Notagoodninja

Day 14 No contact

Feeling better today babe even though I woke up dreaming about you standing over me...I was moving out of your place in my dream, packing up my clothes pulling clothes off the hanger.. Anyway I sat down on the couch writing and you came up behind me you said "I knew it.." and you started to try to kill me then I woke up Maybe that dream helped me again realize how much damage you did to my psyche.. I have much healing to do. Today was a good day though...I wish every day could be this good for me emotionally instead of the highs and lo's...

I saw that you posted this today and I know it's for me. well oh where oh where can my baby be the lord took her away from me shes gone to heaven so I've got to be good so I can see my baby when I leave this world we were out on a date in my daddys car we hadn't Driven vary far there in the road stright ahead the car was staled the engine was dead I couldn't stop so I swerved to the right never forget the sound that night the cryin' tires the bustin' glass the painful screams that I heard last (chorus) well when I woke up the rain was pourin' down there was people standing all around somthing warm runnin in my eyes but I found my baby some how that night I raied her head and when she smiled and said hold me darlin for a little while I held her close I kissed her our last kiss I found the love I knew I would miss but now she gone even though I hold her tight I lost my love my life that night (chorus) Well my dear ex..................the lord didn't take me away from you, YOU did. I love the quote that says everyone says they will DIE for someone. But will they LIVE for someone? You chose to not live for me. I will never come back to you.

Okay wow I go through so many emotions every day. But this morning after reading some posts and seeing how guys think and how quickly they move on, I officially HATE you, lol. I really do. I hate your guts, I can't stand you. You're a loser a messed up loser and I hope you can't get your **** up when you go try to get laid. I hope one day you see me out at a club or something dancing my butt off having a GREAT time WITHOUT you so it shatters your self inflated ego. I hate you VERY much. I will NEVER speak to you again, EVER!

I'm super sad for you. you were my baby. I loved you. I am thinking right now about how much I adored you and kissed your face. I am so confused. Are you gay? are you a pedaphile or something? are you a sociopath> are you bi polar? ive never met a huge mess like you in my entire life. I hate it for you to curl up alone adn lonely. I hate evn more for some other girl to be keeping you company. I dont know what's worse, ya know? cause you're my bay and we should of grown old together. I said some super cruel things at the end. Im sorry yet Im not cause of the horrible things you said to me too. Maybe one day I will get more forgiveness about it and more mercy. right now im just down right furious and disgusted its so oooo hard for me to not wish you the worst. i dont think you deserve some girl....you already screwed up two of us........... I rly have nothing to say, you dont love me or miss me. I just want to look really hot the next time you see me so im gonna work out like crzy. the only revenge i can have it looking good. also being alone. because you said horrible names to me you thought i could never be alone but im prety sure ill be alone next time you see me and ill be much prettier and you will feel like an idiot for all youve thought about me I WILL PROVE YOU WRONG

Wow.................OK so what gives today. All of the sudden you're purging me even MORE out of your life? it wasn't enough for you to change your phone number, destroy every photo we ever had or anything we created together any memories at all you destroyed them all WHILE we were together So now I go check on your boards that you post on with your friends, I always liked to see that you're ALIVE anyway.........................................but lo and behold you deleted one of your handles! The crazy thing is, I already have your new number unbeknownst to you. You're a complete idiot, my cars in your name and you're gonna change ur number? Okkkk guess I gotta hire a lawyer GREAT, it wasn't enough that you destroyed everything I owned made me give you the last money I had AND I had to pay for the divorce What gives. Did you see my call log? Good I hope so I hope it pisses you off that little weak me, the little me who you pushed around for 4 years and bullied is talking to someone else! I may love you, I DONT need you.

P.S...Not sure you realize this but, as much as I was hung up on you I've got my pride to. Not now, not 2 weeks from now, not 2 months from now, not 2 years from now, not 20 years from now will you ever touch me, nor will I touch you. I don't even know at this point if I could even attend your funeral.

