My first post

[Bonzophuebes1]

I don’t remember being a child or learning how to read, I just know how. I don’t remember learning to talk or walk or climb a tree, I just know how. I was told that as you get older you become more aware of mistakes you make or have made that affect your life. Well, I do not recollect any mistakes in my life that have made my life go one way or another. This is not to say that I have not made mistakes as I have made my share, I am merely stating that I do not know whether my life would be different one way or another. In fact my life has gone by so fast that I cannot remember how the hell I got to where I am now. I am serious, Like I said, I do not remember my childhood much, but I remember my teen years well and it seems like yesterday that I was off to high school. Now at the age of 33 soon to be 34, I feel I have wasted, oh about, 33 years of my life. Some will say that I have a lot to be thankful for, that I have security in a profession that will never go away. For your information I am in the military.

 

A United States Navy Hospital Corpsman with the learned skill of Medical Photography. Well, within the navy there is no such thing as medical photography anymore and in the civilian world unless you teach there really isn’t a place anymore for our profession as most police departments and hospital just have an officer or a nurse to take some basic camera operations courses and a local community college. Anyway, I was told that I should be thankful for the security and housing that is provided that so many others in this country and world do not have, that I have a family that loves me and a wife that if I had to pick qualities of the ideal woman for me, she would exceed in all categories, that my friends care deeply for me. Well, I do not care about any of that. Don’t get me wrong, I love my wife, I love my family and friends. I mean, in reality I could not ask for better of any of them. Which leads me to wonder, why I hate my life so? Why do I get so upset at nothing? Why do I just want to be alone all the time and sit and wallow in my damn world where I am king and no one can touch me? In my head I am numb to this world and anything that happens within it. I have seen some of the worst things that life has to offer while serving my country. No, I have not been to Iraq or Afghanistan but I did spend 8 months in Cuba working with those fool detainees down there. I worked in the ER in Italy at the Naval Hospital in Naples where I saw some gruesome accidents.

 

As medical photographer I have photographed Autopsies from old to 4 month olds. I seen Abuse cases 1st hand in many forms. I have performed CPR on people rarely resulting in a saved life. In fact, I have never had a successful resuscitation. Oh, it is not because of my technique or anything like that but when you have to drive to a scene and the person has already lost their bowels and eyes are glassed over with a white film like cataracts, it is too late no matter what. Those have been my calls. Never arriving on scene to witness the crash of a patient but arriving well after the golden time to have a successful resuscitation. Like I was saying, nothing gets to me. There is no more shock in this world to me. I do not care about anything accept not drawing attention to myself. I want to just live alone and crawl up in a ball and watch movies or listen to music. Now, I know you are saying “what about your wife”? Well, I can say that if she left or what have you that I would probably feel relief. Not that I want her to leave or maybe I do I don’t know. I just think that she is to good a person to go through my life with me. She deserves better and that is the honest to Gods truth. I know she will never leave me and sometimes it is nice knowing that no matter what when I come home, she will be there waiting. It is also scary because I don’t know how my mood will be from one minute to the next. I have never treated her badly or even yelled at her, in 5 years I have only raised my voice a few times and of course it is usually about nothing. I don’t even remember what the arguments were about. Probably because she wanted a hug and I wanted to be alone or something stupid like that. We actually compliment each other well as far as fighting. We just don’t do it. In the end though, I think she deserves better and more than what I can provide, meaning a mentally stable man. The only thing I know for sure about my life is what I am now is all I will ever be and that is not much.

 

I have a general knowledge of a lot of stuff but a master of nothing. I am tired of working hard with no results to show for it. I was told it is not what you get out of it but how you feel about what you put into it. That is a big pile of ***. Tell that to the guy who walked 2 miles to work after school everyday for 9 months and never complained about those dirty jobs, who always came in when not scheduled but called in only to see people who were hired after him get promoted with raises. Tell that to the guy who has been late one time in 10 years in the military and had always had relatively great evaluations never get the benefit of the doubt when it came to asking for someone reliable for high profile job, rather it was given to the problem child of the command to teach him responsibility which ended up with him getting the award which led to his promotion while I was left behind and only remembered to cover the other guys job when he was at some awards board. In this world if you are not in the public light at all times you are nobody. Fortunately though there are more of us out there but it does no good to be us, no one pays attention.

