My first post

[ycmanvs]

LOL, I agree with you. Anyway, how close are you to your wife? Do you feel like she understands your predicament? Truly understands who you are? It sounds like even though you are spending time with her, you are not really bonding with each other in any meaningful way. Then again, depression does change your perception of the world and your place in it and it makes it hard to communicate with loved ones. The fact that you called her "the wife" speaks volumes of your emotional detachment.

[Bonzophuebes1]

I do not know what you mean but speaking volumes, I could say her name but then you may not know who she is. So, I say wife. My sweet cheeks, MON PETIT CACAHUETE as I say. No, she does not understand why I am this way and wants to help and will do whatever I ask of her. She wants to help so bad, all I say is there is nothing she can do. We talk, and I tell her what I am feeling and I tell her that I prefer to be alone most of the time and she doesnt understand but will work on it with me, she gives me space and allows me to be alone but at what cost to her, can I merely end a relationship because I want to be alone? Sounds selfish. I wonder at times, how long we will last. I wonder.

[ycmanvs]

You said THE wife, not MY wife, that is what I meant. You sound detached when you refer to her in that way. Just because you tell her what is going on does not mean that you feel an emotional connection to her. How do you feel about her? Do you love her? Can you feel love when you are feeling the way you say you are feeling? How long have you two been together? What was you relationship like when things were going well?

Is this the depression talking? or is there more to it? Only you know the answers.

[Bonzophuebes1]

The Wife and MY wife are semantics. Mean nothing. I hear people and myself all the time when referring to THE WIFE about whatever. Me and THE WIFE are coming over for the BBQ etc. I think I force myself not to love her, knowing that I do. She keeps me grounded. She keeps me from doing things that I know are destructive but would do if I were alone, drink etc. I know this all stems from my lack of feeling like I matter to the world, wanting more out of life and not able to get it, even though I dont know what I want more of besides money. Who doesnt want more? Yes, I love her. I know she will never do me wrong on purpose and will always be there to hold me if needed. This is about me, not her, my feeling affect this I know but I know if I were happy with me, she is the one I would want. Since I am not happy with me, I want no one, I want to wittle away in my own solitude.

[ycmanvs]

Aha, so it is the depression talking then. I am glad we figured that much out so far. I saw on another thread that you are being evaluated for bipolar depression, which would explain why at times you have been the life of the party while now you are feeling like being all alone. It also would explain why medications for unipolar depression do not help you in the long run. It would also make sense that the lack of exercise and stimulation would bring you down. I can only hope that you overcome your displeasure for therapists and try to find a mental health professional who specializes in your particular type of depression. You are very high functioning, so you will need a therapist that is at least your intellectual equal. sometimes that can be hard to find, hence your disappointment so far. With a little research, you may be able to find someone who can truly help you.

[Bonzophuebes1]

Thank you,

Yes, I have a long running dislike for therapist. My best friend is a psychologist and since we grew up together for the last 14 years, he really is no help. In a good way though. He knows me to well and it just doesnt work. I have talked with him before. It is quit funny you say I need a therapist that is my intellectual equal. I have never heard that one before. I am no brainiac by any means. Street smart, YES

[Bonzophuebes1]

Wrong button. Street smart yes, book smart no. Though i read alot, mostly non fiction stuff and it helps me to leave my world for a different one, although I wouldnt say a better one considering what I read. Gritty forensic crime novels and alot about the Templars as they are very interesting to learn about. I just dont see use in talking to people about my problems and lack of happiness. I guess you would wonder why I am here at this site then, honestly, I do not know. A friend who posts here told me to check it out. That person will remain annonymous. I guess, I am just lost, never to be found. I think I missed my century, I should have been born about 400 years ago.

[ycmanvs]

Well, I have friends who are psychologists and friends who are psychiatrists and the problem is whenever they need to talk to someone, it is very hard for them to find help because they already know what is wrong and they know what types of things a therapist can and cannot do. However, it is not impossible to find someone who is a good match. It just takes a little more research than just getting a referral from your physician. Who does your friend go to? Maybe he can find a good match for you.

Ultimately, you have to help yourself, but having an objective party with some training in these matters can be helpful. I find it odd that I am the only one responding to your posts today. I saw some people had things to say early on but now it seems that no one has any more advice.

I think your type of situation is much more common than most people are willing to admit. That is probably why psychiatrists have one of the highest suicide rates of any profession. No one has all the answers. We are all just trying to make it one way or another.

[Bonzophuebes1]

Maybe most people have meaningful jobs, or at least busy jobs and cannot post till later. I dont know. My situation is common huh? I feel sorry for them. I mean, like I said in another post, We are what our lives so far have been made up of and alot has happened to me in my life that I would not wish upon anyone. I am sure we all have things like that, no one is worse off than another it is life. How you deal with it, I just dont want to anymore.

[ycmanvs]

Well, you must deal. Some things you just have to accept. Things will eventually get better. Your poetry is very good. Please post some more poems. Have you tried publishing any of it?

[Bonzophuebes1]

I have published 3 poem. The national library of poetry anthologies. So, anyone can be published. Nothing that is worthy of saying yeah I was published. If you go here you can listen to songs I wrote and had a guy I know record them with the melody I created. very rough recordings. There is also 2 other poems on the site that I wrote.

 

link removed

[ycmanvs]

I could not listen to the file but I did read the words. Do you only write when you are depressed? Some of the best art was created by people who were dealing with depression.

[Bonzophuebes1]

No, I write whenever I can. I havent written in a while though. It seems I only wirte about the darker side of life and I am tired of that. Although I come up with some good stuff and sounds good. I am one of the rare writers who actually likes his work. However, it all seems redundant though.

[Bonzophuebes1]

Yeah, Sylvia Plath and Poe, Emily * * * *enson are some of my favs.

[ycmanvs]

They are very good writers that resonate some of your thoughts. You might want to read some lighter stuff, like David Sedaris or Augusten Burroughs who write about dark subjects, yet find humor in them.

[Bonzophuebes1]

I will write those names down and look em up. Thank you.

[ycmanvs]

Some of their subject matter is a bit controversial....abuse, homosexuality, etc....but despite all types of adversity, they still manage to walk away amused.

[Bonzophuebes1]

Interesting, I jsut researched Sedaris and it says that some of the things he wrote he exaggerated for comic effect. Although no one is sure. He also said that he turned down a movie deal for one o fhis books stating he was afraid how it will portray his family. Well, I find that odd, if it is the truth, then what are you hiding then? HMM.

[ycmanvs]

Well, one of his sisters is an actress and a comedian. She also talks about their life. However, they do have other siblings that are not in the public eye. I don't think all the family members would appreciate being portrayed on the big screen. Somehow books are more easily accepted by family, but movies are not.

[Bonzophuebes1]

IF your going to publish a book about yourself and your life and you include your family, what is the difference with have a movie to go with it?

[ycmanvs]

A different demographic will go see a movie, as opposed to read a book. There may be some overlap but not always. Movies and actors can make a book come alive but if the author is not comfortable with that, he has the choice of not selling the movie rights to his book. You don't have to understand his motives, it's what he chooses.

Augustan Burroughs's book Running with Scissors was made into a movie recently. It was not nearly as successful as the book and one of the families portrayed in the movie was very offended by it.

[Bonzophuebes1]

Well, i know what you mean cause one of my favorite books is A PRAYER FOR OWEN MEANY by John Irving and the movie called SIMON BIRCH was utterly horrible.