catfeeder

3 hours ago, Kp90 said:

I didn’t know about freezing bit? 

Google "How to freeze your credit". Also, report the fraud to the cards she is using and cancel those cards.

How she feels about it is irrelevant given that she doesn't care one wit about how this impacts you.

6 hours ago, stelalala said:

I am just afraid of making the same mistakes again...

Of course you'll make 'some' mistakes going forward, we all do. Perfection is an illusion. We are always in a state of fluctuating between mistakes, corrections and over-corrections throughout our whole lives. But your awareness of what NOT to do in your treatment of others has been deliberately attained, and so your course in this regard is likely to bring you far more rewards than occasional mistakes. Plus, you've learned how to correct some mistakes, which can serve as your model for corrections going forward. This can often be a simple willingness to recognize a mistake and say, "I'm sorry for that, I should have ..." You'll probably recognize people saying this often during routine conversations--and it's not a big deal. In fact, it's a natural vulnerability that tends to bond people closer, because nobody is perfect all the time.

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I guess why I was reaching out here is that I feel overwhelmed by my regret but as you wrote, letting go might be the only way here.

Our regrets are only useful to the degree that we can learn from them, as opposed to harming ourselves with them. Confidence comes with the learning, while the opposite is true of self flagellation. Your friends have served a valuable purpose from which you can launch into a new future with new skills. Your paths have diverged, but just as you now own the desire to grow into your best possible self, it might be helpful to credit them each with an ability to do the same over time. You may meet any one or more of them on higher ground someday, where hindsight will be much kinder to each of you.

Congratulations on launching a new course for yourself. Credit yourself with having made significant progress, and don't allow fear to rob you of your potential to enjoy it. Head high, and write more if it helps.

4 hours ago, Cynder said:

I wish I didn't let this conversation get to me.  I can't pick what I ruminate on.  I need to cut myself some slack here and remember I do have OCD, and people with OCD ruminate on things. 

I hear, and I hope it's some comfort that, OCD or not, most people tend to ruminate to some degree after they've been stunned by getting socked in the face with something said to them that's so rude and accusatory and downright anti-social. Yes, such a thing speaks entirely about the one saying it, but I used the word 'stunned' for a reason--because no reasonable person would ever say such a thing, to anyone.

You were raised to be tolerant of this kind of abusive comment, and that's unfortunate on so many levels. But the one fortunate thing is that your intelligence over-rode the conditioning, at very least to the degree that you are resilient. But since your healing from the Z breakup, you've grown more into a take-no-$hyt kind of customer, but that doesn't mean you won't encounter some moments. And this one would have anybody reeling, if not from questioning where that statement came from, then from wondering, "Did that really happen?"

Point is, you're in good company, because I think that this is less about OCD, and more about W T F?

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The person who said it defined choosing to be single instead of dating someone as being a victim, etc.  That doesn't even make sense.  So, I will continue keeping my distance from them. 

That's exactly right. Sure, there are those who believe that enjoying a partner-free life must somehow be a choice based on trauma, simply because they, themselves, could never own the backbone to consider such a thing in a positive light. So this person decided to link that with self pity, which IS ridiculous. But even that is only a step away from blaming someone else for their own ignorance and discomfort.

You're right, skip that. You have friends, you have multiple talents, and you have a focused discipline to incorporate your creativity into your daily life. Few would ever be able to keep up with you, and that alone can intimidate some people into turning hostile. It might be helpful to remind yourself of that whenever you see the worst in people coming out on you. You're not a magnet for this stuff, you're a mirror. And that scares the bejesus out of some people. Have you noticed? 🙂 

16 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

... as @Lambert posted, if you're not attracted to him, or don't like him for one reason or another or for NO reason, sometimes people just don't click, you don't need to create a reason.

This ^^ is a valuable point to punch. Consider whether this concern adds a turd to an otherwise fabulous punch bowl, or whether you simply don't feel the right connection with the guy yet you believe that you must raise a 'good enough' reason for that.