Listening to "I love the way you lie" by Eminem... I kept dreaming about you last night again but this is the first morning where I felt pretty good... I kept thinking about all the times in the past 4 years you were never there for me. Holiday's you would bail out...work or stay at home...never go with me... to zoo's, family functions...water parks...skating/bowling/ other activities...whenever I'd ask you to take a day off work to spend time with me you said no. But when we would break off you would take days off at a time to go out with your guy friends and do stuff. I didn't matter to you. I wish I could stop living in my head....

I never want to see you again. I never want to talk to you. I never will touch you again. It's very hard to forgive you. I am trying so that I do not become an evil bitter person. I can't hold a grudge. I do not HATE you, but I do want God to punish you. I'm like- God make him lose his job...or...make him wreck his car. I don't want you to DIE I just want your pride to fall...I want you to lose your huge ego and experience humility and grief and feelings for the first time in your demented little life. You spent all your life cursing God screaming at him telling him off while he gives you two great wives and an amazing job! and an amazing family that you hated. I wish God would be like OK ya know what kid I'm done with ya. Just like that. Why is God giving you stuff you don't deserve? More than anything you need to be taught a lesson in humility you need to experience need and human emotion. Maybe it can save you in the long run. You're just a very bad man. You beat your wife. You lost your step child. You lost your house. You destroyed your belongings and my belongings and your step child's belongings. Do you ever stop to wonder what my kiddo thinks of you? That the baby asks about you? that I can't tell them what happened because I can't hurt my baby? You're soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo SICK in the head!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooooo lucky I got away with my life and my baby's life................................ Say and do what you want. Go live it up with women that will fall victim to your charm. But when you're home by yourself you can sit and think about the fact that you lost the best thing that has ever happened to you and there's NO WAY you don't know that even as a sociopath. You will NEVER get this love again. You def will not find a girl with my personality, spunk and drive for life. Who is gonna just sit there all the time doing the stuff that you love? You took me for granted. And you have a lesson to learn. Like the other dudes that lost me. Guess what? I am not with them. I never gave them a second chance. I am not sure why people take me for granted but it's truly a shame because I don't give second chances when I've been cheated on.

I'm still Pi$$ed off at you about the day we took ur car to get the tires...you were such a DIC#$ Wt heck is wrong with you man? What got up your @$$ hole? A couple days before you put me in the hospital you were twirling your wedding band around your finger (your like millionth wedding bang cause you never kept em on long) you told me "I love being married to you!" Don't you know what a complete psycho YOU are?

I woke up thinking about you again this morning. I think about you all day long. Maybe because I miss talking to you. I ALMOST wrote your best friend today asking him to let you know I got confirmation that the divorce was signed the 25th! BUT I decided no, even that would be breaking NO CONTACT rule. And I am dedicated to myself and to my friends here on enotalone to remain in NO CONTACT! It's been 12 days since I left, 11 days of NC. I did see you out and about but I hid. But we didn't have CONTACT. It was enough to know you're a snake, a lying, cheating scum bag. Well today I feel better, I was able to cope this morning...I have ups and I have downs. I am wondering how you will take it when you get the actual divorce papers in your hand...my lawyer said she would mail it to you this week. When you open it up it would be nice if you got hit in the chest with emotional pain like a knife. Sadly not sure that happens if you're as crazy as you seem. You may just be like HE#$ yeah and go party that night big time and screw every girls brains out that you can find... I just wish hookers and strippers were not so readily available. Without them I don't think you could find anyone as hot as me. There, I said it!

