Springs

I'm exhausted with this * * * * . This should be all I need to move on, but I can't. You don't care about me. I just wish you would say it and be a man about it.

I text you... hate myself...ahhh hate hate hate myself. I'm stupid.

Arggghhh I want to text you so much...I can't bear this limbo anymore. I just want to know. If it's a no, don't drag it out another week. I hate this. I know I need to give you space but this is killing me, seriously!!!!

I miss you. You are my everything. You always will be. I wish it was this time 2 years ago. I was happy.

This hope that I have is going to shatter me. I know it, but I can't stop. You said give you time because you find this so hard. Why do I think that means you want to get back together? I am so stupid. I don't want any more pain. I am not strong enough for it, really. I wish you wouldn't drag this out. If you don't want me, just * * * * ing tell me so I can move on with my life. I wish you would just tell me...be a man. I am more of a man than you, and I'm the girliest girl ever...seriously...be honest, be strong, and do the right thing. I love you, but I do not deserve to be dragged along the ground like this. Please, it's me. You know me.

I want to marry you. I hate myself for feeling this, but I do.

I love you I just want to call you up and make sure you know exactly how much.. Please don't forget how you loved me. Today I remembered how it felt to kiss your beautiful mouth...you are pure beauty. I swear ****, it hurts so much to remember. To think that I had you there all that time...I would never let you go again. And your face..your perfect face. Remember how you used to imitate my accent and the way I said 'face'. Everything reminds me of you. We are so connected. I must have imagined it all. That person who used to hold me would be sure he wanted me. Please make the right decision. Don't give up on me. Yours forever...x x x

Amen....worst day of the week.

I miss you. Just another empty weekend in this hell that is 'without you'. Please God let him come back to me. Please let him see the good in me. All those countless times you held me so close seem so far away. When you said you will always be here for me, always love me. The times we had, the places we went. Remember our first holiday. That was the happiest time of my life. I was so * * * * ing happy. It seems like it was all a dream. Did I dream it? I swear. I swear I will love you for all my days with all my heart. I would never betray you or hurt you. I would be so good. Please, it's me..it's your ****. I love you. Please God, please let this be over.

I wish I could call you and tell you what a * * * * ty day I had and how sad I am. I wish it was 4 months ago when we were each other's everything. I wish I wish I wish.

I hope you're thinking about me right now, and thinking hard about what I can give to you. I hope you don't let me down again. I hope you don't hurt me with your complacency. I hope you prove to me that whether you want to be with me or not, that the man I fell in love with still exists. That I did not just imagine the joy we had for so long, and that I did not just imagine that you really cared. If you think that whatever you have to say to me will hurt me, you are wrong. I am strong now. I am stronger than ever before. You know what hurts the most? Knowing you love me so much but won't be with me. I hope you give me a final answer so I can have some peace on move on with my life. The life that was put on hold for you. Please, have some understanding for me, your love, your **** ***** xxxxxxxxxxxxx

I wonder if you know how much it hurts me for you to block me out after telling me all those things? What do you expect from me...seriously...if you want me to move on, why tell me you love me so much and not expect me to question things? I wish you could be inside my head to know the pain my heart is feeling. I am strong now, but there is only so much I can take. I think we're getting close to me giving up on this....

Ignore me again...does it make you feel good. One day you cannot live without me and the next I am dirt. What did I do to deserve all this? You are so heartless and cold. You're not the person I used to know.

You're cruel...cant you just let me know one way or the other...instead of keeping me hanging here like a puppet on a string. I hate you make me feel this way and I let you treat me like this.

As nice as it is to hear you say those things, what is the point if you don't want me back?? I know if I asked you to try again with me, you would get angry and say we''ve been through all this. But you love me so much, don't stop thinking of me and noone else compares??? Can't you see, the higher you build me up, the further I fall. The further I fall, the more I shatter and the more I shatter, the longer it takes to fix me again. I wish to God we could be 'us' again.

I love to hear you say you love me so much and I am so special, you think about me all the time and that you look at other girls and noone compares....I love to hear it but WHYYY why do you say it when you know I am here wanting you so much and you still don't say the words...let's try again. What will it take...how long will it take for you to see how much I can offer you and how much you lost when you left. I don't understand...you have a weird way of showing that you love me. I wish to God you would just tell me you don't want me...please, it's cruel of you to keep me hanging on when you know the position I am in. Don't tell me you love me and not follow it up with anything.

This time last year It makes me so sad to think.. I never ever thought it would come to this, not in a millions years. I was such a silly little girl. I feel head over heels, so deep. So deep I couldn't see. I am learning all of life's hardest lessons the hard way. All because I loved too much. What a terrible punishment for such a lovely crime. This life is not what I thought it was.

My wonderful life full of all those hopes and dreams is gone....I'm so alone. I'm so confused. There are a few different paths I could choose but all of them are dark and scary. I don't know what to do. How did it end like this...how would God let this happen to me. 3 and a half months on and I am still so devastated. I want to move on, and be happy again. I know it won't happen overnight but I want it to get better for me in some way. I am trying so hard. I just wish my little broken heart didn't love you so much still. I keep being hurt over and over again and I can't take it anymore. I want it to end. I can't see any happiness ever again. Why did I have to meet you at all?? It just was not worth all this torture. I wish you could live one day in my shoes and see how it feels to be heartbroken when you're all alone in a place you moved to for the one who broke you. Make it stop.

I miss you so terribly. Last night when I was out, not one of the men there came anywhere close to how amazing you are. I wish you would come back to me my darlin, you know I will always be your girl. I am so terrified about my life. I love you I love you I love you...

And for some strength... One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice-- though the whole house began to tremble and you felt the old tug at your ankles. "Mend my life!" each voice cried. But you didn't stop. You knew what you had to do, though the wind pried with its stiff fingers at the very foundations, though their melancholy was terrible. It was already late enough, and a wild night, and the road full of fallen branches and stones. But little by little, as you left their voices behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own, that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, determined to do the only thing you could do-- determined to save the only life you could save.

North pickle...your poem reminded me that the words of what I am about to post have been swirling in my head for the last 3 months. It is how I have felt and how many feel I am sure... Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone, Silence the pianos and with muffled drum Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come. Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead, Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves, Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves. He was my North, my South, my East and West, My working week and my Sunday rest, My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song; I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong. The stars are not wanted now: put out every one; Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun; Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood. For nothing now can ever come to any good.

I wish I could call you up and know that you would answer just like all those thousands of times before when I took it for granted. If only I knew what was to come...

We will get there, because we have to

Day 1 The longest NC has been 11 days before I broke it. Strangely enough those days were hard but I could see some light and made it my priority to focus on moving on and becoming stronger. I love him, but contact with him only hurts because he confuses me. He can be so hot and cold. One minute I am everything to him and he will always love me, the next I am ignored and discarded. He doesn't know what he wants.