Not Thinking

Well guys we talked for about an hour the other night. More or less about the days we spent together, and the other things that happened. Both both agreed that there were no regrets about being initimate with each other and how close she feels to me. We also discussed how we value each others friendship. She is one of these people that does not really show her feelings openly but she did say she was sorry that she was not as affectionate as she should have been. Not really talking intimate but holding hands, kissing, and basic displays of affection. I can not really read her or in fact I maybe over reading. The only thing I am going to do is play it slow and let it play out. We txt each other and talk pretty often but are not getting into the relationship stuff. If/when we get close and the contact potential is there I am going to find some clearer guidelines. However, right now I want to see where this goes. By the way I care for her and her son alot and I want to just let her know but I do not want to freak her out of screw up the friendship. Thanks for any help.

Hi Gang.... Sorry I have been out for a while but life has really taken off for me, since the ex and I split up. She went her way and I went mine and I am so happy I am out of that nasty and toxic relationship. Now with great humility I ask you guys for help on a good, so I think, issue. Everyone comfy? Here we go.... I have been talking to another ex of mine, of course not the one mentioned above. She and I dated for about a year in 95, she was 20 and I was 25. We ended up spliting up for various reasons and both of us moved on. I missed her very much when we broke up but such as life. She had a baby from the guy she left me for and I also found out she had cheated when we where together. We did not speak for a little bit and I eventually got over everything that happened. After a time we begin to talk to each other on a regular basis and became very close friends. We have been close to each other for the last 10 years and are basically invloved with each others lives, talking on the phone, talking to her son, and so forth. A few weeks ago we spoke on the phone for about 2 hours. I thought something sounded strange but did not pay attention to it, I do know it was not the normal chit-chat. She called me a few days later and I could tell that she had a couple of glasses of wine in her. She made comments along the lines, "you have always been good to me", "my son has a lot of respect for you", "you should have been my son's father", "why can't we have a baby", etc.etc.... I played it off because we all know that wine influence our thoughts. She called me back last Monday and I could tell that she had been drinking, she is not a drunk so let us not get the wrong idea. She said she wanted to see me and wanted me to come to the Louisiana, I am in Viginia. I jumped one a plane that night and she picked me up the next morning, I may have let my feeling get carried away by getting on the plane so quick. She, her son, and I went downtown had lunch had a great time and so forth. The father came to get her son and she and I went out, we both got a little crazy and ended up in bed. We had not been physical with each other in over 7 years. We got up the next morning and never really mentioned what happened. We left the house and went back downtown, had lunch, dinner, and a few drinks. Needless to say it was a replay of the previous night. Right now I am not sure how to handle this. She is very close with her feelings but we all know that drinking can make a "true you". I have a strong feeling for her but am trying to protect myself because of everything that happened. I have not talked to her in a couple of days and waiting to let her move. Let me know what yall think....

OCD you hit the nail right on the head. The only thing I make the daily effort to do in my life is just be a "good man". It can be with someone or more importantly for yourself. I consider myself a good person and I am sure that one day, it is going to come back to me ten fold. By the way you handled the situation very well...congrats!

I feel your pain. Mine left me for another guy. Just work on yourself. We have some great advice on this board. I know it is very hard to put into place but it works. Focus on you and listen to the "Cool Man" and the other members, everyone here speaks from experience. Good luck!

Hi Gang, I thought I was doing better but today was a kick in the nuts. If you read you can get up to speed on the issue. I do not know what triggered it but it was really bad. I had to go to my apartment complex to handle some moving issues. I saw her car there and it made me a little, no a lot, upset. I am proud to say that I have not broken NC, but it gets really hard. We have been broken up since October 5 and have been NC for a week. She broke the NC recently and I held strong for over two weeks prior to that. I thought I was getting better but I feel off the wagon hard today. I am not going to wrtie too much because this will turn into a pity party rant. I hope you guys are doing better than me.

