Notagoodninja

What helps me the most, is faking that you ever existed Like, if you were alcohol and I was an addict- I cut you off cold turkey I don't go by places that remind me of you I dont hang out with people if we hung out together with them I wont even go anywhere for food that reminds me of you I wont watch any shows or movies that remind me of you I am missing out on my FAVE SHOWS right now I can't think of you look at you My phone did some updates and brought up some pictures of you from the past that I thought were gone It's very odd, it was like observing a stranger I had 0 feelings, not love, not hate I need to stay focused it's hard to write on here sometimes But I have to remember things about you that were bad You stopped holding my hand You would not cuddle with me You yelled and screamed at me, shook your fist in my face You spit on me, you pulled my hair, you slammed me into walls and furniture You slammed me into the floor You pummeled me with your fists into the carpet You never said thank you when I gave you money every day for food and gas You boasted about your job You boasted about how great you are You boasted about how women all wanted you You boasted about how young you assumed you looked, how great of qualities you had You came home daily telling me of other women, you compared me to other women You checked out girls and eye screwed them every second,every chance you could like a pig, you never respected me If a hot guy came around you would pinch my arms, twist my skin, drag me away from that area and stare him down God forbid I did something like that to you You screamed at me if I ever used self check out at the store You screamed if the house was not IMMACULATE literally every second of the day and night, IMMACULATE not even one tiny faintest of crumbs or I'd be punished You would give me a small kiss in the morning, and then you would walk out of my life for the day---you did not want to talk to me or text me or tell me you thought of me Those are some things but I can't really spend any more time on this right now because The past is the past...and all i have now is the present This present moment to live, breathe to appreciate and to enjoy

I think of you less each day. In fact I post this only to help me stay on track. It's very weird you were my whole world 7 years, but the last couple weeks without you have been awesome. I honestly can say, I don't miss you. And me just trying to date for once in my life, it's helping. Yeah I've fallen down and failed already, but I pick myself back up brush the dirt off my jeans and I try again. I'm going out this weekend and I am going to take a boat out on the lake...it reminds me of who I was before I met you. I was a fun, carefree happy girl and you destroyed my smile the last 7 years, I never smiled, I was a sad sick nervous wreck you made my hair fall out from stress you made me break out- you made me sick I was constantly sick for 7 years I would drop things around you and be clumsy because of your severe abuse I get to work out again soon, and I can spend time doing that in the evenings now and you are not there to tell me no. You are not there to tell me that I have to revolve my entire life around you 24/7 It's rather nice spending money on myself right now, instead of on you I hope you miss me, only because karma bites... I dont want you to contact me though, it makes it easier, I dont want to hear from you I would curl up in the bathtub crying every week for 7 years over the abuse and hell you put me through I never knew if you would kill us when we were asleep Idon't get yelled at by you now, I don't have you threaten me with your fist You are not around to brag anymore You can't hurt me anymore always bragging about your work, how much money you make, all your hot co workers and all the women customers you got all the time that you flirted with and checked out That doesn't hurt me anymore, I don't care because you are not mine... I want the simple things in life now. A man to hold my hand when we go out, who will be a gentleman for me, and who will cuddle me hard at night! Something YOU never did...

Thanks for letting me know in your own way...that you are "OK" I dont want to be with you anymore, but do worry about you, wanna make sure you're fed and clothed haha (even tho you make more $ than I did.) anyway ....you seemed so sincere about it being over, thats why I want to do this for you and just let it be over like you want im not gonna fight for our relationship anymore i love you, but i dont get anything out of it

Goodnight W SP

P.S...How DARE you disrespect me like that after all I did for you, after every moment I've been there holding your hand, supporting you, loving you, giving to you, devoting all that I am to you...being loyal to you....being a SLAVE.....submissive, your servant.............devoting every fiber of my being to your happiness and health, to your well being... And this is how you re-pay me? I don't think so anymore. You will never change, you will be a horrible monster and abusive to the next victim. I am actually feeling some happiness tonight, I can go to bed knowing you won't kill me in my sleep. I can stay up late reading or thinking or writing and you won't nag at me. I can just be myself... And it feels AWESOME.... I can't wait to meet someone finally......................I can't wait to be buried in another mans arms one day at the mall & you see me. I honestly don't believe I Will care at all if you have a new gf, I think I will be over you by now I am already over you, I am just sad over everything you did to me Last time you wrote me all those emails...did you know I never read them? You know why? Cuz i don't have any feelings for you anymore. You have abused me for so many years...you have left soooo many bruises and scratches and gouges on my body you have torn the hair from my head....you have pinched me, twisted my arms hard, yanked me pulled me ripped my clothes.... I guess the only thing I am realizing is a few things....number one I just miss knowing where "home" is when i get off work...I am looking around trying to find a place now... Im kinda excited....this will be the first time in 6 years or more where my stuff won't get destroyed from you! I am looking forward to getting my self esteem back!

