trinnity213

I met my ex boyfriend when I was 18 and a freshmam in college. We were both each others first serious relationships and fell in love. I am currently finishing up college I am about to enter my last semester and become free to move closer to him. For our entire relationship I have been in school and have lived about 45 minutes away from him. For the next three years we were together, but we had broken up about three times for different reasons. These past breakups were only for a short time, about a week or two and we always got back together. Last year he broke up with me because he claimed he wanted to date other people. He was afraid that even though our relationship was perfect he could find something better. This obviously devestated me. I am a fiercely loyal person and felt this was a huge betrayal. Well he only went on two dates with this other girl and was calling me telling me he wanted to get back together. All they ever did was kiss and he claimed she was nothing compared to me. I felt so betrayed that I put off getting back together for about a month, but eventually I got over it. We were together all year and even though I knew there were problems with our communication of feelings I was still very happy. Then three months ago he broke up with me claiming he was not happy with his life and he needed space so he could make some life changes. I begged him not to leave me, but he did. We did not talk after the breakup for 2 1/2 months. No contact what so ever. I refused to call him and was trying to move on. Then about two weeks ago he calls me at 1:30 A.M. to catch up. We did not talk about getting back together, but about how our lives were going and how much we missed each other. Then then next time he called was on Christmas and he told me that he was seeing this girl who was a friend of his while we were together. I got upset and hung up the phone. We did not talk for about a week and I call him yesterday and that is when everything exploded. For the first time ever we talked about our relationship openly and the problems we both thought that was wrong with it. After this very long conversation he gets very upset and tells me he never knew how I felt and he wished he had told me this sooner. I ask him "why, whats happened? Are you still seeing that girl?" He says yes. I ask how far has it gone? He says he slept with her three times last week. I lost it I couldn't believe he could do it. I know we were broken up, but I never thought he would take it that far. So I started screaming and told him that he has ruined everything that I thought that we were going to get back together and live together, even get married. He then lost it and said he never knew I was thinking that because he was thinking it, but never brought it up beacause I never brought it up. Well we talked for a long time and I told him I don't think I could ever get over this. I can't understand how he could have done it. He wants to start our relationship over with a fresh start. He says he'll stop seeing and talking to the other girl. I do not know what to do a part of me is so happy that he and I are now finally ready to start a future, but how can I forget that he slept with her. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to start over and I don't know how to get over these feelings of betrayal. We ended the conversation saying that I would think about if I wanted to start over or if I never wanted to talk with him again and end it for good. I am so scared to lose him and to get back together. Is it possible to forgive?

Dear Boromir, The feelings of anxiety you are feeling regarding calling your ex are just temporary. I know it sounds so cliche', but it is true and I hope that it offers you some comfort knowing these feelings will fade. The reason you want to cumpulsively call your ex when you know the relationship is over is usually a reaction to your feelings of loneliness and hurt. I had and still have the same anxiety in wanting to call an ex who no longer wants to be with me. Here are some suggestions that might help you to deal with the anxiety: 1) Listen to angry breakup songs: Even if you are not into hard rock or certain genres of music there are a lot of good angry break up songs that jolt you out of wanting to talk to your ex. A couple examples are Linkin Park, In the End or Eamon, F**k it. Songs effect your mood and listening to an empowering song usually helps. 2) Watch the movie Old School: this movie is officially the funniest movie! Also the main character Mitch, goes through a break up that will definitely make yours seem not so bad. 3) Mentally imagine what the conversation would go like if you did call your ex: About 99% of the time when people call their ex's it makes them more upset than they were before they called their ex. By imagining what unfulfilling things your ex will probably say, it will usually make you realize how much you would rather not talk to them. These actions usually help me when I am hit with the panic of having to talk to my ex. I am proud to say it has been 61 days since we broke up and I have not called him once. I know that not calling is the right decision by his silence and you'll know that not calling is the answer by her silence. Unfortunately there can be no pleasure in life without pain and it stinks that you are in the latter. I hope this helps you cope. If these suggestions do not help there is always the good old option of getting so drunk you pass out so that you can't call the other person. *I do not advise this option unless you are absolutely going nuts, which lets face it we all go sometimes during the healing process.

Dear JSHRN, A relationship takes the commitment of two people, and it sounds like right now you're the only one making an effort. I hate to say it, but it has been my experience that when you are dating someone and they tell you "I need space" it usually means that a breakup is going to happen sometime down the road. Think about it, when you are totally in love with someone don't you want to spend more time with them, not less. My exboyfriend used to continually pull disappearing acts just like this and he eventually ended it saying, "I need to be alone right now." Looking back on our relationship I can now see that he was pulling away everytime he distanced himself away by not calling or seeing me. I know how much it sucks to be emotionally dicked around by someone and I am sorry to hear that you are in this situation. All I can say is you need to demand better treatment. Your feelings are important too, you should not be worried about hers all the time; especially because she does not seem to be the concerned with yours right now. I know it is hard to meet good people, but you should not stay in a relationship where it makes you feel worse and not better. I hope this helps you cope with what your girlfriend is doing to you.