yogacat

5 hours ago, catfeeder said:

It certainly does not. Everyone owns different capacities to remain detached or to bond when it comes to sex. Some people are surrounded by plenty of potential partners who they find attractive, and yet their desire to prioritize a focus on a given person can be limited.

Just as this man has been clear about his preference for detachment, there is absolutely nothing 'wrong' with your ability to bond with a sex partner. This is exactly why I raised that we ALL end up making choices about whether casual sex is good for us or not. In my own case, I recognized early that I bond when I'm sexual, and that's exactly why it's important for me to cultivate the right kind of relationship first, so that I'll know exactly where I stand (and want to stand) before bonding with the wrong man for me.

In your case, you've bonded with a man who isn't a good match for you in terms of frequency of desire. This isn't new information, but it's important to consider in order to liberate yourself to find a better match.

 

Yes (I dare admit this...), but I was in a casual relationship once.

And the great part about it was - that I felt zero emotional attachment to that person. We were happy to see each other, to share bed for a while, even to chat.

And then we just forgot that we saw each other. No hard feelings, no grief, nothing. And it wasn't because of lack of good emotions, probably it was thanks to the good ones - that person made me feel good and hence all emotions sounded good.

But when you know you can go tomorrow and unattach yourself - then you do not need to guard your feelings, your heart, or whatever. You just enjoy.

I could never carry on like this with someone I had romantic feelings towards -- it would just be TOO PAINFUL.

OP your casual lover is asking for a totally different type of relationship than you are -- he does not want to bond. 

I like to draw the parallel between sex and food because it can be easier to wrap our heads around something so similar. 

You are starving... and he likes sweet and sour food and you like salt...he is not your full meal and this can be really lonely.

His sexual menu allows for sex without salt, pepper, or parsley flakes....and yours does not.....guess who commands the most on the sexual menu? 

He has no intention of buying that bag of potatoes to make you feel full and secure.  It just is what it is. 

I think you have choices.....suffer from starvation with the sweet and sour dish....OR you start to cook and make dishes that you KNOW you like and are not feeling hungry. 

You have options...but HE IS NOT FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE GOING TO CHANGE. Casual sex = casual feelings. Plain and simple. You can't change his intentions and behaviors, but you can change your own by focusing on yourself and what actually fulfills you.

3 hours ago, kim42 said:

I don't see this as lowering my standards, I just decided to have some fun this time.

Probably because a few days ago you were quite adamant about him flaking out on you that you found it off-putting and you commented that he might be a 'player.'

I think that's why some people are confused about why you chose to sleep with him. In a way it does look like you've lowered your standards. You still don't know him well and he has shown flaky behaviour, aspects that you yourself found unattractive and he hasn't really made too much of an effort with you, albeit slipped up a bit with drinks. So, there's not too much to base all of this on.

It's your life and you have the right to sleep with, whoever you want, when you want but yeh, perhaps in this situation, you made things a bit easy with you whereas you had previously most strongly objected to. So when people say 'lowering standards' (you sleeping with him after he shows no serious interest) maybe that's what they meant. 

But I get it, when there's mutual attraction, and a bit of drinks things can just happen.

Fair.

26 minutes ago, Single Guy Needs Help said:

First of all, I want to thank everyone for their thoughts and concerns.  I think I should go for it as well, if I don't I will always wonder what if.  Nothing ventured nothing gained and I need to explore this and see where it takes us.  Perhaps nowhere, she may not be thinking of me in that kind of way but I need to find out and not assume anything.

I kind of want to bear my soul so to speak but the advice on here is don't do it, it is creepy just ask her out.  I think I will try it in kind of a casual way, not frame it as a date, perhaps I'll just ask her to go to lunch with me.

I really want to talk and kind of explain myself to her. 

To the previous poster she isn't a real head turner or anything like that but she has inner beauty, she is healthy and has lots of interests and enthusiasm.  To be honest I don't really care about physical beauty at this stage of life, I just want someone I feel comfortable around.  I don't think of myself as a people person at all, a lot of the time I'm downright people averse, so the fact that I feel something and want to get closer is surprising to me.

 

 

 

And that is what I alluded to in my earlier post. Your attraction to her is probably not based on a sexual desire, but rather a romantic connection. In many respects, it's just like any normal relationship - you and her have many common interests and seemingly are at the same stage in life.