As always Im up unable to sleep like every time Im alone I go thru a wide variety of emotions I think about our past all the things we've been thru good or bad I honestly feel like weve been together for as long as I Can remember and all i can do is think about getting you back this time for you disrespecting me I know I cant sit here feeling sorry for myself and lonely forever This time I have to THROW myself into the dating world What I really want is to find someone kind, *You were not kind *you were not compassionate or empathetic you were never nice I had to BEG you for a hug I had to BEG BEG BEG for kisses You gave me sex afters YEARS of begging give me a break.... then you wanted to punish me??? afterwards by saying u did me some favor... Whatever dude...listen, you wanna go be with other women? Fine...Im not stopping you anymore, you walked out the door & you walked out of my life this time Goodbye buddy,,,,everyone gets their heart broken I am not the exception I dont care anymore if you get a gf and we bump into eachother, this time I just want to be happy Ive never had a NICE caring boyfriend only a miserable loser... I actually wantwant WANTa new life, I want happiness You NEVER went to events with my kiddo and myself...EVER in the 7 years of us together...you made me go alone..I was always alone anyway you never were there for me, I was lonely in the relationship anyway. What was the point of staying. I feel like a beat and abused little dog with a perpetual tail btwn the legs... Dude...I dont love you no more, Im not coming back .... You are incapable of loving, and I want to be loved...

I don't mean to feel bitter, but I do because you forced me to lose everything, I gave you all the money that I had...you left me penniless and abandoned.

I'm so lonely I think that filled a good deal of my day...now I get off work and have no friends, nowhere to go ...nobody to hang out with...no home to come home to...I have to start completely over without you.

So day 2 of breakup begins all over again and day 1 no contact I dont even know what to say right now I am so sad, youve disrespected me in every way Its sad I fell in love with an abuser Ive thought about us for hours now I feel like you will contact me like you always do, but so help me God...please don't let me give in or cave. Help me God to be strong against this man I want s badly to meet a new guy, I need someone so bad to help me not stay in this long abusive relationship I don't want to die

Also something you said today made me feel weird. You said you wouldn't be able to tolerate me wearing lingerie for anyone else. But then you said "I dont even tolerate it now, I can't stand you wearing lingerie" like lingerie is a dirty thing and as a wife/ you can't wear it. yet you always lust over EVERY GIRL out there including lingerie models. I am not into the whole mother Theresa syndrome, I'm an attractive girl I deserve to get laid. I see no reason why you have always refused for me to wear lingerie. I thought it was because you didn't dig it (which I questioned because you like it on everyone else that you see)...now Im thinking it's cause you think it's "dirty"??? What?

You contacted me yesterday and said you loved me and that there's no getting around that. I love you too, but I'm honestly not sure what to do, I haven't gotten laid in a couple months and I'm really getting tired of the no sex thing. Every time I wanted to have sex you denied me. I can't live my life constantly being rejected by someone who would rather jack off then have sex with me. How long can I live no being satisfied/ I don't know what to do. Do I go back, to someone who is abusive but I love him? To someone who rejects 99% of my sexual advances? I am in love, but will I really be happy? can I ever find a man I will be happy with again but who desires me sexually?

OMG Im so sorry you must be betrayed that's the oddest thing I've ever heard there has to be something else and it was just a coincidence about the lesbian couple

I feel numb.

Whose your Sweet pea and how long have you been contacting her?

I'm sad because you say you don't love me, you told me to move on. You broke my heart, but in the end I know as horrible as I feel now (like wanna jump a cliff) I know I am the one that will fall in love again with someone else and be happy, you will lose this one and live with regret but this was your choice!

