Mrs please dont

Many thanks DARKBLUE

Thank you Bell Donna - I SERIOUSLY AGREE WITH THAT STATEMENT. Yes it would be a very good idea to have a ' companion ' of legal sorts with you. I found myself with one policemen after another and kept having to relive the tale each time a new one came on the scene. Very demoralising.

Did anyone read this from ' boyfriend keeps beating me up ' ? Needless to say, the night of the last attack they went right to my ex's house and took him into custody. My ex broke down and admitted everything to them and that is why they immediately put him in jail. There was no need for a court hearing since my ex admitted it all. He knew he would be in jail for awhile so he wanted to put his time in right away. The county judge automatically sentenced him to the minimum of battery which is 10 years because this has been ignored and going on for so long I wasn't so lucky - they arrested my husband because he handed himself in and he was out within 30 mins after admitting 5 years of domestic violence on me. They must have different procedures in USA - here in England they let them out and then in a few weeks they return to court for sentencing.

I will say OVER AND OVER - women who have been abused are not right in the head - and I am one of them. I am truly sorry for you that this woman has returned to the only form of love ? she knows ABUSIVE LOVE - the feelings with abusers run so deep that when they are in a good mood they love so well that no man could compete - the abusers are emotional wrecks themselves when you really get to know them [ either coming from broken homes or having suffered at the hands of an abuser themselves and women can relate to these feelings [ being as we are emotional beings ourselves ] and our natural instinct is to nuture so we women return to abusive partners because WE KNOW THEM BETTER THAN ANYONE and we are also aware that without the lows there would be no highs - we are addicted to the highs of the abusers loving / charms and know we have to experience the lows as well. To be in any other sort of relationship would be experiencing NULL / VOID / EMPTINESS - we have become so dependant upon our partners moods that we are like children who are aware that they need their mother to survive and are so keen to impress her. I am not saying all women think like me but I am trying to explain it from my side; I know that feeling of being embaressed because of who I am with - when someone mentions to me about my ' situation ' I become uneasy as I look STUPID in the eyes of other people for staying with my husband. I can say this with a strong heart though - I KNOW THAT EACH DAY I SPEND WITH HIM makes me stronger because I find more fault with him. The more faults, the more aware until eventually I will detest him so much that there will be nothing left. The woman who has left you has not left you because she dosn't want you - she has left you probably so you do not get involved in something dangerous. Admire this woman for returning to her husband and gain her trust, let her know that she can talk to you ANYTIME and you will not DROP HER IN IT ... we who have been abused find it so hard to TRUST; remember the one person we thought would not hurt us and would protect us is the very one who has - we feel the same as a child would whose mother has betrayed it or not suppiled nuturance and support. In the meantime don't try and save her - it won't work. She has to leave when it is right for her. She dosn't want to cause a scene, she just wants to quietly slip out the backdoor and forget that she ever met the abuser. But she is so afraid running on adrenalin and she has it all worked out in her head and then .... she is scared to leave - to break away from her routine. Then his voice comes back ' no one will ever want you ' and ' no one will ever love you with such intensity and passion as I have ' she contemplates for a while and thinks he is right or fears he may be right and she returns home - if she is lucky he will not have even realised she was going to leave and she returns long faced knowing she has failed in her attempt and seeks out the only comfort she is allowed - him the abuser. I, speaking from experience, know the damage my husband has caused me over the years, and I have spoken to enough other women [ the silent ones ] to know we have been brain washed into behaving a certain ways and we do recognise the ways in which we react have been written about, we have researched also. Does anyone agree that the law needs to be changed : women who have been abused have wasted so much police money by retracting statements and the suchlike and its time that someone stood up and said ' these women need immediate removal from any contact with the abusers ' and the abusers should be sent to court the following day - done and dusted - not allowing anyone to get at the victim . Women are being killed daily in cases of domestic violence - should this not be the same as attempted murder - because that is what the abusers are doing murdering hopes , dreams, spirit and body. Let this woman know you can be relied on ANYTIME - part saying you know how difficult it must be for her. Give her a break she gets abuse 24 / 7 [ nervous disorders etc : ] let her go peacefully. Ask her to remember your number off by heart and tell her to reverse the charges if necerssary. I hope that she and you remain good friends; and she has got one in you , as you bothered to come on here and chat to us. One day she'll call and she'll sound like a different woman and you know what shell probably have left him.

Thank you Bella Donna for your reply I know as well as most do that a restricting order isn't worth the paper it's written on. He was told by the police to not contact me - so he did as soon as he left the police station. We are talking about a man who dosnt care about laws . I have thought about going to church but Im not churchy minded [ my faith in God is lacking somewhat - plus with all the stories about priests etc : I wouldnt trust them either ] My faith in mankind is rapidly depleating. I was once a little girl with dreams of white wedding dresses and happy children - now I have pain, misery and torment. I wish there was a website that offered fresh starts for life - if you can just get yourself on a plane.

I guess I have - the courts said he needed help and have ordered a domestic violence program and probation. He uses the fact that he was abused as a child and had a flawed upbringing as a way of excusing his controlling behaviour. I cant be the first woman who thought shed never get out - one day I'll get on a train and never come home again. He will report me missing and that will be that. As for my children I will either wait for them to leave home or will take them with me - I will know when the time comes. I WILL NOT RELY ON ANYONES HELP except my own. I have seen first hand the uselessness of the services. What the services should do is on the first proved account of domestic violence put these men behind bars for however long the woman has had to endure the violence. Thus forcing the woman to spend time alone and allowing her to readjust to NORMALITY. The law gives the abuser to much freedom inbetween court cases which enables the abuser to ' get to ' the victim. Has it not been proved that women who have endured domestic violence are in need of counselling / mental help showing that they themselves are not of sound mind to make responsible judgements of what is right and wrong. I wish people had pedigrees like dogs - you could distinguish between bad breeding and good couldn't you ?

