Twinkle_

I'm starting NC now. If he's ever going to come back he has a lot of things he needs to sort out, and I have some trust issues to deal with.

I've finished my post. i had to leave quickly last night so didn't get a chance to finish it.

I ask for it so really I shouldn't call him an animal. Last night, after him telling me he wanted to marry me, we spoke, briefly. I asked him if he loved me, straight answer, if not, fine, I'll walk out of his life. He said he didn't love me. Ok, so I left and went to another pub. When I got there, I gave my mobile to the woman behind the bar and told her not to let me have it til I left, as I knew I'd probably text him. Late on, when the pub was closing, my friends decided they wanted 1 more before they went home, and the only place still serving was the pub he had been in. I was sure he'd be home by then. I got my phone back, and switched it on as I walked the short distance back. 2 texts came through from him, the first asking me to come back about 2 hours after I last saw him, and another from half an hour before asking if I wanted a chinese. When we got in to the pub, I got a drink and sat down while my friends went to the toilet. He came over and took my drink, he told me I'd had enough. I admit, I was plastered. I'd been out with friends all day, I don't do it often. I told him to pi$$ off, who did he think he was trying to interfere. Edit: I had to leave quickly last night so I didn't finish my post. He gets plastered most nights, why shouldn't I enjoy myself, was with friends, nothing was going to happen to me. He asked me to come home with him, to talk, so he could "make sure I was going to be ok" - I foolishly agreed. When we got to his, he kissed me, and told me he loved me. I should have known what would happen next. We slept together. The whole time, he told me how much he loved me, I believed him. Straight afterwards it was made clear to me he never wanted to be with me, he didn't love me, and he never could. He wanted me to stay, but I couldn't. I felt so used. He told me I shouln't feel used as I should have known. I left, and went to stay with a friend. I haven't heard from him since. I'm so tired of crying for him. I wish i was strong enough to just wipe him out of my mind and move on, I seem unable to do that. Even after this, I'd still take him back.

I want him out of my life for good. Once again, he has used me to suit him. I'm not taking this anymore. I'm not a toy he can pick up when he's bored and discard when he's done. No contact starting now. I'm changing my number. I don't want this animal in my life.

I'm looking for a job in the area I want to move to now. I've applied for about 15 this week, about as many the week before. The ex text me at about 11.30 last night asking how I was. I said I was fine, and asked how he was. He replied saying he cared for me so much, he'd turned down another girl a few days ago cause if he can't love me he doesn't want anyone. he says he has issues. I told him, we both have issues. I'm working mine out, it's up to him to do the same, and that maybe we're just not meant to be together. he replied saying you never know we both have to have fun, agreed? in time we'll marry, i'm sure. What the hell was that about? I replied saying I didn't understand his text, but having our own space was good. the he asked if I was over him. Before I could reply, a friend called, and we got chatting a bit. I replied straight after we'd finished talking asking if he was over me, and that he didn't need to ask if I was or not. he said he wasn't over me, and that we needed our time. i didn't reply, as another friend called. He then sent a text saying baby, listen to me (insert my full name here) u know I miss you. I can't remember what I sent back but he said he'd love to see me now, and could get a taxi to him. no way was I getting a taxi to him at 1am. I was in bed! Instead, I said I could call him if he wanted. He told me to get some sleep and he hopes he sees me around soon, and that he'd have loved to have held me tonight. I'm playing this cool, I can see what he's doing. He's annoyed cause I'm not waiting for him anymore, I don't reply to his texts straight away, if I reply at all. We need space. He needs to work out what he wants, and I need to know where I stand. I'm not going to jump when he asks me to. I want him back so much, but I can't be with him until he knows what he wants. I can't be in his wife while he's so mixed up.

