La_Spada

Let me start from the beginning, it's all started almost a year ago. Well, sometime in July 05. I met a co-workers sister. Things kicked off good, after my seasonal job ended we started a relationship. It was amazing and overtime I came to love her, but I could foresee something was going to happen. Prior to our relationship starting she was seeing this guy Ryan. She managed to keep him around as a friend, I didnt mind at first, but overtime he decided to date this girl I knew and this really bothered (my ex) and it was all she seemed to talk about. Ryan's girl had an issue with (my ex) from the beginning I guess for reasons unknown. I'd have to deal with this crap for awhile, hearing (my ex) whine about this whole situation. So things with us start to go down hill because of this. I heard things from Ryan's girl. "She's unloyal, you deserve better, blah blah." Well, (my ex) was successful in breaking up Ryan and his girlfriend. Ryan came in the picture again and it seemed like it was a Love Triangle, and it really annoyed the hell out of me. Well, at this point, around Feburary, January, I'm emotional drained dealing with this drama, so in March, we stopped seeing each other, they were being physical so, I called things off, and at that point in time, I had started talking with a friend of her's. I talked with her friend alot, and things seem really good. We went on a group date. Had a blast, and planned on spending time together in the future. Well, I still had some of my ex's stuff at my house, so I return it. We talked for a bit. (I talked mostly with her dad and brothers. though.) After this, I messaged my ex on AIM and we started talking again about mutual feelings and unfortunately we started seeing each other casually, nothing real offical, I told her; Choose between Ryan or Me and she choose me, but that didnt last long, and this also obviously ended what I had going with the other girl. Since this point in time, my ex and I had been on and off as friends and such. Her drama would get me upset and we'd stop talking, eveuntally I said. "Listen, I need my space" and we managed to have no contact for a little awhile., Her boyfriend Ryan called me, not too long ago and asked for some advice. Apparently she wasnt respecting his commitments so I told him, well talk to her, but he tends to do foolish but this Thursday she was being suicidal so I broke no contract I swung by her house and we talked for about 3-4 hours, I felt alot better and she did too. It was over something stupid, Ryan said he didnt love her. I spent the last couple of days with her, being a friend and such. So yesterday was great, we spent the day together and it felt like old times, and throughout the day things started building up and we were a bit physical. It was beautiful and felt like a dream. But I guess you wake up. Well, We were supposed to spend some time together today and she said she'd call me if she went out while I was at work so we'd be all on the same page. Well, she didnt and spent some time with Ryan and I guess they talked things though, and I guess they decided to be together. She was saying how she was done with Ryan the day before, how things would never work out. My heart wanted to believe this completely. Logic knew this would happen, it always did. Whenever conflict happened between the both of them, I was there to help her out, and I'm assuming the same thing about him if something happened between me and her. I don't get this at all, and why it's happening. I love her so much, but why does she do this? Why can't she be happy with one person?

Alright. Well earlier this week, I was performing oral sex on my girlfriend. It was a good times, I really enjoyed myself and apparently my girlfriend did, but unfortunately, whenever I stimulated the clitoris she'd really get into it, but then she's started shaking violently. Is this good, bad? She said, it was great, but couldnt really handle the pleasure at that point. First time, I stimulated, she was really getting into it, then she shaked mildly and screamed she couldnt breath, so I stopped, we relaxed again, tried again, and the above happened. I tried some different techiques, didnt really work out as well. Was wondering, so should I just hang on for the ride and keep on going? I asked her afterwards if she orgasmed, she said no. I just want the best for her. I was teasing her a bit, didnt go right for the clitoris, just need some advice, this is frustrating.

Alright. Here goes nothing. I'm not very open and I don't trust many people. I'm very outgoing, but there is a certain line I draw. I don't like to reveal much about what's going inside. I honestly don't know why. Hasn't really bothered me until recently. Recently, I've met this girl. Friend of mine's sister. She's great to be with. I love her smile, her eyes and just spending time with her. She's got that gaze, really captavating, like your glancing into each other's souls. She is also really open. Works out well, because I'm a good listener. She's been on and off with her 'boyfriend'. I think they're off currently. He seems like a decent guy, but has his issues that should be addressed, but that's a different story. We've spent the past couple of nights together. It's been great. I feel more alive, but yet I feel wounded. A void, mostly when I'm not around her. I doubt this emotional wound was recently made but has been there for awhile from past experiences. I feel it has something to do with my difficulty in opening up. I have no problem flirting, but when it comes to opening the vault. She has expressed that she has feelings for me. I replied saying I also had feelings for her, but.... I feel I have disappointed her with my lack of surface emotional expression. Here's the issue. I'm too damn uptight. I feel like I can't shake it. I feel like I can't express what's going on inside. Like I said above. I've this problem with trust. For the most part, I don't trust people. I've only had a few bad experiences but, honestly why am I like this? This is tearing me up inside. Why can't I express how I feel? Losing sleep over this come on. Help me. Please.