BTW, this is not to imply that you do not find her attractive.  

You said yourself that she is ageless. That's a great thing.

Furthermore, I still do not think people will bat an eye simply because she is much older than you. It's just not that big a deal. You have reached a point in your life where you no longer give a hoo haa what others think. Neither will your friends and family for the most part - they just want to see you happy.  

I'll for one will root for you!

19 hours ago, mylolita said:

Yoga, 

 

That is very sweet! It’s not as if she is wholly bad at all - we just clash so much, I was naive to think I could keep myself stum. I have a problem with impulse. I think, looking back on those three days, I was walking around tense and forced inside. She left, and a huge weight lifted. When I re-connected with her after my son was born and about 8 months old, I did it in part out of duty because, I didn’t want her to not have a chance of an Aunty role. Also, it was hurting my parents. 
 

My husband dropped her back at my parents where her car was and I know she will have been comforted by them and that makes me feel better. She denies we have trouble between us but I know deep down she probably felt better leaving too. Ironically she went on the best day as the weather turned dark and rained the whole day yesterday! Didn’t stop me taking the kids on a small bike trail in their rain coats and then we spent the afternoon at the pool. Today’s my husbands Birthday so the kids piled in with homemade cards and my middle daughter told him “come see your present Daddy!” And she’d set up all her little teddies in a row and circle to “wish you Happy Birthday” 🥲 I’m strangely glad she’s not here as it’s an intimidate family moment really. If we were close this would have been so different.

 

I did make mistakes though. I should have held my tongue. I have to apologise to her for that, because I was in the wrong there, but I’ll let the holiday finish and the dust settle. 
 

I’m actually really enjoying myself now… LMAO! In my furious little state that massage I had didn’t even touch the sides 🤣👏

 

Again, thanks for your story Yoga - sometimes it’s nice to hear other people have struggles with family too or holiday planning and it’s not just you! 

That's so admirable of you to extend an olive branch and apologize for your part in the disagreement. It takes a lot of maturity and self-awareness to do that.🫣

I know with my sister, I had to do pretty much same -- albeit, there were times I was ready to rip her head off and I said a few choice words, as with you, I blew it, I would have preferred to be more self-aware and made peace with me, and bite my tongue and humble myself.

Soon, I'll be flying to West Hollywood to see Slash and I'll be staying at my sisters for two weeks because I have friends and family flying in so, with that being said, I hope we both have peaceful and fulfilling interactions with our combative family. LOL 

Maybe your sister denies that there is trouble between you because she can't handle conflict at all so if that is the case, you might be wasting your time trying to get her to own things from her side.

Anyways, enjoy this time. 

Happy B-day to your husband, as well! 🙂

Awe I'm sorry, but sometimes things just don't work out even if we truly believe we've met the right person but sadly the time isn't right and maybe it never will be in the future. Honestly, it sounds like he and his ex are still entangled.

I think him saying I don't know what the future holds or if we'll ever be together meant that he left the door open in case he did not work things out with his ex, or because he was still processing his break up from her.

Dating can be tricky, especially if they're still dealing with the loss/breakup of another relationship or past things in their life. It's not fair to you to be the second choice or the person he's using to cope.

However, yeah no, until he's seriously over and done with his ex, there won't be much focus anywhere else.

Regardless of the reasons, it doesn't matter because you have to make the decision that this isn't what you want, nor do you deserve, and walk away.

If it's meant to be he'll work things out with his ex OR he'll settle down and once he's in a good place, he can contact you.

But please, don't wait around for him, because we never know what the future holds and you should start looking ahead towards the good things in life that make YOU happy and fulfilled.

So it seemed like you were really bothered when he didn't message you and it made you feel disrespected. You were also annoyed that he didn't let you know he was going out for drinks and basically forgot about you.

It was a bit of a shift to go from feeling let down to asking him to come over to your place.

I thought maybe you were hoping for a proper date and if things did end up getting physical that night, great. I understand that you're attracted to him and sometimes things just happen in the heat of the moment. You have the right to have fun and be intimate with whomever you want.

Be careful not to risk any potential issues at work just for some casual fun.

Hope everything works out for you!

11 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I am not sure if I told this story before, perhaps it was on another forum but whenever I am struggling with something, suddenly I will see a penny.  A penny will suddenly appear in the oddest of places like on my bathroom counter for example, it's weird!!

