michelemybell

Belinda, why would you want to be friends with this guy?? And trust me, you will find new friends. You dont want to be around people who hurt you just for the sake of saying you have friends. They are not true friends. I went through a similar experience as you, and walked away from the people that hurt me. It was hard, but I came out ahead in the end. Those people still are living their miserable lives. You deserve way better than these so-called friends. Respect yourself and walk away.

As far as karma, it definitely works but not instantly like we would like it too. Karma works slowly. You may be thinking your wormy ex and the people he hangs with are happy and doing so much better than you. But their truly disgusting behavior will build on itself and they will be left living a miserable existence. Also, they are creating an environment around them that is negative, which will surely come back to hurt them.

Karma will work eventually...and then they will all be running back to you again and you can tell them all to kiss off.

Just my two cents.

Michele

Hey Diva,

Usually guys get squirmish when their girlfriends bring up past relationships--especially when you start comparing.

I'm wondering, do you have reason to be insecure in this relationship? Is he reliable, trustworthy, honest with a decent history with women?

You didn't give a lot of detail about your relationship or yourself. How old are you? How long have you been in relationship with this guy? Why aren't you using condoms with him?

Michele

I'm against LDR for the most part. Not seeing each other on a consistant basis doesn't give you a full perspective of what that person is all about. It's easy to disguise a lot of behavior when you dont see that person. In a lot of ways, it is a "fantasy" relationship. It never becomes too real...and when it does, it can be disapointing.

Also, it's truly hard to be truly intimate (close) with someone on the phone or over email. It may seem like it, but true intimacy comes from being with the person in person.

And like you said, if one person's feelings change, it's really hard to respond to or deal with it between the miles. It's ultimately a frustrating experience.

I went through a LDR that ended a lot like how you described yours did. I have a feeling that the guy you were seeing would've done the same thing if you lived around the corner from him. A lot of times people with true commitment problems embark on LDRs and when it becomes close, they run---just like they would do normally. I met my ex on the internet, which is unfortunately a haven for commitmentphobe people. As soon as it was to become "real" for us, he backed off claiming that I was invading his freedom and space. Oh well?!

Michele

No contact is no contact in any way. No texting, no calling, no emailing, no driving by, no looking him up on the internet, no contacting his friends or his family.

It is the only true way of letting go. (And in some cases, it is the only true way to get back together!)

Hi Cleverme123,

This doesn't sound right.

You have every right to be suspicious. And, if he truly respected you and your feelings, he would end his "relationship" with this woman, no matter if it was innocent or not. As his wife, he should be putting your needs to the forefront---not catering to his exes. And he seems to be disregarding the fact that this is making you uncomfortable.

The fact that there are children between all of this is sad. I'm surprised you didn't leave a long time ago. If it were me, I would put my foot down on this one. Tell him it is either you or her, and you want him to have no contact with her. Unfortunately, you're always going to be looking over your back wondering if he is still talking to or seeing her...and he probably will.

He seems to continue on with this woman because he sees no real repurcussions to his actions. He sees her, you get mad and fight with him...but nothing changes so he continues. You need to be a tad bit stronger with this.

Just my two cents.

Michele

Hi Skeeter,

You said in your initial post that she knows you want her back, and you do just about everything for her. And she has a honey on the side who she can have fun with. Sounds like she's having the best of both worlds without having to follow the rules like any married person does. Not fair.

While your ex is having her cake and eat it too, what have you done personally to get on with your own life? Are you taking care of yourself? Are you enjoying hobbies? Are you dating or at least mingling with other people in social activities? I agree with the other posters. Stop doing favors for her and giving her the benefits of marriage without her having to commit. That's not right. Have a life outside of her. Spend time with your kids but distance yourself from her socially. Let her see how well you can do without her. My favorite book on how to turn the tables on someone like your wife who is giving the runaround is Intimate Connections by David Burns. The books main point is that you will be more attractive to the person if you let go and have your own life. There is a good chance that once you do, that person will want to have a relationship again...and this time you will be in the driver's seat in the relationship. You might find out after working on yourself that you dont want her back afterall.

Your ex has you p-whipped and wrapped around her finger. You gotta show some balls with her. And, I think she is full of BS about the opposite gender friends. She is trying to make excuses for her behavior that is wrong.

