tamara78

I have seen many posts about NC versus contact with our respective ex's. For my part I can say that I have done both with two separate break ups. While I am not back with either of my two ex's, I thought it would be good for me to drop down my thoughts and feelings as regards the two courses of actions. Break up 1: kind of a mutual break-up but then I wanted to give it another try and he didn't. I pleaded, begged, cried, did so many of the things I THEN thought would make him see how much I cared for him. I would invent any possible excuse to speak to him, run into him, all the while hoping that he would see the light and come back to me. It backfired. He never, not once, responded to any of my attempts to contact him. The more I tried, the worse I felt, but it was like an addiction. This continued for many months, after which I finally realised that it was all over. While I was fine with the fact that it was over, I was not fine with my low self esteem, the humiliation that I went through and the feeling of unworthiness. I truly did feel unlovable. And this is what took the longest to get over. Break up 2(current ex): broke up with me because he wanted to "sew his wild oats" so to speak. I took in what he said, told him how hurt I was, that I cared for him very much and then disappeared. No crying, no begging, nothing. While its tough, at least I am not suffering from the constant anxiety of whether he will respond, what will he say, will he hurt me, etc. I am just suffering in silence, keeping all the drama and stress to a minimum, all the while knowing that I have done good and am proud of myself - and that, is very important in tough situations like these. Comparing the two examples, I have to stress the importance of doing NC. It really does help keep you sane when your world really is falling apart. It takes a degree of maturity and a lot of self control, but the more you do it, the more satisfaction it will give you. My first ex never had the chance to miss me and the more I contacted him, the more I pushed him away and the less I was in control of the situation. With the second ex, I feel so much more in control of my life and my emotions - and that's what NC is about. And I am sure as hell that my second ex is wondering where I am and what I am up to, but he won't be hearing a word out of me... Hope this encourages people to follow through with NC.