I'm going to be totally honest here, bearing my soul isn't something I do often. I'm an escort. Well, I was an escort, until very recently. I have decided enough is enough, it's time to call it a day. 2 years ago, I found an escort site. I was strangely curious, how could these overweight, average looking women earn so much? I'm quite good looking, and have a good figure, so I thought if they could, so could I. I was single at this point. The money was fantastic. The clients were sometimes vile, but I got on with it. A few weeks after starting, I met a friend of a friends brother waiting for a train. I was going one way, him, the other. We chatted a little. He was moving away from the area, to start his new job and be closer to his friends. He was gorgeous, and so sweet, but moving away, so after that, i put him to the back of my mind. The following weekend, I was out with friends, when I noticed him with a male friend of mine, still looking gorgeous. I spoke to him, but he was very shy. he'd tired of being away already, and had decided to come home to his family every weekend. After a few more drinks, I let slip to our mutual friend that I liked him. Not long after, I was up dancing and invited him to join me. At first he shook his head, after a while, he came over. Turned out he thought he'd have no chance with me, but our mutual friend told him otherwise. We exchanged numbers and promised to meet the following weekend. When I started escorting, I hadn't considered how I'd feel when I met someone. I hadn't thought about what I'd say to them. On the way to jobs, I'd feel awful, i felt awful the whole time, but lied to him. I didn't want him to judge me. It's selfish, but I wanted him to actually know me before telling him the truth. A few weeks after, he moved back home. 5 months later, I'd cut down the number of clients I was seeing hugely. I wanted to see him more, but it meant I had less cash. We'd argued about a night out, I couldn't afford to go, he offered to lend me money but I didn't want it. In the end, I saw an extra client, and went. That night, he was behaving very strangely. He was nervy, nit picking, and driving me up the wall. He was being horrid towards me infront of his friends and I snapped. I took him to one side and told him the truth about my job. the minute i'd done it I regretted it, but I felt a huge weight off my shoulders. The next few weeks were very rocky. It was off, then on, off again, and on again, but we managed to work it out. He asked me to give it up, I said I would, as soon as I found another job. At first he was fine with that, then he wanted me just to give it up and live off his cash. If only. He doesn't earn enough to support himself, never mind me. He started working less and less, it was clear that we couldn't live this way, so we agreed I'd carry on escorting. 4 months later, he asked me to marry him, I said yes. Fast forward through the happy stuff: A few weeks ago he text me to say he was moving back home. He didn't want to be with me anymore. I went out that weekend and met someone, in honesty he could have been anyone, I felt insecure and needed to feel wanted. I took him home, we slept in the same bed but I couldn't face doing anything else with him, it didn't feel right. The following day the ex text me to see if I'd had a good night. His mothers friend had followed me from place to place and had seen me with the other guy. I told him everything, although looking back, I shouldn't have had to explain myself. A few days later, he came to see me, and we got back together. His mother said she'd disown him if we got back together, but he told her if she loved him, she'd support him. Everything looked fine for a few days, we went out one night together, and had a fab time, but the next day he kept mentioning the other guy I'd met, making me feel very guilty. I told him how he made me feel and he confessed to kissing his ex girlfriend about a month before we split. I was fuming, but I said fine, we've both made mistakes, let's put them behind us and move on. On Friday 7/10, he went out with his friends, including the one who hates women. I half expected a text through the night saying it was over, as he was drinking. But he didn't. He text me to say he's be over to see me later and that he loved me, and missed me. Aww, bless. A few hours later, he text to say he was really sorry but he didn't love me anymore and it was time to move on. I carried on for about a week after that until I saw a mutual friend while I was out drinking, he told me that my ex was moving to the same place he did when we first got together. I text him to wish him luck, as we'd agreed to be friends when he ended it. A few hours, and many vodkas later, I noticed a missed call from him. I went outside and called him back. A woman answered. I asked if I could speak to him, she said no. Asked who I was, I asked who she was.... she's "his girlfriend, they've been together for a month and are really loved up!" and "you need help. I can give you that." She called me back twice after that to make sure I knew who she was and not to bother with him again. Fair enough. I went home, still fuming, and ripped up some of the clothes he'd left behind. It felt great at the time,but I do regret it. I left them in a bag in his local pub the next day. I spoke to his brother who informed me this girl was actually seein a friend of his, and just wanted to hurt me. Last weekend, I was out with a friend when we bumped into my ex. it was strange. he'd done something different with his hair, new clothes, he looked gorgeous. Our mutual friendcame to talk to me, and suggested there was still hope. I spoke to the ex, and it was made clear he just wanted to be friends. I couldn't stand to be there, so I left. I had to get a taxi home so I spoke to another friend while I tried to remember the phone number. Our mutual friend saw me, and invited me to a party. I agreed to go, but I wanted to have a chat to my other friend first, so I'd call him when I was done. While i was chatting away, my ex walked past. Shortly after, he text me, inviting me to the same party our mutual friedn was at, and that he'd come get me. I had I rough idea where he was, so I set off to meet him half way. When we met, he hugged me, and kissed me. I was in shock, I didn't expect this, what was he doing?! Back at the party, we chatted a bit, the went for the "I wish I didn't" for old times sake, sex. We went our separate ways shortly after. On monday night, he came to my house. We chatted for a long time, and the true reasons behind everything came out. He hates me escorting. When we make love, his face changes after its over, he can't stop picturing me with other men. He also hates this place, he wants to move on to somewhere we can have a future, not here. I know that. That's why i'm no longer an escort. i want him, and only him. Last week we were sort of seeing each other, but he went away on sunday nigth with his friends, and text me the next day saying he was enjoying his freedom too much. All week he's been texting me wondering what I'm up to etc, it's doing my head in. I always stop replying in the middle of a conversation, I might not be busy, but I don't want him to know that. I want him back. I really do. What should do now? should I carry on the way things are and let him come to me when he's ready?

