Kia Kaha

Don't be too hard on yourself - it's only going to make things worse for you and everyone makes mistakes. The last thing you need to do right now is beat yourself up about it. You're only human after all, so be gentle on yourself. I'm pretty early into the whole no contact thing but I have to say it works in part because of the 'out of sight, out of mind' thing... so that's probably the best solution I guess? It sounds like you have done a lot of work on yourself in the time you've been apart so I don't think that will vanish in an instant, it's just been momentarily 'rocked' and in fact it's probably giving you the strength to know that you shouldn't get back together with him. Follow that instinct, think about the exciting future you could be sacrificing to be with him, and go easy on yourself for your mistake. Good luck, and be strong!

thanks guys, you are all so right in your own ways. I'm not sure what the final thing that broke us up was? That's been one of the hardest things. I really don't think it was because he didn't 'love' me (but that depends on your definition of love I guess). He was completely and utterly cut up when the whole thing went down - I've never seen a grown man cry like that! I ended up comforting him - somewhat ironically... I actually called the split in the end. He got completely * * * *ed up and confused for two weeks and said he didn't know if he wanted to split up and didn't contact me and kept me in limbo... it was awful, and so unfair and so I told him we couldn't go on like that and so we had to split. I realised I would never be able to trust him again if his feelings could so suddenly change - seemingly without his control. I think he just thought everything should be perfect without having to work at it - whereas I relished the chance to become a better person by working through stuff. So he was never meeting me halfway with that, which made things really hard, cause I'm certainly not perfect all the time and never will be! I think this will probably turn out to be a blessing in disguise (once I get over the grief). He had so many gorgeous qualities, but at the end of the day he was a tortured artist who was incapable of controlling his emotions - even when he knew he was hurting me. So - much better to find that out now than later down the track I guess? I would love to be with someone who likes working towards perfection instead of instantly having it you know? But do guys like that even exist? ; ) Just gotta sit out the hard stuff first. Thanks guys, you are amazing with helping with that... I appreciate it so much.

Heya. Well. I have to say I've been looking at these posts for a while and they've been making me feel better... but I'm hitting a low patch again so I thought I would finally try writing... My boyfriend broke up with me a month ago - after telling me how much he loved me and wanted to marry me a couple of weeks beforehand. I had no idea there was anything wrong and felt completely secure, so it was the shock at first that was the worst thing. I completely and utterly loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him... I knew it wasn't always perfect but I was willing to work at it. And there were great moments of perfection. He however said that because it wasn't perfect - he wanted to break up cause he was scared it was all going to get nasty... but he kept it very open-ended like we might get back together. I haven't heard from him since. It was ok for the first few weeks, perhaps because I was in denial, and also cause there was lots of drama and the friends gathered round and offered support you know? But now the loneliness has set in and I can't believe he doesn't feel it too and doesn't want me back. It's very hard. I feel like a big gaping wound most of the time... and it feels like it's getting worse, even though I'm doing all the right things, going out, seeing a counsellor, reading self-help books, writing a journal etc. Does it get better? It feels like it never will sometimes... Help!

Hey there. I've just read your entire thread as I have just (very recently - one week ago) gone through a very unexpected and painful break up myself, and I am finding it so soothing to see that other people are going through similar things themselves, and surviving! As we all will. I just wanted to add a little comment... As I think I have been on the other side of your situation a bit, though have never behaved as cruelly as your ex, I must admit! It sounds to me like she is keeping her bases covered, that she really doesn't think you are the one for her, but wants to make sure she doesn't end up alone. I think this is something a lot of spineless women (and men) do... I can't relate to it entirely as I always made clean breaks with my ex's, despite the fear of being alone, but I can imagine what it would have done to them if I hadn't! So unfair, and I have to say, it makes me wonder how nice a person she is anyway? And also - how courageous? My ex is putting me through similar stuff at the moment, and it's so confusing, I am getting caught up in his confusion (though I have always been 100% sure that he was the one for me) and ultimately my pride and self-preservation got the better of me and I have just this moment deleted all his numbers, photos, texts - everything - from my phone. If it was left up to him, he would keep this going for weeks, months, years, so I have to rise above his behaviour, and remember that I am too good for it! Yes, there is something noble in being able to forgive, but I have to be blunt and say that I think you are in risk of making things worse for yourself. She is a selfish and weak person. I can see that, and regardless of whether she wants you back, do you want that? For the rest of your life? I can tell you for certain there is something better for you out there. There is for everyone. I'm sorry if this is all hard talking from someone you don't know at all - but I'm saying it to myself as much as you! Ultimately, your pride at how you conducted yourself will be one of the major things you take from this relationship, and this is a great opportunity to grow that pride. Don't let her keep you hanging on because she is a coward! Be strong x