poppyseed

WOW, I never expected to get such a response and so fast! You know what, everbody that thought I wrote this about myself to vent is right. And it worked! But, I am still a little confused as to why he changed like that, and if I were to say this is what he did to him you better believe he would turn that back on me. I hurt his feelings or am dramatic or something. Do you want a timeline? Steps 1-3 took about 4 years, step 4 about a year, step 5 was the day after Xmas (he didn't show up for Xmas)and step 6 is in action. So in total to gain complete and utter power over your "loved one" took up to 5 years or longer out of their life. Im starting to move on, but boy is it a winding path of anger, hate, love and cofusion. You know, his sister did something similar to her ex of 5 years, his mother cheated on his dad and divorced him...she used to tell my ex that our relationship was one of many and he shouldn't invest so much in it...ah psychology.

1) Establish trust Create a true lasting friendship while making her feel beautiful and most importantly, UNIQUE! 2) She is perfect for you! Fall deeply in love with her, refuse all attempts at breaking your bond (If you haven't already made love, make sure to do so now and continue through until step five with varying degrees of interest). 3) Be Soul Mates Prolong this state of intense need for each other as long as you can possibly stand it. You will do anything for each other, and she is adorable. Compliment her as much as you can, and never forget to say I love you! No one can come between you now. Spend as much of your free time with her as possible. However, let her frustrate you a little about other people in your life or some other aspect that will never change, but pretend she is more important. At least for now! 4) Grow Distant This is where it starts to hurt. Start to pull away, but deny any loss of affection. Become slightly disenchanted with some of your common interests. Become close with another friend and do not hold your time with her at such high priority. Flaws in the relationship, how ever small, are making you unhappy or stressed. Make her paranoid; do you really love her? You say yes, but occasionally threaten to end the relationship. It is too intense at this time in your life. Be cold as she struggles to keep you. Let her do herself in by growing bitter at times or annoying you by begging for attention. Even she will begin to see herself as needy or unreasonable. 5) The Big Drop You are almost done! Make her feel disrespected. Do not show up on a special day, and watch her freak! She will pick the fight and then you are in like sin, or out rather! You are fed up this is it! Relationship over! You can't take anymore and you don't want this in your life. Make all the excuses you want and don't you dare cry a drop. But, you still want to be friends, and you mean it. Why not keep reaping the benefits of a loyal companion? 6) She is a goner! BUT STAY FRIENDS (this is the heart of the trick) No one can make it through this unscathed. You are still best friends, despite the sudden drop in time spent together, and the HUGE insult on her character. You need time to yourself, but make sure to make guest appearances and eat at her house, sleep on her sofa etc. Also, implant seeds of hope and simultaneously squash the buds. Be angry when she questions you, but cry a bit once and a while. Admit you miss some of what you had, but you don't want to be with anyone right now! But, you don't love her anymore. Why? You don't know, you thought you had true love, but you guess not anymore. CONFUSE HER! Tell her you think she is beautiful, if you would date anyone right now it would be her. But, you probably will never fall in love with her again. You can't go on with out her friendship though! Congratulations! You have now made a girl feel desperately hopeless! She may consider looking to other guys for affection, but the past you created with her will nag at her heart for a long time!

I have posted about my ex a few times before. To sum up, we were in love for 4 to 4.5 years, then something went wrong (stress and inexperience). Over the last year we tried to hold it together in varing degrees. Last semester (we go to school together) we both were mean to each other, even though we think of each other as best friends. We got strained to the max. Deep down I desperatly didn't want him to leave me, I tried to make it work but also I didn't want to put up with his crap. He was sort of neglecting me and I was trying to push away. Apparently, our firends thought we broke up before we did. I have been in a daze and didn't see what I (and he) was doing and it really just hit me today. Through in the towel yes? No, I can't, not yet. We were each others first, and it did get messy, and he is disenchanted with me as a girlfriend role, but I don't believe this is right. Their is something special and I won't have it destroyed by talking him to death anymore or explainig what we had. But no concact is no good. We were starting to grow apart before, and no contact hurt him and pulled him away more. We made up as friends but I think he fears a relationship with me will be unfun and impossible. He still thinks of me very dearly as a friend and thinks I am very beautiful, and that is how we began. The best thing I did was hang out and have fun a lot after we broke up, the worst was when I begged. The second worst was the we can't be friends right now thing. He already can see me as a platonic friend now, and if I tell him to go away he will just get more hurt and do it. Have I thrown away all my chances? I don't think so. I have dug a deep hole. Can he forget as I did and love me? Does he only need time and to see me as fun and stressfree thing? How long will that take? I can not push time with me upon him, but I must find a way if nothing else to grow close again. I have been told ex lovers can not be friends and I see why, but I refuse it. Life is short and a real friend is rare. How long before someone untainted by history steals his heart? He says he won't be able to date for a long time, is this true? If he thinks me as beautiful as he says, can I take away his fear over time and win his heart with kindness again? I must stay his sweetie even if only in memory. If we part we must not remember each other for the last few months. He says wanted it to work just a bit ago but it was too awekward. He says he probably can not fall in love with me again. Is true love real, if so can it over come with time? Some one please help.