 

So you see, I am aware of this. I see it and live everyday as most of you do. Most of you though think you are happy. You come home, hug the wife or husband or freaking gay lover or whatever is at home waiting for you and you have your routine. Shower, put on comfy house clothes, grab small snack before dinner, nothing big maybe a cookie. Then one of 2 things will happen, you either turn on the TV or the computer. That is where you end up most every night in front of one of those things. If you were to really sit and think about your life you would find that you are just as screwed up as me. Lucky for me, I know I am screwed. In the end though even if you were like me, there is nothing you can do about it.

[veryunhappy12day]

You seem really disconnected from existence. Have you tried talking to someone about it? Well I know you have in this post, but I mean like a councellor or maybe a spiritual leader of some sort. I'm not sure why you feel the way you do, but you need to own yourself. You need to become someone you can be proud of. Maybe your joining the military was part of trying to do that, but the military isn't about you, it's about everyone else, and the country. It's still too abstract.

 

You need to get one on one with yourself and then you will be able to be one on one with others. I know that there are a lot of people who don't believe in religion and stuff. I'm not really into organized religion myself. But I have a very personal connection with God. And He helps me. You can talk to God anytime, and you'll know His answers because you will feel them. Ask for guidance. I do it all the time and it helps me to stay grounded. Sometimes the answer will come to you as an outer signal too. Like say I ask, "God what can I do to get help" and then I see an ad for a place I can go, or I have a flash in my mind of something I saw before that might help me.

 

But mostly, you need to look at yourself and instead of saying, "I'm a waste" think "What can I do to be better than I am right now." You need to feel like what you do has meaning. And it DOES have meaning, for others you come in contact with it has had meaning. You have people who love you. But YOU need it to have meaning for you too. We are really here to help each other. To build a better understanding of ourselves and each other, and to learn how to love ourselves and others. You need to get connected, start letting yourself feel.

[Bonzophuebes1]

In fact, I am the opposite. I am to connected. I would like to be disconnected. I see things now as they are not how I want them to be. Most people hold out for hope, their chance to succeed. In rare cases, some make it. However, i dont care, it does not affect me in anyway. I am me, I worry about me and mine. what I need to do for me. The problem is, nothing satisfies me. My wife, My job, my family, all of whom I do love but I am not satisfied with that. I want more. The worst is, more what? Just because I can look at a 4month old and photograph it and feel nothing or do CPR on someone and feel nothing or Jump out of an airplane and feel nothing does not mean I am not connected. This is not an ADRENALIN junkie kinda thing. I find no interest in life. Nothing makes me want to live other than that fear and pain I would cause my family if I were--- not alive. I find no satisfaction with living, it is only getting worse and no one seems to care, at least no one with the power to do anything cares. I am also not talking about Iraq or Afghanistan. I am talking right here in the states. I just feel that there is no sense in living when it is only gonna get worse. By IT getting worse, I mean living, life and the pursuit of happiness. That just no longer exsists.

[ycmanvs]

You are having some sort of existential crisis. Some people never have those, so in a way consider yourself lucky. The things you have experienced and the things you have seen are not the types of things that most people are going to be exposed to. You are actually reflecting on your life and realizing the hypocrisy of our existence. Life is not fair. The only thing you have control over is yourself and your attitude.

I am not sure if you have any interest in cognitive therapy but I think it might be helpful in your case.

[Bonzophuebes1]

I have had Therapy and I even was prescribed meds at one time. I believe in neither. Not to say they do not work for some but for me, I see them as phoney. I would get the same thing from them as I get from palces like this and this is free. They listen and do alot of hmms, and ahhs. Then they say, set some small goals and accomplish them one at a time. To me, that is crap. Medication is crap. All it does or makes me feel is sort of stoned. I know my life is crappy and medication just makes me happier about my crappy life. It changes nothing. It is like those who say that alcoholics drink to forget about life. You wake up or sober up eventually and you are still in a crappy situation. The only thing that will change anyone who is depressed or whatever you call it is themselves and their wanting to be better, get better and doing something about it. However, I just dont know what for will help.

