Carolineinthecountry

Ok, we "sort of" talked about it. I explained how I felt--he got pretty defensive right off, but I tried to defuse that pretty quick. We are at a cautious truce right now. I feel like it's only a temporary fix because we didn't get down to the root of things, but he had been on call the night before and got called out, so we were having this conversation with him being awake for 36 hours+ and I just didn't want to get that far into it. He did eventually say he was sorry, but I think it's one of those, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but you shouldn't...." kind of apologies. It's ok for now. I don't feel quite so devastatingly alone for the moment. Thanks for your support everyone!

Tray: I realize that this is basically the same thing that everyone else is telling you, but let this girl go! You've had to make some really difficult choices in your life, and you've stepped up and undertaken responsibilities that men twice your age wouldn't be willing to shoulder. If she doesn't see what a special person that makes you, her loss man. All the time that you've been together, it seems like you've done everything to try to make her happy, but you have to see that making her happy isn't your job. Nobody should have to MAKE someone else happy--I mean, don't make her miserable, but if someone loves you, they should just BE happy to be with you, whatever the circumstances. It sounds like she doesn't just want you to DO things differently, she wants you to BE someone other than who you are. Tray, improve yourself in whatever ways you want to, but ONLY if you WANT to, not because someone is making you! I know you say you only want to be with her, that you don't want anyone else, but I think that's because the wound is still so fresh. I PROMISE you, if you are true to yourself, you WILL find the person that loves and appreciates you. In the situation you're in now, nobody ever thinks they'll love again, but we all do... As far as having contact with the ex, I advise completely AGAINST having ANY contact with her. If she thinks she can string you along, she will. If she thinks she can snap her fingers and you'll come running, she will. BUT that will make you look pathetic in her eyes and lead you to more hurt. Cut her off and move on with your life. Also, as far as your thoughts of suicide go--Please, PLEASE don't do it. PLEASE go see someone--doctor, psychiatrist, priest, pastor, PLEASE don't let yourself go down this dark path. There is light at the end of the tunnel, my friend, and it isn't a train. Please keep us posted! Caroline

OMG Juliana, I've got tears running down my face right now, because YOU GET IT!!!! I mean, my family is supportive of me, and sees that he's selfish, etc., but it isn't as if they aren't a LITTLE biased. I hope that I don't have to do what you did either, but I'm thinking of telling him that I'm not willing to continue with our marriage if things don't change. I'm just really apprehensive about going that far, but I really don't want to go on like this. To address some of the other posts, until 2 weeks ago, I worked full time making only around $10,000 a year less than my husband. That didn't make a difference as far as our money issues were concerned. He acted the exact same way. My salary was direct-deposited into our joint savings account and he never wanted us to touch our savings account. (our mortgage is deducted from it, and, until recently, HIS student loan payments--but I couldn't take $20 out without the 3rd degree). I recently quit my job due to observing compliance/ethics issues in the company--when I questioned my management, they made life very miserable for me at work. It got to the point where it made me physically sick, which is when hubby "allowed" me to resign. NOW, I have the opportunity to do the same job I was doing for another company, and I could work from HOME!! Which is what we've wanted for a long time. Problem is, the opening isn't for another couple of weeks, and I've been off work now for a few weeks already. So he's pushing me to take something else, and then just quit if I get the at-home job in a few weeks. I am not willing to do that because how much sense does it make to go through the interview process somewhere, negotiate salary, begin training and then quit. That's wasting my time and the company's time, and possibly burning my bridge with an employer I may need in the future. So I'm still LOOKING at other job openings, but I'm not sending out resumes right now. He asks me pretty much every day when he gets home "Did you get a job today?" and I answer "No" and that's that. Now mind you, he's never had to "carry" me. I've always worked! He was in the army when we got married and was deployed for around 3 of the next 5 years. I was left completely alone to care for our children and run our household. Then, when he got out of the army, he applied to a technical college in WYOMING and just told me he was going...for 9 months, to the tune of $13,000, most of which we covered in student loans. I was left alone with 2 young children to fend for myself. The only income he had at the time was from the Nat'l Guard, which he used for his living expenses. Any job he's ever taken (including ones where he worked 2nd or 3rd shift, taking him away from his family, and again leaving the child-rearing to me alone) he took without consulting me... Anyhooo, it all adds up to me feeling like I just don't matter to him. He's said before that he would put up with anything to just not get divorced--I guess he didn't really factor in what I was willing to put up with. Ack..........end of rant. Caroline

Thanks everyone, for your input. Maybe I should have been more clear. I HAVE talked to him about it in exactly the way you're saying. Over the course of 12 years, it's come up a few times--sometimes worse than others, admittedly. But after so many years, I know not to come out at him in an accusatory manner and I haven't. But it doesn't really matter. He becomes really defensive anyway. Then he tries to turn it around on me EVERY time, saying, "I never do anything right." Or he completely ignores what I've said and starts telling me what I do that bothers HIM. It's like ](*,) No, I've probably never told him that it makes me want to leave. I'm not looking to hurt him, and unless I was pretty sure I was GOING to leave, I don't see the point. Sometimes, (and yes, I know this is sick) I wish he would cheat on me or hit me or something, so I'd have a clear-cut "valid" reason to pack up and go... I probably need therapy, right?

I am new to this forum so my first post will be to tell you why I looked for it. I am 36, have been married to my husband for 12 years. We have 3 children together and he is an exceptional father. Most people would think that he's an exceptional husband too, and in a lot of ways he is. He is kind, doesn't lie, doesn't cheat, etc. My problem is that I don't really seem to matter to him the way that I think I should. A big issue is money--he harps at me about nearly every dime I spend--I have to be accountable for everything, when usually, all I'm buying are groceries and necessities for our daughters. HE, on the other hand, spends SCADS more than me, but that is apparently ok. He justifies his spending because a lot of it is for our kids. But he'll spend, say, $1200 on a horse for our oldest daughter, $1700 on a 4-wheeler for the middle daughter, and then complain because I spent $20 on taking them to McDonalds! He never spends money on me. I didn't even get a CARD for our anniversary this year. Never a valentine gift. Usually for my birthday, there's nothing, or if anything, something I've picked up for myself and I tell him it can be my gift. His parents are the same way to a certain extent, so I know where it comes from (sort of) but I buy him gifts ALL THE TIME. I make a big deal out of his birthday, valentines, anniversaries, etc. And he'll make a show of feeling bad that he didn't do the same, but then the next holiday rolls around and he still doesn't do anything. Then, when there's any major thing I want, or want to do, I have to fight tooth and nail for it. So much so, that on the few occasions I've gotten my way, I can't even enjoy it! I'm so unhappy. I try to talk to him about it, but we don't communicate well. He gets really defensive, and says I'm trying to make him feel bad, or just says that what I'm saying doesn't happen...how do you argue with THAT? ("yes it does" "no it doesn't?) There have been several times that I've thought, I'd really rather just be alone. But then I think, that's pretty petty, but it does wear on me. I don't want to take my kids away from their dad and a lot of the time, things are really good. It just hurts me to think that I'm not important enough for him to care what I want and how he makes me feel. It makes me feel like he doesn't love me like he should. Ok, that's my rant...any feedback?