so if you have this magic plan, what is it? I know I still want him, I just don't know if I should. And, say I do get him back, will it be geniune, is any love genuine if you can just mind play people into it? I guess he is manipulting me by being nice enough that I want to be friends, but cold enough that I want nothing else. What exactly do I have to do? Right know I am friendly at school, no contact outside, no talking about "us"

I didn't speak to him in three days after friday, then he called Sunday about our homework. He said "Ill see you tomorrow" I said, no I won't be there Doc. app. (true) he says "Ill see you when you drop off your assignment". I said if you are up yet (he always sleeps in when something is due) I made a point to get in and out of there before he showed up, but I saw his car pull in the garage right on time (didn't see me). If it was important for him to see me in class today, why did he not call to see if I felt ok? I feel like he shit on me and I don't owe him anything. He slept with me, borrowed $300 for his tuition and family's X-mas preasents, then dumped me a week later. The final fight? Well, I was mad cause he didn't visit me on X-mas. You see, last summer I found out he thought I might not be the one anymore. He felt guilty and didn't want break up and did seem like he needed me. OOPS! Here I thought we were working things out , but he was just getting sick of being in a relationship. I refuse to be de-sexed in eyes because of his own "grass is greener on other side problem" And what the **** is up with that X-mas thing? Damn I miss what he used to be and our friendship but I don't even wanna look at him tomorrow URG! I act happy 98% of the time but that just makes him friendlier and me all screwed up in the head. Why won't he believe Im not his friend outside of class? Cause he doesn't deal with his problems till its too late.

I feel for you, I am losing my best friend as well. It is a bit different because we were a couple, but let me tell you why you should listen to what I am about to tell you. We bonded right away and were as close as could be for years, but I think I helped him to much. He began to want independance, thought he didn't need me. Now he says things aren't working. But, I tell you what is, he misses our friendship very much ( we have known each other for 5 years). You say she has no other friends other than her man. I know what this is like it has happened to me over the years. This could be her problem. Maybe she needs some independence. Also, a year and a half is not as long as it seems. You may have been very close, but friendship does not rely on attraction or "love" to last. Friendships are completely about trust and you can't trust her right now. She is not giving you someone to trust, she is hurting and abusing you. Tell her you care about her, but she can not treat someone, especially someone as great as you that way. She doesn't need a restraining order against you. You need to leave her. When she is ready to give up being self centered and cold you can be there for her. For now meet some new people. I am alone right now, even though he needs me because he hurts me too much to give him my friendship. Those who truly care about us wise up, those you care about themselves, we are better off without. If you want to talk, email me email removed

