melrich

No I didn't mind. We were just having a fun night together...few drinks and stuff. She did it for me , no one else and there were only about 10 patrons in the bar. I have never been the jealous type anyway. We just had a great night.

Good for you.

You see, now you have the power. I think your life has just taken a great turn for the better.

My g/f and I went to Thailand before Xmas. One night we went to a bar where they had girls up on stage pole dancing and all that (it is cheap drinks and fun to watch the crowd..lol).

Anyway we were sitting at a table and my g/f goes off to the bathroom. I'm sitting here minding my own business when I hear all these cheers. My g/f has walked out on one of the stages (attracted a bit of attention cos she is the only blonde white girl on stage).

She is dancing and starts to take off her clothes, looking at me the whole time. Gets to her bra and panties and I think.."ok, she'll stop there". She didn't.

So I am sitting there thinking this is fun (and quite a turn on). Later she comes back to the table and I said "how come?". She said the mood took her and cos we did not know anyone else there (unlikely in Thailand) she thought she would do it.

She said she had always fantasised about doing it and she wanted to show off in front of me.

I have to say I loved it.

Do many others have this fantasy? Is it common.

Sorry to hear what has happened. Unfortunately your break up is recent and probably no one can say anything to you that will ease the pain. Only time is likely to do that.

Just keep telling yourself to learn from your past mistakes. She came back to you because you made her feel guilty about the break up. That never works. Don't hassle her. As hard as it is let her go now.

Sorry these words will sound so empty to you right now. You'll have to go through a bit of pain before it will start to get better.

If a two year old wants a candy and you say no it will scream and tantrum. Then give in and give it a candy and you have taught it a valuable lesson. If I scream I get what I want.

Your gf has learnt this...if I threaten suicide he'll come back to me.

Of course you cannot stay in this relationship if you do not want to. End it. If she threatens suicide call her parents (or someone you know that she respects and listens to) and tell them about it. They can then ensure she is OK (which she more than likely is anyway).

Otherwise you are just submitting to a form of blackmail.

If a two year old wants a candy and you say no it will scream and tantrum. Then give in and give it a candy and you have taught it a valuable lesson. If I scream I get what I want.

Your gf has learnt this...if I threaten suicide he'll come back to me.

Of course you cannot stay in this relationship if you do not want to. End it. If she threatens suicide call her parents (or someone you know that she respects and listens to) and tell them about it. They can then ensure she is OK (which she more than likely is anyway).

Otherwise you are just submitting to a form of blackmail.

First, staying together "for the kids" is not a good idea. Second, financial reasons are not superficial.

I would do this. Get some time alone. Grab your drink of choice. Think about your relationship. Take your daughter out of the equation. Take the job thing out of the equation. Take the financial support from parents out of the equation.

Now what do you see?

Hi SugarSweetness,

DO NOT SEND HIM THE ARTICLE. He will not read it like you have read it. He will not recognise himself and the only message you will be giving him is that there is still hope for him.

Good on you for getting this far but I am concerned you are still having intimate discussions with this guy. That only serves to give him hope. Take you frustrations out in this forum...not in discussions with him.

Remember, while he is trying to get you back he will be whoever he thinks you want him to be.

Sonjam is giving you great advice here. I know it must be so tempting to you to have this sort of "half relationship" with her but I feel you are just extending the agony. Read Sonjam's posts again. You really will not get any better advice than that.

Your title says "everything is well but?"

I don't know but the fact that you have gone a whole month without contact doesn't indicate to me that everything is well.

How long has he been separated from his wife?

Having been through a divorce I can well understand his need for space and his feelings of guilt and probably failure. I went into a relationship about 6 months after I separated and it was way too early. The guilt and stresses of divorce I felt almost killed my new relationship. There is no wat knowing what I do now that I would go into a realtionship so quickly again in those circumstances.

Really I think all you can do is wait and give him space. I don't know if this is going to turn out well for you but there is probably nothing you can do to alter the course of fate.

I guess from what you are saying there are no emails going around that suggest he is doing anything more than fixing computers?

If that is the case then another way to look at this is he is just fixing computers for old friends (exes or otherwise). Loking at porn on the net is only an issue if it bothers you, and if it does you should say so. Many guys will look at porn just because they are bored. If he's doing it daily then maybe you should be more concerned.

The yahoo personnals is a bit different. Is he responding or just looking? If he's responding you should definitely think about what that means.

I would not approach him yet because what you are doing is an invasion of privacy and it is possible that he is just a normal male PC user who happens to help out friends with their computer problems.

The marriage thing? Some guys just don't want to get married. How important is it to you? How do you guys get along otherwise? Is the sex life good? Do you communicate about most things?

I think you have to step back and take a look at the whole relationship and don't let everything focus down on what could amount to no big deal.

i am not saying nothing is happening but I don't think you have anything that you can approach him with and say "hey I have been spying on you and what do you have to saty about this".

Yeah I think if you were in a long relationship (a year plus) then you would expect acknowledgement. I don't think you need to call, definitely don't buy a present. I would just text "Happy Birthday. Best wishes" nothing more.

PricessLinzay is spot on. We probably all know how we should act during a break up and how we want to act. Yet despite our best intentions we usually do one or two or a whole lot of things we always said we wouldn't. Why? Because it is part of the process.

Telling a dumpee not to obsess, plan ways to get back together, wallow in grief is like telling someone not to cry at a funeral. It is a coping mechanism, it is a way the mind keep sbusy and hangs on to hope whilst we slowly adjust. What it is not is the actions and thoughts of someone who is completely rational in that time of stress.

Also in our younger years it is a learning process. I doubt there are many people who have been in love that have not been through his process. And you know what? The second time, the third time, the fourth time you get better at it.

So I would actually argue that the process is valuable and necessary for people to develop into someone who is able to have a mature relationship.

