I think jevonj77 might have the answer I was looking for. See he does have alot of physical traits that are attractive to me. I think the problem might be a multiple of reasons.
He was overweight when I married him and it was not a problem, but there has been at least 60 pounds added to that. (Though, he has taken steps to try to loose weight recently.) He just will not exercise and I think this is a problem. I think exercising releases good feelings and will only help him. I think he has tried loosing weight to make himself more attractive and I have supported him 100%.
I can't make him do it though. I mean we have a basketball court in our yard (he loves basketball), for heavens sake. How much more can I do?
I had always been attracted to fit, but not muscular bodies.
The endowment is smaller than most, but not insufficient. I think the problem comes when his belly is so big that he can't reach or do things someone without it could.
Plus, he seems to be very schoolboyish, in that he doesn't know what to do or how to do it. Which really turns me off, I want someone who is confident and knows what to do. I have given him a book on the subject - I don't think he either read it or if he did he doesn't use the information in it. I have tried leading him, but no good.
Plus, I want a him to take charge, I am in charge most of my day (four children and a job) and when he is there I want him to be the one to take me. And the only time he touchs me or caresses me is when he wants sex and he expects it to lead to sex every time and when it doesn't he tells me I am leading him on, which makes me not even try to be close and snuggle for the fact that I worry he will want more and that closes me down.
Now, this combined with the fact, that I excite him very much, means as I start to enjoy our lovemaking, it is over. In the beginning he did the same thing - sometimes, but now, it is supposedly my fault for not wanting to alot. How can I want to? Once I am ready, he is done and that leaves me unfulfilled and upset, so it becomes a visious circle.
I have asked him to build up his endurance himself and even bought him a toy to do so, but he says he doesn't want to.
Maybe this is the problem? Maybe I feel like I am not worth the effort?
I have gained weight also and so I feel less attractive- maybe it is me, maybe I should seek counseling as suggested.
But, frankly, I do not think that sex is everything. I think it is a nice way to achieve release, but other than that - I could do without. It is just his pressure to have sex and anger at me for not wanting to is my problem. i think anyone willing to end a marriage because of this does not take their vows as seriously as they should. I do absolutely love him with all my heart.
But, I would like to have sex and enjoy it sometimes. How do I help him to help us, without hurting his feelings?
Yeah, after writing this and reading what I wrote, I really think counseling would do wonders for us both. Where would I get information on this type of problem. We are also very tight on a budget with our oldest getting ready to go to college. He works 70+ hours a week (mandatory) so time is an issue also. Maybe a self help book? Any suggestions???