After 21 years!

[mcneil613]

I need to get this off my shoulders and I need help! I have been struggling with this for almost 6 months now. I have been married for 21 years and have 2 adult children. Last July my husband said, "I love you but I am no longer in love with you." I tried to work through this with him and it became to much for me emotionally. I truly love this man with all my heart but I had to go. I moved out for 3 weeks. During this time he called me several times a day from work just to chat, then after work he always wanted to meet with me until finally he asked me to come back home. I knew I would as soon as he asked. He said he wanted to make it work. For the last 4 months we have got along great, we are like best friends. Arguments have never been a problem for us so we really have been getting along fine. I knew things were not the same, I feel unloved and lonely even though we spend all of our free time together. I told him this and he said it was because he still didn't feel in love with me. He claims he does not want a divorce and prefers to go on like we are because he loves me so much, just not in love. I am so confused. I am trying to act like it is not bothering me and have started to do things alone. He questions me alot because he is use to knowing where I am 24 hours a day, I try to be evasive, I don't know if this is the right thing to do or not. I really love this man but I am at a loss as to what I can do to make things better. You can tell he is conflicted so that leads me to think that there is hope for my marriage. We still have great sex but it is the simple touch, the words ,"I love you" and the unexpected hugs that I miss and yearn for. No arguments, great sex and best of friends! There is no 3rd party involved. Is this a midlife crisis? We are both 40 yrs. old. His mother passed away shortly before all of this started, could this be related? How can this be happening and what can I do to save this marriage? Any advice appreciated!

[SwingFox]

Hi there,

 

I am so sorry that you feel the way you feel. I can imagine and understand that you feel very, very confused. In your place I would have felt the same way.

 

This might sound a little strange coming from me. I am 30, single and never have been married, but I advise you to talk to your husband. Obviously you are still on great terms. For you to feel more secure, it is important to know what he expects out of your marriage right now. You also need to find out what YOU expect out of your marriage. Compare his needs with yours and see if that is sufficient basis to move on like you do now.

 

It might be a temporal thing indeed, like you suggested. For you I hope it is, because it looks like that you have been happy for 21 years. I would ask him, if he might be interested in getting counseling to find out why he feels the way he feels right now. Counseling is not just for crazy people. Your husband will benefit from counseling, because hopefully he will find out why he feels the way he feels.

 

I hope this is of help for you and I wish you good luck and support.

 

~ SwingFox ~