I have been doing pretty good, or getting better, over the past couple of weeks. She broke NC yesterday and I was very something, not quite sure. It has been a month since we broke up and a little over three weeks since we had talked. I was happy to hear her voice but I did not lead on. She called when I was asleep and asked me about a gym membership I bought for her birthday awhile back. The conversation was very quick because I was barely awake I could tell it was almost awkward for her and she was not sure how to feel. I called her back, and she picked right up, when I was a little bit more awake. The conversation was very "matter of fact". I was not cold or warm, but just almost on a professional level. I could tell that she was wondering if I was going to talk and when I cut off the conversation she sounded a little bit disappointed, I know do not read too much into this. I am going to go with the LC, instead of NC, because I feel as though my strength is rising. I can almost feel the power swinging in my direction. Now, is this a free ticket for her to walk back into my life? Of course not. She will have to earn my friendship by showing me the respect I deserve. I do not want to sound arrogant but I should be given the same respect she wants. Guys go with NC to begin with then when you are strong enough go with the LC. I can not stress this enough, only when you are strong enough.

Ripples, I am so proud of myself with the job issues. I can not really get into because of sensitivity issues, but I will quote a favorite song....."my future's so bright I gotta wear my shades". It looks like I am going to get on the job market around the first of the year. The news I got was from the company,"You just got through the hardest step". Coooolsome, It is hard not to see her/his car because it is right in front of the security gate as I drive in. She is also the manager of the aprtment complex I live in. The apartment complex was destroyed by the storm and everyone had to move out. I am not sure if I am going to move back in or not. The other managers want me to stay there and help with security. Now the issue at hand. Do I let my ex run me out of the complex or do I stand up and stand my ground? I think it depends how strong I get over time. I feel myself getting better each day. I have a great family, friends, job, and education. I see it as her loss, and I know she has been told that by a few people. It is a major blow to my ego what she left me for and the love, stability, and affection I gave to her. Again, do I love her and her son? Yes and always will. Can I forgive what happened? No, not right now because of the damage done. Like the COOOOL man said, "No matter what she does the only thing that is a definite is if she calls you up and says Im sorry, I made a mistake, I want you back. Other than that, nothing she says is a hint she wants back in." I wish everyone all my best and I guess I will go ahead and make this a running diary. I hope everyone does not mind me pulling this back all the time. Good luck to all and God's speed.

Well on 05 Nov we have been broke up for a month, on the same day I have been NC for 2 weeks. Guys! It does get better for us! Do I miss her? of course. Do I love her and her son? very much. It still hurts to se his car in the apartment complex, but I see she is spending a lot of time at home and his car is not there too often. Am I reading into this? a little but it helps me go through the grieving process. I still laugh when I saw this guy and that always puts a smile on my face. You left me for that? As I said before she wants the great house, good husband, kids, go to school, and all the other things, this man will not even come close. That is waht makes me feel better. I am the better man with everything going for me and she is getting distant each passing day and I mean that by me focusing on going up and I know in my heart she will fall. I am sure that I will get the phone call one day and I also know she thinks I will fall back in the blink of an eye.....I do not think so, of course it is hard and I never want to see her and her son suffer but that is not my responsibility. "You better watch what you say You better watch what you do to me Don't get carried away Darlin you can do better than me...then go... just go...but remember good love is hard to find you got lucky babe when I found you" Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, You got Lucky. (Cool Song) Sorry for keeping this thread alive but it helps me. I wish all the best to everyone and thier individual circumstances.

Hi Gang, Well I got through the week with N/C after our closure talk. Now I have to go through the long healing process. I had to drive by my apartment a few times and I saw the new guy's car by her apartment, yes I felt like I was stuck with a hot iron. I miss her so much even though I know she has had sex with this guy. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?!? I know I have to drive on and keep my game face on but it is tearing me up inside. The worst part is the fact I see what she left me for and that right there hurts bad enough. I hope and pray that everyone else is having a better time of this than I am. Ziggy, DN, Ripples, and etc.....thanks for the kind words and support.