I found this post on the "Getting back together forum" and thought that some of the souls suffering here may find it useful - I certainly did. Many thanks to Jenny for posting this (if you wish to see the whole thread, the link is ) Here is the main part: "NC & getting back together - from a "dumper" ( -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I broke up with my boyfriend 6 weeks ago (I am 27, he is 29, we dated for about 1.5 years). I broke up with him because I felt that he had become so selfish in our relationship. The last 2 months of our relationship were bad- it was a lot of fighting, a lot of him getting angry, a lot of unwillingness on his part to compromise. He became pretty cold towards me, and I felt like I was the only one even trying. I had been trying to talk about it for a while, but he never wanted to, and would refuse to discuss things. He started saying things like "this is how I am, take it or leave it." After a particularly bad fight, after he broke plans with me to go out with his friends, I had enough. I felt exhausted and drained. I ended things, gave him back his keys, and walked out of his house. He was shocked at that. I honestly think he thought that I would put up with this crap forever. That night I think he left over 10 messages on my cell. I sat on my bed sobbing, but knowing that nothing he could say would change things. When we finally talked the next day, and he realized that I was serious about the break-up, he immediately started pressuring me. I told him that I needed some time and space to think about things, but I felt like ending things was the best thing for me. He didn't accept that, and started pressuring me to give things another chance. It made things so much worse. The endless calls were awful. I felt that he was acting selfishly, once again. He wanted to talk, and I didn't, so he just kept calling and e-mailing. No respect for my wishes for some space. It was like his need to talk was more important than me saying that I needed some time. When I would finally break down and pick up, or call him back, it usually followed the same pattern. It would start off nice, catching up. But sooner or later, even though he knew I didn't want to, he would bring up our relationship. It would start off with him apologizing for stuff he did wrong. But he could never leave it there. He would start saying stuff like 'but it wasn't just me.." or "you made mistakes too" and on and on. The calls would always end badly. He wanted things from those conversations I was not able to give him, and it made him frustrated and upset. He wanted me to say that I would give things another chance. He wanted me to say that I was miserable without him. He was always upset when I needed or wanted to hang up. One of my friends finally said- look, you ended things with him because he always wanted things his way. He's being the same way now. You don't have to deal with it anymore." She was right, and I finally stopped answering or returning his calls. I mean, how could I miss him or regret that we had broken up when he was calling and e-mailing all the time, and everything was either upset or angry? When he finally stopped trying to contact me, I breathed a huge sigh of relief. He didn't contact me for 3 weeks. At first it was great. I felt like the weight of the world was off my shoulders. I went out with my girlfriends, was able to concentrate at work, just relaxed at home. But something happened for me in the 3rd week. I started thinking about him, and our relationship. Without all the negative stuff in my face all the time, I started thinking about the good stuff. The trips, the weekends spent together, going out for sushi, watching movies cuddled up on the couch, drinking a beer on his deck while he grilled dinner, and then eating under the stars, teaching my dog to catch a Frisbee, baby-sitting his nephew and doing rock- paper- scissors to see who had to change the diaper, and a million more great memories. I finally allowed myself to feel the sadness, and how much I would miss him, and what a great thing we had, till things got bad. There were a million times I wanted to call him, about good things that had happened, or for encouragement when I had a bad day. But I didn't contact him. I truly felt (and still do feel) that I tried for a long time, and made a big effort, and now it was up to him. He hadn't gotten his way when he was constantly calling and demanding things from me, so I waited to see if anything would happen. At the end of the third week of NC, he e-mailed me. I opened it up expecting another long e-mail about our relationship. But it was short. It was just a "hey, saw this story and thought you might like it"- it was an article about training labs (I have a black lab we both adore). I emailed back a quick, thanks, great article. Nothing more for a few days. Then he e-mailed me to tell me some good news about his sister (she is pregnant). I e-mailed back another quick note asking him to pass on my congratulations. We slowly started talking more, over e-mail and on the phone. 90% of it was jut general stuff, but occasionally he would let me know that he was thinking about us, and had lots of ideas about how things could be better. But he kept things focused on himself, things he could do better. Without the pressure of him demanding things for me, or blaming me, I felt OK about adding my own thoughts about our relationship, and adding things that I could have done differently too. With each conversation, when we would be talking and laughing, it felt like old times, and I would hang up with a smile on my face. He left on Saturday and will be out of town for 10 days – a camping/fishing trip with some college friends. Before he left, he wrote me a very nice email. It wasn't very long- he just let me know that he would be thinking of me, and that he has been giving our relationship a lot of thought, and has been reading a book about better communication, which he is bringing on the trip with him, even though he expects to get teased by his buddies. He asked if it was OK if he called me when he got back, and also suggested dinner at a restaurant I had mentioned months ago that I wanted to try. He also named a date (the Friday after he gets back) and said he had made reservations, just in case I did want to go. I was so happy to get something like this, acknowledgement that he is thinking about things and working on things, and also addressing something that always bugged me (he always wanted everything to be "last minute", while I do like to make plans). But he didn't tell me "Look at me! I'm changed!", he just did it, and I appreciate it. So we will be talking when he gets back, and going to dinner that week. For the first time in a long time I feel some optimism. Obviously I'm not going to jump back into things, but I do feel like we have a chance."

Yes Moonunit, that is exactly the same as my situation. I think it really is the case of just seeing if the grass is greener. He KNOWS that what we have is special but the desire or whatever it is is still there. And he too wants me to hang about - be there as a friend while he checks it out. Moonunit - what happened in the end in your case? Did he come back and of so, after how long?