I agree that type of activity rarely works but I don't agree that you should not go through it. It is more harmful to suppress your emotions and responses.

One word though...be wary of your response getting over the top.

I think you have to trust her. She invited you so that is a good sign. I guess I would question her timing a bit but ultimately you have to make a decision either to trust her or ask her to respect your feelings and not go out...that may cause more problems than you want at the moment.

Give her the benefit of the doubt and work on keeping your communication with each otehr as open as possible.

hi mermayd. Lol have you read your post? WHAT you are reluctant because of what other people would think!!!! Because of what he would think after 2 years????? I know I love my partner and would spend every minute of the day and night with her if I could, she feels the same.

GO....lol...normally you are pretty sensible!!!!

Hi Joe,

Look really I think you are doing the right things. Go together to see a therapist/counsellor and start talking. Relationships are all about communication and you need to open up. sounds like you also need to seek help to address this incident when you were 12. It seems to be a big thing for you and may be holding you back quite a bit.

If both of you still want the realtiosnhip then you should be able to make it work. Are you on medication now?

Well I do not think you can just leave it and see if she gets any happier. First you have to address these texts. It is out in the open now so you should be making it clear that they are to stop if you guys have a chance of working things out.

Then I think you should tackle her unhappiness. I mean that is a pretty general statement. What is she unhappy about? Maybe you need to see a counsellor to assist the two of you to getting to the bottom of that.

Sex once a month after only 4 years of a relationship is a concern to. Do you find each other attractive. Does she or you have sexual desires that are not being satisfied?

I think its probably time the two of you got really honest with each other. you may not like what you hear but things will only get worse if you do nothing.

OK then do something he is not expecting. Call his mother/father/best friend and teel them what he has said. tell them you are concerned but do not want to be directly involved. Ask them to check on him.

8. Breakup Panic "The Loser" panics at the idea of breaking up - unless it's totally their idea - then you're dropped like a hot rock. Abusive boyfriends often break down and cry, they plead, they promise to change, and they offer marriage/trips/gifts when you threaten ending the relationship. Both male and female losers may threaten suicide, threaten to return to old sweethearts (who feel lucky they're gone!), or threaten to quit their job and leave the area - as though you will be responsible for those decisions. "The Loser" offers a multitude of "deals" and halfway measures, like "Let's just date one more month!"

They shower you with phone calls, often every five minutes, hoping that you will make an agreement or see them just to stop the telephone harassment. Some call your relatives, your friends, their friends, and anyone else they can think of - telling those people to call you and tell you how much they love you. Creative losers often create so much social pressure that the victim agrees to go back to the bad relationship rather than continue under the social pressure. Imagine trying to end a relationship and receiving tearful calls from all his or her relatives (they secretly hope you'll keep them so they don't have to), seeing a plea for your return in the newspaper or even on a local billboard, receiving flowers at work each day, or having them arrive at your place of work and offer you a wedding ring (male loser technique) or inform you that they might be pregnant (female loser technique) in front of your coworkers! Their reaction is emotionally intense, a behavior they use to keep you an emotional prisoner. If you go back to them, you actually fear a worse reaction if you threaten to leave again (making you a prisoner) and they later frequently recall the incident to you as further evidence of what a bad person you are. Remember, if your prize dog jumps the fence and escapes, if you get him back you build a higher fence. Once back in the grasp of "The Loser" - escape will be three times as difficult the next time.

Hi again. I think you should re-read the article on losers! He won't kill himself, he is way too selfish to do that. This is just another way of getting you to do what he wants you to do. Remember he will try anything. I would just ignore him, don't respond at all...every time you respond he will feel he is gaining more and more control of you.

I raed the other day somewhere that the overwhelming reason dumpers get back with their ex is because of guilt. It also went on to say that this was the worst possible reason to get back with someone.

I know in my situation I broke with my ex of 10 years and have felt tremendous guilt at causing her pain ever since. I know she was devastated with the break up and went through a really hard time (she handled with dignity, never tried to get me back). Ever since, whenever I think of her I have this massive guilt and a feeling that I want to make it up to her.

Do others have this feeling? I know in lots of cases dumpees try and send dumpers on this massive guilt trip. I suppose that is why it is the number one reason dumpers get back together with exs?

How do you guys get along otehrwise? Sex life good? Communicate OK? Affectionate? Similar interests?

Her going out all the time with friends (male or female) may just be due to her personality, she may just be extremely extroverted. Are you introverted? If this is the case then you guys need to find a way to deal with each others personality trait.

The emails you found are a worry. Were they old or recent? Do you suspect anything happened between them? Did you have any pruior suspicions before seeing the emails?

I think now that you have seen these emails you have a right to question her as to what is going on and you have a right to honest answers. Don't jump to conclusions too fast. Get some decent time alon with her and get all your concerns calmly on the table and see how she responds.

Hi Josh,

At your age there is probably not too much you can do to stop zits completely. It may help if stop using regular soap and purchase a proper facial cleansing lotion.

Regular soap is usually too harsh for the face and tends to dry out the skin making your skin then overcompensate by producing oils.

Facial cleansers are designed to clean and moisturise.

Lol...Who knows what she was thinking!! Doesn't really matter. You know if you don't say hi to her one day you may regret it for the rest of your life.

Don't ask her for coffee...just smile at her and say hi one day and see how she reacts. If she blows you off what harm is done and no need to feel awkward next time you see her.

Good luck. If you get the courage up (easy for me to sat) let us know how you went.

This is pretty good, i like the theme. I'd change the line "At least I'll have had fair warning" to "At least I've had fair warning" just because it is a better rythm.

And i don't like the last line "sometime we all must die" it doesn't rhyme and seems out of context. How about something like "so time I can only bide"

Well done.