michelemybell

kleptoz,

I'm sorry for what you are going through and it sounds like you care a lot for this girl Unfortunately, you just got to let her be and let her make her own decisions in life, even if they are self-destructive.

I've seen this so many times before (and even have done it myself) where a person seems more attracted to someone who isn't good for them rather than sticking with someone who is a good person and in the long-term would be a better mate. They usually learn their lesson and realize they should've stayed with the "good person" but often it is too late. I am sure your ex will realize this too, but you shouldn't stick around to find out.

I think you should go the no contact route with her. Also get very busy with your life and explore new hobbies and things to do. Get passionately involved with your life and improving yourself. You'll not only feel a whole lot better about yourself, but I'm pretty sure she'll come knocking at your door in no time at all---and this time it will be you who decides whether you want her back. If she decides to stay with the no-good loser, well, you'll know in your own mind that you gave her a chance and she chose to waste her life.

Hi UTP,

I believe in most cases when you visit a GYN, the doctor will say, after initially meeting with both mom and daughter, if they can speak with you privately and answer any personal questions you may have. It is then when the subject of confidentiality is addressed. You can find out where the doctor stands---and I think 99% of doctors will be in agreement to keep things confidential. They want and need your trust. Otherwise you'll end up not answering their questions.

Also, the doctor will ask if you want your mom in the room during the exam. Dont feel bad saying no. Most girls don't want their mom in the room--virgin or not!

I think most GYN's (especially women GYN's) understand where you are coming from. I think the only way your mother will be involved is if there is a serious medical condition---in which case you'll want your mother involved!

Damn, at your age you shouldn't have to be thinking about STD's, pregnancy, birth control, parenthood etc! You should be out having (other) type of fun!! I guess you'll realize this when you get older! In the meantime I hope you take care.

Hi UTP,

I just wanted to say that I wasn't cutting you down or anything. I just think you deserve more in life than that.

My ex got a girl pregnant when she was your age and he was 18 (he was forced to get married to her or else go to jail) and it has impacted his life for good! He is 27 now and takes care of the boy. While he loves his boy, he said if he could relive his life he would've abstained cause it essentially screwed him up emotionally, financially, etc. He wasn't able to do the same things as other kids his age did, such as college and having a career.

I would suggest talking to your mom and rescheduling your GYN appointment for your breast problem. Your mom wont ever know about you having sex, cause it remains confidential between you and your doctor. You can then ask your doctor about possible birth control options. Trust me, your doctor has seen everything from all ages and wont look down at you. And your doctor will ease your concerns about your breasts. I highly suggest seeing a female GYN because you'll probably feel more comfortable with a woman who understands what you are going through.

Anyways, hope you do well. And please consider my advice about abstaining. You have a whole life in front of you and I think you are smart enough to do good things with your life.

UTP,

I think what you are going through is just normal---When I was your age, my breasts felt weird too---and I was developing a lot faster than everyone else in my class.

If you are already having sex, then I sure hope you are going to the GYN, who is probably the best doctor to be seeing for the pain in your breasts. You should also be checked for STD's and AIDS.

I think what scared me more about your follow-up post is that you said you were having sex at 14!!! And that you are checking a condom before, during, and after sex to see if it's still okay? I'm begging you to get yourself into a clinic and see about getting birth control. If you are afraid to, then your much too young to be having sex (which I think you are anyways!). Do you really want to get pregnant at 14? You aren't even an adult yet and you're risking your entire life (and another human being's life) on having sex too early with a young boy, who is not capable of being a father. You'll never know if a guy wants you for "you" because you're having sex with him. I'm not trying to berate you---I just wish you could see how special you are and know that you are worth something without having to resort to having sex at your age. Having sex at your age will only make you feel used up. I dont want to see you go down that route.

I think every woman is different in terms of bodily functions before, during, and after menstruation.

I did look up on a Web site that with some women "vaginal wetness may occur as mucus is produced by the cervix" prior to menstruation.

She may have been spotting right before her period, which happens to a lot of women------and yes, I've had this get on my pants.

And isn't it great that we can all talk about this subject with no embarrassment??!!

Okay, not to gross you out here...but she may just have some extra lubrication prior to her period. I'll be totally honest and say that a couple days prior to getting my period I've had signs that I'm getting it and nothing happens for days.

I think a more important question to ask is why you suspect your girlfriend is cheating. There seems to be trust issues you need to work on here.