[ycmanvs]

That is why I was talking about cognitive process. You seem to be very aware of what is going on but do not know how to change it. Cognitive changes in your perception of things can help change your mood over time. Places like this forum help you to focus on certain things, but you also have to do things actively to change. You have a very good understanding but that does not mean that you can't get some sort of help. I am not talking about traditional therapy. There are some new approaches that work better for people with similar issues.

[ycmanvs]

Also, I find it amusing that you use Benzo in your name, even though you do not find meds helpful... I see the irony and I am sure it was intentional. Medication does not work for me either. You have to pretty much accept that life is what you make of it.

[Bonzophuebes1]

Its not BENZO but BONZO, and I did see the irony..

[ycmanvs]

Its not BENZO but BONZO, and I did see the irony..

 

LOL...that's what I get for speed reading....and trying to be funny....anyway, are there any things that you enjoy doing, that actually bring you some sort of happiness?

[Bonzophuebes1]

I would have to say Golf. But only when no one else is around. Not because I stink, which I do but cause being around people frustrate me. Tha is anywhere though. the mall, the road. People just make me angry.

[veryunhappy12day]

Hmmm. I'm having trouble communicating what I mean. I don't mean connected with the circumstances of your life. I mean something deeper, more spiritual. You are disconnected from your soul. Too focused on what's happening and not letting yourself feel. You need to find deeper meaning. Letting yourslef care about others is a way to get in touch with your own inner, deepest emotions. But you are distanced from yourself, and you can't be that way and care about others. I guess then the best way to get connected is to get disconnected from what "life" is right now. The rut. The going through the motions when it means nothing to you. Maybe you need to retreat somewhere, and just find peace, be able to contemplate things and relax, really try to change your perspective.

[Bonzophuebes1]

That is just it, when I am gone no one will know other than my family and friends. It is so, cliche' that way. I want to be remembered for something, anything. I just have no desire to do anything anymore cause in the end i will either fail or my voice will go unheard. Story of my life. I really do see what you all mean, I now understand what you meant by disconnecting and I see your point, to a point. I also agree to a point. I dont cry, I dont get sad at SAVE THE CHILDREN or innocence lost in european countries. I say who cares. Why? cause I can do nothing for one and for 2 I dont want to do anything, I have my own worries to take care of. Like I said before, I am not walking in anyone elses shoes, i walk in mine. it is me that I need to work on. I wander through this life though unaffected by its sadness. I just dont care about the world. It has shown me little caring up to this point.

[tiredofvampires]

Hi Bonzodiazepines, lol....

 

Welcome to ENA...

 

In fact, I am the opposite. I am to connected. I would like to be disconnected. I see things now as they are not how I want them to be.

 

I think this is a very interesting piece of self-observation. And it has been answered to in an insightful way by veryunhappy, who has said that what you lack is a connection to your soul, even while being connected to what is happening in the day-to-day. I definitely agree that it is both an existential crisis, which has triggered a clinical depression and that the answer is "a deeper sense of meaning." It is so easy to say, however -- and hard to find.

 

Meaning is really the kind of thing that isn't about any particular thing in this life being inherently good or worthy. Meaning is CREATED by YOU, not by society, not by the expectations of people. The people who say you should feel grateful for the things you have are correct to an extent, but just because you have some things that give you security, that does not equate with meaning. Security and comfort are not meaning. Meaning is really a unique experience that each person has to find from something more underlying than the surface experience of things. For example, if you are a doctor, and you are admired for your skill and expertise, but you don't really love helping people and seeing them feel better, then ultimately although you might look "successful", this is still a meaningless experience. The outer acquisitons, the marks of success and reward are not enough. To find meaning, you have to sometimes look down a path that doesn't look like much, but for that, you have to be brave enough to say, it doesn't matter what other people consider meaningful, it doesn't matter how small or idiosyncratic or obscure your meaning is, the point is that it is of worth to YOU. Even with very successful and famous people, they say often that the things that got them through and kept them focused on their path was not what other people would consider to be hallmarks of satisfaction. Meaning and purpose go a lot deeper and are much more intangible than any particular achievement. It is often the process of getting somewhere, not the WHERE, that the meaning is found. So in fact, you seem very aware. Is it possible that this alone could hold some meaning for you? Is it possible you've been looking for meaning in the wrong places, and that contrary to the idea that the bigger you think (as many people do), in your case it might be the smaller things that will get you closer to meaning?