Dh... today's been a long hard day. I suspect you're out again dating. I kinda wish you weren't a sociopath so that you would feel bad and guilty for what you've done I still hope that God punishes you for being so cruel to me for all of these years It's not fair or right... I hope I never hear from you again it would just Pi$$ me off big time knowing you are womanizing and out with women yet trying to get me back so I really hope you leave me alone.......so maybe I am making some progress at last................................................................. I had a nice Sunday, I got to sleep in without you screaming in my face...... I didn't have to rush off to Starbucks to get you breakfast.............. I didn't have to clean up after you and help with your laundry........I didn't have to endure your womanizing! THAT part is GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There was no YOU around to put me down I didn't have to pay for your dinner tonight because I didn't have to take you out......even though you made a lot of money you spent EVERY DIME on YOURSELF...................... Nothing was broken today of mine I went to my fave clothing store and got a cute lil outfit.....it's kinda good to know that outfit wont get ripped to shreds Its nice to know the shoes I got today will stick around I got my kid a toy, so nice to know you won't break it into a million pieces while kicking us to the curb in the middle of the night............................ I remember what a monster you kinda acted like around me and my child the first couple months................I saw good in you (I was delusional) and I had patience with you for you to come out of your shell. you were in a zone, remember? So even if you're dating you're prob in a zone again. you hate going out, you just know it's a "means to an end" I will always be terrorized by our last moments together.

OMG Thor that is funny..........................when I suspected my DH of cheating and he was abusing me about 2 months ago, I went and bought some magnums and threw them at him and told him "these are from my boyfriend but they will be too big for you!" cause I know how sensitive guys get about that crap. unfortunately since he's a sociopath it didn't even effect him lol...drats! anyway funny though..............................Unfortunately nothing ever phased him or changed him... He would refuse to have sex with me for like a month or so and I'd get mad and grab our lube and say "okay Im OUT of here and Ill need this! he would just be like "ok bye" he didn't even care..........

Back to square one. I was making so much progress last time. But this time is different, since I know you're a cheating Di$#. Anyway, day 11...No Contact. Def gonna make it to 21 days this time so I can create new brain waves or whatever they say changes habits I know one day I will get over you. I cant say that I love you anymore after seeing you pull up and sneak home last night. I didn't know you, I didn't like what I saw. At all. one bit. you're a charming little snake, a wolf in sheeps clothing. I am at peace finally. For now. The suns coming up, you will wake up today and miss me, for the first time in 11 days, I am intuitive don't ask me how I know this. It will be hard for you without me today. You woke up alone... You ruined your own house and couldn't bring any women over. Did the temporary satisfaction make you feel better? Did it fill the void you have in your heart? When you get over being mad at me, are you gonna be like O MG..........are you gonna miss my warm body? are you gonna miss my pillow beside yours and my feet against yours? Will you miss me kissing you good morning? Will you miss me planning our day? will you miss me bringing you food? Today was our day together. Always was... I did not have fun with you two weeks ago though...do you remember what you did? we went to the mountains..............you've been cold and distant for months. Sweetness you're going to have a very rude awakening when you realize you miss me. When you realize omg she really did move on this time. When you realize I don't believe you anymore. I am free of your lies. THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE. And so it has. bye W

INVICTUS Author: William Ernest Henley Out of the night that covers me, Black as the pit from pole to pole, ... I thank whatever gods may be For my unconquerable soul. In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeonings of chance My head is bloody, but unbow'd. Beyond this place of wrath and tears looms but the horror of the shade, And yet the menace of the years Finds and shall find me unafraid. It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul.