My ex broke up with me more than a year ago and it took me up until early this year to break contact with EVERYONE that knows him. It took about two months of complete silence for him to start fishing around wondering who I was seeing, etc., but he never initiated anything more. I realized nothing changed with him, and I told him to get lost!!! It was funny that I did this cause I was always hoping he would get in contact with me again!! It was really hard to be the one who said goodbye this time around, but also very empowering.

I'm really becoming a believer in the saying that once you really move on, that's when they come back. Unfortunately (or fortunately) when they do come back, you often find you don't want them anymore. Especially when you think back at all the bad things they did and took advantage of you.

So, in a lot of cases, the ex will come sniffing around once you establish complete no contact...but oftentimes, nothing has changed!

Hi John,

The only way you even have a chance with your ex is if you go the no contact route.

My ex broke up with me back in March 2003. I tried to stay in contact (and begged and pleaded and all of that) with him and stayed in contact with his family for over a year! I finally said enough is enough and stopped contact and guess what? After two months of silence on my part, he started contacting me! And I realized quite fast nothing has changed and it was me this time to tell him "Get Lost!".

As much as it kills, try the no contact route. It works!

I do apologize Kantore for mistaking your post and jumping to conclusions based on reading that sentence wrong. Wandering, I definitely agree with you. My bad!

Well, just in case you were ever thinking of seeing this girl and others at the same time, then you know our response to that!

I agree with J Sorel. Just let it be and see how things work out and try to reconnect again. Then see if you really want to be in a relationship for good.

virtualjedi, I'm sorry you are going through this. I went through something similar last year---and did the begging and pleading thing too. It was awful. It took so long to let go, but once I did he came knocking on my door and I said NO WAY!

That's what you gotta do right now. As much as it hurts you and you think your life is over with, you muster up every ounce of courage and strength you have and walk away. Instead of moping, you try to find a way to reinvent your life and you take action even on the days you feel like staying under the covers. Force yourself---and make a schedule to keep yourself busy instead of wallowing.

If you do this, I promise you (and I'm willing to bet money!) that you'll feel better...and she'll come sniffing around.

And remember, you are worth so much more than this, and she is not the end all to be all. Learn how to take someone like this off their pedestal.

I hope you feel better!

Kantore,

I think you gotta s*** or get off the pot. You can't be wanting a relationship with her---and telling her this as well---then want to date other girls. Does she know that you want to date around? Probably not. And that's why a lot of women get so confused with men and start going crazy on them!

If you want a relationship with this girl, then work through your fears of commitment to one person and stick by her. If you want your cake and eat it too, then be upfront with her about it and give her the courtesy of deciding if an open relationship is what she wants too.

Hi Lisaria,

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I'm going through a similar experience and I can totally understand how you feel. Just when you feel like you are moving on--WHAMMO, something sends you back to square one and you feel the rejection and hurt all over again. Try to hang in there and take good care of yourself...and remember that one day the tables will be turned. I look toward Angelina Jolie and Uma Thurman for inspiration---Here are two gorgeous and talented women who were dumped by stupid men that decided the grass was greener on the other side. (And then to have to listen to through the media about the women they were seeing! Yikes! Can you imagine??!!) Pick yourself up and dust yourself off and rediscover everything good about you, your talents and your abilities. You'll feel better---and even realize that you're way better off now----and the stories about you as a strong, beautiful and confident woman will definitely get back to him. It always seems to happen that way, and then you can turn the tables on him.

And think of it this way----The new woman gets to experience firsthand all his negative traits. She'll realize too what she's involved with and wonder what she got into. Trust me on this!

Raye,

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I was wondering, what made you want to attempt suicide in the first place? Was it because of your relationship and this guy? If so, I can fully relate to that, since I went through a similar experience with my ex. It got to the point where I started relying on him for my happiness, and when he didn't respond the way I wanted him to, I was an emotional wreck. This is a dangerous place to be, and will make you feel awful. He broke up with me six months ago, and I truly wanted my life to be over. But I realized that if you have the will to get through it (and just the fact that you posted sounds like you do), then there is definitely a way.

What you need to do is pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and look yourself in the mirror and say "I'm worth it." And you are definitely worth something to us here, your family and friends. Please, please don't waste your life over this person. (I try to keep things in perspective with my ex---Would he end his life over me? Nope.) Just because this one guy decided not to be in a relationship with you, doesn't mean you are any less of a person. Far from it. A breakup just makes you start thinking that way. I've been reading a lot about Angelina Jolie, and how Billy Bob Thornton dumped her for greener pastures. Do we think any less of her? No way. In fact, she picked herself up and started doing all these wonderful things with her life. I don't think she would've done these things if she was still with Billy Bob. And she said she's the happiest she's ever been in her life because she is making herself happy.