That happens for me with certain numbers -- I dunno when I see a certain number it kinda tells me that something is "right" and sometimes gives me a sense of something important.

It's weird, I could just be in the park or walking around and BING, I'll see a certain number and I'll know that something major is going on. It feels profound. Not sure if it's just a trick of the mind or what.

Your pastor's advice is very wise - focusing on the good memories and talking to your mother, even though she is gone, can bring you peace and comfort.

1 hour ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

I really wish you didn't say that, as I was not thinking that at all. Just know that he's VERY very busy in his life and his work. He also lives an hour away, which makes it extra challenging.

Now it's something I'm going to constantly think about. As if I wasn't insecure as it is.

You're FWB's, what is there to be insecure about. He has sex with you and then in between sex he talks to and cares for other women more than you. 

That's exactly the underlying insecurity. Being FWB, means you are not in a committed relationship. Unsure of the "rejected" feeling soon to come. And so you should.

I mean, it would be different if you were able to take the emotion out of it, but, YOU, can't resist catching feels meanwhile he can clearly come and go. You are not seriously his concern.

FWB can be an attractive cleaner way to say bootie-call. People when single for awhile tend to work on the idea of "f*** somebody, who cares" goes both ways and guarantee when you end up with one of those men and not in a relationship, you won't appreciate how much damage he will do, nor compromise the potential this toxic relationship could take over your life.

Women do this to men as well.

Sleeping with him should not be viewed as an investment in him, you're simply using it for a temporary fix.

If you didn't behave totally opposite of this fix, you'd be thinking about what time does this man strut in his duped widowed FWB every night. You're here because you're feeling really envious. FWB don't work on that prescription.

4 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Thank you @yogacatfor this^ and for acknowledging that this crap does happen.

And that it CAN screw with a young impressionable girl's head.  

I have forgiven my mom.  She's gone but recently since seeing a new therapist and joining a really great progressive non-denominational Church and attending a support group there, I am beginning to let go of ALL of it, all that negativity, and even found a deep love for my mom that was probably always there but suppressed.

You will probably start hearing me speak fondly of her in my posts going forward.  I have already started to in some of my posts. 

Quoting little tidbits here and there of things she taught me that I found valuable. 

She did the best she could with the tools she was taught. 

May she RIP. 

Of course.

And I think that's a great way to honor her memory and rejoice in the positive things you inherited from her. And how wonderful that you have been able to find a supportive environment in your new church and support group.

Forgiveness and healing are such powerful things.

I was physically harmed as a child by a relative and - Shaken baby syndrome (among other things...) it took MANY years, but I found healing and a way to forgive. I still have a very clear and precise memory of the harm, and it's affected me in other areas (fear of highways, escalators...the list goes on) but I accept what has happened as something that is part of my life history.

It can never be undone.

It happened. 

My child self could never have done anything to stop the relative from harming me.

Emotionally difficult to wrap your mind around. So, I wish you nothing but continued healing!!  It's difficult when the parent is deceased, they can't make amends in the here and now and can't do the work to be present with the history of their actions. 

So, you'll have to really dig in and process.  

This isn't a situation where you're an 18-year old boy and she's an 80 year old senior citizen (fine, some college boys may be open to dating an older lady, but let's not go there).

So, this lady must be ageless. Not just because she looks good at her age, but because she sounds like she is very involved with things that keep her connected to the modern world.

I don't think the public will care that you're dating someone who's 20 years your senior, unless it's a news story event, such as the marriage of Artie Lange and his fiance, who happens to be that much older. And there's good reason for this. Why should they? And, if they stare and whisper that just makes you and her all the more unique. 

If you care that much about what others think at this stage of your development, then you probably should not bother with a new relationship since others will always have an opinion about your relationship, age or not.

You're insecure because he's not giving you any reason to be secure. Are you overreacting? It doesn't seem like it. He's visiting Wales? That's where his ex is.

He was being secretive while there.

It's shady. Navigating on a bike trip is tough work. She said that it sounds like he wanted to do something nice for her instead, but doesn't want to admit it. It's one thing not to accuse, but it's another to bury your head in the sand. 

He's emotionally manipulating you.  It doesn't matter if he's "comforting" you when he's the one causing the conflict in the first place. 