 

I find that my soul thrives best on little flecks of meaning in life -- moments when I find not a mark to make with others, but a mark that something has made on ME. What sorts of things make a mark on YOU? That should be the focus rather than what sort of mark you should make on the WORLD. So perhaps you have it backwards. Find the things that make a mark on YOU, no matter how small, no matter how trivial, and then see how you can find more and more of those instances happening. Create the circumstances so that you can experience those times more often. To hell with what sort of "impact" this all makes on the grand scheme, make this your own sanctuary of a private investigation.

 

As for your quote above, in what way do you feel yourself to be "too connected"? And how would you think more disconnection would help? I think you may be on to something, if you can identify it. Perhaps the suggestions we have made about what that means is only part of it. What does it mean for YOU?

 

Also, sometimes it is so easy to get wrapped up in the mundane things that those moments for meaning get lost, so it is important to find something that has NOTHING to do with your daily cares and efforts to make an impression, get ahead, or go through the routine. For example, if you love dogs, how about doing volunteer work with dog training for the frail and elderly? There is this program we have where I live where specially trained "buddy" dogs get to visit for an hour with people who are lonely and housebound. Imagine if you could be a trainer and have a chance to see play in such a way as meaning, instead of trying to find meaning in the "serious" things, or with "work" and the obvious. Look for surprises and the unobvious ways to find something like this that relates to an interest of yours, even if it is an outlandish idea! But it has to be something easily started, so it doesn't require tons of work, it just requires finding it in the local directory and giving it a try -- knowing this is PLAY, not work, not some big production at "success." Take the pressure off of yourself to make something of yourself and little things will pop up along the way. The dog training was just something I thought of now, an an example, but I'm sure you can come up with many possibilities if you are creative. The only criteria you should have is that it will feel more like play and less like work; that it will involve you taking a bit of an active role where you have some latitude to add your own flair (since you are in the military, it is important to find an activity where you can be expressive of your own personality and give it your own personal touch), and that it involve something ideally that contacts other living things, be that animals, plants, people or other things in nature. Or it can be something of a creative bent, like volunteering to guide tours around a museum. Or reading to kids in an afterschool program, if you like to read and ham it up. One reason I'm suggesting things that relate to other living creatures, such as being in contact with an animal in the dog training example is that you need to find an outlet which will not judge you as people do (and you do yourself) or be in competition with you or let you down. Something alive that is unconditional and just present with you without any demand. And at the same time, you will have a chance to interact with it and see how it can bring some meaning to someone else through your agency and involvement. Or in the case of being a museum docent, it would be a low-pressure situation where you could just shine in helping others to appreciate something that you have learned about. Find anything you love -- animals, antiques, books -- and then find a place where you can make those things an important part of your life, even if a small part of your life for now. Because you are depressed it will be hard to get motivated at first, but you have to take the first step even if you are skeptical. Which is why you need to start small. Forget the "small goals" cliche you hear in therapy which relates to getting ahead in a traditional sense. I'm talking about not getting anywhere, just doing something to do it.