While I'm at it... I am still mad that you checked out that girl at the bookstore and at Macaroni Grill like 4 years ago im ticked that you openly flirted with my BEST girlfriend saying how hot she was, how her lips were made for kissing and then afterwards asking me for a threesome with my own best girlfriend! you flirted with your customers at work and you thought you were some kind of god to them You are so completely unlovable I just cant believe Ive loved you at all after what you did to me I guess because I was a naive, young little girl that had no idea how a big bad wolf could be You constantly checked women out, totally in love with two bachelorettes fantasying about them! Me finding searches on your computer of actresses all the time that you fantasized over you not wanting sex with your own wife you never touching me, never looking at me, never complimenting me when i went out of my way to get my hair and makeup and nails done and all dolled up for you you never appreciated me, now im not yours anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NEXT

I was proud of myself today. I turned you down for the first time in 5 years You thought your lame letters would bring me back, You weren't even that kind in them you were blaming me But I won't forget how you humiliated me a week ago in front of your co workers I wont forget you calling me psycho, head case, and awful names.... I won't forget how youre a total womanizer, you can never be with just one girl, no one girl is enough for you, you're a monger through and through and abusive I wont forget how you never spent any money on me Ill never forget how you USED me How when I Was sick you would curse me out because I inconvenienced your day!!!! How you would just say "girls are too emotional" when i had needs How you never wanted to right the wrongs that you did How you never put effort into our relationship You always wanted an easy pass You loved to talk about how your girl roomates wanted to screw you and how you just "used your ex gds for sex" You loved to tell me how GREAT your ex wife was and how you did EVERYTHING for her Apparently you weren't good enough, because she left your sorry ....for a better man! i made you dinner every night and served you you never made me dinner...ever i bought you gifts, you destroyed everything when i met you i was just a young single mom working crazy hours. you took away my life. you took away my soul. you destroyed my heart and crushed me I lost my home and furniture my clothes and all my belongings because of you were you worth it?

If I go back, you will just think you can disrespect me. You didn't even apologize. Now my goal in life is to make you pay.You wanna do the crime, ya gotta do the time. I won't focus so much this time on being miserable without you. I won't focus on that. I WILL focus this time, on dating, finding someone who WILL respect me who WILL treat me right. Someone who WILL open doors for me, who WILL appreciate the way I wait on him hand and foot making sure he gets breakfast/ lunch and dinner and brings him home icecream Someone who appreciates my working out, someone who tells me I'm pretty.

You've done a lot of stuff to me, and I forgave you. I love you very much, but I won't put up with disrespect. You disrespected me in front of other people this time and got other people involved. You did the whole good boys club thing to me. Everything was perfect. I don't think we could have asked for a better last few months...I thought it was going to work out this time. But your true colors came shining through.

You're no prize, Back to the grinding stone..............today will be going on 2...no contact...