As the great women above point out, you aren't required to have a concrete reason for not clicking with anyone. Follow your gut, and you don't 'owe' anyone any explanations for that. "...Just doesn't work for me..." is a perfectly valid reason to exit from dating anyone you don't want to date.

Head high.

If you opt to impart such information, which is readily available to the public and your ex, the signal you will send is that you are stalking her social media and overstepping into her privacy. That would speak of you, not the guy, and it would gain you absolutely zero in terms of credibility and trust.

I'd hide her feeds from myself and move my focus onto building up my own interests, self development, social life and a fabulous future. Head high.

5 hours ago, Jinaa said:

... I was advised to look for opportunities in other European countries where they are more opportunities for international students or workers to have a long term career.  In Italy it is super hard to get opportunities like that.

I would question that advice, because accepting it lands you 'definitely' in that very same feared situation TODAY rather than the 'possibility' of facing it after you've gained even more credentials, which would better enable you to find the proper work anywhere else in Europe--a situation which doesn't exist for you today.

If the poverty of your own country amidst zero opportunities doesn't dishearten you more than the poverty of living amidst wealth, where part time jobs within your field may be possible, then here you are. But I'd avoid the potential mistake of "contempt prior to investigation" by researching how other students might either thrive or wilt in Italy, how they manage, where they might gain part time jobs while studying, and whether their credentials might be somehow more or less valuable than from anywhere else.

Especially consider that you'd at least be gaining those credentials instead of hiding from provincial criticism at home. Isn't one opportunity to gain the degree worth researching and considering in favor of zero opportunities?

4 hours ago, Loka56 said:

Update: Your responses really help. I also talked about this with my therapist, and now the urge/thought of digging up their texts is totally shut. 

Thank you for the update, and so glad to hear this. Enjoy your relationship!

3 hours ago, yogacat said:

I mentioned earlier in the video that right out of high school I was making over $100K a year with no formal education working at an ad agency, but that that is not what inspires me to help those who need it most,

I hope you're willing to consider that this ^^^ may have been her issue. It's probably not a great idea to flaunt wealth in front of a cause that deals with poverty. It doesn't send the message you may have intended.

I do agree with you that flaunting sexuality isn't any better.

3 hours ago, Shaz48 said:

It seems a stupid problem but it is getting me down, i dont seem to be able to tell her how i feel though. 

Not a stupid problem. Your Mom has the kind of martyr personality that drives people away--have you noticed? As for telling her how you feel, consider offering her options, as I did with my Mom the last time she laid that stuff on me. I said, "Mom, I love you and that will never change. But if the price of trusting you with my private information is that you will make me feel lousy about it, you'll hear less from me, not more. Your choice."

She grumbled a bit, and I simply said, "It's up to you, Mom. You can try a little encouragement instead of criticism, or I'll just stop telling you things that will trigger criticism from you. We can talk about the weather. Your choice."

I don't remember what she said afterward, it was probably p!sssy, but I left her to stew with it and over time, and she started stepping up to really try to break her habitual negativity. I think one time I even said to her when she complained about someone, "Well, who in their right mind would want to spend time with anyone who makes them feel lousy all the time? If you'll break that habit and break some bread instead, you may enjoy a different result."

Results are never instant, but pushing back was the best thing I ever did--for her, not just for me.

Thanks for the update. The good news is, this doesn't take anything away your progress, but the bad news is, it feeeels like it does. Cycles are part of the grieving process. You push forward through feeling lousy and start to feel less lousy, and then you feel pretty good and start to feel confident--then Boom! The lousy stuff bubbles back up again.

Take some comfort in the fact that this is natural, and the progress you've made only suffers a temporary setback as you grapple with the stuff you haven't finished resolving. Another comfort can be grasping the fact that most people are NOT our match. This is natural odds. Believing that you've done something 'wrong' might feel like a key to unlocking success with the next person, but that's a load of bunk. This particular woman might have been more turned on by a more assertive approach, OR, she might be full of BS and only reached for that as something you couldn't dispute, while she just didn't own the ability to view you through the right lens.

That's why it's important to just be who you ARE, and allow the chips to fall. The right person for you will view you through the right lens, and you'll enjoy simpatico. But that's rare. It's supposed to be rare, or what would be so special about it?