I would suggest just taking it easy for right now. If you can, try to delay returning to work. You may want to discuss with your parents that you need a couple of weeks off of work to get yourself back together. If you can't take off work, talk to your employer and maybe you can do some part-time work.

I think the hardest thing for me is dealing with the fact that my ex just abandoned me and really does not have feelings for me anymore. You may be feeling the same thing, and it's the hardest thing to go through with a relationship. What I'm trying to work through now is giving up that last bit of hope for the relationship. Until you give up this hope, you wont be able to move on. Absolutely no contact is a surefire way of getting there quicker. That means removing yourself from his life completely (i.e., not trying to find out what he is doing and tracking his moves, talking to his family or mutual friends)

What I am finding helpful is making a list of all the things you would like to do with your life, and making a plan of action to accomplish these things. These are things that are your personal goals---and have nothing to do with you being in or out of a relationship. These are things that no one can take away from you---and will be the only lasting source of true happiness for you. If you rely on someone else to bring you this happiness, you will always be at their whim and on shaky ground. This isn't a fun place to be, as you already experienced.

Make sure to make a daily plan of what you are going to do, because it is very easy to sit around and ruminate about your ex.

As long as there's some spark left in you, I know that you can get through this!! Definitely keep on posting on this board. Most of the people here have gone through the same thing, and we can definitely help you.

Take care, Michele

Why don't you be straight up with her and tell her that you want to end it? Give her the truth why you don't want to continue with it. I think she would appreciate an honest explanation. Hopefully she will be mature enough to handle it. If she doesn't, then you need to cut ties with her and maintain no contact. Unfortunately that may mean dropping out of the class.

Hi,

It sounds like you two care about each other a lot. But I did get concerned reading your post.

You said that you previously lent your boyfriend money and that he was going to start paying it back this month. But then he has this other debt, and you're lending him more money to get out of trouble.

I had a boyfriend who acted very similar---when all was said and done, I was $6,000 in debt and he was out the door. He promised to pay me back, but all I saw was $50 (yet he always found enough money to spend on other things). I loaned him the money cause I wanted to help him. All I ended up was feeling used.

I'm not saying your boyfriend is anything like my ex, but your boyfriend does need to learn a thing about taking responsibility for his debt. When you keep on giving, he doesn't need to do anything. He knows you're there to help him out.

If you really want to help him (and trust me, he will appreciate it in the long run), don't lend him anymore. Let him face his responsiblities on his own like a grown up. I think he will respect you more for it.

Sweetypie,

You mentioned in your post that you and your guy are cutting out sweets completely. For a lot of people, that is hard to do--and it may make them crave it even more.

The best approach is to do things in moderation. That way you're more likely to stick with it. Why don't you bring more fruits and vegetables into the house...and eat them in front of him. Have you ever noticed that most people will not eat fruits and vegetables on their own, but will eat them when they see other's eating it or it's placed in front of them?

Also, incorporate more exercise into your routines---suggest a hike or a bike ride.

Lead by example too---if he sees you eating more healthy and exercising, then I'm sure he'll follow your lead.

I agree with the other posters---he's gotta want to do it himself. If he chooses not to, will you be able to handle it?

Michele

Okay, you can stop him from talking to this woman on the Internet...but will this solve all the other problems you listed on your post about him? You said that "he's nearly impossible to live with", but then you also said you "refuse to lie down and be defeated because of some stupid online affair." You gotta sit down with him ASAP and have a good talk---or you're just wasting your life on trying to "rehabilitate" this man.

And I disagree with the other poster. Many relationships start off innocently on the Internet and evolve from there. Many people leave their spouses because of Internet flings. It really doesn't matter if we think they know each other well enough and if it will last. It happens.

Sounds like you're both are unhappy and really need to solve these problems together...or divorce.

I don't think you're asking the right question here. I think you should be asking "How should I get away from my husband?".

It's your husband that has the problem. You need to stop directing your anger from her and move it to where it belongs---HIM! Even if she disappears, do you think the problems with your husband will go away? I don't think so.

What you need to do is give him an ultimatum---shape up or ship out. And stick with your ultimatum. I have a feeling you've given him ultimatums and he didn't do anything---and you didn't stick with it. So, of course he won't change---he figures you're just giving him empty threats.

Becky, he won't ever change unless you take real action. You deserve better than this.