Hope this helps. Take care,

Michele

Very good points indeed Emma.

One point I need to make to a dumper:

--Think twice about dumping, and don't try to come back when you found that the grass wasn't greener somewhere else!! You might just find that your ex is doing much better without you, looks and feels fantastic, and doesnt want you anymore! So, if you decide to come back---expect to be rejected!! And if the dumpee takes you back, he/she still has it in the back of their mind that you put them in 2nd place at one time and will most likely get even somewhere down the line.

Hehe----That's exactly what happened with me and my ex.

DM,

Back in high school, which was quite awhile ago, I felt I was the only one who wasn't with anyone and that everyone was having a good ol' time making out and having fun. I was so depressed. I actually didn't make out and lose my virginity until I was 21.

I came to find out that the same people I was so jealous of because I thought they were having a good time, actually weren't really enjoying themselves...and didn't have many successful relationships. They didn't end up with the people they were making out with. In fact, they were already jaded after being in so many relationships and giving everything away. It didn't really mean anything anymore.

I know it's hard to see this now, but when you get older you will actually be glad that you didn't mess around at your age. It just messes with your mind and distracts you from whats important. You dont need to seek approval by having someone want to make out with you. Don't mistake someone making out with you with someone really liking/loving you. Not at your age.

You are sooooo young---Concentrate on your schoolwork, maybe do some volunteer work, pick up a sport and hang out with your friends and enjoy yourself that way.

Michele

Sure, there are many people that live together and do all the things that married people do but they aren't officially married. A lot of people would argue that it's just a marriage certificate, and it doesn't guarantee anything. Many people take marriage lightly. But I guess I'm old-fashioned in the sense that I see marriage as the ultimate commitment to each other. No more testing the waters to see if things will work out; you are (supposedly) in it for the long haul and hopefully will learn to work things through when problems arise. That is just my opinion.

As far as your circumstance, I think your girlfriend wants her cake and eat it to, and she will continue to get it as long as you continue the arrangement you are in now. Nothing will change unless you take some action, but maybe you feel if you stay, that you still have some kind of hold on the relationship or you feel safe, even if you are miserable. But I dont see anything changing soon if you do remain where you are.

Take care, Michele

hurt,

You are right. A lot of people have gone through what you described. Me included. It was and still is the hardest thing I've ever been through. And I know that even if millions of people have gone through the same thing, it doesn't make you feel any better----and sometimes you still feel all alone. But you will live and get over this.

Time and a new girlfriend will definitely make you move on. But also find some real interests and get involved with them. I know you've probably heard the advice "Find some hobbies" before, but unless you seriously get busy with something to distract your mind, you wont feel any different. And if you can, pick up a new sport. Of course you're going to still think of her, but you'll start feeling a lot better if you can get out of a rut. Trust me on this. It works.

And if you stick to no contact and do other things in your life, I have a feeling Miss Ex will come looking for you.

You take care,

Michele

sad,

I'm sorry for what you're going through.

Honestly, as much as you love the gal and you might be strapped for cash, you need to find your own place. You can't let her have a relationship with you, but not. That doesn't make any sense. Also, I have a feeling once you find your own digs and (try very hard to) move on with your life, she'll change her tune pretty quick. Right now she's taking advantage of you and the situation. Have some balls and stand up to this by leaving. During this time take care of your health and career. Pick up some hobbies. Give her the freedom to find out what's out there----I'm sure she'll be shocked and come running back. And when she does, tell her you want to go to counseling together. If she doesn't want to, say goodbye.

Also, I'm wondering why you two never bothered to get married in 12 years? It doesn't sound like you two were interested in making more of a commitment, other than being friends. Are you two afraid of the permanence and the responsibilities of a commitment? Be honest with yourself. Worrying about intimacy problems before you make a real commitment to a partner is sorta like putting the cart before the horse. And maybe in a way you should feel lucky, because she doesn't sound like she's able to be in a committed relationship, since she can't even communicate or work on serious issues with you. If that is the case, count your blessings and move on.

Good luck!

Michele

Hi Karen,

Honestly, I think you need to stop this now---or seriously, you will make a lifelong habit of looking for validation from men through sex. As you are finding out, this "high" of having a guy want you---even for a little bit---doesn't last that long, and you end up feeling worse about yourself. If you continue this, you will end up alone, used up and bitter toward men. I see women like that all the time, and it aint pretty!!