A month and a half ago my boyfriend of 5 years told me he didn't want to be in a relationship. It just didn't feel right anymore. There had been lots of stress for him from family, school and lack of money. I never wanted to add to the burden but somehow I did. He said his life never changes, always the same people and same problems. I suppose I was the only thing he could change. This hurt me grealty. He always told me I was his favorite person and was so beautiful and perfect for him. He even designed his character for his comic after me. Were going to be married then he said he wasn't sure awhile back. I posted awhile ago that he was very serious about that fact that I was his best friend and he didn't want to lose me. He says I am very special and wonderful but we just weren't working anymore as a couple. I made the begging and reasoning mistake. I even tried to kiss him, he said I was being mean because he still found me attractive but didn't want to date. He says he doesn't want to date anyone for awhile but can't promise that we will ever be together again. He says he is jerk and feels guilty. I tell him not to, that I am understanding, things were to stressful. But I think they will be different now that I have forgiven and forgotten things in the past. He says it isn't my fault. That if he dated anyone it would be me. This all makes no sense. I try no contact, he gets his feelings hurt and doesn't understand why we can't be friends. He keeps asking me to do things with him, I do trying to be this friend he needs. But he is not my bestfriend anymore because I feel pain around him. I have all my classes with him and share all my friends. We get along great when I play I don't care. We truly are the best of friends. But yesterday he asked me to cut his hair, it was very long. I did it and began to cry. He looked just as he did when we fell in love. It was too painful and I canceled my plans with our friends and him, stupidly asked if he was sure he didn't love me. He gets all screwed up in the face when I ask and says I guess not, I don't know why. I went home and called him later. He never believes me when I say were done and can't be friends, so I told him he has to believe it now. I told him he doesn't need me, he has plenty of other friends. He said this wasn't true, that he does need me, something he would not admitt right before our break up. Well he knows I am gone know. Today is the day he asked me to be his girl five years ago. Is he sad, numb, angry? Ill never know and I won't see him or speak to him till class on Tues. He says he misses cuddling and parts of our relationship and me, but doesn't know if can ever see me the same again...that is how we left it. Does this kid love me and is just confused? Does he think it needs to feel like the beginning to be true love? He says he is ready to see me with other guys, but of course he will be jealous. I can't take another second, how will I face him in school? Will it take another girl before he realizes he loves me? I will be crushed and gone before that is through. When will I be ready to his friend again? Ever? To lose someone so close is like having a part of you die. He was at my house all the time, was it just an escape? He has not felt it yet because I was there for him. Will he not need me soon? He made no sound when I told him, I asked if he wanted to say anything to me. He said there was nothing to say, I made decision and there was nothing he could do, he said he felt sad. But that is him he complains about pesimisim, but he is a defeatist. His parents gave him no help with college, so I got him in. He gives up. I fight. It is our only true difference. I fear that even if he doesn't learn to live with out me he will never say so, he will assume I am better off.

Thanks everybody for responding so soon. I think both of us need some space. The problem for me is the mutual friends. Our closest friend almost seems happy about our break up because now my ex has more free time. So what right? Well, my ex wants to me to come along like I always did. These two guys and our friend's girl are really the only people me and my ex have been hanging with and now I just can't stand it. It is too painful to be around. I have lost all my friends in one sweep even they all still want me to hang out. I don't feel comfortable calling our friend to hang out either because my ex confides in him. What a mess, never have just one group! How do I stay friends with people and not get cabin fever when I intentionally ignore them?

I met my best friend five years ago on blind date. We were friends right away. We sent lots of emails and had very long phone calls, but only a few scattered dates for about three months before he asked me to be his girl(Valentine's Day). By then we were very close already. Unfortunatley we were only 17 and 16, he was two years behind me in school and neither had a car. We had to rely on our parents for rides and his family disapproved. Soon after I got a car and drove the miles to see him as much as I could. We spent most of our summer together, but work, school and his family made it hard. We have been through a lot together, maybe too much. We thought we had true love. He only became more beautiful to me and he always told me how cute and perfect I was. But, sadly when he started school it began to be too stressful. I only want to bring him happyness but somehow I know stress him as well. We broke up the summer before last and it devastated me. I told him never to speak to me again. But, I was to leave for Maine and couldn't bare going that way. I called him to be friends but he drove over and kissed me and said he had made the biggest mistake of his life. Since then though, it has never been the same. I can't trust his love as I did before, but wanted so much to. Then, last summer he began to act distant and seemingly bored with me. A mutual friend told me he had been curious because had never dated any other girls and major drama insued due our lack of maturity and experience. I wanted too much time with him I guess, to prove we were deeply in love still. It just wasn't fun anymore but I still love him. He didn't come see my family or me again this Christmas even though I go to see his sometimes. I was angery and that is when he finally said it was over. He doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. He still loves me but refuses to be with me right now. I am dyeing inside. He is very serious about me being his best friend and how special I am. He begins to cry when I say I can't see him anymore. But I can't anyway, we share the same friends and most of our classes. Also, he says he wants to be alone but then he will come to my house to stay a few hours. Oddly he often stays all day until I push him out. Everything starts out great, we get along so well, but then I am always torn by my desire. Is his love for me really dead? How can he be so attracted to me and then shut it off? He still says I am beautiful.He says maybe in the future but to move on as if this was perminant. He regrets what happened to us but believes he made the right choice. What can I do?