The goal of dating is to find your 'right' match, not to pretzel yourself in anticipation of making the 'right' moves for the 'wrong' person. Just be you, and that's how you will find the right person for you. Head high.  

12 hours ago, surferchic said:

When I thanked him for the nice evening, he was responsive and kind and asked what I was doing.

Right. So even though you were thanking him, if he didn't ask specifically, you might never have told him, "but I got mugged on the way home..."?

8 hours ago, stelalala said:

But during the final talk...

I don't understand, what happened that made you decide to nix them?

You recount successful therapy and practices, your friends agreed and said all is forgiven, but what, exactly did they say or do (or NOT say or do) that you considered to be so toxic that you felt a need to meet with them to confront them?

6 hours ago, FemmeFire said:

After declining her unplanned visits a couple of times in 2023

Sounds like she's spontaneous, not a planner, while you're a planner, not spontaneous.

Nobody's right or wrong, and nobody's a villain, you're just very different in this regard.

6 hours ago, FemmeFire said:

...she left me a great review and also mentioned that we have a great friendship. She also asked me to see if we could hang out and recently told me she'll call me but never did. 

Right. She has no ill will toward you and likely thinks highly of you. She just doesn't call because she's been declined too many times for her comfort.

What was the outcome when you attempted to reschedule with her? Did you leave that up in the air, or did you invite her to a specific date, time and place?

Maybe instead of taking this mental mismatch personally, especially if there are qualities you enjoy about this woman, why not just send her an invitation to lunch on a specific date, time and place? 

Relying on an anti-planner to plan something is a losing proposition. Invite her instead, and see how that goes.

7 hours ago, stelalala said:

The past 5 years of those were absolutely awful for me.

This tells you all you really need to know.

7 hours ago, stelalala said:

...all 5 of them agreed on the same things,

Did you have various degrees of private interaction with each of these people 1-on-1 over the years, and had you attempted to deal with them as individuals regarding this particular conflict? If so, how did that play out? 

A 1 against 5 confrontation wasn't bound to go well for you. You took them all on as one block, which positioned you against a group-think situation that offered you no wiggle room to keep any given one of these people as an individual friend, separate from the rest.

While that kind of address-book clearing is quite the load of grief to manage all at once, maybe such a clean sweep was the best possible way to rid yourself of ALL the toxicity that could have bled through keeping any given one of these people in your life?

We can't really know, because you're speaking in generalities. However, your therapist and BF know you well enough to have considered all aspects of the strife you've suffered with each of these people, and both are invested in your welfare and best interests.

My heart goes out to you, and I hope that you will find relief and peace. Please feel free to write more here if it helps. You're the one who has come to us, and we're on your side.

2 hours ago, spicyalien said:

So at what point do I begin worrying about her not accepting my follow request on Instagram? It's officially been 25 hours since I sent the request and nothing. It still says "Requested" where the follow bar is and her follower/following count hasn't gone up. The simplest explanation might be that she simply hasn't logged on since I sent the request, but I'm starting to worry.

If she doesn't frequent Instagram, then who knows how long I'll be waiting? I want to message her sooner than later and this isn't helping my anxiety at all.

Not everyone is on IG everyday. Your backup could be LinkedIn. That's a pretty standard place for coworkers and ex-coworkers to maintain contact.

4 hours ago, Cynder said:

I guess I just need to remember there's a reason why I distanced myself from this person. 

Yes, and challenge the 'why' to allowing them back in.

You've done such a superb job of nixing toxic people from your life. Your posts have reflected the enhanced focus on your own creative endeavors because of this--on top of finding new social arenas where people are encouraging and inspiring. So why reconnect with anyone who projects their own negativity onto you this way?

Based on years of you writing your frank accounts and willingness to question your own positions and attitudes, I'd call you a lot of wonderful things, including resilient. A victim mentality doesn't fit with that at all. You've recounted plenty of mistreatment with the skills of an objective journalist--and you've been willing to challenge yourself on your own perceptions, continually.