How do you stop and get your life on track? You refrain from sex, and if you can, from relationships in general---at least for now. Take yourself out of situations where you might be tempted. You set goals and have a schedule everyday. You discipline yourself. You concentrate on school. You get involved in volunteering and hobbies. You discover your talents and why you were put on this earth. Trust me, these are the only ways of getting self-esteem. Once you get on the right path, you will discover that the "right" guys will be interested in you as a long-term girlfriend, rather than a three-minute thrill (which they can get from anyone really--and they probably do).

Take care of yourself girl!

Michele

That's awful Computerguy!

You're way better off without her!

Yes Mike, everyone has it in them to cheat and there will be many circumstances that will test you in life. However, there is a thing called self-control and respect for the person you are with. If someone can't demonstrate those two qualities, then don't be in a relationship.

Also, I find it fascinating that when people cheat, they'll rationalize it. But if they're ever cheated on, it's a whole other story! I hope every cheater gets to feel what it's like to be on the other side of the fence.

heartbroken,

you got some great advice here.

As far as him saying he loves you, I'm sure he has great feelings for you. But he is the type of guy who probably has feelings for more than one person at one time. This does not mean these other girls are better than you. Not at all. You can be Miss America and it wouldn't matter. It rests in the fact that he is a very insecure guy that needs validation from a variety of girls---and it really doesn't matter who the girl is. It makes him feel good and wanted.

If anything, pity him because he is the type that will probably go through life constantly having to seek approval from girl after girl after girl, probably even after he gets married! Honestly I wouldn't want to be around this guy.

But if you want to play his game, the thing that will kill him the most is you NOT paying attention to him (because remember, he needs validation). He will start to wonder what the heck is wrong with him and why he's lost your attention. He knows he has you by a string, so show him otherwise.

Most importantly, you need to spend some time right now doing your own thing. This is imperative because you can't be dependent on someone else, especially this guy, to get you through in life. Pick up a hobby, go out with your friends, or volunteer (you'll meet tons of people your age and have fun too). link removed is a great place to look for opportunities.

"It didn't mean anything. It was a 'pity f***'".

This was an actual line used with me---and I accepted that reason! Good news is, I finally (even though it was one year later) had the guts to tell him to get lost!!!

insomnia,

I wouldn't say that to the other woman. Your ex knows how you feel about her. If she wants to be with you, she will come back on her own. You don't need to tell the other woman about your feelings. In fact, it might make your ex angry. Let your ex come to her own decision.

John, I'm thinking once you really make a commitment to NC she will make a change. I think she knows you're always there, always around. She may even get a kick out of you pining over her. Have you seriously done NC? Where you basically, in her eyes, fell off the face of the earth? (Not literally! You know what I mean!) She'll think you stop caring (you haven't but she will think it). I can almost guarantee that once you do that she'll come sniffing around.

I agree with the other poster----Her confusing statements make it sound like she cares, in an odd way. But it seems that the more you pull her, the more she runs. You gotta do the opposite of what you're doing now and see what happens.

And you are a good looking guy who sounds like a catch. But I think you're so wrapped up in your ex, you've convinced yourself otherwise. Definitely her loss---You just gotta start believing it!

I agree with kauaiangirl. Your ex sounds like he's confused----in one hand, he wants his freedom to do his thing, but on the other hand he doesn't want to lose you. Unfortunately in a situation like this, if you pull too hard he'll back off. When you push, he'll come back. It's really hard to keep a happy medium unless you always keep your emotions in check. This is always a tough one. I say back off and do your own thing for awhile so you don't rely too much on this guy's whims, which may end up leaving you extremely confused.

Tipu,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I, myself, went through a painful breakup. Also, a good friend of mine is going through a similar experience as you----Her boyfriend of four years broke up with her, then he got married to another girl a few months later. It still bothers her, but she is getting better. And she seems to be doing a whole lot better in her life now.

