What can I do to help myself?

[1st_time_heartbreak]

I'll try to make this a short as possible...I posted this a few months ago in the infidelity section, but I have decided that it isn't really infidelity. Basically, at the end of April, I discovered that my husband was having a secret friendship with another married woman for an entire month without my knowledge. They were talking/texting/emailng every single day. When I discovered this, I went through and read all their text messages on his phone and they were pretty innocent and casual. They met once for coffee so he could get some books back from her that he lent her 10 months earlier(we all worked together at this temporary job last year and that's how they know each other and why he contacted her in the first place.)

 

I confronted him about it, and it turns out that instead of having this simple argument about trust and honesty, we have this huge 4 day fight/discussion where I discover that he is miserable, sad, hates his career, he is burdened and weighed down by things that are just everyday life to normal people, fells like he never got the chance to find himself, and is ultimately clinically depressed. So, now he is in therapy and is on anti-depressants, and is working his way through his problems which are huge and life altering. I realize that this is going to take A LOT of time and work on his part, and that I need to be patient, supportive, and understanding.

 

I read up on depression, and I have been actively trying to give him his space, get him out to socialize, giving him small presents and love notes and being as romantic as I possibly can to try to get back the chemistry he says we lack, etc. for the last 3 weeks, with very little response from him, so it's really kind of hard for me to do this.

 

The point is, when I found out about his secret friendship, I was hurt that he didn't trust me or know me well enough to understand that I would NEVER prevent him from having a friend. He wasn't cheating on me, but he felt he had to lie to me because he "didn't know how to bring it up." Then he offered to end their friendship even though I told him not to do that because he "thought that was what I wanted to hear." Well, he did for 2.5 weeks, and then he contacted her and I saw the text messages that she replied back to, but he had erased his from his phone. I don't think he realizes that the phone saves both incoming and outgoing. I was waiting for him to tell me about it, but he didn't, so he lied to me again and I confronted him about it, AGAIN. In the end, I decided to stop checking his text messages and give him my blessing to be friends with her as long as he didn't lie to me. His exact words back to me when I told him all of this was "OK."

 

I am truthfully not alright with them being friends and him talking to her everyday, which I'm not sure he does anymore, because I stopped spying on him (which by the way, I have never done anything like that in the 8 years that we have been together before). It's not that i think he is going to be unfaithful to me, physically or emotionally. I just feel sad and insescure when I think about it. I feel that there is an emotional disconnect between us which I am desperately and blatantly trying to bridge, but I think that he is currently ill-equipped to handle my grievances and problems, so I have just sucked it up and pretended that I am just doing great.

 

Well, I'm not doing great. I'm utterly miserable. The weekend that I was discovering he was clinically depressed, he said some things to me that were just shocking and hurtful, and truly, for the first time in my life, I felt heart broken. Ever since that weekend, I have cried by myself every single day for the last 7 weeks. This is a little humiliating for me, and completely out of character. My husband has agreed to also go to marriage counceling with me, and I am trying to find one, but no one has called me back in 3 days. Maybe they'll call me back next week. The sooner, the better as far as I'm concerned.

 

I am a very practical person, and I am patient, and I know that I need to be strong and not take things so personally. I'm only human though, so my feelings are valid. I would like to know what it is I can do to stop crying everyday...should I take up some new hobbies or what? Also, what are my boundaries as far as what can I ask of my husband? If I ask him to wash the dishes, will he dutifully obey but be irritated and hate me for making his life so difficult? If I tell him my honest feelings, he gets really defensive and angry, which later turns into resentment even though he won't admit it. I can clearly feel it. Also, it adds to his burdens. Lastly, i need to feel secure again. How do I rebuild my confidence in his love for me. I feel neglected and as if I am the only one making an effort to make amends. I feel like my husband is sincerely trying to do the right thing, but does not have the capacity to give me what I want right now. What can I do about it to help myself?

 

Thanks. Sorry this was so long.

[friscodj]

Hey 1st-

 

Let me say that I commend you for your efforts here. Your husband is lucky to have someone as caring, dedicated, strong, and generally as awesome as you for his wife. You are really trying here and I applaud that.

 

I think your idea of picking up a hobby is a great idea. Find something you enjoy, something that makes you happy outside of the relationship to serve as an escape from it and the associated stress, etc. Find your life outside of the relationship and that of your husband's life. Learn to and enjoy being passionate again and finding happiness. What is it that you always wanted to do? Always wanted to try? Perhaps something you once found passion in and let go of?

 

At any rate, this would be the first step and will serve as an investment in yourself no matter the outcome of the relationship or the status of your husband. You will always have "you" and now is a prefect time to work on "you". Doing so will inherently give some space and distance to your husband as well, let the situation breathe a bit, and hopefully things will improve.

 

But let's worry about the situation, the relationship later. Now is time for you and a reconnection with some happiness in your life.