You should go to the hotel. Spending the weekend at his place is not a good idea. You don't need his permission to choose your own comfortable living arrangements. Stand your ground and don't be guilted into making choices that make you uncomfortable. Don't let him rush you into making a decision before Friday. Keep your distance and think about what you really want in this relationship. It's not just about the Wales incident, but also about how he's reacting to it and treating you.

Look for someone who makes you feel secure and loved, not someone who makes you feel insecure and guilty for questioning their shifty behavior.

I went to Catholic school too, which is funny considering my father was Muslim. I recall I came in with clear nail polish, and they shamed me and made me go home to get it off. It was a religious dress code thing, because the girls couldn’t show excessive flesh and that meant accessorizing the fingers. The nun humiliated me, called me a show off, and then basically gave a top down speech on the importance of a humble and modest girl. 

The next day, a female classmate and I were playing kickball, and she kicked me in the shin on purpose and laughed. I went home crying swearing never to go back.

The nuns seemed harsh, I know my mother when she went they would sometimes discipline them physically.

Hitting them with belts, a piece of wood, a ruler. So I can understand how this makes for a loop. “I can hit you because I love you.” How absolutely bizarre is that?

My mind. 

14 hours ago, BeaTlesFan77 said:

 

A personal fav!

Neneh had this dope bohemian vibe and fierce personality. I like that it was a mix of hip hop, pop, and R&B - a refreshing change from all the grunge and alternative stuff that was big back then.

Ooohhh I feel you on the sister thing....

My sister and I growing up and up until a few years ago were so tight and close and then, plop bang boo, our relationship floppity flippet! We're closer now these days but for three years we didn't speak or hardly spoke and liked each other very much.

I hid it well initially when she'd visit but when the love waxes and wanes it shows up shining and before I knew it we were arguing. Six feet deep in an argument. Silent treatment, then we'd talk, share our opinions, see into each other's views and then go off in different directions 🙄

People trying to get you to understand something, assuming you don't, also telling you it'll make your life better but ends up irritating you when you decide not to take on their patronizing advice after advice...

She joined you on a holiday. Hey, and the holiday didn't kill you. Glass half full?

You guys will work it out. Time heals old wounds!!!!🙂

If not tell her she is not invited to view your lovely garden and believe me, she is going to miss out on the wonderful world of myLolita~

On 3/17/2024 at 7:22 AM, Batya33 said:

I also loved Janet Jackson -saw her in concert in 1990

For you!

You can have ALL the proof in the world that he didn't cheat on you. The problem is 1. He's not emotionally available. He's too busy being a naughty little player on some icky website. 2. He also "conveniently" gets ill on all these trips and just can't come near you? Really? Lol

You are the one and only person for this life and you can control how yours goes, you can dump him whenever you want. Girl, give yourself permission to find what you REALLY NEED, and don't settle for nothing less than unscripted true love. 

1 hour ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

You're right. He's not a POS, he's far from it. Like you said, he's been open and honest with me since day one. He laid his cards on the table on our first date. Now I feel awful because he's always been very honest with me since we met. I think I'm just bitter right now.

I agree that he is not a POS, tacky and disrespectful, yes, but it is natural to feel a bit bitter because is still VERY recent. Also, don't discount the fuel that it can provide to move on. I can assure you that as time passes, these feelings will change.

1 hour ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

That's another problem...he's not going through a divorce. Although they're technically separated, they're still married by law. No legal separation, and no divorce pending.

Something tells me not to his wife's knowledge. But, that's neither here nor there.

16 minutes ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

No, not ready for a relationship really. That's the thing. But I also know that I don't ever want to do the FWB-thing ever again.

That's the thing, and I honestly believe you when you say you're not open to a relationship.

That's why you have to be super careful not to confuse friendship and sex with intimacy. Because you slip and fall into him taking advantage. Whether intentional on his part same reason as you... convenience is much easier than anything real. He is after all going through a divorce. He's not looking for the same thing as you. He's looking for the easier thing, something habitual. You may not realize it yet, but you're doing the same thing.

You do enjoy having sex with this guy. But, if you really look at your own needs and wants, do you really honestly believe that you are getting intimacy out of this situation?

Sure, you like him.

In the back of your mind, you know that he would never do anything serious romantically while he is still in chain with his stance.

But deep down... What are you really getting from this situation? The jealousy points me towards something I feely a lot of people try to deny or spin in other ways:

You can imagine yourself in a relationship right now while you are still working on yourself and your sense of self. "As a matter of fact, I not am ready for a relationship -- but this guy is just so special...". He's able to touch you deeply mentally and emotionally and you probably have great conversations and interests in many of the same things.