I know you are hurting right now, and honestly there's probably nothing that can be said that will really take away your pain. Your ex just wanted other things----There's nothing wrong with you for that. When I look back at the past couple years, I passed up some amazing guys, who I'm now kicking myself over. But at the time my head was somewhere else and I chose an alternative route, which may or may not have been the wrong choice. It sounds like your ex is from a culture that arranged marriages are the norm, and she probably bowed down to the pressure thinking it was easier to do that than cross her family's wishes and expectations. She couldn't stand up to her family, and that ultimately has nothing to do with your worth as a person. It was just the easier choice in her mind.

It will take some time to get over the pain but you will do it! I promise you it just takes time and you will start feeling better. Just be kind to yourself, get some rest and take care of yourself. Just be patient. You will come out a much better person from this experience. Hard to see it now, but trust me on this one!

No contact can work, even in cases where you absolutely think hope is lost.

My ex broke up with me in March 2003 and I tried to stay in contact after that, to no avail. And even though he refused to talk to me, I stayed in contact with his family until January 2004. I was hearing side stories of him dating other people, which killed me so I broke contact with his family and decided once and for all I needed to let the past go and stop all communication with anyone associated with him. I figured I would never talk to him again since he broke up with me and we had some nasty fights and I did some stupid things afterwards that I thought he could never forgive me for. Well, in March 2004 he emailed me and said he missed me! I was shocked. I believed it only happened because I stopped contact completely and actually finally let him go. Unfortunately (or fortunately!) it didn't work out and I stopped communication this time around! But this whole experience made me believe that "once you truly let go, that's when they'll come back". (That quote is from the movie "Swingers"---it is an awesome movie and highly recommended for anyone who is going through a breakup and dealing with NC.)

Of course, there's many cases where an ex doesn't come back even with NC, but I believe once you start moving on with your life, you win either way---whether the person comes back or not.

Anytime you have sex, you risk pregnancy. Period. If you are young and don't want an unwanted pregnancy ruining your life, then abstain from sex until you're ready for that kind of commitment. Hard to do, I know but I dated a guy who got a girl pregnant at a young age and as much as he loves his kid, it pretty much messed up his life plans. He said a couple minute orgasm wasn't worth the lifetime consequences.

If you choose to have sex anyhow, then cut the risk of pregnancy even more by using a condom in addition to the pill.

John,

I hope you respectfully decline their offer, as good as it may sound. I understand that this situation would help you out financially, but emotionally it will keep you stuck. You need to have a life completely separate from this ex who broke your heart in order to move on. This living situation isn't going to do it. I believe it will make things worse, as much as you think you can handle it. I think that's great that the family loves you to pieces. It shows what a great guy you are and you should feel proud of this. But honestly, if my ex decided to move in with my family, I would think this was kinda odd and I wouldn't think too highly of him and I would think he was doing it to annoy or cling to me somehow. Also, if I chose to live with my exes family, I would feel odd about the situation and also upset if I found out info about my exe's "new life".

I dont think this would be a good situation. I say bite the bullet and find your own place.

Hi steph,

I was wondering what were the circumstances with your breakup? Was it mutual? Were you the dumper or the dumpee?

I see nothing wrong with calling back if everything was mutual with the breakup. But if it was you who was dumped, I would wait with contact until you can emotionally handle talking to him again cause you dont want to put your heart through the wringer again. I think it is okay if you dont put too much hope into it and you dont have any expectations.

Ask yourself honestly if you want to put yourself through the pain again or if it would be better to just move on and explore other opportunities.

Hi Bruce,

I was in a similar situation recently where my ex after more than a year of not wanting to talk to me decided he missed me and wanted to talk again. It was odd because he was asking my friends if I was seeing anyone and saying how much he missed me, but when we talked he didn't mention any of this to me, and even disapeared again!! Personally I think he just wanted to see if I still cared about him because it seemed to him that I moved on with my life. Honestly, I dont believe he wanted to pursue a relationship again. I think he wants to keep me as an option or as an occasional friend, but didn't want an exclusive relationship again---unless maybe his other options didn't work out. I decided that I didn't want to be his backup plan (or whatever he wanted) and severed ties with him for good.

Unfortunately, it's hard to gauge your situation. She may still want a relationship with you in some capacity, but maybe likes her freedom too. There's a possibility that there's someone else she is interested in and she cant decide...or wants attention from a variety of sources. I think all you can really do is continue to let her have her space and move on with your life as much as possible. Dont let her call the shots with your life.