Ive seen the PROTECTION - there is none. Even if he went to prison he would get out and look for me - he would blame me for him going to prison. He has broken my spirit and I am recovering every day just a little more but I cannot let on to him how well I am getting on. I sit paitently waiting for him to go off with someone else [ which eventually he will as I look old for my age ] and then the new girlfriend can have his ' LOVE ' and he will leave me alone. I have learnt the art of making everything appear ok when it isnt. I reckon I deserve an oscar. Inside I am very angry. In life what goes around comes around and I can wait - and wait and wait. I know he is fed up with living with me - he must hate his life so much - he is always drinking and smoking his life away becoz it is so bad. I used to think that it was because he was with me and I wasn't making him happy. Now - I dont care I just think hes a skitzo - he has such intense feelings and dosn't know how to handle them.

I did get practical help - a disgusting refuge and I was made to feel like a lesser being . The nearest shop to the refuge was 30 mins walk so I thought Id take my children to the pub accross the road for a drink. When I got to the pub there was a sign saying no visitors or staff allowed from the refuge ! I am just now getting some practical help but I am unable to leave as I dont really go out of the house as I am relatively housebound with Fibromyalgia plus he has all the money. You ask what I am afraid of ? Well I used to be scared that he would kill me but now I look at death as a release. I am scared to spend the rest of my life in the care of the services .

Because my husband refused to answer the door they went away and did not arrest him. I was in a refuge with my children, sleeping on urine stained mattresses being eyed up by the owner. I went to the council to get rehoused and they told me to go back to refuge which I refused to do. Instead I telephoned my husband at our marital home and told him to get out as the police were going to arrest him for 5 years of domestic violence - he left and went to his sisters. I then contacted the police myself and said that I wanted to get back into my home and they checked my house before I went in to make sure he wasn't there and then as soon as they left he was on the phone. I never did get any real support. I had one officer who did try and help but he kept giving me telephone numbers of domestic violence supprt - which is ok but I am not a samaritan case - i didnt want to talk I wanted practical help. It took all the effort I had to leave and once I was back in the house I was ill again from the stress - and guess what - my husband came back to look after me and the kids because I was so bad !

I am so fed up with being in this relationship and feel that although there are lots of places to chat and get it off my chest that there is no real PRACTICAL help for me. I married someone nine years younger than me - he saw my ex boyfriend hit me and he ' CAME TO MY RESCUE ' and SAVED me ! We were married within 6 months and I was pregnant. The first time he hit me was when I was nine months pregnant. He smashed up my home [ I already had three children ] and it was just before Christmas. I forgave him because I never had a man make me feel so WANTED. From that moment his respect for me was gone. I was older than him and he seemed to look up at me to help him through life [ his mum was an alcholic and his father was a drug user - he had his own hang ups and I think he fed off my good nature to make himself look good ]. Every three months he would become violent because I had spoken up about issues that were serious concerns but ones that he did not wish to discuss, so he became intimidating and I learnt to back down or suffer the consequences. As the years went on I learnt every trick in the book to try and keep this ' man ' happy. I neglected my childrens emotional welfare, I neglected myself, I gave in night after night and would occasionally try to say no but he would retaliate by ripping off the bedclothes and switching on the light and accussing me of not wanting him or of having someone else. I have been sexually abused so much that I suffer from bouts of B Vag. He really laid into me one christmas and I had a black eyes, bruises over my body and a huge bald spot on my skull where he pulled my hair out and although my doctor was aware that I was in a domestic violence relationship [ which he said you wont be the first and you wont be the last ] he just did not want to see how bad the situation had become. My husband called my doctor and from my bed my doctor said I had Fibromyalgia [ similar to Gulf War syndrome ] . So my husband - my abuser - became my carer. He even said that he liked it when I was ill, as I needed him ! My children learnt not to atagonise him and for 4 months I was in my bedroom. I could not look anyone in the eyes and finally I had a nervous breakdown. My husband was so good to me and I saw a completely different person. I think he felt guilty and has since admitted that his violence gave me Fibromyalgia. As the years went on I went out less and less - I tried everywhere to get help and my love and sympathy were being replaced with anger and frustration. Finally this year he hit me again in front of his family. I left and went into refuge - in there I was made to feel as though I had done something wrong - I was being punished for what he had done to me - he was in our home. I made a statement about the last 5 years and took him to court. He was terrified and I explained that he needed help as I could not believe that anyone can be that evil. He got to me though. He phoned me and begged and pleded as he usually does and I gave in like I usually do. I then tried to get all the help I could to remain focused on getting him away from me but all to no avail. No matter where I went for help they were useless. No one could protect me from him as he has no fear of police or prison. Finally after taking him to court and getting him done for battery again [ 2nd time ] he is being ordered to seek help and has been prescribed drugs for Bi polar disorder [ although he has not been medically assessed ] - he still smokes and drinks away our mortgage money [ £600 a month ] and I am at the point of being taken to court for outstanding debts and will probably loose my house within 6 months. All I can say to the services is thank you for finally getting in touch with me 4 months after me trying to leave him and for sending me for counselling - but you are TOO LATE. He is back in my life ruling me again. I have no money he takes the lot and I have no way of escape as he has disabled me with Fibromyalgia - so who would take care of me - let alone the kids. IF YOU READ THIS AND ARE THINKING OF LEAVING HIM - go now before he disables you too. I am a lost cause but you dont have to be.