'Shy Girl' Can't Show Affection, But Good at Criticising

[CrapAtNC]

Hoping some of you can offer some insight here.

 

My ex and I broke up several times, and it was always because I felt she didn't really like me. You see, she just can't show affection very readily. But each time we broke up, she was devestated, and it was only at these times that she hinted she even liked me.

 

She doesn't like to hug much, particularly in public, but she can tell me what she wants during sex. She cannot say nice things (positive comments) to me or anyone, but she can criticize. She cannot reply to the simplest question sometimes, but will happily show her anger when it rears its head.

 

On a side note, she says something happened to her during her childhood that has been affecting her ever since - I understand it involves an incident (not hugely serious, but I understand her distress) with a member of her family. She was also very badly hurt by a break-up three years ago with a boyfriend of five years. She still sleeps hugging his sweater, though she stopped when we were together (once I noticed).

 

She broke up with me several months ago. She said she lost the passion after I broke her heart. She isn't dead set against us getting back together (I have changed the way I respond to her communication problems), but has made it clear she is scared I will hurt her again.

 

So, does this sound about right for a shy girl, or is there something more? How can I help her overcome her shyness, her 'anti-social behaviour', and the sadness it causes her? And how can I get her to share her positive feelings as well as the negative ones?! Basically, how can I encourage her to share her feelings, her heart, and her life instead of hiding behind a wall?

 

I love this girl very much, but I feel I have encouraged the poor social skills by accepting them and allowing her to carry on without making efforts to overcome them. What are your thoughts?

 

Many thanks!

[RedSoxFan84]

Obviously, I haven't met the two of you, but by going on personal experience...

 

I'd imagine it's her way from distancing herself from you...perhaps it's her way of proving to herself that she really doesn't need you, even if she really does.

 

Her criticizing could be due to a variety things, one of them most likely being to test her limits with you (ie saying "I hate you" to see how you would react). She might be thinking to herself, "If he still wants to be with me after I say [blah blah blah], then maybe he won't hurt me later and maybe he really cares for me, unconditionally."

 

I'd say it's more than just being shy. It sounds like she has a fear of commitment, of being hurt, maybe even the fear that she isn't good enough for you (thus her, probably unconscious, tendency to try and make you feel inadequate, even though it's really her with this problem). This probably all comes from past experiences. I'm not sure what the childhood incident is, but if it was sexual in nature it will be something that will trouble her throughout her life and hinder her ability to trust anyone with her feelings, thus putting on the front that nothing bothers her and the inability to verbalize her emotions.

 

I'm not sure how long you've been together. Perhaps over more time she'll trust you more and come out of her shell. If you really love her you have to patient with her and tell her that you really do love her. Whenever in an intimate/romantic situation, compliment her, tell her how you are feeling. If she laughs it off or tries to ignore or insult you, pretend like it doesn't hurt and continue talking to her.

 

It's not really something you can cure of her, all alone. She has work on it, too. Your being patient and loving her will certainly help a great deal.

 

-- Katie

[ReStLeSs sOuL]

How old is she? If you don't mind me asking.

[CrapAtNC]

She is 31; I'm 39.

 

RedSoxFan84, your post was surprisingly perceptive. You're good at this! I see a whole lot of sense in what you wrote.

 

The bit about limit testing makes a lot of sense (now!). I guess she is testing the water. We are still separated but cleary very close, and we are mildly intimate each time we see each other in private. It is obvious we both have feelings for each other, but she is scared to commit again through fear of getting hurt.

 

I read an outstanding book that has helped me immensely in my relationships with people, and she has acknowledged that I have changed a lot since our break-up; I in no way want to hurt her again, and she knows I will never walk away from her if we do get back together. So far, however, she has not indicated (verbally) that she would like a reconciliatio at this time.

 

What you said about her maybe feeling inadequate was very interesting. I have always looked up to her (she is all I've ever wanted in a woman, except for the moodiness/shyness). But actually I fit perfectly her criteria for an ideal man, and I am very wel known and respected in our community and am often in the media in a very posiive light. I never thought of it like this, but, as you said, maybe she is feeling I'm too good for her (who wouldn't want to believe that?

 

The childhood experience was sexual in nature, and, as you so insightfully stated, she blames it on her inability to trust or forgive people.

 

We met almost exactly one year ago, and we broke up several months ago. I do really love her, and I realise I wasn't being patient with her in the past. I am far more understanding and patient now, though I did tell her last night that I will no longer accept it when she ignores me or is rude to me for no reason. Was that a mistake? I was very nice and reassuring, and told her that in every other way she is wonderful, but that for her sake and mine I can't accept the way she so easily slips into moodiness/depression/rudeness. I said it because I feel I've been encouraging it by being so super nice to her whenever she gets like this (a lot); I have come to the conclusion that I should be encouraging and supporting a more positive attitude instead. I hope I haven't made a mistake in that regard ... it certainly brought her to her senses, and she sat up and talked more, and we ended up kissing.