I have pretty much one photo of us hidden on FB I can pull it up every now and again One reminder that I was ever married to you Today kinda sucks I was realizing you will get girl roomates like you did before and you will date other girls like before and go back to your old ways like before because on the inside you never changed This is what you want It makes me cry to look deep into your beautiful hazel eyes I love you I married a sociopath But it doesn't mean it hurts any less It doesn't hurt me any less to know you will blow through women in the future and hurt them too and break more hearts and abuse people and use them Because I wanted you all for myself and I never had your heart, soul, mind and eyes they never belonged to me you never gave them to me Are you even hurting, do you even care Why am I hoping that a sociopath can feel? Do you see how this time is different? We've broken up a million times in 4 years But this time is different because I won't ever go to the hospital again because of you and this time I am committed 100% to CHANGE and healing and recovery...a new ME! I wonder if you know its over To you it was already over the last few times I'm just wondering why you bothered coming back only to treat me so cruely I am kinda surprised you gave up a willing victim if you're a socio path In the future I have to get rid of everything There's some cards, poems and letters and pics I have to get rid of everything that reminds me of you I will prob save this one photo so I know I was married to you, so I know this part of my life existed I will never re-marry I guess the only good thing that came out of this, is that all my life I've spent my life pleasing others but this was a wake up call- pleasing everyone but myself didn't work Now I am going to please myself I will live the next chapter of my life to please myself and do what I love and find myself, try to recover what you stole from me. Today I thought about us shopping at the mall for your shirts and stuff It made me sad, I knew one day I could run into you shopping with some other 'victim' Only she won't know you're a sociopath, and she will fall for you and be charmed and lured by your deceit I know one day I will bump into you. I can't look you in the eyes ever again because I can never fall for you again, I will never let myself fall for you

I know what you mean you sound like me "goodbye my love" "i will never kiss your lips I thought you were the love of my life" I feel the same....he was my love, all I ever wanted and dreamed of in my little delusional head And its like. they will prob move on and get some other girl in a week and here we are sad, saying we love them and dont even want another man in our lives!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is it sad to say death seems sweet compared to the pain you gave me? and the agony? my crushed soul? my devastated spirit? my broken heart? I do not really want to die. I am just saying sometimes the pain is too much and I love you so much I can never say goodbye and that would enable me to say goodbye to you But I do not believe you will really kill me. Is this sick to say you don't even care about me enough to do so because you hate me so much My counselor said you will miss the attention I gave you. You hated it, HATED it that I was jealous. Because you womanized. But the counselor says that you secretly NEEDED that and you will miss it. You will never have my affection again. I will never make love to you again. I will never feed you again. I will never buy you gifts again. I will never cuddle again with you on the couch watching tv shows and movies We will never feed each other pretzel bites at the movie theater We will never go shooting together again and off roading I'd say YOU WILL MISS ME, ha. But you're a sociopath I almost wish you were normal so you COULD miss the "us" time All the times I met you in the morning and brought you Starbucks...our favorite coffees and protein plates It's soooooooooooo TRAGIC you're SICK, you have a DISEASE AND YOU CANNOT MISS normalcy! You are sick it's soooo stinking sad. I am so sad because I didn't know you were a sick person when I met you. Again it's like being in bed with the devil and thinking he's an angel. You don't even know the person you're laying next to. All you know is the sweet, charming side that first hooked you in... It is so good to journal and log how I feel. Anonymously Also I wouldn't want to write this on paper and have someone ever find it Here's what I WILL miss about my sociopath I will miss sharing latte's with you in the morning and feeding you cheese and grapes from the protein plates I will miss talking to you on the phone 24/7 through out your and my work weeks I will miss texting you 24/7 I will miss sending each other photo's of our daily activities I will miss your dark hair and eyes your freckles your smell I will miss hugging you and cuddling with you I will kinda miss making you dinner even though you never thanked nor appreciated me or what I did for you or the running around I did for you I will miss the sweet apology letters I got from you ever time you bruised me up and hurt me (even though now I am learning that sociopaths only do that because it's what is expected and they don't even do it because they care!) I will miss our little diets and when we'd break them and go hardcore binging I loved our little spontaneous shopping trips together it was fun buying things or looking at things with you I miss the FIRST year we were together because then you actually would say I was pretty sometimes You actually would get jealous of me the FIRST year we were together I miss going to dinner and lunch with you and playing games at the table sometimes together in our nerdy way I miss seeing my ring on your finger (you never kept it on and you broke about 20 of them at LEAST) I miss coming up behind you when you played WoW and hugging you and kissing your face and telling you how much I loved you I miss our pet names for each other the very most of all Top of my head here's what I do not miss I do not miss you constantly constantly constantly never making love to me I do not miss you NEVER telling me I was pretty or attractive or beautiful I do not miss having to BEG YOU LITERALLY BEG you to KISS me! I do not miss you calling me names I do not miss the time I was sick going to the hospital and you screamed and yelled at me because I was an inconveince to you. I was throwing up sick and you kicked me out of your car and scowled and hated me for being sick and you wouldn't help me and you didn't want me in your car You never took care of me when i Was sick you never took care of me ANYWAY you never wanted to work out with me and gave me cold silent treatment if I did things wrong that you didn't like You wanted me to OBEY you and you said wives have to SUBMIT and OBEY 100% you had to ALWAYS be right i dont miss coming home to chaos and everything being broken I do not miss being abused verbally, mentally, physically and emotionally by you I do not miss you saying I never did ANYTHING right I dont miss you calling me a SLOB even though Id clean I dont miss you calling me LAZY even though i would work two and three jobs at a time I do not miss you calling me FAT and UGLY even though I dressed attractively and only weigh 120lbs I dont miss walking through stores with you and having you check out every teenager that walked by I do not miss being HUMILIATED that you would check out girls as young as 14 and 15 I do not miss you putting me down I do not miss you telling me if I joined a gym you would murder me I do NOT miss the HORRIBLE BAD WORDS U CALLED ME I dont miss you kicking me and my child outside at like 2am at night often just cause I wouldn't OBEY you or something...calling me HORRIBLE names in front of a little child and sHOVING me with a baby in my arms out onto the cement

