselling could do something. I sent her 4 emails. Now its Sunday and I got no reply. She just didnt bother and i know for a fact she has read mine. SO there you go. I just emailed her now and said yeah well you didnt bother to return my email so i guess that is it. To be honest im glad and I really would love to live on my own for a while. Now we just got toi sort things out with the baby, house, finances etc etc. So it looks like a done deal. You are surviving so I know I can too. Thanks.

Kieran

[Hope75]

Hi Keiren,

 

I think both for yourself and for your child your first priority right now should be addressing your drinking problem. You have an appointment with a lawyer and a counselor which is great. Now you need to prove to them and to yourself that you are serious about being a good parent.

 

To be honest your wife sounds like a lost cause, so I would focus on your daughter and being the best parent you can be for her. In order to do that you need to be 100% sober. That is not an easy thing to do. I don't know how much you know about the physiological effects of alcohol addiction, but withdrawing from alcohol can be life threatening and should be done under the supervision of a doctor in a detoxification clinic, where they can monitor you and medicate you as needed to get you through it. It is very difficult physically.

 

Have you considered this?

 

A judge would be hesistant to leave a little girl in the custody of her father if he has difficulty staying away from alcohol, as that is not safe for her or in her best interests. So for right now I would make that the most important thing for you, especially while your daughter is away.