 

I realise I can't cure her alone nor should I, but I really do not want to see her throw her away a happy future (either with or without me) because of a reluctance to deal with issues from the past. I suggested she seek professional help, and I believe she is considering it.

 

I will continue to be patient and loving, but should I really give her more attention when she is rude to me, or should I let her know that the behaviour is no longer acceptable?

 

Katie, I really appreciate your feedback - thank you so much!

[CrapAtNC]

Seems pretty quiet on the forums these days? Has everyone gone NC on me?

[RedSoxFan84]

Katie, I really appreciate your feedback - thank you so much!

 

You're very welcome, I hope it works out for the two of you.

 

I don't think you should give her more attention when she is rude, but I think remaining positive with her is the best thing you can do, and take it from there.

 

Good luck and let us know how things are going.

 

-- Katie

[CrapAtNC]

I will, and thank you.

[xxcdxx]

I was suggested to read your posts about being nonchalant and found this. I see this was over three years ago, but I'm interested in how this relationship turned out?? I ask because I am that girl. Every single description...I'm "shy" (I'm not shy, I'm just a silent observer that is too critical to be an airheady girl and open my mouth just to have useless chatter), I had a past family "experience" as well, I'm horrible at affection, great at finding fault, slow to trust, I had a boyfriend of 6 years break my heart that I still dream of and cry about because he broke my trust the first time I gave it to someone. And ah yes...testing the waters in my forte. It's ultimately what leads to all my breakups. My dad left right after I was born...plus the other "experience," and so I am conditioned that no matter what, guys are going to leave and hurt me. I "test" guys to see if maybe, just maybe, there will be that ONE that can stick around, see through it, and understand. How long are they supposed to do so? I don't know...a lifetime I suppose My longest lasted 6 years of my torture.

 

Well...enough rambling....how did this turn out for you and the girl?

[CrapAtNC]

Hey, xxcdxx.

 

I just checked out this thread by chance and saw your post.

 

We got back together after I started seeing someone else. She came practically begging. But, of course, as soon as we got intimate again, she hated me.

 

I've had to let her go. I'm still very fond of her and probably love her, truth be told, and we exchange texts maybe once every six months. She's had a number of short relationships since then, and, from what her friend told me, they were as I predicted: guys using her, because she appears to not want commitment. When I started seeing someone very famous over here, she and a friend of hers did some pretty nasty things to try and destroy that. They succeeded, but I forgive her.

 

I can't help her, much as I'd love to, and I came to realise that the best I could do was to leave her alone to work this out for herself. I haven't seen her for more than 18 months.

 

I hope you find a solution to your relationship problem. If you're anything like my ex, you're a great girl behind a barbed-wire fence, wondering why no one wants to love you, when of course there are some who truly do if you only learn which ones to let your guard down with.

[FrogIsFree]

You seem like a very unconditional, giving, accepting person. I do however worry that you are giving in too much to her behaviour which is at times very negative and to some extent actually destructive - that's just my opinion and I don't want to be unkind because I don't know enough about why she is like that - however, I do think that because there are two of you in this relationship, it is important that you are also getting the love and happiness you deserve.., much as you love her so much and want to carry on giving. I also recognise that everyone deserves the time, space and love to get the second or 7th chance they need to develop and grow in to who they really are. It sounds like she is scared of letting you in. The way you describe her is as if she is holding on to a lot of pain and perhaps is having a tough time letting go of it and criticising you is one step further from not letting you in ie pushing you away. I think she might be very frightened.. but do you need to perhaps sit down and talk about this?

Candidly? It seems as if you need this as much as her. You can't help her if she doesn't want to be helped but at the same time, I understand why you want to put in the work.. you love her, and this is a powerful and beautiful thing. I wish you both the very best and hope that you can talk it through and work it out for the better, for both of you.

[superfox]

I'd like to push further on from RedSoxFan, I was like that with my first love. I pushed him away because I had convinced myself that he would leave anyway - my own insecurities about myself, nothing he had done. I had various put downs from a close family member of mine who was convinced he'd dump me as he was so popular and good looking, nice thing to say - NOT! By pushing him away I *thought* that it wouldn't hurt as much when he did leave. Madness I know! So if she's been hurt in the past she probably thinks it'll happen again, by distancing herself she's fake protecting herself from hurt. IMO!

 

I have grown up a hell of a lot since