But, he also had no problem discussing beautiful women on a regular basis with you.

You genuinely care about how he thinks and feels even when he is wrong.  

And, he confides some of his secrets with you -- that's special intimacy; albeit, a different kind of twisted intimacy, but not necessarily exclusive to a romantic, sexual relationship. What you do have is a falling back where you do take a break from your sense of self by talking to this guy regularly and it's a crutch that he's there when you are not thinking that your life sucks, getting yourself down, or working out your problems.

The dissonance is that this possible crutch is also an attractive male and we tend to want what is attractive; lust and attraction go hand-in-hand. There really isn't a lot of facing down your problems with this guy as hopefully by now, you have made up some mind about what love is and why it makes us feel the way we do.

He's a risky man that drives you wild and that's attractive. That is why you can take some cognitive dissonance in this case. He sheds away the pain of your life and gives you some lightness and a pleasure in life. 

But the biggest issue is, and, you can look in the mirror and say this with 100% confidence...even if he got the itch to be in a relationship with you, you need to send him packin'. Because you don't want a real relationship with him, because he has so many things that don't make him great relationship material, and he's still going through a difficult divorce.

21 minutes ago, Kia said:

Back with my ex since a few months ago. In the two years we were broken up, he continued to message me regularly, despite me not responding. I often missed him, but thought I would be better off without him.

How long were you in a relationship with him? Why did you feel you would be better off without him?

Do you think maybe you were a rebound for him? 

Frankly, what he chooses to do when you are broken up is really his business and it should not matter to you. 

The fact that he continues to contact you shows that he does care about you and probably still has feelings for you. However, it is not fair for him to expect you to wait for him while he "checks out" other options. 

If he was a bad boyfriend while you were together, why would you want him back? 

3 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

I don't think you're addicted to the sex itself.

I think you're addicted to the feeling of being desired.

When a man wants sex with you, he tells you all these flowery things about how wonderful you are, how beautiful, special, sexy.  And oh, hey, let's jump in the sack.

Sure, you like the sex itself.  But for you, it's emotional.

You "can't" leave him because he fills your need to be desired.

Your husband filled that need every day, constantly, exhaustingly, telling you how beautiful you are.

You are here posting because this guy isn't filling that need at the moment, yet he's telling you that he feels that way about other, random women.  This gives you a huge insecurity, and you just want the pain to stop, you want him to say the things about these other women, about you.

But then he kisses you passionately, and you "feel" his desire for you.

He's your drug of choice.

Agree.

This is hardly a sex addiction.

I do think though that he is filling " the lust void", or the attention void, since your husband passed away.

You were married for 26 years, and just suddenly became celibate on losing your husband. That's a long time.

And now you're with someone who wants you, and it's kind of woken up your own sexuality.

And he's withholding compliments -- probably on purpose since you said it bothers you -- so that the friend zone gets maintained.

It's working. He gets sex and attention in the package he wants.

It's complicated by the fact that you have emotional vulnerabilities.

9 hours ago, jul-els said:

I replied, “I’m not sure if you’re interested in getting to know me, or if you’re interested in getting me to join your group, lol. I’ll pass on the meeting. Thank you (her name).”

She replied, “No worries.. I just feel awful because I haven’t done what I say I was going to do.. my sincere apologies.”

What did she say she was going to do that she hasn’t actually done? 

Did you mention at any time that because you're self-employed you were interested in learning about her networking group? Cause if you have she might have thought she was helping you.   

Anyway, this is one of the problems with sites that make their living off of matching you up. They want you to join their site and be matched up over and over again even if you have no interest in a person they match you up with. It is a way of perpetuating the match making process. 

Either way, her response and your explanation make sense. It's probably best to just move on.

When you mentioned that ‘I feel like she's out of my league, very classy and has more money than me’. You disempowered yourself and likely programmed yourself or set an expectation that this lady, who is eight year your junior, might not be interested in a man who is not in a similar social or economic class.  

Well, you can look at this as a wonderful opportunity to have a great trip to Spain with a friend and some great experiences.

But, my concern is, will he be flakey? It's an international trip and it's already been his pattern to switch out people depending on his mood or whom he wants to be with that day.

So maybe just keep that in the back of your mind.