also I sit and torture myself wondering what you're doing. Who are you talking to. What are you feeling. I know you are at home alone and you are thinking. My counselor says you're thinking about killing me (lol) it's hard to believe that because I am still so completely in love and screwed up from the abuse but I am taking her seriously because she said she's seen women die constantly from spousal abuse. SHe says you're on the high end you will try to kill me. Is this sad to say if you did come to kill me, I'd say I love you and only you before I died?

Today the divorce went through. I have mixed emotions. I was sick most of the day and slept through it (thank God) but then had to go to a Halloween party. Then left and my heart sank and I hurt right in the middle of my chest...I was not going home to you. For some creepy reason, even though you abused me and even put me in the hospital a few weeks ago, the only place I feel safety is in your arms. I love your dark hair and eyes, the smell of you. Burying my face in your neck. I miss your hugs. You stopped hugging me. You pushed me away. You started pushing me away about 6 months ago and then a few months ago I realized you probably were cheating on me. You displayed all the signs and you started not wanting to come home, you wanted to work more and not spend time with me. You would not hold my hand, cuddle or make love. You hated to kiss me. You didn't want to shower with me anymore. You didn't thank me for running you showers, getting you fresh towels laying out your clothes, and making you dinner every night... You broke EVERYTHING. I left my marriage with a tote bag. You broke about 20 TVs, cds, books, dvd players, you broke about 10 xbox and playstations. You put holes in the walls, doors. You slashed up our furniture. You broke your ipads and my ipod you threw away all of my clothes and things after slashing them with a butcher knife. You pretended a month ago that you were going to kill me with a knife. You tormented and tortured me and now I was diagnosed with PTSD. I dream about you every night, I wake up shaking and soaked in my own sweat. I had two dreams in the last two days about you with other women. My heart is broken. I wish i could forgive you but I cannot I understand you are a mentally ill person with socio/path personality disorders. Even you yourself would tell me time to time "something is wrong with me, I know I am not right in my head, somethings not right" But I just don't know why socio paths and psycho paths should exist. Should we lock you guys up in an institution so you can't kill yourself and others? Why should you be allowed to live on this earth and destroy good people? I believe when you die you will go straight to hell and there is 0 hope for you. How is that fair/ why did God make people like you? Why are you a sociopath and abusive? Why do you want me dead? Why did you tell me you would kill my family? Why did you tell me you hate me and my child? Why did you tell me people would find me dead in a ditch someday? I'm not a horrible person. I give to the homeless, volunteer at schools and homeless shelters...I give to everyone I am caring. I tried to be the best wife I could be. *tears* When I was little all I wanted to do was be single, rich and famous. An actress and millionare. Then I met you and you told me no i couldn't have those things And I wanted you so bad that I gave up my dreams for you. I gave up my aspirations for you. All I wanted after a few weeks with you was to grow old with you. Growing up, that's the last thing on the face of the earth I ever wanted to do! But then I met you and I changed, I thought it was you I would die with ...in old age............. My girlfriends feel bad, they want to take me out. I don't even want to. I met this ripped, gorgeous guy who wanted me over, but I don't even want to. I am not interested in dating I am no longer interested in men. I don't want to be with anyone again. I am no longer interested in love. on the plus side I am feeling more like focusing on myself. I've been working out so much that I got myself sick. you wouldn't let me cut my hair, but I am going to get it cut into something sassy so I can get some sass back ... You know that b job I wanted? well you said if I got one you would leave. Yet you never looked nor touched mine. You hated me. So I am gonna get one, you know that? The whole relationship you never said I was hot or beautiful or pretty. You would only want other women, never me. I went out with a girlfriend last week because she's getting over a breakup too. Now when i am with you I feel so inferior, I hate myself and my body and feel fat, ugly and disgusting! I feel insecure and worthless and like everyone else in a million times hotter and better But when I went out with her I got hit on and whistled at (I ignored them because I'm jaded apparently) when i went out with her we went into some clubs and I was looking at the girls dancing and I thought OMG...I am just as hot as they are. I was just as skinny, I could dance that good, there is nothing wrong with me My G you ruined my youth oh how you robbed me.................................. Here's what I hope for and I am sure all people in my situation hope for. In 6 months you