41 days since break up 40 days no contact

Sweetie, I know Ur up tonight. As am I. And I want U to know, how BAD I feel about my part in this. Now, I was re-acting because I was terribly and horribly hurt because I could feel your lack of love. I know I am gonna heal from this and recover, I will be OK even though some days are just flat out horrible like yesterday. But today I feel a little better, and I feel sorry for the email I sent you and your friend. I was trying to make you feel low because of the horrible things you called me all because I wanted my husband to want me. You can't know how horrible it feels to be not wanted by your own husband. But I should have been the big girl in the relationship, you obviously have severe psychological scars from your past. I'm not saying that in a mean way, you know that you do. Right now you're sitting at your new computer...that's cool and all, but eventually the real you will come out again with the next girl and you're gonna be worse next time when you break everything and get all abusive even though you think the problem is ME...how many wives will it take for you to see it's also you as well? Anyway I wasn't coming on here to be mean, I just wanted you to know my emails were so horrible that I can hardly open em up. I saved em to see what I wrote, all i saw was red...just like you when you'd break my things and shove me into walls and twist my arms so I hope you can forgive me, I am working on forgiving you as well Of course that old saying forgive but don't forget... We can't forget but we can learn to forgive, and I hope you can begin to forgive me for the horrible email. I will be honest I don't even like that guy I already knew him before you and I met and he never has gotten married and I know he never will so I knew he'd be around to help me out in a pinch, I texted him two days after our divorce to make U furious But he wasn't new, he was old news luv I am not interested in him, like U and ur friend seemed to think I texted him on purpose to hurt you you know... Anyway it's over...I haven't texted him since then I haven't spoken to him since then, I have 0 desire to, come on ;-) you know me better than that, I am not an idiot, I am not shallow I am just vindictive As for me, I could prob forgive U for whatever U did, depending on the mood, but..HOWEVER...see, I don't think you changed at all You still have psychological issues... You still have anger, you refuse counseling you refuse anger management and you just punished me with rejection and coldness CONSTANTLY and I am in need of affection You go on and on about needing "affection and cuddling" (was that you tonight?) and yet you can't even cuddle with your own wife!? at night in bed? you just shoved me away? i mean, what is that. isn't the truth staring U in the face...don't U see AT ALL that you have a problem? sigh, P.S...There's A LOT of hot girls in this city Not only that but women are much more accepting of stuff they can put up with a lot for a long time, also hot women get with mediocre dudes and also young women get with older dudes so lucky you that you can go get someone 10 years younger than you and nobody is gonna think twice. I just truly believe 100%%%%%%%%%% with all of my heart you won't find another me. Nobody will share the same morals, beliefs, values, the same political views, the same goals in life. You got mad at me a lot cause I am brilliant, maybe the smartest chic you knew, nothing got past me. And you are the same!! You were the smartest man I knew. Nothing escaped you and you had a sixth sense from the beginning. You always wanted something better, like the grass was always greener on the other side yet you accused me of the very thing you hated the most in people...that was your flaw that's where U fell....you wanted someone else and not your wife... BUT anyway I wish you well, at least for the night I hope you find the girl you're looking for...I hope you find happiness.

Sooooo I tried so hard to be strong and couldn't even last that long. "Love is a drug" I need it, to help me survive. If I knew you weren't with anyone I wouldn't go date anyone either, but you always do...you did that with first wife you weren't even divorced and sleeping around Why should I wait when you aren't waiting. I know you aren't and I can't take the pain anymore. SO I joined dating sites today. I'm gonna start dating again because I can't take the pain anymore. Sad and I wish i could be a stronger person. Again if I thought you were alone, I'd stay alone forever. but thinking about you with other girls kills me Hey, I'm sorry for what I said that night- you hurt me so bad I didn't know what else to say so I said I found someone else I didn't find anyone else, I was lying to end things But in the end all that matters is, obviously, you were never that into me, so it's time to let go

Emotions emotions emotions highs and lows ups and downs sigh Anyway I hate you tonight... I hate you for hurting me and my kid I hate you for lying to me I hate you for not being willing to change I hate you for screwing around and being a womanizer I hate you for breaking my heart I hope that God gives you cancer and you can suffer by yourself because you pushed everyone away..you never were there for your mom or dad or brother and sister or nephew You never were there for your step siblings You never were there for your ex wife and her sick mom! You never were there for me when I needed you the most You are only there for your few friends so they can give you drugs! and so they can go to the movies with you or have a beer when you get bored/lonely I got the call about the insurance claim So I assume you gave them the number and told them to call me WELL I want you to know, the divorce states you pay the car/and insurance until end of Jan however you also owe 1,500.00 to me in the divorce decree, and on top of that you took 720.00 from me a few days before our breakup for the tv that i allowed you to keep so therefore you owe me 2,200.00 i am going to have you pay my car payment and insurance until next summer begins yes, you heard me right and if you do not, i am taking you to court, and suing you remember how your ex wanted like 3k or whatever, you made her out to be this horrible person and you prob lied i told you don't give it to her! but now i know, she prob paid for EVERYTHING i just do not believe your lies anymore she prob paid for her OWN car, she prob paid the bills you prob WASTED away your money on comics and movies and electronics and you left her to pay for it all no wonder you've lost your house, dog. you're a failure you're a liar you're a loser and you don't give credit where credit is due you take credit for yourself, you never praise or appreciate anyone other than yourself no go, go lie to some other innocent naive girl but i am free of your lies, i know the truth, and it set me free and in the meantime, keep making my car payments or i will sue you believe me

life is not fiar.i miss yu why wontu change forme wy why dont u loveme