To Tyler - yes actions speak louder than words and that is exactly the reason why I am having such a hard time accepting that he doesn't care about me. As I said we are in a long distance relationship at the moment. When we are together, his ACTIONS very clearly state that he wants to be with me, loves me and cares about me. It is only when we are apart for extended periods of time that he SAYS that he no longer wants a relationship. But the bottom line is - he said it and there's no denying it...and I am very confused. Bounder - thanks so much for sharing the story. As for your story - I think you were so right in breaking it off with this girl. It seems that she has serious self esteem problems in always depending on attention from different guys to feed her ego. I don't think you would ever have had a peace of mind with her and would have always wondered if she was cheating on you with someone else. Good on you for having the strength to tell her goodbye and seeing that she has already found herslef someone new and is already planning a move to Montreal...well, the farther away she is from you, the better. My boyfriend is an entirely different story. The fact that we are currently apart means that I have no way of actually talking to him face to face for another 10 days. I don't really know what he feels is the problem in our relationship or with me, or whatever else may be the case. I think I deserve some kind of an explanation but am not sure how to approach him. We haven't even spoken about the break up except via e-mail (one e-mail from him to me and one from me to him 4 days ago). I have not pleaded with him or acted clingy in any way. Any advice on how I should proceed? PM me if you want - it should work now.

Thanks Bounder - looking forward to it. What part of Europe? - the very sunny and beautiful south of France.

Yes please - I await your post at your convenience I'm writing this from Europe where its past 6pm.

Yes, you are right. I will make sure that I remember that if he does come back. Bounder can you tell me a bit more about you and your ex - how did she leave (was it on good or bad terms) did you stay in touch after she left you, etc, etc? Should I make one final attempt to see him face to face and talk about this? I am flying back to where we both used to live when we met, next week. All of our communication re break up has been via e-mail.

Bounder, I just don't know anything at this stage. I don't know how I would feel. Judging by my experience in past break ups, I would probably just be getting back on my feet and he would try to waltz back into my life. Of course I would tell you now that I would take him back. But I am not sure how I would feel 6 months' down the line when my feelings will no doubt be rational and not emotion driven. Perhaps all this is good for me too - to get myself together and see whether he really was the one for me (as I thought/think) he is. Should I do NC from now? There are still so many issues that remain unresolved between us but I guess he won't be contacting me as he thinks he got off lightly (I wasn't mean to him or anything when he broke up with me - played it cool)

I know Chai and RayKay...that made me cry...but I guess I needed a reality check. I'm just in shock - wasn't expecting this...

Donster, thank you so much for your comment - it made me feel a lot better!

Scout, I honestly don't think there were any red flags except the fear of committment maybe or the fact that he wants to explore further. Also, our relationship has been an LDR for the last few months, althoguh that was supposed to change with me moving back to the city where we met in the next few weeks. I know he would not lie to me and I know that he hasn't found anyone else. What I do know is that he has confused the butterflies with love and since aftert 18 months with me he no longer feels those butterflies every time he sees me, he thinks that he shouldn't be with me anymore. That aside, we are the best of friends and he wants me to kind of hang in there while he lives out his life (no way, but there you go). I on the other hand am more experienced than him, having gone though break ups before and know whats for keeps and what isn't. I am not going to let him get me down because I know that he cares for me and loves me. He is just too immature at this stage. In fact, I would like him to date and see that what we have is not that easy to come by.

Yes, it is both men and women. In my case, he doesn't really have a particular reason for leaving except that he wants to see what else is out there. He thinks that the relationship is all about butterflies and doesn't realise that it really only begins once those butterflies subside. What gets me is that he KNOWS that he won't find anyone as good as me and is aware that our relationship had no faults. Why???? Will he ever come to his senses? All I can do I guess is stay away in the hope that he realises soon what he is missing out on (I am his frist serious relationship by the way).

What is it about the grass is greener concept and men (especially at age 25)? I have heard of so many stories where men that age leave their girlfriends just to see if grass is greener on the other side. This happened to me - my bf left me because he said he wasn't ready for a serious relationship (not that I was thinking of marriage or moving in together) even though he says he knows he will never find anyone as good as me. I just don't get it. Is it just the case of them not appreciating you enough? I know that when I find something valueable, I do my best to keep it.