Honey I am so sorry you had to read that, that must have been so hard for you. It is easy to give advice, but it is up to you to take it or not. Reading that email exchange makes me think very little of him, he clearly thought very little of you. This guy is not worth your hurt, or tears. Don't contact him, get a new email address, ask him to change the password on the one you both use, don't put your self in a situation where you can see what he's doing again, it will only cause you more pain. There is somene out there for you who will respect you much more than he did. He doesn't deserve you. Take care, and good luck x

Some interesting goings on while I've been unable to get online. Last friday, I went out with some friends, and bumped into the ex's brother. We were once very good friends, and still get along very well. He told me that my ex is moving 50 miles away. he moved to the same place when we first got together, but came home again because he met me. I text him to wish him luck, as we'd agreed to be friends. A few hours, and many vodkas later, I noticed a missed call from him. I went outside and called him back. A woman answered. I asked if I could speak to him, she said no. asked who I was, I asked who she was.... she's "his girlfriend, they've been together for a month and are really loved up!" and "you need help. I can give you that." What? I was fuming. She called me back twice after that to make sure I knew who she was and not to bother with him again. Fair enough. I went home, still fuming, and ripped up some of the clothes he'd left behind. It felt great at the time, and I don't regret it. I left them in a bad in his local pub the next day. on sunday, i met a bloke who is gorgeous, very sweet, and really likes me. We're going out for a drink this Friday. I think the ex must have heard, cause his brother approached me again last night. He told me the woman i spoke to isn't his GF, never was or will be, and that he still loves me. He just wants me to move 50 miles away with him. I think he's really enjoying this. I think to myself, if he says he doesn't wantto come back, fine, brilliant. But what if he does? I miss him still, and love him, but I don't know if I could ever be with him again, not the way he is now anyway, and not with his woman hating friend. i wouldn't ask him to get rid of a friend for me, that's unfair. But at the same time, he's being very unfair to me. I'm letting him I suppose. I've got a phonebook filled with new blokes numbers, men seem to like a vulnerable woman, I'm having to beat them off with a stick, LOL. Na, eff it, I'm not going to let him toy with me anymore. I'm my own person, I'll live how I want, do what i want, and be who i want, why the hell should I change who i am, move away from my family, to be with someone who wouldn't even tell his ex GF to back off when she tried to kiss him. Over, and out x

I know, nutters. I've started my diary, just like someone else here (sorry can't remember who) and it's helping me, if nothing else, it's stopping me from contacting him. I miss him, but I know I'm doing what's right for me by not contacting him.

She's as nutty as a fruit cake. Her youngest daughter knifed my ex, and she did NOTHING!

Thank you for your thoughts and advice. I'm afraid of being along, I'm even more afraid of him changing his mind. Having a few days to reflect, his bad points are clearer to me, but I'm not 100% sure I'd say no. Then again, now I've found this place, I may well used it for what it was intended, for support from others. Thank you again x

Thank you Hub, I did wonder what NC was. He does need to grow up, I knew that when I met him. I thought he would, in time, but he didn't. I know he is bad for me, I think that's why I haven't been moping too much and bawling my eyes out all day like the first time we split up. since we got back together, I've been expecting it, I suppose. switching my phone off at night when we're not together so that i'd get both his "it's over" and his "changed my mind, im sorry, I was drunk" texts together. It's like a drug. I really do know how bad he is for me. The pain he has made me feel is unlike any other pain I've felt before. But I want him, I want to be with him, I want him to make me feel as happy as he did a lot of the time, before the troubles of the past few weeks. I suppose this is withdrawal. I do wish there was a switch, that we could just switch off from these feelings. 'I wish, I wish'. I apologise if this reply is jumbled and messy, I just typed what entered my head at the time.

(((Hugs))) He cannot expect you to just accept it's over without telling you why. There is a reason, like someone else said, give him a few days, and ask him face to face. Good luck x

My ex and I had been together for 2 years. He started drinking a lot, every day, he'd come home late, smelling like a brewery. His friends hated me, one in particular who had issues with women tried everything to split us up. His mother hated me for "poisoning her baby" - ie he came to live with me and stopped giving her money.. A few weeks ago he text me to say he was moving back home. He didn't want to be with me anymore, he wanted to get drunk with his family and friends instead, his words not mine. I went out that weekend and met someone, in honesty he could have been anyone, I felt insecure and needed to feel wanted. I took him home, we slept in the same bed but I couldn't face doing anything else with him, it didn't feel right. The following day the ex text me to see if I'd had a good night. His mothers friend had followed me from place to place and had seen me with the other guy. I told him everything, although looking back, I shouldn't have had to explain myself. A few days later, he came to see me, and we got back together. His mother said she'd disown him if we got back together, but he told her where to go. Everything looked fine for a few days, we went out one night together, and had a fab time, but the next day he kept mentioning the other guy I'd met, making me feel very guilty. i told him how he made me feel and he confessed to kissing his ex girlfriend about a month before we split. I was fuming, but I said fine, we've both made mistakes, let's put them behind us and move on. On Friday 7/10, he went out with his friends, including the one who hates women. I half expected a text through the night saying it was over, as he was drinking. But he didn't. He text me to say he's be over to see me later and that he loved me, and missed me. Aww, bless. A few hours later, he text to say he was really sorry but he didn't love me anymore and it was time to move on. It's only been a few days, I know. I feel so empty. So confused. I don't know what to do for the best. I love him, I still want to be with him.