bump into me, I have a brand new amazing body from working out, I am tan because you never let me tan, I have my teeth whitened- MAYBE a B job if I can get the money together..............................a new sassy hair cut (and you will be FURIOUS how DARE she cut her hair when I said not to...) everything that defies you and what you commanded of me. I want to do it I want to be it and rebel.......................I also want you to barely recognize me. I am gonna just have fun with this. Get a new haircut and contact lenses of a new color for fun. I am going to make serious changes. All for fun. You stole half of my youth anyway I really don't have any youth left now so I am going to live life for myself now and the next 20 years is going to be about pleasing myself and making myself happy. I try not to think about you with other women I just keep having horrible dreams. The sad thing is, what man after a breakup doesn't IMMEDIATELY go seek women. HOWEVER...and I have enough male friends in the past where I know this is true...even if you're sleeping with other women you ARE going to think about me. NOBODY treated you like a God. And in your sick little twisted head...you sociopath..........you will MISS that I treated you that way. I was the perfect victim wasn't I? You will miss your victim, you will miss torturing me and hurting me, controlling and abusing me. Any poor woman you find next will not tolerate you. One day you will find a new victim and you will get even more abusive with her because you've not managed to keep me and women in your past. One day she will leave. I know 100% unless you find some 600 lb woman who has 0 self esteem that nobody is gonna stay with you. You WILL die alone. It's sad. Do you think about your gravestone You're a sociopath. You hate your family and you have one friend. And you hate your wife. (ex) So I say to you, who will go to your funeral? bay, nobody is going to go to your funeral But when you die, and you will because we all die sometime, we are not immortal, if you die before I do, I promise I will visit your grave I will put flowers on it and I will lay on it and I will miss you and I will hope you somehow made it to heaven. Because in the end, it's not very fair of God to create people that are mentally handicapped in a way like you and psychopaths are. I feel sorry for you all in a way, even though you are possessed by the devil and evil. Because you were born that way my sweet love. You can't help who you are and you cannot change. I love you with all my heart. But it will not do you any good for me to tell you that, I have to have no contact, no contact forever and forever and forever. *tears* I hoped that God could change you. I hoped you would let God in because if God created the psycho path and the serial killers and the sociopaths can He not save them also? Is it very fair for you to go to hell and burn for eternity. And for those who don't believe in that, would it be very fair for you all to come back in the next life as a roach or bat. Come on.... It isn't your fault you were born sick in your head. What really is very horrible is you do not believe there is anything wrong with you. Sociopaths do not change, they do not know something is wrong with them they lack in emotion and empathy and they only seek control. I am very sorry about your horrible past. I am sorry you hate your mother. I am sorry you were abused. I am not sure if you were born a sociopath or if you became a sociopath I am confused, very very confused. You put so many bruises on me the last 4 years. You destroyed my clothes, furniture, walls, bed, dresser, the ceiling, vacuum cleaners, tvs, dvds cds books, you destroyed your nooks every gift I gave you wallets sunglasses my jewelry my makeup my boots my clothes my lingerie...........................my notebooks....................my pens and pencils.....................even your own collectibles you ripped them up you stomped on them you destroyed everything. You destroyed the bookcases we got from Ikea together. You would throw away my food in the fridge if you got mad over nothing. You would dump out my shampoo, my conditioner, my lotion, you would just squirt it all over the place One horrible sight I will never forget is coming home to a full bathtub full of water, my clothes, makeup, shoes, books everything under water completely submerged in water And you strangled me that day. You lost control and you strangled me and I thought wow this is how I will die but I was so angry with you for strangling me that I fought back and kicked you hard but you left bloody strangulation marks on my throat. How embarrassing, how humiliating for me to go back to you because I loved you and with my friends HATING ME for loving you. Sociopaths have to cause trouble because they live on highs. Much like a serial killer has to live on the next high and create destruction. That is what you do my love, but you don't even know it It's like...you have Alzheimer and you don't know because you have a disease and you can't remember..........you have a disease in your head and it's lacking and my God I feel sorry for you because as much as I hate you and am sooooooooooo HURT I know that you cannot help that you were born evil incarnate.