Ziggy, Thanks for the good words! Right now I am trying to focus on the things I can do to fix, not really in need of fixing, and better my life. You are right on with the whole, who will she turn to thing. Eitherway, I keep tell myself this is for the best and I am going to survive. However the most important thing is that she will come to me, once the newness falls and she has to swallow her pride. I was reading the other post about "gut feelings". My gut tells me she will try and contact me and want to talk. I can not get back with her because I know that she will not make the changes that have to be made. Right now my heart hurts, but not like it did, and I miss her and her son very much. I know that she has had a very hard life and has been known to take it out on the people she cares about, I am not sure how this guy is going to deal with the temper and so forth. I hope all of you are making progress and all my best.

Hi gang! I hope everyone is doing as well as can be expected. I am going to make it through the week with NC, on my and her side. Today is going to be day 6 and I have not called her and she has not initiated any contact. If you follow the last few post you can see where we are standing. It has been 3 weeks since the break up, 2 weeks since the blow up and last week we had a civil conversation. I left her with the "take care and let me know how you are" speech. She is very proud and I do not know if will/not call. I have had the chance to go by my apartment complex and did see her car a couple of times but I did not stop and talk. I did see her looking at me, I think she knew it was me out of the door of her office, she can see the street. This was yesterday and no I have not heard from her. I speak to her boss on a regular occasion for business matters but I do not really get into about the ex's and my realtionship. The boss tells me she thinks the ex should stay with me. Not to mention the fact friends and family agree. Either way I am slowly realizing the relationhip is done and I keep trying to get stronger. However, I think of her in the arms of another...well I am sure you guys understand. I pray for her and have always wished her and her son all my best, once I got over being mad and the full range of other emotions. I have to be strong and not break NC. Today seemed very hard because I got some GREAT news about a job that can almost set me comfortable for the rest of my life. I wanted to call and tell her but you guys should be proud because I stood strong. She should be able to see I had planned on taking care of her and her son for as long as I could. She told me once that I would try and buy her affection and I could not get her to understand that I am/was only trying to show her I would be a good provider and give her stability. Let me ask a question. I was going to pay for her to go to school and not have to work, get her a new car because her's is on its last mile, and make sure she never wanted of had to have anything. You can add this to the fact I loved her more than anything. What did I do wrong? I know the guy she dumped me for is not going to be able to give her any of these things. Maybe he cares for her and she him, but when the newness wears off, what then? She did tell me that with this guy being a mechanic he can FIX her car when it breaks, lucky girl I guess. Please give me some of the good advice....ripples and superdave feel free to jump in. I hope all of you are getting through the pain as best as possible, all my best!

Thanks for all the replies....especially to you Ripples. I think that you are right about all the stuff she is trying to convince herself of, either that or a guilty conscience. She seemed very concerned about who I told what happened and the reasons for it. Either way I know how hard she can be to deal with and I am pretty sure that she will either get tired of him or he is going to get sick of her in very short order. Even when I looked at the guy she left me for, I feel it in my bones that it will not last. Now do I wait around? Of course not. I hate to sound greedy, better than needy, but right now life is all about me and my happiness. As far as the mediorce stuff you are right on, she is thinking of "Mr Right Now" not "Mr. Right" and it is going to kill her. Take care and I hope to hear from all of you guys. Also, all my best in each of your individual situations

