break up with friend, not boyfriend

[spirited]

A once very good friend and I are not friends anymore. It's a long story, and I've posted about it before, but it's still bothering me. And the thing is, I know I've never been in a relationship before, but this feels to me what I think a break up feels like. And I don't really know how to deal with everything.

 

We became good friends a little bit over a year ago. We were never more than friends. We could never be more than friends because he was gay. But there was so much to our friendship. And in the end, as much as I wish we could go back to how things used to be, I've realized that it's not good for me. I became too dependent on him. I never needed a boyfriend because I had him. I'm dealing with self-esteem issues, and I'm not ready for a relationship. But I didn't have to worry about being lonely because I had my friend. And I was safe with my friend. But I have a tendency to cling. And in a way, he also clung to me. I stopped spending time with my other friends because I always wanted to spend time with him.

 

In the end of spring and summer, things happened. Everything was building up. We have very different personalities. People never understood how we could be so close. We always thought we just had this understanding about each other that no one could ever see. But we were wrong. We had a fight, and we lost all understanding. My friend said it was inevitable.

 

Our other friends try to understand what happened between us, but they don't. They don't see why we just can't go back to the way things were. My friend is tired of talking about everything, and he's willing to just pretend nothing ever happened. But I can't just forget because I know everything is going to happen again. I need to work things out and he doesn't want to. We fought over a month ago, and we're still not really talking to each other.

 

Classes started again recently, and it's weird seeing him in class and not sitting next to him. I miss him. I want things to go back to the way they were before. But then I remember that right now, he's not good for me. He made me cry too many times. And then I think about all the time we spent together and thinking that I wasted my time with him. I drifted away from my other friends because of him. Now I really don't know where I fit in. I'm drifting away from our mutual friends because they spend more time with him now than with me. They don't ask me to go out with them when he's there because they know I feel uncomfortable seeing him. I think they feel like I should just try and forget and be friends again. I just can't do that.

 

This "break-up" is really hurting me. I'm dealing with these issues by myself because my friends think I'm making a big deal out of it. It's also hard when I'm the kind of person that doesn't reach out to people. The person who I used to reach out to was my former friend. I don't have that anymore. To make matters worse, it's gotten harder for me to trust people now because of what happened. I'm starting to get depressed, and I don't know what to do.

[twinstar27]

It is even sadder to lose a friend than a boyfriend, in so many ways. I kind of understand your situation because I'm at the point where things are building up, but my friend is not gay, so it's really tense. However, for my part, I already decided that I could not lose this friendship. So even though I am confused sometimes, and sometimes hurt, I stand by him. I'm not sure what you and your friend fought about, but if you can find it in your heart to forgive him to save the friendship, I would suggest trying. After all, you obviously miss him very much. And him wanting to just forget about it and not talk about it anymore is probably his way of saying he misses you too and wants you in his life, despite the problem. I would give it a chance. Friends...true friends are truly rare. Do what you can to be close to him again. It will make you both feel better.

 

As far as your self-esteem issues, that can also be touchy. I guess I would just suggest doing something you enjoy and learning to be comfortable with yourself and loving yourself for who you are. After all, how can anyone else love you if you don't love yourself first.

 

I hope you feel better soon. Take care and good luck.

[misscitygrl]

it is really hard for me to give u advice because i don't really know the whole situtaion. All i know is that being overly dependent on anyone is not good .....

 

I don;'t like the fact that he has made u cried... friends dont do that but then again i dont know what the fight was about... I have a feeling that u may kind alike him... more then a friend...even though he is gay... if thats the case dont feel bad... i knwo some grls who fall for gay guys thinking they can chage them.... gay guys are so cool caus etey thinking alot like we do and they seem to understand us so well .and they have the added feature of being a guy ....so they can kinda give us both perspectives... i( know, i have a very good gay friend)....

 

anyways .... so i dont know how serious the issue is ...but if its not too bad ...dont shun him out of ur life... maybe things can't go back to the way they were ...but sometimes thats part of life.... live and learn and move on ..... then again m,abe all u guys need is some time apart.... to break the clinging factor before it become more serious.....

see it was an oppotunity to grow and be independent... i sure if u need him he wil be there for u....

 

regardingu being able to trust another well ... trust is earned so mayeb its good that u dont open up ur whole life story to just anyone.. i'm the same way .... but i find what works for me is i tell a little bit to different pp who are not all part of the same "click" that way they just can't get together and spill all they know about me ..............

 

 

sometimes its good to go thru some alone time... its kinda painful but in the end ... when we get thru it we come out much stronger and with a greater appreciation of our strengths and our own company.......

 

 

be strong ...

 

good luck.. hope everything works out for u

[spirited]

Thanks to those who replied. it helps knowing what others think.

 

To answer the question about what happened, here's a long post…

 

Things had been building up. I am willing to admit it is partly my fault. We don't communicate well. I have a tendency to keep everything to myself. There are occasions when I do try to explain how I feel. Certain things had been bothering me at the end of spring. When I tried to explain to him what I was feeling, he didn't understand. He always has to have an answer for everything. He can never be wrong. When I talk to him, it's so hard for me to get a word in. And I got tired. I didn't want to explain myself when it seemed like he would listen. So I tried to forget.

 

I was/am going through a kind of depression. Before I was ever willing to admit it, he knew there was something wrong, and he always took it upon himself to try and cheer me up. He told me he had understood me better than anyone understood me. He made me happy. But he has a tendency to walk over people and he can be so condescending. He can make me feel bad about myself, and maybe he doesn't do it on purpose sometimes, but I'm never going to get through my depression if he brings me down. Some of my friends thought that maybe I liked him which is why I did so much for him and also let him do those things to me. But I never liked him like that. What I wanted was a close friend (I think one of the reasons I was depressed was b/c as a child, I never had a real close friendship, but I always saw friends who had one). I was able to put up with everything he did because he was my emotional support.

 

He's not that anymore. He stopped being that in spring. He purposely distanced himself for reasons I understand but do not think are good reasons. (this is a long story. But even though I can see his point of view, I stand firmly behind my side of the story.) So at times when I really needed him, he wasn't there. And it hurts b/c I have abandonment issues. But this was what I was trying to forget. Considering how close we used to be and all the times we've spent together, I still wanted to be his friend.

 

Things were fine for about another month or so. And for a while, I was happy. I thought I was getting through my depression. And I did it without him. I did it on my own. I started feeling good about myself. At the same time, I started to not like him as much. Since we weren't close anymore, we just spent time in groups, and I've realized that a group of people brings out a side of him that I don't like. He can be rude and mean and loud. I always tolerated it before because whenever it was just the 2 of us, he was different (not as rude or mean). And I think this, plus the fact that all my problems with him (not being able to communicate, him not being there when I needed him) made me resent him.

 

So I realized that I need to talk to him about everything again. And this was the fight. I don't think I ever got to what I really wanted to say to him because he was quick to react and he doesn't listen well. Maybe I hurt his feelings because I told him that I had been questioning our friendship. But when I tried to explain why I felt that way, he went off. At the point when he started to put me down, I realized that I can't be friends with someone who makes me feel like this, someone who makes me cry. So I told him I didn't want to be friends anymore. He made me say it.

 

I heard from a friend that he's tired of talking. He thinks every time we talk, he does something to make me upset. What he doesn't realize is that when we talk, he talks and I don't b/c he won't let me. I know that if I just try to forget what happened, it's going to happen again. I just don't know how we can work something like this out.