I don't even know what to do, man. We've been broken up two weeks almost...and no contact... the divorce will be served in a few days they said I haven't even told either of our family;s I feel sorry for your mom, she LOVED me she tried SO FREAKING HARD to help us...........................she would be SO encouraging How I wish you would change How I wish you had a repentant heart instead of a hardened heart I love and miss you, I am sad and lonely without you This no contact is sooo HARD but it's worth it because we just fight and you call me horrible things like crazy, psycho and lunatic Its sad I have no way to reach you now really, I mean i do but I can't let myself anymore I am so down I think if I had like a year I can fall out of love with you. and its only on week 2 it's going to take some serious effort and progress. *SIGH( what i miss is that we stopped doing stuff together, we didn't take the time to spend time with eachother.............we were working too hard to go on bike rides and hikes and shooting and swimming and to the mall and to movies......... Its sad, I could of done some stuff differently, but what can you REALLY DO for a womanizer, ya know??? there is only SO MUCH and I am WAY too old for you, you're practically a pedaphile My self esteem has suffered so bad I am going to get a piercing today. one you made me take out. UNF! take that jerk off........................ I hope you see me at the club someday (even though we didn't even GO to the clubs, I AM GOING TO NOW! because you will anyway! you're a JERK! and you like SKANKS!) i hope you see me dancing with HOT GUYS and i hope you sweat and feel like a REAL LOSER esp when you see the hotties i can get compared to YOU! you were freaking lucky to even have me p.s...YOU ARE UGLY

I hope one day you try to get me back and I hope to God by then I am over you so I can LAUGH in your face.

Good morning, i know you woke up and are getting ready for work and still you haven't tried to apologize. I hate you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much I can't BELIEVE what you've put me through!!!!!!!!!!!! You obviously are showing your TRUE COLORS. You are EVIL, HATEFUL, SELFISH, a PIG, A WOMANIZER, a LOSER and you NEVER loved or respected me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DH i am also hurt because I lost so much time with you When I met you I was finally feeling confident in myself.....I was a little hottie in her early 20's......I had SO much confidence......I was SO zealous about life.......I worked out at LA fitness back then all the time (before you made me QUIT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) you made me give up my friends my family my trainer my gym, college..work............................................all so that you could REJECT ME and PUSH me away and NOT cuddle with me and NOT kiss me and NOT have sex with your OWN WIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! all so you could REJECT me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! well screw you tonight. SCREW YOU I hope you die!