 

Sometimes helping others to find meaning is the BEST way to find meaning for oneself. It is really through the back door, in a way. These are the ways that have helped me the MOST, when I was at a loss in my life. Just as despair is contagious, so is joy and meaning, but you have to expose yourself again and again and again to it until your brain relearns what it feels like. You may not remember it now, as in your post it seems that your mind has blocked out a lot of feeling, but there was a time that you could experience all these feelings. It is just buried in there somewhere. It seems to me that others have let you down a lot in your life, and as another poster has said, you have come into contact with a lot of loss of life. So this is a crossroads of sorts. And you are asking the right questions. Not many people can weather all that and not lose a part of themself along the way. So maybe the meaning for you is finding meaning again. It is not what you thought meaning would look like, it is not what you think others consider it to be like, it is not what you planned, but it is your life and once you start to honor that it is here for a reason, even if you don't know it yet, you can start to make sense of what the purpose is in all this by just unplugging from the expectations and sense of failure. Just throw that all to the wind. As another poster said, you have lived an exceptional life in ways and as a result are in an existential crisis -- which is quite an opportunity.

[veryunhappy12day]

I'll tell you though, tiredofvampires has a more detailed post that may help you. My posts are more abstract, because I look at the overall and explain things that way.

 

That said, I will tell you what I think of what you said in the quote.

 

Maybe "the world" doesn't care, and the world is just a mesh of billions of faceless people. But the individuals that have been remembered over time HAVE cared about others. And that caring led them to become changing powers in history. That's why they were remembered. They touched people. One person is capable of touching countless others throughout history.

 

And maybe the world doesn't care as an entirety. But there are people who DO care, and you have met a bunch right here. Maybe we wouldn't know if something happened to you. We don't know your real name, or what you look like. We could not remember these things about you when you are gone. But that doesn't mean we won't remember you at all. And years from now we may think: Whatever happened to him. We may even think: I really hope he's okay, and he found peace and happiness in life. Right now we want to help help you. We care about what happens to you, even though we don't know you more than what you have shared with us.

 

Everybody fails at something. I fail to be of help to some people. And I do help others. Just because I fail at something doesn't mean I give up trying. Even if I fail most of the time, I will always do what I think is right. And that will mean I won't regret what I did, whether I thought I failed or not.

 

Consider this, Gandi could have thought he failed as he died and realized that things were just as bad. People would always be violent and take advantage of each other. But he would have been wrong. Because so many people have been touched by his message that otherwise would never have seen what he saw and dreamed what he dreamed for the world if he had just assumed he'd fail and given up.

 

There are no complete victories one way or the other. There are only the individuals that can add up to be a world over time.

[Bonzophuebes1]

Ghandi! Yes, however, he left a an impact on millions, millions followed him. No one follows me, and if they did I would get them lost. Yes, someo of you may say whatever happened to that guy? I wonder if he is ok! However, what does that do for me and how I feel about my contribution to this world? So many people have come and gone in this world and no one knew them. They just were! I do not want to be one of those people, I want to be remembered for something. I want to contribute to this world in some fashion. I want to know that I was not just another person who lived and died without affecting the world, You mentioned Ghandi, I would love for that to have been me, or maybe Dr. King, or Elvis. Maybe I need to go teh other route, maybe I need to be Hitler, or Manson. Maybe I have been trying ti impact the world in a positive way when I am suppose to impact it in a negative way. I dont know. I just know that the current status quo is not right. It is just not right.

[ycmanvs]

Like I said earlier, you are having an existential crisis. You have basically figured out that life is meaningless. You said you enjoy golfing alone. There is nothing wrong with that. Solitary activities can be quite rewarding in and of themselves. You are in your 30's and you are at a point in life where you have seen enough to understand the reality of your existence. What you choose to do with this life from now on is really up to you. Don't look for external validation because you will probably not get it.

The fact that you are here on this board, asking these kinds of questions will affect a few people, so consider this a starting point of sorts. Am I making any sense?

[Bonzophuebes1]

Yes, I like Golfing alone, in fact I prefer to be alone all the time and my wife knows about my struggles, we do tlak and she wants to help but cannot. She gives me space, but at what cost? I just want to be alone all the time. i use to be the party animal, the life of the party and comic releif, now, i just wnat to go home and lock up the doors and do, nothing really. Just sit there with my depression. Letting it consume me.

My bare feet walk on the grass:

Stepping on stones, I hope the pain will pass.