You know what you gotta do, but there's nothing we can say on this board that will miraculously make you do it. You just gotta find that place inside you that says "Hey I deserve better than this" and go from there. He sounds like a world-class loser and you do deserve better than that. Trust me on this one because I've been through it myself----you will feel even worse if you continue to let him use you. Have the last word (I sure wish I did with my ex) and kick him out!!!

I'll be rooting for you!!!

You might want to pick up "10 Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Your guy is all over this book!

It sounds like you're doing the appropriate thing, but remember that you are no longer a couple, and sometimes friends don't always call each other that often (depending on how close you are). She's going to call IF and WHEN she wants, and unfortunately there's nothing you can do (other than what you are already doing) to make her act or think differently.

I, myself, would find it tremendously hard to talk to my ex (or his friends and family) and find out that his life is going on and he's dating others. I could only do that if I'm truly over him...and I think I need a little more time for that! (It takes time, but I'm slowly getting there!)

Michele

Hi Caliboy,

I remember you from some of your earlier posts!

I read this board still because I'm in no way over my ex, but I've learned to actually function without him---which is quite a progress since when we first broke up more than six months ago. We tried to talk like friends to each other, but it didn't work because it still bothered me that we were no longer together. As expected, we don't talk at all anymore---and I heard he moved to Florida or something, so it's probably unlikely we will talk to each other ever again--especially since we ended it on bad terms. It hurts a lot, and I'm still trying to figure things out---but I've also learned that whatever is meant to be, will be.

My advice to you would be to stop contacting her. Just let it go. Keep on making yourself a stronger person. She will either decide to get back with you, or choose not to. You'll win either way if you take care of yourself and put her on the backburner instead. (And if she decides to come back, well then, it will be you in the driver's seat deciding if you want her back!)

You sound like a nice guy----you deserve waaaay more than she is giving you!

I'm also advising you not to talk to her right now because you could end up on bad terms like me and my ex. It often happens that way because one of you wants the other to see things differently---and then the fights will begin. I would back off and really work on yourself right now. One day, when you have a different perspective and can actually view her as just a friend, then contact her. But not right now. You need to get over her first. Of course, that is the hardest part!!! (One that no one really wants to works through!)

Reborn,

Thank you for the inspirational post! I first visited these boards about six months ago when my ex broke up with me. We got into an argument, and that was it. No explanation, no other reason. He just ended it cold turkey. We had on and off contact via yahoo messenger after our breakup, but his words had no emotion or caring attached to them anymore, and it was very hard for me. Finally we just ended contact, and I heard he moved away, so we probably won't ever talk to each other again.

I decided to come back to this board because I was feeling kinda down. Your post was perfectly timed. I'm glad I'm not going through this alone, even though I wish nobody ever had to go through this.

But, I agree with you----there will be good and bad days, but we get through them. I'm definitely a lot stronger today then I was back then. I'm definitely putting the focus back on me, and pursuing things I've always wanted to do. Sometimes a breakup can be a catalyst to jumpstart your life and become a way better person. While I am sound that I lost someone I loved, and I am looking forward to my new life and all the wonderful things awaiting me. I'm glad you are doing the same!

Michele

Hi reborn,

I'm in the same boat as you. It's been almost four months for me as well and I still have longing for my ex-boyfriend. But I noticed that some days are better than others, and I'm accepting it more that a reunion isn't possible. This slight improvement gives me hope that in time things will get better.

I think part of my problem (and it may be yours as well) is that I dwell on him when I should be doing more constructive things. Also, I've been in contact somewhat with him and his friends (through online chat) and everytime I do, it's not pleasant and makes me dwell even more.

So, to make a long story short, I don't believe it's wrong or strange that you still think about your ex. There probably wasn't closure in your relationship, which makes it hard to move on. I wish I can give you a magic answer to this situation, but the only thing that seems to work is keeping busy and redirecting your thoughts and actions into something else...and of course, be patient. You will get better. I promise.

You're beginning to sound like a broken record.

It's obvious you still like your ex and regret breaking up with her---or you feel really, really guilty cause you know it wasn't right. The new girl is going to get stale for you---if she hasn't already. You want your ex on the backburner waiting for you. Sorry bud, most of the time that don't happen. Try to enjoy your new girl and live with your choice. Your ex will or already has found someone better---she deserves better. Marinate in your guilt and live with the fact that you let a good one go!

kdreger,

Those were great suggestions!! I like #3---thinking about that one really made my stomach turn, but I think it really helped me to think of my ex in a more realistic light!!

Does anyone else have some good tips?