I'd thank the person for their input, even while I'd avoid dealing with them going forward. You don't need to burn a bridge in order to respect your own boundaries. I can appreciate not wanting to add this person to an 'enemy' list, but there's zero need to cater to anyone who doesn't contribute light to your life.

Head high, honey. Stay true to your Self.

You did great! If you're worried about a continuation of the behavior, have a plan 'B' in mind. It could be raising with the coworker that if she has a complaint about you or your work, you're willing to set up a meeting with management for the two of you to resolve it with them.

7 minutes ago, Lexismith said:

19 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Where on earth do you meet all these clowns? 

Online

And why do you put up with the mistreatment? Just 'next' him and move forward to meet better men.

14 hours ago, Jinaa said:

What advice you will give in navigating returning home, the shame , mental health, facing everyone back home, trying again to make it out of my country. It feels impossible and sad.

Oh, I would definitely rebrand this spin ^^^.

I'd be happy to return home for a long overdue visit with my family, friends and neighbors, who I love and have truly missed. I'd be the opposite of 'shameful,' but rather, proud of the worldly experiences I've gained and my hard-earned Master's degree and my prospects for my future--although I would not brag.

I'd continue to pursue potential opportunities every day. I'd consider the resources I used to apply for the program I've mastered, and I'd revisit those to learn of more possibilities. I'd even explore ways to accept the option in Italy, where I'm sure other students have accepted and are managing to live on the low salary somehow. Research where they live, how they might have applied for additional funding or crowd sourcing, and where they obtain food and the basics of living.

If I still decide not to take the Italy job, then I'd continue my course of returning home a hero rather than casting myself as a zero. I'd embrace a spirit of generosity and throw myself into community aid and volunteer my time and help to others, even as I keep researching and applying for scholarships, fellowships, mentorships, and any avenue of help for myself to navigate beyond this visit.

All of the above, especially your attitude, would make it difficult for others to criticize you, but if you're confronted with an underhanded comment, I'd respond cheerfully by asking whether they, themselves, have studied in Milan, and if so, they're welcome to impart their experience, because I'm considering an option there.

Head high, and don't sink yourself with your own mind. Choose carefully how you frame this, and choose a better outcome--starting with your choice of the attitude you will adopt.

2 hours ago, kevon said:

i dont want to sound inpolite or rash, but i could compare myself with billions of starving african people who dont have food or love.

Sounds like you're only interested in knocking down every suggestion you receive in order to stay exactly where you are. You're the one in control of playing out your own future differently than you have in the past. If you're stuck on viewing every suggestion through your lens of past efforts, then here you are. Do something differently or not--it's up to you.

2 hours ago, kevon said:

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

But do you actually try what they tell you? For example, do they tell you to go out and socialize and do you try to mix up with people? 

i tried. more than "wrong" numbers and "you are a nice guy, but..." wasnt in for me yet.

You're focusing on the wrong stuff. Mixing with people isn't about asking for numbers from women. It's to expand your social life--in general. Forming friendships so that you'll have people to go out with and do stuff. From there you meet more and more people, and your social life will be healthy enough to keep meeting women until you strike the right simpatico.

You'll need to learn how to crawl and walk before you can run. If you're not willing to do that, then here you are.

3 hours ago, kevon said:

my therapist is atm a psychoanalytical one. they tell me to first work on myself, but this somehow drags on and i dont see any improvement, hence iam also struggling therapy-wise.

Consider asking him/her for a referral to some resources and possibly some group work to help you improve your social life. Tell them that you're feeling trapped in navel gazing solo, and you want to expand your social reach. Continue asking for this help in each session until they offer you the help you want.

7 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Yes! Sorry. I couldn't remember the process if you cannot consult a lawyer. This ↑

Yes, legal aid would be one of the resources I'd request, along with a domestic violence counselor who can help you with practical 'safe' planning and offer resources not generally known to the public for safety reasons.

How can we help, do you have a question for us?

Contact your local hospital's human services department for an appointment with a social worker. Ask for resources for domestic violence prevention and a referral to a counselor who specializes in this field.