Creeping up to my bed,

I stare at me while I sleep.

I reach down and touch my forehead,

it feels so cold, I begin to weep.

 

Passing by a mirror,

I stop and look at me.

I stare in fear,

wondering who it is looking back at me.

I notice the mirror image leave

and my soul has lost its sleeve.

 

The sound of a gunshot fills my ears,

I pull my hands up to cover the noise.

I see the blood bleed from my heart,

dripping to the ground with an echo.

I fall to the ground and clutch my heart

but is has been chained from the start.

 

I cry out to me as I try to take my life.

Not getting through, I now see me die.

I reach for my hand but it slips by.

I watch myself hit the floor,

my eyes begin to close.

Where i'm going, nobody knows.

 

I watch my soul get ripped from my heart,

the barbed wired around it is now my home.

I try to break free,

the wire digs into me.

So confined, cannot get out.

This pain is too much to bare.

 

I watch the preacher say a prayer

as he raises his hands to the sky.

He says "Lord as you take this child"

I turn and look at the ground,

I see a coffin under a shady tree.

I move closer to see, I begin to cry

when I see it is me.

 

So empty is my spirit

as I watch it fly in confusion.

No knowing whether to up or down.

Crying it falls to the ground.

I run to help me face my fear,

by the time I reach me, I disappear.

 

Now I see me in the grave,

the dirt begins to fill the hole.

I try to get out but I am not that strong.

The light I saw has now turned black.

I have watched myself die,

I am never coming back.

[ycmanvs]

I completely understand how you feel. Solitude can be comforting, but at this point it sounds like you are depressed, so it might help if you force yourself to get some exercise. It should elevate your mood, at least temporarily. Go for a run or bike ride. Do something active, even if alone. You need to seek some help even if you think it is useless....

[Bonzophuebes1]

I am going in for my 3 reconstructive surgery on my knee in 5 weeks, canot run. Golf and bowling are about all I can do.

[ycmanvs]

I am going in for my 3 reconstructive surgery on my knee in 5 weeks, canot run. Golf and bowling are about all I can do.

 

Can you swim? Walk? Bowling is good, golfing too....the fact that you are having surgery soon might also be contributing to your current emotional state.

Do you meditate? Do yoga?

[Bonzophuebes1]

HHAHAHAAH, YOGA. I cannot even touch my toes. I am not so limber, 5 prior surgeries have made that nearly impossible. HAHAH. Ahh, I needed a laugh. thank you, although I know it was not meant to make me laugh but, it did. Serendipitous I think. I meditate all the time, when I am alone. I think I need to get hammered, its been a while..

[ycmanvs]

HHAHAHAAH, YOGA. I cannot even touch my toes. I am not so limber, 5 prior surgeries have made that nearly impossible. HAHAH. Ahh, I needed a laugh. thank you, although I know it was not meant to make me laugh but, it did. Serendipitous I think. I meditate all the time, when I am alone. I think I need to get hammered, its been a while..

 

Well, there are some yoga poses that do not involve legs. There is even office yoga. It's just a way to get some exercise without any impact. You just stretch as much or as little as you want. Drinking is only a temporary solution, so I am not going to tell you to do it, but you are an adult after all and if you feel like having a drink, who am I to stop you? Did you celebrate the 4th?

[Bonzophuebes1]

Well, I was off work if that counts. Went and saw Die hard 4 and then got a frozen pizza from target with some wine and watched a french movie at home. That was it. Celebrated by doing pretty much nothing.

[ycmanvs]

Actually that sounds like a fun day if you ask me. Were you all alone or with your wife? Did you enjoy any part of that?

[Bonzophuebes1]

I was with the wife. Although, I would have preferred to be alone. It is crazy, I grew up alone, trying to fit in and be the life of the part and be noticed and to find love unconditionally. That is what all my writing was about, all my dreams. Now, I have a wife that will not leave me no matter what, I am truly blessed there but now, I want to be alone, left alone by all to just wallow in my self pity. I enjoy it so much. I just hate being around people. I hate it. I wish I was alone.