Hi Guys, In my attempt to make light of the above situation I read something in the newapaper today that made me laugh. First of all I have to give you the strory behind the article. The owner of the New Orleans Saints, Tom Benson, has been talking about leaving the city for sometime now. We, the politicians, and everyone else always tried to come up with the money, new stadium, and everything we could find to make them stay (is this starting to sound familiar to my fellow dumpees?). Hurricance Katrina hit N.O. and the Superdome was destroyed and the team started playing home games in San Antonio. Now the rumor is that the team maybe kept there. The article will make you relate to the situations that some of us have been faced with to no avail. I hope it makes since to you guys. Hey Cuz, we gotta talk. You're beginning to embarrass yourself. Truth is, you've been embarrassing yourself for years, but I didn't want to say anything. I figured that, since we're friends, I'd keep my mouth shut and mind my own business. But now we gotta talk. You've got to let her go, bruh. You've got to get over this. You say you can't live without her. That she completes you. Dude, you need to get ahold of yourself. She kicked you when you were down and still, you beg for more. Quit begging. She's a coward. She has no soul. Your kids say to you: Daddy, what's wrong? Don't let them see you like this. She ain't no Saint, man. She's nothing but trouble. She never listens to you. She never says "thank you" when all you do is say "please, please, please." She's ugly, man. Real ugly. She lies to you. She preys on your insecurities. She takes all your money. She takes you away from your family. She's a gold digger. A tramp. She'll lie down with anyone who's got more money than you and -- face it -- everyone has more money than you now. Don't you realize that she never liked you? Not even a little. She just stuck with you because she's unambitious. She's been trying to dump you for years. Aren't you sick and tired of having to prove your worth to her, year after year, season after season? Take the hint, bruh. Cut her loose. I'd tell you to give back the ring she gave you but then -- and this is important -- she never did get you a ring, did she? In 38 years, no ring. She'll never get you a ring, man. Wait until next year, she always tells you. Next year she'll get you that ring. She says you gotta have FAITH. She says you gotta BELIEVE. HAH! Dude, you're living in Dysfunction Junction. She's got issues, man. First off, you guys only hook up -- what, 16 times a year? And when you do -- admit it -- afterward you feel used and empty, don't you? Like she didn't even care that you were there. Like you could have been anybody. Like you needed a drink and a cigarette and someone to talk to afterward and -- admit it again -- you cheated on her, didn't you? You called Buddy D. It was always Buddy D who gave you the comfort and love you needed. He listened to you. He understood you. He gave you a pet name: "Squirrel." But Buddy D's gone and you've got no one to trust anymore. The whole damn deal has soured and you've simply got to LET HER GO. You think you need her for your confidence, for appearances, especially for your friends from out of town who you say will think less of you if you didn't have her at your side. Let me tell you something: Your friends from out of state have always wondered what you saw in her. What could possibly be the attraction? Forget about her, man. Sure, she's coming back to Louisiana next weekend, all dolled up in her pretty black and gold and her fleur-de-lis hat and all that. Don't fall for it. Stay away from her. She'll only break your heart again. I know you feel like she's been part of your family for all these years. It's hard to say goodbye; I'm not saying otherwise. I know it's hard. But you can do better. Go back to your wife. Go back to your girlfriend. Go back to your kids. Get a dog. Get a life. Read a book. Cut the grass. Play golf. Do something. Do anything. Just let that bad girl go. And while you're at it, tell her friend in Oklahoma City not to bother coming back, either. Who needs the headache, man? I hope you gusy liked this as much as I did. Now for the rest of my saga. My ex went out of town to meet the family of the guy whe left me for, funny because she said she loved and wanted to marry me about three weeks ago. I am doing the NC things except for the above post and I am sure/hoping she will call, it want to hear her voice so bad. The worst part is that when this falls apart I think I will be getting the call. I can not go back to her and told her this, but I will think she will make the effort. How long does it take for the newness wot where off and when do women start thinking they may have made a bad call?

Thanks for the good words everyone. Rascal: I found out about all this when we had our talk, she told me about knowing this guy and all the details since our break up. I do know that this relationship will, probably, not last too long. Maybe she will miss me, she told me that today, but would not call because of the words we exchanges. I told her I was sorry for some of the things I said, trying to be the better person. I said that I was acting off of emotion and not rational thought. I did leave a message and she called me right back and I told her that I was glad we talked and cleared somethings up. She also said that she did not know about being friends because of all the newness of the break up. I told I have always loved her and her son and always will. Finally, I said "take care of yourself and I will talk to you later." Of course I will not call because of the NC. She said she would talk/call me later but who knows. I am sure that when this fails I may get a call or something. Do you guys think I will hear from her, I hope so but I know we can not be together anymore, I told her that too. Give me strengh.

Well I got the answers I was looking for, she left me for another man. She said she had been talking to this guy while we were together and he told her he would not got out with her until she got rid of me. We had a long talk about being friends and so forth, she says she feels uncomfortable with that right now. I am crushed! NC is now the sure way to go. She even begins to tell me that she is going to meet this guys family, talking about rings, and moveing up north with him.....I feel like I just got played like a chump. Now I guess I need to move to the "recovery" forums. I know I am preaching to the chior but man this hurts. Especially what she gave me up for.