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Is it time to begin trying for a reconciliation? Is she better?


benga

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Hello my e-Family!

A thought that has been in my mind for a while. I have been in NC / LC for about 2 months and am feeling a LOT better about myself. Sure there are a few brief moments and a few set backs, but when I look at myself, when I think of myself, when others tell me – I am doing a great deal better. You can look up my details on my other threads, but the gist of it is that I we had been together for 14 years. I am 32, she is 33. Were dating for 6 years and married for 8. Have a gorgeous 3 year old daughter. Great times for 11 years. In 2004, our child was born, her father & grandmother passed away in quick succession and I nearly lost a job due to restructuring. We moved back closer to her family (after the deaths) and we both changed due to the setbacks in our lives. Not that we fell out of love, but just became slightly different to one another. Her father was an emotional anchor and she became self obsessed and wanted to live life her way. I observed these changes and could sense our marriage fall apart. I could understand why she was changing, which resulted in me getting a little short with her at times. And yes, since we had been together for such a long time, I did take her for granted.

 

Ok, the reason I am posting. We have been separated for 6 months. Though we have a daughter, we have been in NC/LC for 2 months (my daughter spends a lot of time, but those pick ups are coordinated by my mother who comes by once in a while to help me with my daughter). I feel a WHOLE LOT better. My self esteem is getting back. I think I want to make an effort to try a reconciliation and I SOLICIT YOU ADVICE.

 

My wife had a lengthy conversation with a common friend last week. 6 hours of intensive chatting. Tears, self pity, flip flopping etc…My wife has told me and everybody that she doesn’t want a divorce. She is not seeing anybody. Over the last couple of years, she felt un-appreciated and ‘taken for granted”. She also feels that I cannot change, but was counselled otherwise. She was told that I have already made some changes. She is also now beginning to realise that it does “take 2 to tango”, though she cannot really pin point her mistakes. All this while, it was “he said this”, “he said that”, “he didn’t do this”, “he should have done that”, “he pushed me”, “how can I forgive him”, “he cannot change” etc…. But from what I was told, she is at least thinking on these lines… I don’t know as I have had no contact.

 

She has a large ego and is stubborn so I guess she will not reach out, even though she knows that some about of the bridge has been burnt. But I realize that there is too much at stake. I am willing to swallow some amount of pride and make one last attempt. Marriages ought to end, only once you have tried EVERYTHING to save it. It would be a shame ending this because of ego.

 

I NEED YOUR INPUTS/ADVICE ON A PLAN. I was thinking of doing NC for another month. Towards the end of June, I thought I’d write her a letter, letting her know that I am doing just fine and that life will carry on irrespective. Since we have such history and have actually shared wonderful times together. It would be a shame to let it all just go, but if it has to, then so be it. It would also be great if we could just talk once in a while. I am not interested in being a friend, but for the sake of our daughter at least talk once in a while. Ask her out for dinner and lets just see how things go from there!!!

 

Your collective pearls of wisdom would be hugely appreciated.

 

PS: I don’t see too many success stories on this site, but I do pray for one!!

 

Thread thrown open to you..

 

God Bless

Benga

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Hi Benga, your story sounds very similar to mine regarding break-up. I am at about 3 months now. My first question is why you can't pick your daughter up yourself. I think that this is the first step inorder for re-con. I lernt a while back that we can't tell someone we have changed but just show them. If you start picking your daughter up, then hopefully your ex will see the new you. I don't tell me ex what i would have normally of told her (re attitude to things and what i have done thats thoughtfull) but i know that she still has found out. I can tell she enjoys my company but i do not show any feelings towards re-con. And to be honest as much as i would like it, i can take it or leave it. I feel like a new person having lernt things the hardway, i feel like i am in my early twenties again, which i was when we fell in love. That is the same for you so i would suggest upping the contact and take it from their once that is going well.

 

Good luck mate

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Thanks Advice.

Just to clarify, my mother coordinates the pick up, I do the physical picking up! Its strange that each time I go, my wife locks herself up in the room or isn't at home. Leaves my daughter with her mother.. Strange behaviour which I cannot understand. There was no abuse in our relationship.. EVER..

 

guys - need your opinion quite urgently...

 

Cheers

Benga

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There is one of two reasons why she is not there when you pick your daughter up. Either she doesn't want to see you cause it will open up a wound, or she hates you. Now going off what you have said, there is no way on this earth that she hates you so thereforeeee she must be forcing herself to stay away. I can't see another solution but for you to be forward in this. You would need to be carefull because it is high risk, you may get rejected again. I would ask the person that liases with your ex if your ex can be about the next time you pick your daughter up, as you would like to have a chat with her. Don't say what it's about and leave it at that. This infomation will be leaving your ex curious as to what you want to chat about and thereforeeee she should agree to it. Once you have that arranged you will have to come up with something that is not relationship and obviousley going to cause an argumant. Don't worry about the conversation yet though cause that is a separate issue. You need for her to agree to talk first.

 

Please bare in mind that i am no expert and am still also in relativley early stages of break up so would look at what other people have to say

 

Good luck and all the best

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thanks buddy!! what you say makes sense. I will give it some more time. Another month I think. She has gone on vacvation with her brother, wife and all the kids. I think she needs to get out so she is able to reflect.

 

I will take it slow and easy!

 

Cheers

Benga

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