DH............. Today was one of the HARDEST days yet. I find myself drinking and taking sleeping pills to get through my misery and all my life I've hated people who did that crap...and here I am. I guess you can say I made the mistake of going to a psychic, that's how desperate I was feeling. Anyway it wasn't good news...this pyschic said all kinds of things they knew from their source and I said nothing. They told me that you don't care about what you did at ALL, you have no regret, no remorse and that you know the relationship is ending and you won't care when you're served with divorce papers they said you feel it can't be helped. And it COULD of been helped you COULD HAVE APOLOGIZED, MAN UP and gotten counseling for your freakin issues!!!!!!!!!!!!! The psychic said yes, you're flirting with other women and needing attention, and it makes me sick.......and the psychic said so many things and I never said ANYTHING to them about anything I merely asked about you so they KNEW and I usually have zero faith in them. But Im soooooooooooooooooooooooooo miserable now and sad. I DO NOT deserve to be treated sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo POORLY! They told me you knew how caring, loving and affectionate I was and that you LOVED it while you had it but that you are able to forget about everything and just close this chapter of our lives, they said you will NOT contact me at all this month. SAD!!!!!!!!!!!! I am your WIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't want to say HATE because hate is a strong word and I obviously do not hate you, but I am stricken with pain and grief beyond what a human can bear. How can I get treated sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo POORLY..................................................I deserve sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo MUCH MORE I am going crazy, every day I feel SO LOW..............like I am too FAT.................even though I was already thin and I lost more weight cuz I can't eat.............cuz I get sick I ordered pizza tonight and I was getting SICK trying to choke it down..............I dont feel like eating drinking sleeping or living How could you hurt me this way How could you treat me this way I am not saying I am without flaws There's so many things you realize you SHOULD and COULD have done when you have "no contact" do not think I know I am at fault for some issues But you broke everything I owned You promised me and my child a home and you just strangled me in front of my baby You left bruises on my arms and I had to lie Every time you hurt me I had to lie to my family and friends I was so ashamed to take you places (mall, bowling, movies) because all you did was lust over teenage girls and it was HUMILIATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You had NO RESPECT and no common courtesy I was too ashamed to take you to my familys house and mingle with teenagers because I know you act like a freaking pedaphile and I felt like a low life to be with somebody like you I read up on the stages of grief Hopefully my feeelings of anger for the first time are that onion slowly being peeled away layer by layer of hurt so that I can heal, I don't know All I know is that tonight I almost want you die, i almost want you to go crash into something and end up with a broken leg or something, you DESERVE HORRIBLE things and I know I shouuld say that but YOU HAVE RUINED MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have NOTHING now NO HOUSE NO CAR IN MY NAME ALL MY FURNITURE I LEFT WITH YOU YOU DESTROYED my belongings you would RIP cash into pieces if you got pissed YOU NEVER KEPT presents i Bought you.......nooks, tvs, dvd players, computers, monitors, wallets, sunglasses, flowers, stuffed animals, pictures, love letters, cards YOU NEVER KEPT THEM you couldn't even keep MY STUFF SAFE you would go thru the fridge and you would DUMP OUT my milk and juice and soda my food....you would THROW AWAY my vitamins.....you'd rampage thru the bathroom you BROKE my flat iron you SNAPPED my makeup IN HALF in freaking half dude.................... Tonight, I feel that I hate you. I hate you so much. I hope karma makes a call on you. I hope to God you get your heart ripped in half. I hope your ego gets hurt. I hope you get rejected. I hope girls tell you you're penis is small and I hope that they tell you you SUCK in bed because YOU DO SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HOPE YOU GET LEFT OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!