Should he stay or should he go?

[jwsthe3rd]

I've been dating this guy on and off for 2 months now. We dated one month, commited for a week, I broke up with him during an argument, then we decided to date for awhile instead. I care for him a lot, and he says he cares for me too, but sometimes he doesn't meet the expectations that I have. I'm 26, he is 32, he works a lot, has a 10 year old son, and we live 40 minutes away from one another. These factors, along with the fact that he is usually broke (he's in debt and has to provide for his son), makes it difficult for us to have a relationship. He is the type that has a hard time expressing his feelings vocally and affectionately, while I am the opposite. I'm the sensitive, emotional, sometimes needy type. Although, if he's been drinking heavily he can tell me things he can't tell me when he is sober. He also has a hard time making conversation with me (Example: I ask how his day is, but he fails to ask me how mine is.), which sometimes makes me feel like he just doesn't care or is too self-absorbed/wrapped up in his problems to be interested with me and my life. I like for a guy to call me a couple of times a day, sometimes give me flowers/cards/wine, anything small and sweet to show that he cares. I happily do it for him, but expect something in return on occasion. It doesn't even have to cost anything, just write me a note or something. Is that too much to ask? I told him that I wanted more romance, he got angry and felt like I was trying to change him. We've had a few arguments over this. He says that I need to understand that I'm not the only person in his life, that he is struggling financially, and that he can't do all the things for me that I do for him because he can't afford it. On the positive side, he makes me laugh, cooks amazing dinners for me, and we are very physically attracted to one another, having a great sexual chemistry. He's a very simple man and I believe I am a more complex. He doesn't need much from a partner to be happy, whereas I do. I've been single for three years now, waiting for someone to come along, and he's the second guy I've met who wants some of the same things that I want, most importantly being a steady solid relationship. Most of the other gay men I've met aren't looking for a commitment or they pretend to be interested but sleep around behind my back. Are my expectations too high, or should I stick it out and try to grow accustomed to him? Does it sound like I am settling out of lonliness?

 

P.S. - Sometimes I think he has a fear of intimacy, expecially since he has been cheated on many times before. Also, we are both somewhat insecure people, with some self-esteem issues. I figured it would be good for us to be together, to life one another up, but maybe I am wrong. I guess some of these things keep me hanging on too. I'm hoping that he will begin to fall madly in love with me and want to spend time with me as much as I want to be with him, and that he will eventually learn to feel comfortable with giving affection back to me, but I am probably just lying to myself to prolong misery and heartache.

[Paradigm1607307567]

I say this about women, and it's true for men. Don't date them if they have kids!

 

The debt is probably something you could look past if you truly wanted to be with him. If you're dead set on dating him, confront his fear of intimacy. There is nothing he can do about his debt that he's not already doing.

 

My advice..... no kids!

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone

 

this is a lot of problems for only dating 2 months! I think if you have to "force" things, then it really isn't right. 2 months is supposed to be the honeymoon period, and if you are already feeling ignored and neglected, then he probably isn't right for you. I am concerned about his drinking. And not being kind to you.... well, it sounds like you two are not a good match.

 

I know it must be frustrating, but I believe there is someone out there who is better for you.

 

good luck

[Marc780]

You sound really torn so maybe you should just back off for a while. He sounds awfully put upon for being only 32 and there is only so much you can do about it. I'd cool it for a little while and see which way its gonna go before you kick him to the curb. If things seem impossible after say maybe a year at most, then maybe its time to cut your losses as that point.

[Mrs Elliott Smith]

If you're having doubts this early on in the relationship, then my advice would be to end it now. There is a high possibility, if you were to continue to stay with him, that you will toy with these doubts way into the future. Then, before you know it, you're with him for a few years and it will be even more difficult to leave him.

 

That's just my take on it.

[dawn515]

I concur with the above -- it should not be this complicated now, just two months in. There are way too many problems for such a new relationship.

 

Also, it sounds as though you two are not very well matched. You are looking for a particular something, wanting this man to fulfill it, and it sounds as though he just isn't it.

 

Best of luck!

[jwsthe3rd]

It's over now. We both decided that it was for the best to end the relationship. I am sad and upset, but I will be okay. I'm going to miss him. Thanks for all your help guys.

[annie24]

aw. I'm sorry to hear this. thanks for the update. Really, I do think that there is someone out there that is more compatible for you, and you will find him. just keep getting out there.